Blunt review for my story! · 9:25pm May 27th, 2017
So this is a review I got for my story from the Blunt Reviews Group, and I want to first of all say thank you to the person who took the time to write this. Note, I forgot his name, but if I catch any of my followers flaming him for what he said, I will find you and stuff a stale COLD donut in your mouth!
ChudoJogurt
Group Contributor
#1 路 2h, 12m ago 路 路 路
Of Wendigoes and Changelings
by ponybird21
Summary:
This is a story of the pre-three-tribe Equestria, by Changelings and Windigos (which the author insists on incorrectly spelling as Wendigoes) told by a substitute teacher in the Ponyville school.
The author has specifically asked me to review the sole first 1k-word chapter, so there won't be all that much, but I reserve the right, at my discretion to return to this story and give my opinion on whatever else will be published. Because I'm a dick generous like that
Grammar
Both the summary and the first chapter greet the reader with the usual plethora of grammar mistakes born of lack of editorial care and simple negligence. Incorrect article use, incorrect punctuation, incorrect word usage, typos etc, etc, etc, plus a slightly more obscure error of leaving double spaces between some words for no apparent reason. It is more than evident that the author has not bothered to even run the automatic spell-check before hitting the "publish" button.
In would specifically denote the abuse of the word "for" to link sentences as a specific flaw of this fic. This serves no purpose and often even clashes with the purported tone of the sentence. Don't do that.
For shame. 6/20
Style
Again, there is nothing in the style that would provide an argument against this being a rush job with no care or actual effort to it.
The story starts with a weather report, most of the wordage count is devoted to the description of the bat-pony ("thestral") OC which, if I were to hazard a guess will either be entirely immaterial to anything or a Mary Sue immortal alicorn self-insert, the sentences in the single long paragraph of the story are choppy to the extreme and have zero flow, words are repeated and again, it would be tedious to list every such flaw because they are characteristic to every rushed, lazy, "I just want to punch in the words" fics that are the plague of this site.
In the final account, the author does not possess a great command of the English language and does not even try to make the best of what little he has.
9/30
Plot
The idea itself has merit, and I do not at all mind the framing device of child's class, but there are few things that made me apprehensive.
First of all the plot hardly makes a lot of sense - why would the substitute maths teacher suddenly decide to start teaching history? Why would he have an ancient book that seems like to be the Starswirl First edition? Why were Windigos in Equestria, if the three tribes moved to Equestria to escape them in the first place?
Some of those seem to be the set-up for the "magical bus" sort of story set up, which while not entirely novel, can work, but some, I think are just there for no real reasons and won't even be answered.
Also "Faust's Genesis", really? Really?
Don't do that.
Still, given that the author had not yet had a full chance to entirely bury his story's idea under the avalanche of subpar execution, I have to award it a whopping 30/40 points, purely in the belief that the questions I have will be answered and the tacit promises of the summary and the prologue will be honored.
Personal Preference
The general idea is fine, the execution is beyond sloppy, and I cared very little for the direct author-to-audience thing in the summary. I would definitely not read it myself, nor recommend it to anyone, but... there is an idea. An idea that the author apparently cares about, and I can appreciate that, even if the author is unwilling or unable to put in the time and effort to make it work.
4/10, even though I am pretty confident that this will seem like very gracious markings once (or if) the author will hit the 10k word mark without editing his work even once.
Total Tally:
49/100. If you write, you should give it your best, even if it is just a pony fanfic, not next great American novel. Use a spellchecker, find a beta-reader, and edit, edit and edit everything you write before you hit that "Publish" button. And then keep editing it even after it is published.
To do otherwise is to disrespect your readers.
Ice we