Zaid Rants: Georg's 'The Monster in the Twilight' and Brief Thoughts on Story Focus · 10:06pm Oct 18th, 2016
Boy, oh boy.
You know, I never really intended to make more of these type of blog posts, but what can I say. I guess I'm just that bitter.
Either way, since the only way I know how to deal with crippling writer's block is by writing something else until writer's block strikes again, I've come back with another venting monologue about horsie stories. This time I want to talk about "The Monster in the Twilight" by Georg because an Alternate Universe where Twilight wasn't reigned in by Celestia when she lost control of her magic back in her entrance exam and was cast away to the Everfree sounded like a fun ride.
So, what did a random person think of a story that over three thousand seemed to enjoy? Well, read on to find my in-depth thoughts of the major events of the story as well as an opinion about Story Focus in general.
Also, I want to make something clear. These, uh, "reviews" aren't meant to bash the author and the story, far from the truth. They're more of a place for me to talk about stories that, in my view, are being dragged away from greatness by some flaw.
Anyway, let's dig in, shall we?
Let's start at the beginning. As I said, the description makes the setup clear, Twilight loses control of her magic and starts wrecking the Castle in a greater scale than what we saw in the show. Fearing what may happen if this keeps going on, Celestia zaps Twilight to the Everfree. This messes with the young filly's brain, causing her to revert to a somewhat feral state of mind. Going from that, one could think that this story is going to be about a broken Twilight, wandering around the Everfree, scared and alone, and how the ponies from Ponyville react to this new addition to the already scary forest, and you'd be right, because that is precisely what happens!
For the first eighteen or so chapters, at least.
That's the point where things start to feel... weird. From that point onwards, the author starts introducing sideplots and new characters that have little to no pay-off. The problem is so endemic throughout the latter half of the story, that I find it much easier to give you a rundown of the main events of the story as well as my opinion in them, so... y'know, in case it wasn't already obvious, there be spoilers up ahead.
When Twilight arrives at the Everfree, having calmed down from her magic surge and with newfound mental issues to boot, she is found by a young Zecora, who has just arrived at the Everfree as well following the orders of her elders back in Zebrica. She finds her scared, hurt, on the brink of death, and with no memories, so she nurses filly Twilight back to health and adopts her as her daughter.
Meanwhile, amongst the rubble of the Castle, Princess Celestia finds Trixie and she takes her as her apprentice. She is neither seen nor mentioned for another twenty or so chapters, but that's alright because this story is about Twilight, right?
Fast forward twelve years and Shining Armour and Cadence are at the Everfree alongside a group of unicorn guards. Apparently they've been doing this every year since Twilight got lost. Once Twilight escapes again, they all go back to Canterlot and are neither seen nor mentioned for fifteen or so chapters, but that's alright because this story is about Twilight, right?
Oh, and Cadence is now pregnant, by the way. This is mentioned again twice in the rest of the story.
Zaid, would you stop that? It's as thought you've never heard of foreshadowing before. These scenes are clearly meant to build up to later events in the story.
I'll let you hold onto that thought for the time being. Meanwhile, let's see what has been of Twilight after all these years.
We start to follow Apple Bloom as she finds out about "Monster" as she has come to call Twilight, since her power surge back then left her with not only mental but also physical scars. Apple Bloom also gets her to do her homework for her, and that's how they start to bond. Apple Bloom gets books and food for "Monster" and Twilight does her homework.
These scenes pretty endearing, and quite a delight to read. I'm somewhat reminded to the relationship between Elliot and E.T. with Apple Bloom's child innocence and Twilight's disabilities inciting that same foreign and otherworldly feel. These bonding moments set the tone for their relationship and you can really buy that they will be friends.
Oh, speaking of Twilight's disabilities. At this point we find out that Twilight has some cognitive problems, almost as if she had been on her own this whole time and developed a feral personality instead of having been raised by Zecora for well over a decade.
Huh...
We also find out that feral Twilight has a crush on Big Mac. It's really interesting to see how an adult with the mentality of a filly deals with those feelings, her inner monologues are great. After all, the surge of magic that did a number on her brain must have had some odd effects in her development, specially as she went through puberty with only Zecora as company.
Anyway, regarding Twillight's crush, she tries to show her affection through several gifts. For a couple of chapters. Then Twilight gives Big Mac a room full of flowers and sends him to the hospital because she didn't know Big Mac was allergic to pollen. However, he forgives her and allows Apple Bloom to go see her again. He is not seen again for the rest of the story.
You may have started to notice a pattern here, but don't dwell on that for too long, because it's at this point that Scootaloo starts getting suspicious about Apple Bloom spending so much time "doing her homework" instead of going out with Sweetie Belle and her on Crusades, so she decides to follow Apple Bloom and ends up discovering "Monster".
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle bring Twist along with them to try to get the truth from Apple Bloom. The four of them start to spend time with Twilight in the Everfree. They then bring Featherweight, who starts taking a lot of pictures of their outings.
Remember when I mentioned just how well done Apple Bloom and Twilight's bonding was when they met earlier? Well now you have more of that in spades for the next couple of chapters where we see feral Twilight and the CMC+2 just having fun in the Everfree, and we see how even the most fearsome creatures are scared of Twilight. These chapters are the highlight of the story, almost all of these scenes are pure gold in my opinion, and I would have loved to stay with this group and see them grow closer together.
Key words being would have.
See, we're closing on the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration, meaning Nightmare Moon return. So, does that mean that we'll see our ragtag team of misfits face one of the greatest threats to Equestria?
Yes! But not before the whole story derails in several ways that are quite interesting to analyse.
Not long before Nightmare Moon returns, Twilight and company are kidnapped by Chrysalis and her changelings. While inside one of the cocoons, Twilight ends up having a dream in which Nightmare Moon tries to take ahold of her because of her sheer power, but Twilight breaks free thanks to the intervention of a changeling drone. Twilight proceeds to free her friends and adoptive mom, destroying the hive and killing almost every single changeling.
Yup.
Once they're out, they find Chrysalis about to die due to her injuries. They talk for a while and then Twilight storms off because she doesn't know if she should kill her or not and we get another one of those great inner monologues by her feral mind. You better savour it, because it's the last you're going to get for quite a while.
At this point the story reminds us that Shining Armour and Cadence exist by sending them to the Everfree and find out what was that weird explosion. They find Chrysalis on her last moments, and as her last actions she makes Cadence the new Queen of the Changeling Hive by connecting her to the hivemind. This is the last time this is mentioned in anything more than a brief line of dialogue.
Oh, and from this point, we're going to spend all the time following Trixie and Celestia. Remember when Trixie was in this story? When I reached this point in the story I sure didn't.
Speaking of Celestia, not long passes before she banishes herself to the sun to keep Nightmare Moon from taking hold of her magic, since in this story, the Nightmare is similar to a Wendigo, feeding of anger, hate, and negative emotions.
While you take in these revelations and try to process them, let me tell you all about how one of Trixie's guards just so happens to be a changeling. Oh, and Trixie puts him in charge of taking care of Twilight, Zecora (who was transformed by Twilight to look like a young Cadence), and the CMC+2 while she holds NMM back.
Twilight and the group finds out about the Elements of Harmony and decide to go get them, while the guard goes after them, trying to stop them. Notice how the guard being a changeling doesn't affect the unfolding events.
Meanwhile, Trixie does a fairly good job at holding NMM back, and manages to enrage her, giving time for the rest of Ponyville to evacuate town. She manages to escape and meets with the rest of the Mane 6 plus the transformed Zecora only to find out that Twi and the rest are going to the Everfree.
While we don't have to see how everyone goes through challenges to get to the Castle and show which element they represent, this is not a problem. Back in the earlier, arguably better chapters, it's shown which element Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Twist, and Featherweight embody in a subdued, non-intrusive manner, so we head into the final confrontation with all that knowledge.
They make it to the Castle, but Twilight got ahead of the group and goes inside to face the bad pony (I honestly can't emphasize enough how great feral Twilight's monologues are), and is then trapped in the Castle with NMM.
As the tension grows, we cut back to Trixie, who realises that Nightmare Moon feeds of power, anger, and hate to make herself strong. It's actually a good scene, and a fairly good work of deduction from her part which would have been much better had there been some sort of set-up or build-up to it rather than none.
Meanwhile, the changeling guard transforms into Celestia, for some reason, and breaks the door open with his changeling powers. This is the only time that a changeling actually affects the plot in any meaningful way, and even then it could have worked better if another character had done it.
When the doors are open, the CMC+2 go in, before NMM closes the door again, leaving Trixie and the rest of the Mane 6 outside. Once inside, the CMC+2 manage to stand their ground against NMM as Twilight figures out they're the Elements. Magical Rainbow Tornado happens, but Twilight realises that the Elements are draining her friends, and they will die if they try to purge the Nightmare from Luna instead of just killing her.
Since she won't allow her friends to die, she creates a pocket dimension where Luna and her will be encased by the Elements. This comes out of nowhere, since no spell like this has been mentioned before in the story, and Trixie justifies it by saying Princess Celestia once did something similar. Note that she is saying this after the fact and not in any of the preceding chapters.
Up to this point, Trixie has been feeling cheated since she believes Celestia only took her in as her protégé as replacement for Twilight. So, in an attempt to prove herself, she takes the tiara of Magic and tries to pull Twilight and Luna back from the Pocket Dimension. With a little help from her friends, she manages to take both of them out.
Oh, and Twilight is a filly again. And an alicorn. Why not. I guess giving her a new chance at a normal life wasn't enough, so the Elements decided to circumvent Magical Mystery Cure while they were at it.
It's at this point that the story starts wrapping up. Celestia breaks free from her imprisonment, Luna is sorry, Trixie burned her mane, the CMC+2 are celebrating the advent of the fillycorn, all is smiles.
Oh, right. I almost forgot. Zecora gets shipped with the changeling guard at the last second because he started rhyming out of nowhere. I am completely serious.
Then there's the epilogue, in which it's revealed that Trixie and the rest of the Mane 6 pose as the Elements to the rest of Equestria as a way to protect the fillies. Twilight now lives in a tree (No, not Golden Oaks, there's where Trixie lives with Spike, silly. Yes, Spike is in this story too, for a grand total of three lines of dialogue, ten chapters ago), with her adopted parents, Zecora and the changeling guard.
Yes.
Also, they get constant visits from Shining Armour and Cadence, alongside their daughter (remember when Cadence was pregnant? This is the payoff, one mention in one scene in the epilogue) She is also visited by her parents, the biological ones, who haven't been mentioned or acknowledged in any way since the very first chapter.
There's also a post-epilogue which sets up the sequel, in which feral fillycorn Twilight writes letters to Luna because... they're both outcasts, I guess.
Zaid, would you stop that? You've done nothing but complain all this time, are you actually going to give some constructive criticism?
Yeah, yeah. I just wanted everyone to either familiarise or refresh their memories of the story. I needed you to understand my mindset so you'll understand when I say that...
I actually really liked this story.
Could have fooled me.
Yes, there are some very troubling things with it. For example, I don't care in the slightest about what Trixie or the rest of Ponyville are doing. You know why? Because I've spent the first half of the story with feral Twilight and the CMC+2. I care about what they're doing. I care about their little adventures and how they bond and become friends, because the story has done such a remarkable good job in giving me that.
The entire changeling sidestory could have been removed, and it would hardly impact the story. Seriously, Twilight's memory could have just as easily been triggered by one of the dozens of Smarty Pants dolls Cadence had made and left in the Everfree. What's more, there was no reason to have the changelings in this story, since the one who follows the CMC in the forest could have easily been replaced with a normal guard, or hell, even Trixie.
Also, I touched upon this earlier, but Twilight should be able to speak normally, though I suppose everything can be chalked up to having her brains fried by her magic outburst back when she was a filly. However, she's supposed to have lived alongside Zecora, the shamaness who is very well versed in potions and magical herbs, she should at least be able to speak with some semblance of normalcy. Or maybe even in rhyme. I kind of have to wonder if the author simply forgot that Zecora was introduced in chapter 2 and was supposed to be shown as Twilight's foster mother and didn't remember until much later in the story.
Overall, "The Monster in the Twilight" is not bad, not at all. It just gets bogged down by so many unnecessary sidequests it lowers the quality of the entire story.
And this leads into the second part of the title of this rant. Story Focus. Don't worry, I'll be brief.
It is one thing if the plot of story escalates to higher and higher levels of depth and complexity, this is an effective way to rise the stakes and draw the reader further in. But it's an entirely different matter to just tack on different sideplots that you have no real intention to resolve and that add little value to the story as a whole.
If you pardon the unorthodox comparison, think of plotpoints as cooking ingredients. The individual flavour of each ingredient loses strength the more varieties you add. By removing certain ingredients from a dish, the strength of the remaining ones sharpens and you're able to experience them at their fullest.
By adding more and more extraneous sidestories that don't amount to much in the long run, the main plot just gets muddled and the story as a whole loses strength.
I believe that "The Monster in the Twilight" could have been even better had it embraced its central plot and developed it to its full potential. And if any of those side plots had to be included, they could have been better integrated to the rest of the plot so they didn't feel as unnecessary detours.
All in all, this is a story I want to love, because aspects of it are masterfully done, but as it stands right now, I'm torn between liking it and just being disappointed.
...
Yeah, I bet when Shakespeare said that brevity is the soul of wit he wasn't angry.
Though I haven't read this story, I can understand why you felt it was frustrating, Your argument was pretty good as well, and I enjoyed reading it.
4261320 And I enjoyed reading your comment, Arccy~
But seriously, as much as I trashed it, the story is good. Could be great, but it is good.
So how did you like the sequel?
Seriously, I'm going to make time for a reasonable rebuttal in here eventually. Remember, the total number of characters in this story tops out at around 25, which is Game of Thrones sized. Quick inventory: Celestia, Luna/Nightmare Moon (they get two), Cadence, Shining Armor, Trixie, Spike, Big Mac, Twilight/Monster, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Twist, Featherweight, Tallgrass, Zecora, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pumpernickel, and a couple others I just used as POV props. I now understand the temptation George R R Martin has to thin the population a little.
And I still kept it under 100k words. More later, I promise.
4425198
Oh, is it done? I think I added to my 'Tracking' folded a while ago. I'll check it out one of these days.
I look forward to reading it. I'll probably try to read the story again so I can give you a proper reply when that happens.
4425211 "Done" is such a weak word. Letters is written in arcs, 14 so far, each of which is not really self-contained but has a beginning and an end, so they could have been published in 14 little sequels. A quarter-million words total, even though the last three arcs focus on the clash between Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo, and the rather unique way that Monster gets them to see what each other sees. (It kind of got away from me, but I knew where I was going, and darned if I didn't get there.))
Certain of the characters who got short shrift in Monster get to shine here, as well as some other plots that were awful fun to play with. Oh, and I got Trixie married. And Celestia is 'pregnant' in a fashion. Really, its a fun romp.
I agree with some things.
Twilight is never implied to have spent the entire intervening years with Zecora, and in fact is implied to rarely be with her judging by her general condition. She's more often trusted to wander off on her own, presumably for weeks to months at a time.
The changeling -> zebra thing was foreshadowed long before during the hive sequence, when Zecora wormed her way into the hivemind and trash-talked Chrysalis.
4736597
No, but they've spent enough time together for her to consider Twilight her daughter. It seemed odd to me that she never tried to help her surrogate daughter's issues, or at the very least that it was never addressed in the story.
Regarding your other argument... I can say I have a rebuttal. It's been a while since I read this story, and a lot of details elude me at the moment.
4736971
Zecora spoke through a changeling to Chrysalis. She actually said something along the lines of "you're doomed" before the changeling was zapped by Twilight blasting the vent spell.