Lizardman Reviews #7: Reviews from the Museum

So, the Halloween season is upon us, and as usual, my skeletonified body was discovered and put on display for hundreds of awestruck tourists to be marveled and gawked at in a glass display case. Happy times, indeed...

Today's RNG Picks: 1, 4, 5

A Newspaper Solves Everypony's Problem by Justice3442

Starlight Glimmer is about to embark on a few little friendship lessons. Five to be exact. However she’s still a little murky on how to get all her friends to cooperate so things go as quickly and efficiently as possible. Luckily A surprise visit from another friend might solve Starlight’s problem.

Before reading: I haven't read too many fics on this site that were written to be alternative takes on the premises of existing episodes, so this is pretty new to me. I don't have much to say about it, only that I'm aware the author is a bit like me in that he takes pride in being off-the-wall, judging by his body of work on this site. So I might like it, in that case, but we'll see. Time to see what Fimfic's resident crazy internet dweller has cooked up.

While reading: The fic starts with Sunset Shimmer going through the portal back to Equestria. Except now she has wings...? Is this because of all the magic mumbo jumbo from the movies? I haven't seen Legend of Everfree yet, so was this something that happened in the movie? The story doesn't really explain it, so I'm just left confused. Then again, what else should I have expected from this author?

Sunset finds the rest of Twilight's friends. turns out, she came back after having heard about Starlight's attempts at friendship lessons from Spike, and wants to make sure everything's alright. Sounds legit.

It quickly becomes clear that this is the events of the episode occurring and Sunset realizes what Starlight's up to. Guess she and Twilight/Spike have been sharing a lot with each other about what's happened between the movies.

Sunset finds Starlight and proceeds to beat her with a newspaper.

‘WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!’

“OW!”

“No Starlight Glimmer, that’s a bad Starlight Glimmer!” Sunset shouted.

Now that's funny. Not the beating, I mean; her dialogue.

More beatings later, Sunset talks Starlight out of using her mind control spell stuff and instead to take things slow and steady. If there's one thing I've learned from Fire Emblem, it's that persuasive speech solves all problems. That and axes to the face.

Twilight and Spike return to find everything is normal. But then Sunset comes back with another newspaper and proceeds to beat Twilight with it because she's a bad teacher.

The End

After reading: Overall, this fic's just okay. It's got a few laughs, but nothing really gripping. Most of what Justice writes is like that; just simple little light reads with some kooky characterization thrown into the mix. It's worth a read if you have about ten minutes to kill and are a fan of deliberate OOC humor. Otherwise, you'll just be left bored by it.

Mature fics from this point forward!

Tarry Not by PegasusMesa

A long night of writing letters is interrupted when Princess Luna appears with a dire warning. Now Twilight Sparkle has only one option in order to save Equestria from this new, deadly threat: she must make love to Luna.

Saving the world has never been so easy.

Before reading: Wow. Just... wow. I don't think I've ever seen a more contrived synopsis for the purposes of clop than this. Like, seriously, can anyone reading this produce one more contrived and outlandish? You all know what I think of fics like these by now, and I'll just say up front, I'm more than likely going to skim over the sex stuff. If the writing is especially gripping or the characters really pop, then I might actually read it for realz. But somehow I doubt that's gonna be the case, given how short this story is. Whelp.

While reading: So we start off exactly how the description said; Twilight's writing letters when Luna shows up and immediately just straight up says they need to make love in order to save Equestria.

Well, at least the author's getting straight to the point. That's definitely a plus.

The writing isn't very exceptional, unfortunately. It's adequate, of course, but the pacing, the atmosphere, and the overall setup leave a lot to be desired. Maybe if this fic went for a more comedic approach, like, completely all out OOC humor, then I imagine the fic would be a more engaging read. Substituting smooth pacing and tension-building for laughs can certainly work for stories like this; hell, I wish more clopfics would go that route, since we don't see that a whole lot on this site. The description certainly feels suited to a story of that nature, but the lack of a comedy tag clued me in that such a story wasn't forthcoming.

But while the story doesn't have OOC humor, it certainly doesn't hold back on OOC-ness. Twilight agrees to be fucked by Luna way too readily. I mean, she is shocked and questions why it's necessary for Equestria's well-being, but Luna's like 'can't tell we need to fuck' and Twilight's like 'ok let's fuck' and I'm like 'fuck you RNGoddess'.

They get their sex on. Aside from substituting a spell for actual dicks, it's no different from every other sexfic you've read on this site.

We end with Twilight confessing she knew Equestria wasn't in danger (at least she isn't OOC in regards to her smarts), and the two decide to go another round while eating pixie sticks. Kinda random candy, but whatever, at least it's over.

After reading: You'll know whether this fic is for you just from the description. Honestly, this review probably wasn't even worth it, since it told you everything you probably expected to hear about the 'story'. If you're a fan of TwiLuna, or lesbian sex in general, then sure, give it a read. May your boner/wet crotch satisfy you more than my distaste for this shit ever could.

Maud-Mac Breeding by Hopeful_Ink_Hoof

Maud Pie has come to Sweet Apple Acres for a single purpose: to see about being bred and impregnated by Big Macintosh.

Before reading: Looks like I answered my own earlier question: this is now the most contrived clopfic description I've ever seen. And yet, I have a much better feeling about this one. Don't know why. We have three chapters to read, only one of which being cloppy. Not sure what kind of gripping narrative the author has to present, but hey, Maud Pie is awesome. So let's dive right on in and see if this fic's sexy shenanigans will be more entertaining than the previous one's. Somehow I don't doubt that it will.

While reading: Just like the previous fic, this one gets straight to the point, with Maud arriving at SAA and straight up asking Big Mac for sex. Why can't I be that lucky with girls? ;_;

Already, this fic is setting itself apart fromthe previous one in key ways that i can get behind. While the writing quality isn't much better, heck, probably a little worse, this story makes up for such shortcomings with some worldbuilding material regarding sex between pony families, and ancient customs regarding the practice. I'm sure it draws parallels between some real world culture, but not one I'm keenly familiar with.

Also a plus is that the characters are true to themselves. This could easily have gone the OOC humor route, but the fic is actually doing a good job portraying these characters as true to the show, despite all the sex talk. It's... actually kind of refreshing.

The first chapter ends with Big Mac asking for some time to think it over...

... But then the second chapter starts off saying Big Macintosh is willing to do it.

It would've been nice to actually see him contemplate his decision. But I didn't go into this expecting master writing quality, so meh, whatever. At least the characters aren't like 'let's fuck' 'okay' *proceeds with fucking*.

The prelude to sex is every bit as hilarious as having Maud Pie discuss the act can possibly be. Seriously, she's so well in character here that I can almost believe she'd actually discuss this kind of stuff in the show. I'm sure she would, even, if ratings weren't an issue. The sheer absurdity of the whole situation is certainly making up for the lackluster writing quality.

They get their sex on. Even when she's being fucked senseless, Maud's still as stoic as ever.

The last chapter sees Big Macintosh visiting the Pie family rock farm to meet his new daughter. Aaaaand... that's it.

After reading: This is one of the most ridiculous clopfics I've ever read, but that's exactly why it's so funny, and why I can actually recommend it to anyone who's a fan of absurdist humor. Maud's stoicness mixed with sexytimes, a comedy definitely makes, and this fic delivers it to maximum effect. While it's still not technically a great read on an objective scale, it's worth checking out for anyone who's like me and is tired of the generic clopfic formula, and just wants something a little new. If there were more clopfics here that at least tried to set themselves apart from the crowd, then I'd give more of a shit about them.

That's it folks! Tune in net week for more Lizardman Reviews, while I wait here in this display for my flesh and blood to regrow so I can return home, and subsequently figure out a way of returning to my home planet. Ciao!