Lizardman Reviews #9: When your computer is a butt...

... you send it off to get spanked.

While my personal computer is away to get fixed, I'm gonna have to use my household's general computer. What this means is that I don't have as much time to do stuff online in the meantime, which subsequently means I don't have as much time to do these review blogs. Until my computer is fixed, I'm gonna have to cut down these review blogs from three to two.

Anyway, let's get this underway!

Today's RNG Picks: 5, 7

The Order of Things by Justice3442

Rainbow Dash and Rarity returned from a trip that the table in Twilight’s castle sent them on. It was not, what most would call, a fun trip. Upset, both mares understandably have some questions regarding the nature of the map. The pair and Twilight might very well learn the answers to those questions, and also that some questions are best left unasked.

Before reading: This is a shipfic. A shipfic captained by the Cutie Map; that's my prediction. Wasn't there another fic with that exact same premise relatively recently? It's certainly an interesting and hilarious premise, and one I'm looking forward to reading, assuming I'm right.

While reading: Right off the bat I'm noticing some pacing/run on sentence issues. The fic also feels the need to divulge information that all of us kinda sorta definitely already know. Not off to a good start, I have to say.

Rarity and Rainbow return to Friendship Castle looking like they've gone through hell. Actually having to deal with rioting weather ponies and police. Damn, wish we could see something like that in the actual show.

The question now is:

“WHY DID THE MAP SEND US TO FILLYDELPHIA AFTER THINGS HAD GOTTEN SO BAD?!”

A good question, but unfortunately one which nopony seems to have an answer to. But I'm not a pony, and I can tell you the reason why is because the map is like us; we demand quality entertainment.

And then conspiracy theorists everywhere are vindicated by the discovery of a small hatch cut into the table. Inside said hatch is a tiny talking dog that monitors everything about everything in Equestria and is the one who calls the girls to solve friendship problems.

...

...

What were you expecting, maybe uh... the Power Rangers!?

And my previous reason is totally proven true.

“Well, I found out long ago that fixing everything before it was really a problem was really, really, boring. So sometimes I let things develop until they’re a bit more interesting and then send you girls in.”

Our three beloved mares deal with this earth-shattering revelation in their own unique ways. twilight seeks to get laid by Flash Sentry, while Rarity and Rainbow get their sadist on and decide to torture Order with some kittens.

The End

After reading: The author says this fic came about because of a conversation with another author, and it clearly shows. This entire fic feels like it was written just for the sake of existing, without really anything to hold it up as a worthwhile read on its own merits. The humor is just kinda meh and the only real incentive to read is learning what exactly controls the map, hence why I kept this review spoiler free. the writing isn't anything special either, and overall I'd classify this fic as pretty generic. Give it a read if your curiosity has gotten the better of you, and you don't feel like spoiling yourself in this review.

The Cloudsdale Report by Novel-Idea

When Celestia first laid eyes on Twilight Sparkle, she knew she’d seen her somewhere before. Though she’d managed to hide this from both Sunset and Twilight, after they departed for the evening, Celestia needed to be sure.

With her trusted aide Raven at her side and a dangerous threat on the horizon, Celestia heads to the offices of the Equestrian Secret Service to investigate her suspicions.

Because if she’s right, the possibility of eternal night is the least of Equestria’s concerns.

Before reading: So this looks like another Alternate Equestria timeline fic, spinning off from the events of The Cutie Remark. The cover art leads me to believe this is gonna be like a literary version of those tv programs centering around accounts of supernatural phenomena, like supposed time travelers or alien abductions and stuff like that. I've gotten more interested in stuff like this as of late, so I'm going into this fic with my hype considerably high.

While reading: Double space separate paragraphs people. It makes things so much cleaner.

This fics' status as a sequel becomes readily apparent as the opening alludes to prior events. Meh, I can deal with the lack of knowledge, but a little background info, like in a 'Previously on...' section won't hurt.

Anyway, we start off with Celestia being her puppetmaster self, along with some details of this timeline which showcases that both Sunset Shimmer and Twilight are Celestia's students. There's some back and forth between Celestia and Raven before the chapter ends. It's good, although I can't imagine particularly relevant to the main story.

Chapter two sees Celestia and Raven going to the Equestrian Secret Service office, which looks more like the entrance to an ancient temple or dungeon then a government office. Fittingly mysterious, it is. We finally get to the meat of the story as Celestia goes to the archives and begins her investigation of Twilight's mysterious appearance in the past.

Chapter three picks up directly from the last one. Honestly, this entire story could've easily been a single chapter, since it isn't that long, but whatever.

Celestia and Raven quickly locate and read over the report about a sighting of the events of The Cutie Remark. It's a detailed account, and it certainly feels like something out of a paranormal investigation tv program, but it feels more like an idea being narrated than a real story. Not bad, just kinda underwhelming compared to what it could've been.

Even so, I do like how the author is portraying Celestia as emotionally distraught all throughout this story. No doubt, if such an earth-shattering revelation was revealed anyone would be feeling a little antsy to know, or avoid knowing, what exactly it meant. And the author is really capturing that behavior splendidly from Celestia, which certainly makes up for the lack of meat to the story.

The chapter ends with Celestia putting three and four and five together and realizing that world exists in an alternate timeline. Damn smart, she is. Wonder how she'll live with it?

Pretty well, going by the last written chapter. Oh, and she's apparently going to completely freakin' murder Starlight if she ever finds her in this timeline. Welp.

After reading: I think this fic could've benefited from a little more thought and development. As it is, the story isn't as fleshed out as it could've been, but it's still solid enough that I'd recommend it to anyone in the mood for a different take on Alternate Equestria fics. Seeing the consequences of Twilight and Starlight's actions in The Cutie Remark is one of the most engaging plotlines to come out of the show, one I'd love to see more of in the future. Just, you know, ones that really strive to push the envelope in regards to story and character development.

Hopefully I get my computer back before the next round of Lizardman Reviews, cause I don't like sharing. Hope you're all having a happy month of ghosts and goblins, everyone!