Corrections to my OTHER stories go here · 12:44am Oct 16th, 2017
This blog post is so that people offering many wonderful, helpful, appreciated corrections and suggestions for my various stories, including the ones on my website, so that people giving suggestions can stop cluttering up the comments section of my stories with their giant blocks of spoilered text, Reese.
So please post corrections to uh... any story, here! Please do not post corrections to a story in the comments section of another story. Please don't send corrections as private messages, because Fimfiction doesn't allow editing or previewing of private messages. Commenting to this blog post seems to be the best option at the moment. And thank you for your help in writing this stuff!
WARNING: comments below may have massive spoilers, for any stories you haven't caught up on.
WARNING: comments below may discuss the scandalously racy parts. Potentially NSFW! May trigger you!
"so that people giving suggestions can stop cluttering up the comments section of my stories with their giant blocks of spoilered text, Reese."
:)
Right, so, slightly chance I won't remember this (sorry if that happens), but I probably will.
Several questions regarding use, though:
Firstly, I assume that corrections and comments for chapters posted on FIMFiction can still be attached to their chapters? Your wording, at least to my currently-tired brain, leaves open the possibility that all corrections for your stories are redirected here.
Secondly, I also assume that corrections and comments for stories posted on FIMFiction but chapters that aren't yet also are redirected here?
Thirdly, should spoiler tags still be used here, or is it comment-reader be warned?
Thanks. :)
(And re that last line, you're welcome!)
Yes. It was all that distracting spoilering that was pushing other actually relevant to the story comments out of sight that bothered me. But you can post those corrections here, if you like, if you want those corrections to be out of the way, or if you don't want to disrupt an active conversation going on in the comments of a chapter.
You can use spoiler tags if you like. I wish they had expandable "hide" tags here. Hard to read spoiler tags since they re-spoiler soon as the mouse cursor moves away.
4699341
Thanks.
"or if you don't want to disrupt an active conversation going on in the comments of a chapter"
Oh, well, I hope it isn't that disruptive?
"You can use spoiler tags if you like. I wish they had expandable "hide" tags here. Hard to read spoiler tags since they re-spoiler soon as the mouse cursor moves away."
Aye, that would be nice.
4699390
It's a joke, because my comments are pretty much a ghost town, except in stories where I'm upsetting someone.
Incidentally Inspect Element lets you remove the "spoiler" class, until the page reloads, so that's usually what I do if I want spoilers to stay readable. Takes a few seconds to load up the inspection thingy though.
4699398
Yeah, they... do kind of seem to be often; sorry.
Hm, don't know if I'll end up using that, but thanks.
Low on sleep and time at the moment, but looking at the new part (that I noticed) of Chapter 4 of No Going Back:
Hm. It looks like Protagonist does the "Wait, what language are we speaking?" thing again with Applejack in Chapter 4 of Returning Home.
"Pinkie squeaks interrupting my train of thought"
"Pinkie squeaks, interrupting my train of thought"?
"Pinkie opens not just one, but what looks more like a wall of ovens. Heat blasts out when she opens the oven door (with her mouth), and slides a tray of pastries into it (with her mouth)."
The first sentence reads to me as her opening multiple overs, but the second as opening a single. I assume that the second is correct, since I'm not sure why she'd be opening so many. Perhaps:
"Not just one or two, but what looks more like a wall of ovens. Heat blasts out when Pinkie opens the door of one of them (with her mouth), and slides a tray of pastries into it (with her mouth)."?
re the luminous wood:
Huh. Neat! I wonder how they then get the light out of the wood? It sounds like it gathers quite a lot of energy, though, relative to a photovoltaic panel.
Oh, and then Protagonist asks that question.
...Hm. However, later in this chapter, she seems surprised by the heating coils in the dryer, that they have them, and she asks about electricity in the context of powering them.
"Both busy mares and one busy stallion turn to look at me"
Mrs. Cake was still out in the dining area, possibly at the counter, I think? It might be good to mention her being back in the kitchen at this moment, or something like that.
4703520
Oops, I probably should get rid of that then. I keep jumping the gun too early.
Yeah... opens was supposed to be approaches.
Wait, she hasn't had a shower yet? Oh shoot, she hasn't had a shower yet! Guess I'll... change one or the other...
No, I just forgot to mention her coming back. I left a note for myself to write in how the Cakes are moving around more, but it's not finished yet...
4703527
"Oops, I probably should get rid of that then. I keep jumping the gun too early."
"Wait, she hasn't had a shower yet? Oh shoot, she hasn't had a shower yet! Guess I'll... change one or the other..."
Sorry about those two.
"No, I just forgot to mention her coming back. I left a note for myself to write in how the Cakes are moving around more, but it's not finished yet..."
Ah, righto.
Oh, and *ovens; sorry about the typo.
Comments on Nothing Bad Chapter 2:
"but we can check out books to there"
What is the "to" doing?
"It’s hall, obviously, with"
"It’s a hall, obviously, with"?
"on each side, a waist basket, and a desk"
"on each side, a wastebasket, and a desk"?
Also, is the building only a single story? I was imagining two, but I haven't see a mention of stairs. Could be that she just hasn't seen them, but I'd expect them to be at the ends of the building and/or opposite the lounge.
Hm. That was an awfully fast reversal of direction and change in speed, Scootaloo...
Hmm. And I think perhaps the CMC (or SMS, if they are in this universe) haven't formed yet...
"Tried a thousand times before without any luck, then suddenly... here I am!"
Well, you never tried it with Venus before, obviously. :)
"She doesn’t literally drag me with, leaving me"
"She doesn’t literally drag me with her, leaving me"?
"my hair isn’t falling into my face too bad"
"my hair isn’t falling into my face too badly"?
"I was worried I’d landed in Friendship is Witchcraft for a minute there."
...Hm. Apparently I'm not familiar enough with that to catch the reference.
"it’s nice letting the stars sooth this pile"
"it’s nice letting the stars soothe this pile"?
Huh. I was thinking that the next thing might be her eyes drifting over to a still-bemared moon; instead, going straight to waking up. Of course, she didn't mention the moon at all...
"I’m starting to be concerned that something is seriously amiss here"
"So yeah, my mother's dead (and that's apparently really odd), my dad's a jerk, I last saw them years ago, there are no records of me, the orphanage turned me away, I spent the night with a blanket on the town hall porch, and I'm hungry and thirsty and plan to drink from the fountains."
"Oh, I see."
"And eat uncooked grass."
"Oh... I think something may be seriously wrong here."
(Yes, I expect he was referring to the whole thing and isn't really sure what to do in a situation like this, but the order of things just struck me as a bit amusing. :))
"if there is any difference with ponies, I doubt it’s alright for just"
"if there is any difference with ponies, but I doubt it’s alright for just"?
"but I know I saw Rainbow Dash mowing the freaking place before"
Oh, when was that?
...Huh, and, while looking back to see if it was in the previous chapter... Is the line about batman villains new? I don't remember it before. What does it mean?
"I spot some clover and... check underneath its leaves."
Ah, right, there's some disease spread that way, isn't there? I seem to vaguely recall something like that... not getting details, though.
"I have to stop once and a while to chew"
"I have to stop once in a while to chew"?
"Her color would suggest she is perhaps from a more coastal city"
Interesting; now I'm wondering what effects their environments have on ponies' colors.
"with any missing fillies or foals"
...Huh. Actually, I was going to suggest "fillies or colts", but I'm not sure why it would be either. She's not a colt, and isn't "filly" a subcategory of "foal"? Or am I misunderstanding, or just missing, something?
"Something... or someone teleported me away."
...
And my brain now combined my hypothesis that this is before Twilight's arrival in town, the bit in the description about Skybrook accidentally dooming the world by interfering with the mane six (Oh, and, in the description, should "main 6" be "Mane 6"?), the fact that Skybrook came here by wishing on a star (Venus: "Hey, that's point-of-light-in-the-sky-ist! We don't all look the same!"), and that little thing about the stars aiding in a particular her's escape...
Don't know if that's true, or even if some of its necessary premises are true, but it's another hypothesis to look for evidence for or against...
4704926
Being 8!
Er... I suppose some buildings could have an attic, but no for the most part it's all supposed to be 1 story.
Huh?
Yep, this is set in the season right after they blew up the moon.
No, she just didn't look at the moon. It was behind the building anyway, and she was tired.
Amiss, like monster-of-the-week amiss, not sad-filly-in-snow amiss.
What, you don't remember her great feat of heroism? She saved that grass from weeds!
Clover's prone to rust, which is a fungus that causes hypnogogic effects and also wrecks a horse's nervous system. Generally they're fine, but a bloom of rust can ruin a horse that eats all that clover.
In the same way that "girl" is a subcategory of "baby."
Pfff, no, don't be silly! The title of the story is Nothing Bad! So how could anything bad happen?
You've read these stories that follow along the timeline of the episodes. The human in Equestria pretty much just makes snarky comments that have no real effect on anything. The episodes always are rewritten exactly as they happened on screen (even when Fall followed Winter), using whatever contrivance is neccessary to force what is supposed to happen, to happen. Every single one of these stories does it this way, so surely mine can be no exception!
4704936
"Being 8!"
...Eh?
"Er... I suppose some buildings could have an attic, but no for the most part it's all supposed to be 1 story."
Ah, thanks.
I'm afraid I'm not sure how likely the text is to suggest multiple stories to other readers; sorry. Could easily have been just me, though; I think it was more me making an assumption that wasn't contradicted than the text actively giving me a wrong impression.
"Huh?
"
They get into Scootaloo's room, and suddenly Scootaloo talksveryfastandphysicallymovesSkybrookout.
"Yep, this is set in the season right after they blew up the moon.
No, she just didn't look at the moon. It was behind the building anyway, and she was tired."
:)
"Amiss, like monster-of-the-week amiss, not sad-filly-in-snow amiss."
Ahhh. Thanks.
"What, you don't remember her great feat of heroism? She saved that grass from weeds!"
I'm... afraid not, no. :)
"Clover's prone to rust, which is a fungus that causes hypnogogic effects and also wrecks a horse's nervous system. Generally they're fine, but a bloom of rust can ruin a horse that eats all that clover."
Thanks.
"In the same way that "girl" is a subcategory of "baby.""
Ah, okay. This is a more precise usage of the words than the common, I would guess?
"Pfff, no, don't be silly! The title of the story is Nothing Bad! So how could anything bad happen?
"
:)
"You've read these stories that follow along the timeline of the episodes. The human in Equestria pretty much just makes snarky comments that have no real effect on anything. The episodes always are rewritten exactly as they happened on screen (even when Fall followed Winter), using whatever contrivance is neccessary to force what is supposed to happen, to happen. Every single one of these stories does it this way, so surely mine can be no exception!"
Of course. :)
4704971
Scootaloo's a little on the young side...
She is quite enthusiastic!
How could you forget about her so easily?
It's just about as horribly imprecise and inconsistent as in English, just with a few more options, and slightly different weights to things.
4706581
"Scootaloo's a little on the young side..."
Ahh, the syntax is produced by her age?
"She is quite enthusiastic!
"
Hm. Maybe that's all it is...
"How could you forget about her so easily?
"
Oh, I remember Rainbow Dash, of course, and numerous other feats of hers, just, uh... the mowing seems to be eluding me.
"It's just about as horribly imprecise and inconsistent as in English, just with a few more options, and slightly different weights to things."
Thanks.
4706620
Yeah, I guess? Isn't that obvious?
You really can't remember? Has she changed? Same sleek body, same flowing mane, same spectacular hooves, nope, she's still awesome! You're wrong! But... why is she all forgotten?
She hates being forgotten.
4707501
"Yeah, I guess? Isn't that obvious?"
Apparently not to me, sorry, and my parser just isn't working on it; I'm still not entirely sure what she means. Hopefully it's just me.
Is this some sort of phrase structure common among the young?
"You really can't remember? Has she changed? Same sleek body, same flowing mane, same spectacular hooves, nope, she's still awesome! You're wrong! But... why is she all forgotten?
She hates being forgotten."
...Uh. Well, I... could just have been looking away at the time? I mean, I remember you (because suddenly I'm talking to Dash, apparently?), being awesome, in quite a few other instances, but I don't recall seeing you mowing.
4707533
It's a sort of phrase structure common among people who don't really get prepositions yet.
Oh please. Roleplaying is illegal. I'm merely describing how she knew it! No need to apologize, squirt. Anypony could make a mistake.
4708113
"It's a sort of phrase structure common among people who don't really get prepositions yet."
Ah, thanks.
"Oh please. Roleplaying is illegal. I'm merely describing how she knew it! No need to apologize, squirt. Anypony could make a mistake."
:D
And, um, yes, of course. :)
(...Though, illegal, seriously? Though now that you mention it, I'm very vaguely recalling hearing something about that.)
4708173
Of course! I am always serious, all the time! Especially right now. So very serious.
Perhaps it's time for a marathon...
4708254
"Of course! I am always serious, all the time! Especially right now. So very serious."
:)
"Perhaps it's time for a marathon..."
...Oh, of the episodes? I was thinking of it in FIMFiction's rules.
And it has only now occurred to me to google "rainbow dash mowing lawn". So, yeah, there it is! In S2E8, which was... the Mysterious Mare Do Well, in 2011. So not that surprised I didn't remember it, and I'm impressed Skybrook (and you) did. And I'm quite a bit less likely to forget it now, I think. :)
4708271
MMDW was a pretty defining episode actually. Introduced the crowded buildings of north Ponyville, the Ponyville hydroelectric dam complete with tesla coils, ponies attempting to construct a skyscraper in Ponyville, "Lookout Ridge," lawnmowers, infant ponies, and Rainbow Dash's middle name.
4708300
Hm, yeah. My memory of that episode tends to get overshadowed by the flaws in it, but it did add a number of new things.
...I wonder how common middle names are among ponies? Most seem to have one or two word personal names with no hard family name system (though possibly one or more soft, less universal ones). And if her middle name actually is Danger (I checked the wiki to confirm, but that's what I thought it was... that, or, for some reason, Miriam; I don't know where that came from.), where did that come from?
4708338
I find it kind of a hallmark of terrible writers (Yes I'm talking you, Polsky). Skilled writers are smart enough to know how to dance around the issues without committing to anything, while stupid writers happily introduce grand, sweeping changes that they'll have to deal with for years to come. I personally love grand, sweeping changes as long as they aren't related to Cadance, but writers who aren't dumbasses prefer to avoid them, since they've got something good that they don't want to spoil, and changes like that can haunt you for quite a while. God, I hate Cadance...
It might be better to ask how common are middle names shared among ponies.
Well, it first originated in my headcanon's better than your headcanon, and then progressed to shut up it could be true, before at last achieving the immortality of meme status, as the most truthy legitish middle name ever!
4708590
"I find it kind of a hallmark of terrible writers (Yes I'm talking you, Polsky). Skilled writers are smart enough to know how to dance around the issues without committing to anything, while stupid writers happily introduce grand, sweeping changes that they'll have to deal with for years to come. I personally love grand, sweeping changes as long as they aren't related to Cadance, but writers who aren't dumbasses prefer to avoid them, since they've got something good that they don't want to spoil, and changes like that can haunt you for quite a while."
True. As I've heard discussed before, a more flawed work can actually be better for fanfiction, since it gives people holes to fill, differing interpretations to expand into more variety, etc.
"God, I hate Cadance..."
Yeah... I've mellowed on her quite a bit, but I do recall being very not pleased at the time of the episodes.
Hm, though do you dislike her more for being Random Third Alicorn or the Princess of Mandatory Happy Weddings?
"It might be better to ask how common are middle names shared among ponies."
Oh, that too, yes!
"Well, it first originated in my headcanon's better than your headcanon, and then progressed to shut up it could be true, before at last achieving the immortality of meme status, as the most truthy legitish middle name ever!"
:)
(It probably did get into my head via some process at least bearing some resemblance to that, though, yes.)
4708624
That's why I love how original work is terrible. It's supposed to be terrible! Only a derived work can take a good idea and truly realize it, in my opinion. If only the rest of society could see how much we're losing by making it legally impossible to preserve attribution of our sources of inspiration, in the worship of a lie about original content...
I dislike her for being a princess needlessly, for trivializing Twilight's ascension, for upstaging Spike in saving the Crystal Empire, for glorifying weddings like some kind of crime syndicate, for introducing the concept of changelings, for marrying the brother of the main character like some terrible fanfic author was so afraid of lesbians that she created a guy just for the purposes of having somepony to marry who was sorta like Twilight Sparkle, for having a fucking stupid name that actually has the phrase "my love" in it, in French, for only being pink because Hasbro was still butthurt that their terrible Pink Celestia toy didn't sell, for becoming such a major part of the plot that whole episodes were dedicated to her, while ponies like Berry Punch and Cherry Berry get nothing, for having the Crystal Heart as a cutie mark, with not even an attempt to explain why, and for giving birth to an alicorn princess, who is herself an abomination of blatant exploitation of human instincts.
I'm sure there are other reasons, but I can't come up with them off the top of my head. Her personality's... okay, I guess. Cadance would've made a great Captain of the Guard if she'd been a unicorn.
4708676
"That's why I love how original work is terrible. It's supposed to be terrible! Only a derived work can take a good idea and truly realize it, in my opinion."
That does seem to happen quite often, and I find myself at times just assuming that fanfiction can do positive things original fiction has a much harder time with.
"If only the rest of society could see how much we're losing by making it legally impossible to preserve attribution of our sources of inspiration, in the worship of a lie about original content..."
I recently came across a published author mentioning that they'd wanted to include an oral tradition based on the Lord of the Rings in a story set in the far, post-collapse future, but they were concerned enough about the Tolkien estate going after them for it that they left it out. So instead of their story portraying Tolkien's work as powerful enough to last through a dark age and the loss of mass literacy, now, for all that story portrays, it may have been completely forgotten in that world.
"for glorifying weddings like some kind of crime syndicate"
...Cadence the mafia princess. I now kind of want to see that story. :D
"I'm sure there are other reasons, but I can't come up with them off the top of my head."
It's okay, that was... somewhat thorough already. :D
"Her personality's... okay, I guess. Cadance would've made a great Captain of the Guard if she'd been a unicorn."
Heh, an idea I've had before, actually, her being military. Her name could be appropriate there, too.
4708758
Fanfiction's only problem is people made it illegal for them to get funding, so it's got a reputation for being sub-par. I really think people could (and would) produce a ton of incredible pony related stuff, better than the show even, if the specter of intellectual "property" wasn't being held over the heads of any potential investors.
That's what really terrifies me about companies using strong encryption to force people to pay money to read stuff, by encrypting it and withholding the decryption key. At any time, that company could make a whole generation of literature and knowledge forever lost in one fell swoop, simply by destroying their decryption key, or making it otherwise inaccessable. Future archaeologists finding pieces of our civilization would have no hope of ever recovering even a single word that was written, if it was all encrypted.
You can get anyone to do just about anything, once they have children for you to use as leverage. So it's not the people getting married, but the Storm King promoting weddings, who I'm talking about. Still, Mafioso Mi Amore Cadenza would be okay I guess, long as she wasn't an alicorn.
4708867
"Fanfiction's only problem is people made it illegal for them to get funding, so it's got a reputation for being sub-par."
Oh? I thought that the main contributor to that reputation was there being a lot of bad fanfiction out there. Then again, my life is and has for years been so saturated in the stuff, I'd not be surprised if I had a bad view of how it looked from the outside.
"I really think people could (and would) produce a ton of incredible pony related stuff, better than the show even, if the specter of intellectual "property" wasn't being held over the heads of any potential investors."
Likely, aye.
"That's what really terrifies me about companies using strong encryption to force people to pay money to read stuff, by encrypting it and withholding the decryption key. At any time, that company could make a whole generation of literature and knowledge forever lost in one fell swoop, simply by destroying their decryption key, or making it otherwise inaccessable. Future archaeologists finding pieces of our civilization would have no hope of ever recovering even a single word that was written, if it was all encrypted."
"Hey, you know how one of the biggest drawbacks of digital storage media is its terrible longevity compared to even paper books, much less baked clay tablets? Let's make that problem even worse!"
"You can get anyone to do just about anything, once they have children for you to use as leverage. So it's not the people getting married, but the Storm King promoting weddings, who I'm talking about."
Ah, okay.
"Still, Mafioso Mi Amore Cadenza would be okay I guess, long as she wasn't an alicorn."
:)
4709145
Only reason fanfiction has a reputation for bad authors is that the good ones can't get recognition, because they've made it pretty much illegal to help such authors in any way that might actually pay their finances.
4709161
Hm, yes, I suppose that makes sense, the good authors not getting much, if any, more of a resource base than the bad ones, no matter the difference in quality.
4709167
I'm really blowing it out of proportion, just complaining really. People've found creative ways to support their artists, and artists still seem to manage to produce incredible stuff, even with the bare minimum resources they can legally risk acquiring. Just... not very quickly, and on a very small scale.
4709179
Aye.
Comments on Chapter 3 of Nothing Bad:
"I literally could prove I ever had parents"
"I literally couldn't prove I ever had parents"?
Also, uh. What happened to the father named Steven Schmidt in San Diego?
Though I think Skybrook may not be being entirely literal and down to earth in this bit, anyway, a bit overcome with the emotion of the moment.
Though, huh, sounds like she may indeed have experience with human orphanages?
Or maybe she was talking about schools?
And the little filly who appeared in town with no parents or shelter or anything is now breaking into tears at the idea that someone could love her. And the ponies trying to help her were already worried...
...Huh. No, apparently orphanages indeed. Who, then, is Steven Schmidt? Though I suppose that, especially given he was described as a jerk, his child could still know who and where he is and still end up in an orphanage.
"At least it didn’t end up being A Merry Car."
:)
"I don’t know what you call that. Pre-approved orphan?"
:D
"I nod to her, proudly stating, “I’m a really good worder!”
What? What was I supposed to say, linguist? Do I look like an egghead?"
Much more :D
"I hate to be the wise, knowing human, surrounded by clueless, flailing, innocent ponies who need my capable guidance in order to successfully wipe their butts"
...That may not be the best example, you realize. Or will realize, the first time you need to visit a local lavatory.
Lemony... Thicket. Associated with orphans. Beware of dubious nobility snooping around the place, I suppose.
(Yes, a reference I actually happen to get! Assuming it isn't a strange coincidence, which I find possible but doubtful!)
"Lemony looks at the file briefly and winces. That’s... bad, I think?"
No no, people look at paperwork and wince out of joy all the time! :)
"Is there any other questions you had?"
"Are there any other questions you had?"?
re the hoof groove: Neat.
"Now, if there’s any other questions...?"
"Now, if there’re any other questions...?"?
"under my body as i walk forward"
"under my body as I walk forward"?
"ponies pause to eat the vegitation, like I’ve been doing"
"ponies pause to eat the vegetation, like I’ve been doing"?
Aaaaaand Skybrook gets a reminder that, for all the wonderful things in Equestria, it also has ponies like (pre-reformation) Diamond Tiara.
4710126
Oh, uh, right. Not quite a corpse yet. Meh, that paragraph's too soapboxy anyway.
I love when you ask questions about an 8000 word chapter, giving me the freedom to use my psychic powers to divine what part of the text you're talking about. It's a good thing I have psychic powers. I'd be pretty annoyed if I had to frantically page through my own chapter trying to read the subtext behind every single passage to find where the heck you could come to that conclusion.
I don't even realize how traumatized I look!
*lavatory door closes*
*two seconds later*
"GET ME OUTTA EQUESTRIAAAAA*
It's funny because I have no idea what you're talking about. It sounded... familiar?
I just wanted a name to distinguish her from Lemony Gem who's clearly living in Canterlot all this time and wasn't retconned to do so in season 5.
The question is, do I share in her suffering, or gain from it?
Oh nooooooooooooooooo
4710867
"Oh, uh, right. Not quite a corpse yet. Meh, that paragraph's too soapboxy anyway."
Ah, sorry.
"I love when you ask questions about an 8000 word chapter, giving me the freedom to use my psychic powers to divine what part of the text you're talking about. It's a good thing I have psychic powers. I'd be pretty annoyed if I had to frantically page through my own chapter trying to read the subtext behind every single passage to find where the heck you could come to that conclusion."
Ah. Um, right, sorry. I mean, some position information from context, but... yeah. Right, let's see...
I believe that was this bit, or at least centered around it:
"They always trail off before saying that last part, but you know that’s what that helpless shrug conceals."
Sorry, again. I hope you're not too annoyed?
"*lavatory door closes*
*two seconds later*
"GET ME OUTTA EQUESTRIAAAAA*"
:D
"It's funny because I have no idea what you're talking about. It sounded... familiar?
I just wanted a name to distinguish her from Lemony Gem who's clearly living in Canterlot all this time and wasn't retconned to do so in season 5."
...Uh. Wow. That really is a coincidence? Or something from your subconscious, possibly, based on it sounding familiar.
So, this orphan-associated fictional person is named Lemony Thicket. This somewhat orphan-associated mostly-fictional person is named Lemony Snicket.
"The question is, do I share in her suffering, or gain from it?
"
:)
(Though I'm not sure exactly who the "I" and "her" in that are.)
"Oh nooooooooooooooooo
"
Yeah, I tend to forget that too, sometimes.
4710900
Oh. You're imagining being a kid in the old world, but the section was supposed to be contrasting childhood with adulthood, not childhood in the old world and the new. I'm not sure how to make what I'm trying to say more clear, because adulthood itself may have changed. It's hard to compare.
What I was trying to get at is... supporting charitable causes for children sounds benevolent, but actually has a dark side. Whenever any of those children turn 18... the people helping them are suddenly hurting them, because they only help children. It's kind of like putting out a bird feeder for years, then moving away... you end up with a lot of dead birds.
Oh yeah, I think I heard that name before. I guess it just slipped in there. Must have seen a poster or something. Wow, and... that's why I never looked into it more. Nothing but an endless parade of downers. Maybe I should change it.
Well obviously this is totally a self insert that is entirely and totally accurate and has no alterations or embellishments to my own character or my history. So of course I'm going to use the first person pronoun!
4710947
"Oh. You're imagining being a kid in the old world, but the section was supposed to be contrasting childhood with adulthood, not childhood in the old world and the new. I'm not sure how to make what I'm trying to say more clear, because adulthood itself may have changed. It's hard to compare.
What I was trying to get at is... supporting charitable causes for children sounds benevolent, but actually has a dark side. Whenever any of those children turn 18... the people helping them are suddenly hurting them, because they only help children. It's kind of like putting out a bird feeder for years, then moving away... you end up with a lot of dead birds."
Oh, no, it looks like I was mostly getting it, but it sounded to me like Skybrook had personal experience with that child-to-adult transition, that she herself had experienced the immediate loss of support coming with a birthday.
"Oh yeah, I think I heard that name before. I guess it just slipped in there. Must have seen a poster or something."
Ah.
"Wow, and... that's why I never looked into it more. Nothing but an endless parade of downers."
[looks at Magic Tricks]
Uh.
"Maybe I should change it."
Your choice. It might possibly cut associations you don't want, yeah, though it didn't strike me as particularly strong.
"Well obviously this is totally a self insert that is entirely and totally accurate and has no alterations or embellishments to my own character or my history. So of course I'm going to use the first person pronoun!"
Ah; thanks for the clarification. :)
Comments on Wish Granted Chapter 1:
"Have to leave it across the room or I can’t stop shutting it off and falling back asleep. I think the worst feeling in the whole world is waking up to an alarm, when you stayed up too late. "
Yeah, I have absolutely no idea what that's like. I say with the alarm clock next to me on my desk, across the room from my bed, showing 0511 (though it only has a 12-hour mode) with an alarm set for 1300, and this being by no means unusual...
...Combat oriented strategy gaming, and she was named Susie Snugglepants? That... sounds like somewhat who became a warlord in large part so she could have a throne made from the skulls of those who made fun of her name.
"After a very wisely (in my opinion) use of permanency"
"After a very wise (in my opinion) use of permanency"?
"how about a horse sized weasel, carrying"
"how about a horse-sized weasel, carrying"?
Wait, that was Miss Snugglepants? The giant man-eating war-weasel? :D
Nice. :)
"I don’t even pause to look at the park on the way back, it’s such a pleasant thought.
I get home"
...Uh. What? He(?) gets home? Did he(?) just... ride the bus out and then straight back, not even getting off? Wasn't he(?) going to the train station? ("I make it to the bus, and my tickets are ready for Amtrak, but to get there I have to pay a local fare.")
His work was mentioned, but he was explicitly not going there on this trip. ("but in this case I’m actually going to something far worse than my terrible job")
I'm guessing something went wrong here?
Yeah, this is now ("and then immediately start getting ready for work again") sounding like he(?) did go to work.
"There was a drunk guy behind the store again."
So, yeah, balance of evidence seems to be for him(?) indeed going to work, and I'm guessing that the things saying he(?) wasn't were supposed to be elsewhere or not there at all in this version.
Ah, and apparently it's Thanksgiving now?
"WBerry: Kill me now..."
So... maybe that's what he(?) was travelling to earlier, only the outbound trip was interrupted by a flashback to... an inbound trip or... Yeah, I'm not sure what the chronology here is, I think.
"I kind of brought a sleeping bag, just in case."
That wasn't mentioned in the earlier list of what he(?) was carrying, if that's a problem.
("All I have is a ratty duffel bag, stuffed full of clothes, a toothbrush, and my most valuable possession: a $50 recycled laptop.")
"and took extra curricular activities"
"and took extracurricular activities"?
"I could wish for magic, but that’d be a wasted wish, since a wish is by definition magic, so I’d get my wish for magic regardless of what I wished for."
And now I'm imagining a courtroom battle over whether it's valid to grant a wish for magic by "granting" the wish without any effects.
"Sighing, I give up and say, “I wish I was a pony.”
Nothing answers."
Venus: "Yes, well, I'm over here, aren't I? Could you maybe rotate about sixteen degrees to your left and then say that again, please?"
"I just curl up in my sleeping back"
"I just curl up in my sleeping bag"?
"I sit up and pull the sleeping back down around my waist"
"I sit up and pull the sleeping bag down around my waist"?
Oh, and the mat wasn't mentioned in the list of items packed either, I believe, or as being under the sleeping bag previously. Perhaps that's standard enough that it need not be stated for those familiar with such things, though?
"Welp, there went the third sub-basement."
Hopefully the load-bearing structures are dire wolverine proof.
Also:
Venus: "So, yeah, I see you've noticed, but good news! I looked over your wish, and I think I'm kind of technically not supposed to do this, but I managed to get you in on a trial version! Heh, and this time we can keep you on Earth for a bit, so you can tell people... that... you wished on a random bit of sky.
...Seriously, why is this my job?"
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Are you suggesting Susie Snugglepants is an inappropriate name for such a darling, sweet princess? Just because she doesn't speak in words, and eats cows for breakfast doesn't mean she is not a delicate flower! She even has an adorable pink bow behind her ear, that she takes great pains not to sully when she is dismembering trolls.
Huh... as a matter of fact I was laying awake trying to sleep this morning at 5:20am too.
No, I'm talking about the potted plant next to her.
Of course she's the giant man-eating war-weasel!
Yeah, I think I got the order mixed up there... was supposed to be a flashback, and it kind of got away from me. Have to fiddle with that sometime...
Yes, exactly, which is terrible. I need to make it more chronological instead of having him go two directions at once.
Eh, I don't sweat little mistakes like that, but thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes I forget every part that needs to be rewritten when I think of something that I should have thought of way back at the beginning of the chapter.
Incidentally, this story is under some... heavy construction. After describing the snowy conditions, I realized how I accidentally established it in a place where it doesn't snow. Plus the yiff is kind of ugly, and needs smoothing out.
Ow, that hurts my brain.
For the love of Pete, you're never gonna let that go are you.
It comes with the sleeping bag, sort of a paired deal if you don't wanna wake up sore.
Susie Snugglepants can't melt steel beams.
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(Just checking, but did you miss my previous comment here, or just not have anything to say in reply?)
"Are you suggesting Susie Snugglepants is an inappropriate name for such a darling, sweet princess? Just because she doesn't speak in words, and eats cows for breakfast doesn't mean she is not a delicate flower! She even has an adorable pink bow behind her ear, that she takes great pains not to sully when she is dismembering trolls."
:D
"Huh... as a matter of fact I was laying awake trying to sleep this morning at 5:20am too."
Ah, sorry about that. My experience with actual insomnia is pretty rare... I just have trouble getting to bed and starting to try to go to sleep on time.
"No, I'm talking about the potted plant next to her.
"
Of course she's the giant man-eating war-weasel!
Well, when the name was first mentioned, I didn't even know there was a giant man-eating war-weasel. :)
"Yeah, I think I got the order mixed up there... was supposed to be a flashback, and it kind of got away from me. Have to fiddle with that sometime..."
Ah, thanks.
"Yes, exactly, which is terrible. I need to make it more chronological instead of having him go two directions at once."
Thaaat would probably be good, yeah. :)
"Eh, I don't sweat little mistakes like that, but thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes I forget every part that needs to be rewritten when I think of something that I should have thought of way back at the beginning of the chapter."
Ah, thanks.
"Incidentally, this story is under some... heavy construction. After describing the snowy conditions, I realized how I accidentally established it in a place where it doesn't snow."
Thanks for the warning, and good luck.
"Plus the yiff is kind of ugly, and needs smoothing out."
Can't really comment on that; it must be further ahead than where I stopped. Well, unless the roleplaying is counted; that didn't seem to me to be particularly in need of smoothing, but there also wasn't that much of it, as I recall.
"Ow, that hurts my brain.
"
I suppose the case hinges on whether a wish can be granted or not with the effects field left blank. Though that might still end badly (in opportunity cost, at least) for the wisher even if their side won the case, if they weren't protected from something like "Okay, fine. ZAP. There, you're now slightly better at card tricks."
"For the love of Pete, you're never gonna let that go are you.
"
Apparently not. :D
"It comes with the sleeping bag, sort of a paired deal if you don't wanna wake up sore."
Ah, thanks.
"Susie Snugglepants can't melt steel beams."
[as the roar dies away, Susie trots out of the dust cloud, happily chewing on the ripped and mangled length of metal clutched in her muzzle]
"...Well, at least she isn't also breathing fire, right?"
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Oh, yeah I missed it thanks.
That actually is for the wisher's benefit. It's a wish like wishing for world peace, or free love. Even if the genie pops you in the nose, the entire world could still become peaceful, and even if the genie doesn't give you a plugged nickel worth of special powers, they proved it's possible, so the wisher can have hope again, that things will turn out alright in the end.
*runs off to scribble something down on a character sheet*
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You don't have to be an orphan in order to get dumped by your parents at age 18. Sometimes it's a subtle change too, where people simply go from hoping you'll one day realize your potential, to realizing that it's probably not gonna happen.
Yeah I kind of... stopped being able to write that story.
It ends in... forgiveness, but it's just too horrible to... get there.
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"Oh, yeah I missed it thanks."
You're welcome.
"That actually is for the wisher's benefit. It's a wish like wishing for world peace, or free love. Even if the genie pops you in the nose, the entire world could still become peaceful, and even if the genie doesn't give you a plugged nickel worth of special powers, they proved it's possible, so the wisher can have hope again, that things will turn out alright in the end."
Heh, good point; even a world full of lazy, vindictive lawyer-genies is still a world full of genies.
"
*runs off to scribble something down on a character sheet*"
:D
"You don't have to be an orphan in order to get dumped by your parents at age 18."
...I honestly do not think that that idea occurred to me; I am surprised by this. I'm not remembering it doing so, at least. I know that some relations are so bad that the child wants to leave as soon as they can, or parents who would like a child who's staying to leave, but I don't recall thinking of the child really wanting to stay and the parents forcing them out.
"Sometimes it's a subtle change too, where people simply go from hoping you'll one day realize your potential, to realizing that it's probably not gonna happen."
Ah. Thanks for the information.
"Yeah I kind of... stopped being able to write that story.
It ends in... forgiveness, but it's just too horrible to... get there."
Oh, sorry.
...Caaaan't really blame you, though.
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Well, I'm the last one to talk about getting kicked out, considering my father tried to blackmail me into continuing to live under his supervision, but I do know a lot of people who pretty much got the boot. But even if your parents are somehow still able to take care of you, you're also losing support from schools, educators, clubs, community organizations, counseling, pretty much anything with the word "youth" in it just sort of goes... poof!
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Ah, sorry about your father. Thanks for the clarification, though; I think that, or a component of that, was what I meant by "Or maybe she was talking about schools?" in my original comment.
I've tested both the link from the table of contents and the next chapter link from Chapter 10, and both seem to indicate that Chapter 11 of Magnificent has gone missing.
edit:
Also, the link from the stories page to the Fallout Equestria story no longer goes to the first chapter but to "https://critter.cloudns.org/stories/html/foe/?C=M&O=D". Ah, and that appears to be because the first chapter is also missing; like Magnificent Chapter 11, I'm getting a 404. It's also not showing up in the list of pages at the above link.
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Thanks... dunno why that happened. While I was trying to find out, it sort of... generated, so yay I guess.
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You're welcome, though, ah, while I now have Magnificent working, the first chapter of the Fallout Equestria story still seems to be missing. Sorry.
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W-what? But there's nothing deleting those files! How could they just be... I don't even know anymore. Fixed. Should never have been broken.
4717554
Yep, seems to be working now!
Comments on Magnificent Chapter 11:
Right, we still don't know what happened to Mira, do we?
"“I haven’t had a period at all...” she says, hanging her head with ears lowered, “It’s pretty hard to deny the evidence.”"
Oh, come on, you were at a pony convention!
...
Okay, though, um, yeah, I guess it is still kind of specialized information, that horses don't menstruate and therefore there's an elevated probability ponies don't, and even if the proportion of people here who've thought of it is significantly higher than that of the general population, there's still likely a lack of people going around saying either "By the way, unrelated to anything we were just talking about, I'd like to announce that horses don't menstruate!" or "Hey, can we start an in-depth discussion on equine reproductive biology?" But still, I expect it's only a matter of time before one of the people worried about not having a period has it come up in conversation with one of the people who knows that horses don't.
"“Wait, you thought I was trying to get pregnant?”"
This seems to me a bit of a leap of logic. Am I missing something?
"My body’s gonna get... pregnant whether I like it or not now. So I can just... do whatever I feel like, and I don’t have to worry about if the stallions are gonna make me pregnant anymore."
Fortunately for her, if she's wrong, she's probably wrong in that these ponies turn out to be exclusive seasonal breeders and she's currently infertile. Nonhuman biology, even just within ordinary Earth mammals, does not, however, make her assumption a given.
"So imagine my surprise, when I stumble upon her and Nick making pony babies."
...I get that it's metaphorical, but maybe it's not the best wording here, given how they were just discussing how (they thought) the-mare-whose-name-I-forget-if-we-got-it-in-the-first-place couldn't make more pony babies at the moment?
Oh, right, John.
"We have to spend the next entire 9 months"
Well, nine to eleven. And that's only the most likely range. Really, all this talking and thinking about pony reproduction, yet so much assuming that you're basically fuzzy humans with hooves as far as babymaking goes...
"“That’s the spirit!” he says approvingly."
"
Let's see, what was it you said?
"help
That. :D
Oh, how I had to stifle myself from fear of waking one of my housemates up. :D
"only one who’s privates were"
"only one whose privates were"?
"“Your foal is still really tiny, I guess,” I reply thoughtfully, “I couldn’t find her anywhere!”"
...I...
She's joking, right? Oh, I hope she's joking...
And then I thought "Well, actually, this might not just be ignorance of reproductive biology; it's not impossible that she actually rammed her hoof through John's cervix and carefully felt around the other side."
And then I decided that, no, I still hoped she was joking, possibly moreso.
(...I mean, if I remember correctly, cervical penetration is actually kind of normal for horses, but a: that doesn't mean it's normal and not-extremely-painful for ponies, b: I doubt Meadowsweet has heard that it's kind of normal for horses, c: I worry that Meadowsweet hasn't heard that it is not a good thing to do to human women, d: also if I remember correctly, cervical penetration of pregnant mares can lead to complications with the pregnancy, which I also doubt Meadowsweet has heard but I really hope would be a somewhat obvious possibility, and e: given the above, among other things, it seems kind of an irresponsible and reckless experiment to run here.)
"As much as I hate being pregnant, it’s... nice to know I physically can’t inflict that upon anybody else."
...Aaaand coming from the other direction, please remember that you are magical ponies. I mean, even without magic, a species could have a female/female reproduction method, but have you never run across any fanfics where two mares could reproduce together with no stallion required? I mean, sure, that's a minority of observations, but they are there, and you don't actually know that much about the particulars of your poniness, do you, to rule it out?
Good grief, nevermind the cult commando training, Twilight/"Twilight" needs to sit these ponies down for a sex ed course.
"And if Nick starts... mounting you, I can pull you off him"
"And if Nick starts... mounting you, I can pull him off you"?
...Not sure I understand why they're deciding to go for mutually assisted abstinence here (oh, right, uh... around "“Next time you need it, you come to me,” I say to John, “And I’ll be like your girlfriend. And... and once we’re both okay, we can help Nick. Then he won’t have to... take either of us.”", to spare your psychic powers the straing), given the mares already believe they're as pregnant as they're going to get. But I think it can probably be put down to "They're confused and uncertain about what they want, what they want to want, what they should want, and what it's okay for them to want."
"“Well,” and “Heh,” and looks suspicious as all heck"
"“Well,” and “Heh,” and look suspicious as all heck"?
"She... she doesn’t even suspect, but how would she know what we’ve been... doing with each other?"
Aye, it's not like she has a significantly better-than-human sense of smell and is standing right in front of you at the site of your recent threesome, which you haven't washed since.
"But he’d have to be a pretty despicable stallion to take advantage of a mare that way. I wouldn’t put it past ponies like Flim and Flam to do that though, if they thought they could get away with it."
(and a little bit before that, but it seemed a good marker)
Ah. So I'm now guessing that the lack of sex education is playing into "Twilght"'s plan somehow. Though I'm not sure whether it was in there to begin with or whether she's just deciding to roll with it and working it in on the fly.
"The chance is miniscule that you’ll run into a human perverted enough to be attracted to ponies, but if you do, be sure to let me know"
...Yeah, from what we've been told, there is pretty much no way she doesn't already know what's going on in her camp.
", and I can quickly and totally isolate them from the rest of the group."
So, let's see, find something that you know your followers are already doing, act like you don't know, and classify it as a terrible crime that must be strongly punished... yeah, that's not going to generate tensions, fears, and secrets "Twilight" can use to control her followers, not at all.
It's also pretty transparent, I think. But let's see if our protagonists notice!
(...Though, honestly... in that situation, I'm not sure when I would speak up, because, sure, this is suspicious, obviously manipulative, and arguably potentially not cruel only because "Twilight" might care too little about them as more than tools for it to even count, but she does have a lot of power here, and her threats being noticed doesn't make them empty. I mean, I'd like to think that I'd stand or flap up and call out "You, madam, are a liar!" or something, but... not a good situation to be in.)
"It just seems more like she’s trying to be set in her ways, covering up what’s really bothering her about it."
Covering up something...
Though, hey, maybe she is covering up something about this, specifically. Like working out if any of you would be good fits for her harem once she's crowned herself Empress of Equus and Earth.
"Alright, now... we may have a bit of a crisis on our hooves"
Let me guess: There's been a delay with getting to Equestria, so you're all going to have to wait around on Earth just a little longer, and here are some tasks to keep you busy in the meantime...
After reading a bit further: So, wrong on that, but I suspect that the police don't actually know anything about this.
"One actually is a soldier, just attending the convention on leave."
...Hm. I wonder if they're a spy? Or trying to be one, but without contact with the outside. Because while our protagonists may be a bit, ah, not the fluffiest cupcakes in the oven, I'd be surprised if no one here noticed that this was kind of sketchy, and that there's no actual evidence for this person who looks like and claims to be Twilight Sparkle being different from the supposedly other person who looked like and claimed to be Twilight Sparkle and then deployed a... bioweapon, for lack of a better term, in a major US city and then started forming a cult and giving them combat training. Those who've thought of this may currently be too unsure and/or afraid to speak out, but a soldier seems more likely than not to, if they've thought of it, eventually try to do something about it.
I mean, not definite, lots of variety among the people in the armed forces, but at least some of them are pretty passionate about their country, and they're more or less all by definition willing to fight for it (or at least a paycheck signed Uncle Sam).
"We can jump no less than six feet"
Horizontally or vertically?
edit a little further on: I'm guessing vertically, from later text, but maybe that should be specified? Maybe "We can jump no less than six feet straight up"?
"Well, getting startled up onto a rafter 12 feet overhead by rebounding off the wall is something that just sort of happened to me, but it’s not quite as effortless as they make it look."
Wow.
"Nor as reproducible, for that matter. I swear the spider was like the size of a baseball, though!"
...Less wow. :D
"I can, however, climb most any walls with ease. It’d have to be... really high to keep a determined pony behind it."
And neat. A combination of jumping ability and really grippy hooves?
Ah, and then that gets answered.
"with the warm thoughts of the how I could fit in with them all"
"with the warm thoughts of how I could fit in with them all"?
"Genders didn’t just switch by the way, but... y’know... three quarters of the guys became mares, a quarter of the girls became stallions, and everyone else stayed the same gender."
Bit confused whether she's referring to gender or sex here (I think sex? Primarily?), but I'm not sure she's thinking of them as different in the first place.
"and one of the humans who runs the farm drives us off"
...You know, Meadowsweet hasn't mentioned trying to talk with them at all, has she? I wonder what their part in all this is.
...And then the start of the very next paragraph is "I probably should be... hanging around the actual humans more.". :)
"okay I really don’t know how illusions work, but apparently cameras photograph the real thing, and when the illusion fades... untraceable photos"
...Huh. Maybe she's misunderstanding, but from "cameras photograph the real thing", I'd guess that these illusions are projected into the mind without being converted into photons and shot at the eyes first. The simple(r) way to do that would be live only, with people present (and maybe just within a certain range, so a telescope from far enough away would see the plates as blank) getting the illusion but recordings not. Nearby viewings of recorded images might or might not work, depending on whether the illusions recognized the brain recognizing the van in the picture and applied the filter to it. The real question in that situation is whether someone who hadn't seen the actual van would see the plates as blank in a picture if they looked at it while the van was nearby. And it sounds like they would, and that the van wouldn't even have to be nearby for it, which implies that the illusion is propagated through any image of the illusion. Not definitely working on images of images, but even so, that's some potentially pretty potent
magicpurple pony projective prestidigitation. And raises the question of what else "Twilight" could remotely project into people's minds."We again travel for hours down the road, singing to help pass the time."
And now they're a group of people singing together in an unmarked van, on their way to liberate some people before the police can get to them and take them back to their remote barn compound.
Okay, yeah, the singing is probably in large part because they're ponies, but come on.
"but using copyrighted song lyrics is forbidden on this website for stories of unauthorized infringement of Hasbro’s trademarks."
Any particular plans to put this on FIMFiction, or writing it compliant with that just in case?
"...
I GET KNOCKED—"
...
I am... quite pretty sure I'm missing something here. What?
"How do we know Twilight’s not just lying about the police, and she is instead gathering us all together to do something even more nefarious to us than turn us into ponies? This whole thing could just be a setup in order to get me and Nick to convince Mira to let Twilight kidnap her. I never found who Twilight’s contact was in the police, which would be good to protect his safety, but it could also just be a huge ruse."
...Who are you and what have you done with Meadowsweet?!
Though.
I do wonder.
These thoughts are surfacing now, once they're away from the compound and "Twilight".
And it was just suggested that "Twilight" can project things into people's heads...
Oh, wait. "Suggested", hah. Look at Meadowsweet's current name.
...Oh, but that one was a different person who looked like, sounded like, and claimed to be Twilight Sparkle, of course.
edit after reading further on: Oh, "Twilight" is with them. Hm.
"But... Twilight’s been so nice, and she’s done so much good for us so far. Nick knows how to use his horn now"
Yep, she nicely said that she planned to meet sex with some terrible unspecified punishment, and she trained Nick in how to use his horn to attack people. Granted, the latter was nonlethal and could potentially just be used in self-defense, but still.
"bad from your point a view"
"bad from your point of view"?
"I’ll tell you all about it once we’re out from here"
"I’ll tell you all about it once we’re out of here"?
"still Sunset Shimmer in disguise or some thing"
"still Sunset Shimmer in disguise or something"?
Also, "Twilight" seems to be thinking of and responding to concerns Meadowsweet hadn't yet.
"I Pinkie Promise that nothing I’m doing has anything to do with hurting Mira, or any of you,” Twilight says gladly, “If you do get attacked, it won’t be my doing, and in fact I shall be doing my best to protect you."
Pfhahahahaha, wow, that was a wordy and evasive promise, wasn't it? I note that you never actually promised not to hurt Mira, what Nick actually asked for; if you'd done that, or even something like promising to do your best not to hurt her, then elaborated further for additional reassurance, that could be one thing, but... yeah, you didn't. Not having anything to do with hurting any of them is iffy, as it could include them not being collateral damage, but it could also just speak of hurting them not being an objective. And if they get attacked by someone other than her, that's the attacker's doing, right? Maybe that could even be said if the attacker wouldn't have attacked if Twilight hadn't sent/led her followers into what she expected might be a combat situation; hey, the attacker could have chosen to surrender instead!
edit after reaching (original?) end but before posting:
This appears to be where the chapter now ends.
"a green haired blue pegasus now calling herself Patricia"
Patricia, right; I'll try to remember that one.
Huh. Apparently they were in need of rescue, or at the very least thought they were.
And the police might really be involved. Though both "Sunset Shimmer" and "No I'm Totally The Real Twilight This Time" have apparently had at least some of the police working for/with them...
"But um... the pony who’s leading them, and helping them save all these ponies is... Twilight Sparkle."
...Meadowsweet, maybe you should have clarified, before saying her name, that she's the real one? I mean, personally, I think that Mira's likely suspicion is probably justified, but aren't you currently not seeing Twilight as "Twilight"?
...
Wait, what? Okay, so, I reloaded the chapter before going to comment, and apparently the end point has changed? I'm not sure whether that's you doing editing or the computer(s) doing something mysterious again.
...Hum. The endpoint of Chapter 10 appears to have changed, too.
Ah, okay, it looks like the text that was at the end of 10 has been relocated to near but not at the beginning of 11.
[after some skimming and reading]
Hm, I think this division works better, though.
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Yeah, slightly complicated by the fact that people typically don't like to talk to each other about their menstrual problems, and in the lack of menstruation, many mares may simply not have noticed its absence. Give 'em 11 months, I'm sure someone'll figure it out.
Hmm... yeah, the context is getting lost there. I'll fiddle with it.
Yeah, only problem with that logic is that ponies who are exclusive seasonal breeders aren't horny when they're not in season.
Insert bronies have no experience with real horses joke.
Surgeon general warning: Fic may cause loud outbursts, advised not to read it at early morning hours or if pregnant with young children.
Wait, um... Meadowsweet wasn't hoofing John. Was that not clear?
You forgot to account for the possibility that f. Meadowsweet doesn't know what a cervix is.
No.
Hmm, I was thinking like how you'd pull a hat, or a sock, or a condom off of him. i guess it looks too much like an error.
That's pretty much what I was going for. There's something going on about that, but mostly they're just afraid to open themselves up emotionally.
Well, considering her reaction, I can understand if people don't want to share their dark secrets with her, but yeah it's pretty obvious (to the reader) that there's some shenanigans going on here. Though I'm tempted to remove the things which make it blatantly obvious, like Meadows relating that she's accidentally stumbled upon couples coupling. That did seem a bit overboard to me, and I don't know if it's all that crowded, but I also don't want to make it frustrating to figure out what's going on with Twilight. What do you think? Can I be a bit more mysterious there?
Rrrright, that's... exactly what Twilight's doing. No doubt about it.
"You, madam, are a liar!"
*foom*
"Anypony else have something to say about me?"
"Nope!"
"No."
"No sirree."
"Nada.
When the heck was that implied?
Yeah, I was kind of going to go into that somewhere along the line, but I really don't know if it's going to work out that way. It's kind of distracting from the main plot to have a lot of interaction with
mistersoldier.Odd in one sense, but less odd when you figure that Meadowsweet is feeling pretty alienated about herself, and approaching the humans who are what she once was kind of unsettles her. I was going to have her interact with a human at one point, just to
throw offsoothe any suspicions in that regard. One problem with stories like this is you get a bunch of red herrings, perfectly sound conclusions based on incomplete evidence, that could disappoint people when I choose not to make that particular "clue" in any way plot relevant. Like for instance...Combat training?
All she's taught them is sleep spells! What's next, accusing karate classes of supplying civilians with military grade hand chops? What I'd be worried about is her (successful) infiltration of one, possibly many military bases, but she hasn't taught them any real combat! Is that really not obvious?
They're memetic, actually. They affect people seeing them, or their representations, until they run out of juice. So the best way to defeat it is to get a large crowd of people to all focus on it, expending the spell all at once. Of course, there are also mass illusion spells that work very differently. But it's all over Meadowsweet's head, so she's not gonna pick up on the details of that.
Well, she could delude them into being blinded to everything worthwhile in life except a website where people submit fanfics about her... but no really, magic is normally very limited, and more a matter of finesse than brute force. The question is could she remotely project into the right people's minds at the right time?
I'm hoping to. I mean, I'm on what, like, chapter 12, and the only thing people see here is me not updating Bloom Filter or No Going Back?
I would tell you, but I might have to make reference to copyrighted song lyrics.
Who, indeed?
I dunno, it seemed reasonable to me. It should show that she takes promises seriously, because she's promising that her intentions are good, not that her actions will succeed in being good. If she promised to not hurt Mira, then accidentally hurt her, well... you really don't want to break a Pinkie Promise.
What part about "I shall be doing my best to protect you" is less than clear? I know Twilight's sketchy, but c'mon man this is jumping at shadows! Isn't it?
The ending was dumb before, so I found a better place to break the chapter up.
I'm not sure she'll ever be able to see Twilight as anything but "Twilight." When shapeshifting villains get involved, your trust in just about anyone can get shaken. I was trying to express that Meadowsweet is trying her best not to second guess Twilight, but isn't feeling very confident about anything anymore.
Hopefully I can get into that in chapter 12, and people won't think Meadowsweet's acting out of character, and protesting that she's supposed to be a clueless sycophant.