I love you · 1:22am Jan 24th, 2018
I can't truly hate, I know that. I can only love, even if I feel drained of it. I can't stop loving and I don't want to stop loving. It keeps me here; hatred also will, but I would be even more miserable. I'm struggling to improve myself, but the desire is there — I want to live longer than I anticipated I would, years ago. I want to love. It gives me hope in some strange way. I can't understand, but I can only believe. And I want you to know that whoever you are, whatever you are, I love you.
I said that last time, and I still mean it. I feel like I want to start over again, goodness knows I need to — I know I need to, and I've known this for such a long time. I spent the past two or three hours, while mildly distracted, deleting every single blog post I've made in my nearly six years on this site. I figured if I wanted to start over with a clean slate, so to speak, I'd need to do that, and there were ones I wanted to keep, as I remembered the emotion I poured into a lot of them, but years ago, they held a context that doesn't apply anymore. Not fully, anyway. I'm still a messed up guy with messed up expectations and messed up mental health, but I still have hope for humanity.
You can befriend anyone as long as you give them your heart, partitioned or not. You can show anyone that there is goodness in the world and in the hearts of mankind. But for me . . . it's like I've conditioned myself to, after these years full of those emotional pleas crying out for your help, push through with mindless optimism in attempts to make friends that I can hold dear to my heart and give me hope toward another day where I can be confident and happy to be alive. It feels like a disease to do this, and I know I can't possibly live a healthy life like this, but it's still so hard to re-condition myself to find solace in my own being, on my own, you know?
But I still want you guys to be my friends. I've been coming here a lot more often to do a little bit of work on 'Hexagons', as it's my only creation here that I treasure. It hits home for me, with the implication of an afterlife, pleasant or not, discovering the fate of loved ones that you left behind and not being able to do anything about it except cry, except you can't even do that. You just have to watch it all. But anyway, it resonates with me so well, and I'll finish it. And I still want to be who I wanted to be years ago as well; someone you could rely on as well, and vent to, and feel comfortable around. I know I've lost hold of that promise over time, but haven't gone soft and changed my ways: I, in fact, wish to improve them, hence this lengthy post. I'll be here often enough now to keep up with you.
How are you guys doing?
great hope you have a awesome year
Best of luck, my friend. I'll be around.
I hate. My heart is as stone. My hate keeps me warm at night when the winds blow cold. My hate never hurts me. My hate never lies to me. My hate has never broken my heart. Love has.............
4780442 But why do you feel so much of it? D:
4780439 Awesome! As always, I hope you're doing well, too ^.^
4780428 To you as well. It really feels like the same resolve I wanted to have in 2015
Good to hear from you again! You'll get the hang of it, and if you need someone to talk to or advice on this kind of thing, you know where to find me!
I’m doing alright. This year hasn’t been nice so far
I'm good. *hugs* Good to see you again friend
4780781 Why not? Wanna bring it up? D:
4780550 Yeah, I do ^.^ Thanks for being a great friend to me
4780785 Likewise for you~
4781001
I got bone cancer at the start of January
4781002 Oh my gosh D: That really isn't good... Can you fight it at all?
4781003
I can.... I just need to get through radiation therapy
4781001
thank you friend
4781001
Not a problem!