This is our story... #3 · 12:32pm Sep 28th, 2016
Hey guys. Critique here. It's 5:30 A.M here and I am awake. Which is not necessarily a good thing. I've been up for about an hour now, trying to get back to sleep. And ... as you can see, that's hasn't been going very well.
But this is another 'This is our story'. I thought I'd get this done early because... I've actually had an okay week so far, and I don't want to spoil it. It's been nice to just have that. It's been nice to see that 'Yeah, I've been in a bad spot, but those bad spots do end. They do come back to being okay.' And, even though I knew that, it was nice to be reminded. To see it again.
Been playing a bit of Fire Emblem: Awakening. Doing another run through of Lunatic mode. I'm hoping that this will get me to want to play Fates. Man, I had forgotten how difficult those first 5 chapters were in Awakening. Basically, it boils down to 'Hook Fredriek with Avatar character and hope you don't get hit.'. I can't tell you how many times I had to retry the maps because it didn't go exactly right. The numbers had to be perfect for me to complete it. It was bad.
I'm on chapter 7 and I just rescued Anna for the first time. I'll keep you guys updated on my progress on that. Hopefully by the end of the play through, I'll win back my love for the game and play Fates right after.
So, that's been my week. Feel free to let me know how you guys are doing. Either in a message or in the comments because I know I don't ask you guys that question enough.
Anyway, this is something that makes me happy.
***Robin Williams***
Many of you know this man, he was one of the greatest comedians of all time. But he wasn't just a comedian, he was an actor, he was a writer and he was just a genuinely good human being. I don't think I've ever heard a bad Robin Williams story. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk bad about Robin Williams. He was just someone who wanted to bring happiness to everyone, even if he wasn't happy himself.
If you didn't know, Robin Williams passed away in 2014. I won't say how he died, but it was suicide. And that affected me, at the time because, I was still in my depression when he died. And it didn't just affect me because I was depressed, this was someone who made me smile. He made me laugh. His stand up was funny. HIs improve was funny. His movies were hit and miss, but he was at least trying his hardest to entertain.
This was a man who, if you ever saw him in interviews or anything like that, you'd see him making jokes, getting people to laugh and just being entertaining. He was never one to take things seriously and some people might find that annoying. I know that it can come off as 'Look at me! Look at me!' But, I don't think Robin came off as that. I don't think he was ever doing this for himself, or to make money. He did this because he felt like this is something he wanted to do. He felt he needed to do. Because when he was serious, he was very quiet and almost talking under his breath.
And one of the reasons I think he really does care and this is also a testament to his genius as a comedian. Which if you don't like his stand-up, I completely understand. He's very vulgar, he's very crude, but even if you don't like his stand-up, I think a lot of people would admit that he's still really funny. He still does amazing stuff. But, I'm getting off topic.
He's doing a stand-up routine for the troops, somewhere, I can't remember where. (I love this video by the way. If you haven't seen it, I'll put the link to it for you guys.) But, he's doing his stand-up and then a bugle rings for the lowering of the flag. And when that happens, all the troops stand up and turn towards the flag. And as Robin sees that, he stops. If this was someone who wanted the world to look at him, he would have kept telling jokes. He would have been like 'Look at me! Look at me!'. He didn't. He stopped. He took off his cap and he folded his hands and he waited until the flag was lowered. And then, when everyone was turned back around and seated, he had like 7 or 8 beautiful jokes that were so funny just off the top of his head. Just from that moment.
It not only shows that he loved his audience and was respectful to them, it also shows how witty he was and how quick on his feet he was. Nothing is funnier than Robin Williams messing up on his stand-up or some audience member heckling him, and almost a half second later, Robin had like 5 jokes just about that one moment. All of them amazing. Jokes that would take writers several long minutes before they could come up with, he just did it.
Robin Williams made me laugh. He made me laugh a lot. Even when I was my most down. Even now, when I'm not as bad as I was, I will watch his stand-up because it just makes me smile and laugh which is something we all need. We all need that one positive moment in our day. And Robin was a lot of positive moments in mine. And I miss him. I miss him as much as anyone does. But, I'm reminded of a quote. "Don't be sad it's over. Be happy it happened." And I am thankful to have gotten to see Robin Williams, even if it was just through a computer screen or a T.V screen, I was thankful for that. I do wish I had met him, but I am thankful for everything that he gave to me as an entertainer.
He made a lot of my bleak days seem just a little bit brighter. And I think he did the same for others. Thank you, Robin Williams.
***Feeling Worthless***
This is probably the worst feeling in the world for me. When I don't feel like I'm being productive or I'm feel like I'm not doing anything to contribute to anyone. And I feel like that all the time. Everyday I feel that way. Sometimes it's really bad, sometimes I'm able to get through it without it bothering me too much. But I constantly feel worthless. And I think that's because I expect a lot from myself. I have all these responsibilities and things that I need to do, and I don't always do them. I either put them off because I don't want to or because I don't see the point as a result of feeling worthless.
There are days when I find myself thinking that 'You're not helping anyone. You're not contributing anything to anyone. Why are you here?' And sometimes those feelings are very strong. Sometimes they are. I feel it as I'm writing this blog. I just realized that. There's a voice telling me 'You are wasting your time. Nobody's going to read this. Nobody's going to care. Because you're not important.'
But I'm not going to listen to that voice. I'm not. And you shouldn't either. That voice you hear, it's full of crap. Nobody is worthless. Nobody is worthless. I don't care if you hate me, or dislike me and feel that I shouldn't be doing this on the site, you're not worthless. I don't think you're worthless.
When you feel like I feel, it can be hard to motivate yourself into doing things that you enjoy or will make you feel better, because you don't feel like you'll accomplish anything. Which is why I like doing household chores because I'm doing something. I'm accomplishing something. Speaking of which, I've got a huge pile of laundry and dishes, that I'll probably get to after I write this. I want to get to them after this. I will get to them because that will make me feel better. It will help me feel like I've accomplished something. And I know it's a very small thing, but when you feel worthless, something small can make you feel a little important. And you are important. You're very important.
You deserve to not feel this way. You deserve all the happiness in your life. You may not think you have anything and I know it's really easy to think that. There are days when I feel like 'I don't deserve to talk to these wonderful people here. They're all so amazing and I'm just ... I don't deserve them.' But you do. You do deserve all the wonderful things in your life. If you have friends in the real world, you deserve that. If you have family that love you, you deserve that. If you have friends online, you deserve that. If you have a teddy bear that is special to you, make you feel safe. A favorite movie that means a lot to you. Anything that makes you happy and leaves a positive impact on you, you've earned it.
And I'm sure it's been a difficult road to get to this point, to get to where you are right now. Even if you're young, you've had trails you had to deal with and to overcome and to struggle against. But everything you have done that feels right and feels good, you deserve that. And you need to preserve that.
When I look back at the journey I took to get where I am today, I often don't look at the good and the trials I've overcome. I only look at the failures. And because of that, I think of myself as a failure. That everyone is judging me by my failures. And you are not your failures. You're not. You are your successes and your achievements and your triumphs. I've done things. I've overcome obstacles. I feel like I'm overcoming an obstacle right now by writing this. It's a small one, but I'm overcoming it.
Funny how that is. One moment I was feeling kind of guilty and bad about writing this, but ... I feel okay now. I feel like I'm doing the right thing.
There's a scene in X-Men: Days of Future Past, I don't know if all of you have seen it, but there's this scene where Young Charles Xavier played by James McAvoy travels to his future and talks to Older Charles Xavier played by Patrick Stewart. (I loved this movie by the way.) And in this scene, James McAvoy feels like he's worthless. He is a failure. That he'll never amount to anything or never achieve anything in his life. He meets Patrick Stewart and he's this wise, powerful, but incredibly kind father figure to all these kids and these X-Men. And they all look to him for guidance and wisdom and compassion. Patrick Steward ends up telling him that McAvoy needs to be the person he knows he can be. McAvoy rejects the idea of being Patrick Stewart. Of being the great Charles Xavier we know.
But the scene is great because it illustrates that you can be at the lowest point in the universe, and you can climb back out and become something wonderful. Something amazing. The person you deserve to be.
But just know that, you're not worthless. Nobody is worthless. No matter what that voice tells you about yourself, it's full of crap. I really don't know what else to say, but if you feel that way, try to remind yourself, and I know that's the most difficult thing in the world, it's not true. It's not.
Thank you all again for letting me talk about this. I will see you all later.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255
Websites that may be helpful:
http://www.7cups.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/
I am not trained in mental health and do not suggest following my own ways of dealing with depression if they do not seem like they would be a good fit for you.
Link to Robin Williams and the Troops
I think one of my favorite stories about Robin Williams is when he visited Christopher Reeve in the hospital after the latter had had his accident. As Reeve was getting prepped for surgery to reattached his skull to his spine, Williams barged in, claiming in a Russian accent that he was a proctologist here to perform a rectal exam on Reeve, just to get his old friend to laugh again.
And for what it's worth, I know how you feel concerning the whole "worthless" bit. I like to think I have a good life, but there are times when I'm in-between writing things and the thought comes into my mind "This is no good. No one's going to read your work." Maybe it's because long ago, someone told me there was no money in writing and I'd need a "real" job to cover my "hobby", or maybe it's because I spend too much time on the internet and see people getting great responses to their work while I have... not much. It's a struggle, but when I do get some response, when I hear what you think about my stuff (both the good and the bad), then that makes it worth it.
Thank you again.