Being a Better Writer: Balancing Readers' Suspension of Disbelief · 1:02am Dec 13th, 2016
"Go! Go! Go!" Natalie didn't need to be told twice. With the clock ticking, the building was only minutes from coming apart in a blast that would level half the block. If she could get away before then, she had a chance, but if not ...
"Go!" the voice in her ear shouted once more.
"I'm going!" she snapped, crouching by the body of the colonel and retrieving his sidearm. Some of his thugs could still be standing between her and the exit.
"Natalie, you need to be moving, and I don't hear you moving!"
"I'm busy, Jerry," she muttered. "Maybe you could be useful for once and tell me how to get out of here rather than just screaming in a panic?"
She checked the pistol's clip. Six shots. It would have to be enough. She rose, grabbing the colonel's bag and swinging it over her shoulder. She couldn't save the building ... but at least she'd save the gold. Two-and-a-half million dollars worth of gold would set her up for life.
Gold and handgun secure, she began running down the hall, no destination in mind other than away from the bomb ticking down behind her. Her heels sounded out a rapid, staccato rhythm with her steps as she exited the hall into the penthouse atrium.
A loud bang was the only warning she got as the glass near her shattered, a bullet tearing through it. She ducked, crouching as the gunman—one of the colonel's—continued to spray bullets in her direction.
She didn't have time to play around. She lifted the colonel's handgun, made a quick estimation based on the direction the bullets were flying from, and fired off a rapid trio of blind shots.
The gunfire stopped, her assailant either dead or dying, and she bolted back to a sprint.
"Natalie!"
"Kind of busy right now!" she shot back as another gunman opened fire. She fired on the move, spitting several bullets back at him. How long was left before the bomb went off? She wasn't sure.
"I've got a way out," Jerry continued, heedless of her warning or the shots whizzing past her head. How many men did the colonel have? "You need to get to the elevators. The cars themselves are locked, but you can ride the cable down to the ground floor.
"Too long," she said, firing again and scoring a direct hit on one of her attackers. They fell with a scream. "What's outside?"
"What?" Jerry asked as she fired again, downing another mercenary.
"What's outside?" she asked. "If I jump out of the building—"
"Jump out? Are you insane?"
"What's outside!?" she demanded, crouching behind a couch as more gunfire tore the expensive leather apart.
"Cars? A parking lot? The reflecting pool? A—"
What side is the pool on?" she shouted as she returned fire, the gun kicking against her hand. Another gunman went down.
"Uh ... West side!"
"Got it!" That was the side she was on. She rose form her hiding place, sprinting towards the glass wall, firing on the move. The glass splintered, her view of the setting sun suddenly awash with physical static.
She hit the window at a sprint, glass shattering around her as she fell into open space. She could see the wading pool below her, rushing up at impossibly fast speeds. Ten stories passed in a heartbeat.
She hit with a wet slap, stinging pain erupting across her entire body as she sank into the pool. Her feet touched bottom, and she kicked upwards, her head breaking the surface. How much time was left before the bomb went off? She brought her wrist up, checking her watch and—
Ducked seconds before a faint whump swept through the water, rattling her body like a child's toy. Seconds later something large and heavy splashed down in the pool, sinking through the water past her, and she kicked off, swimming forward as quickly as she could.
Gradually the rumbling slowed, and she broke the surface again, standing in the pool. Of the ten-story penthouse the colonel had been using for his scheme, all that remained was a pile of twisted wreckage. His scheme was finished.
She almost sat down in the water with relief. It was over. And ... She checked the bag still slung across her shoulder.
Two-and-a-half million dollars worth of gold bars glimmered back at her.
Okay, did anyone see anything wrong with all that?
You can read the rest of this post at Unusual Things
Plenty unbelievable things, but honestly the thing that breaks my suspension is the fact that she's wearing heels.
From what I gather based on average gold prices, a single bar of 400 troy ounces of gold is around $800,000, if the gold is worth around 2000$ an ounce. So 2.5 million would be around 3.5 bars or so. Of course she could instead have smaller bars of 32 troy ounces, though that wouldn't change the weight of them all together. 2.5 million dollars of gold would weigh near to 100 pounds, I believe. Given just that rough estimate, the bars would slow her down considerably, and also add much more weight to her fall into the pool which I think would actually kill someone at ten stories high and landing flat onto it, if we take into consideration of a terminal velocity of 122mph.
Also the girl being able to kill trained soldiers with nary a scratch and hitting them with blind firing is very very unlikely. IDK her background but she doesn't seem to be military, only a thief. I mean, I'm a veteran of the US Army and even I am not that good.
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I took sadistic pleasure with that one.
EDIT: A downvote? Because it was terrible writing people!
Before I even read the excerpt, I noticed that you tagged this post as Being a Better Reader on this site, and as Writer on Wordpress.
Also man, I felt like I was watching a cheesy action movie from the 80's with how much realism was ignored there. Definitely not something I'd keep reading for long. Good post, as always!
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It's currently ~$1,160 per ounce. 16 ounces in an pound makes a pound worth 18,560 dollars. 2.5 million into that is ... roughly 134 pounds.
I did actually do the math when I wrote this. The price of gold has adjusted a little since then, but not by too much.
Anyway, I loved writing all the inaccuracies here. It was crazy.
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Actually, it's tagged "Writing" on the main site, but also filed under the main category "Being a Better Writer." Wordpress gives me more freedom with that; one can just click the "Being a Better Writer" tab. So I don't need to tag it as such, since it has it's own category.
Thanks for reading!
4337740 Whoops, wrong choice of words here. I meant that you actually titled this post that way, not tagged it. My bad.
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I was mainly just exaggerating for effect. I did say I didn't know the values or anything. Guessing mainly.
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Whoops! Now I see. Yeah, I was in a rush. My bad!
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Even when doing things wrong, I check the math!
One part of me wants to stab you for the terrible writing.
Another part dope slaps the first part and tells me to enjoy this like one of the really, really cheesy B-list action films, about the same level as Adam West Batman. It would probably be a guilty pleasure, depending on how funny I find it, as well as the amount of popcorn on hand.
The silly part of me attempts to rationalize the events as the protagonist wearing power armor. With heels. And has an AI that assists with movement and aiming.
...
You never said she was not wearing something like that.
*shrugs*