A.D.D Theater 12 · 3:13am Sep 19th, 2016
This was written before the Griffonstone episode. I still really like the Crab Cake character, I'm going to have to find a use from him eventually.
Pinkie stuck her hoof into the mailbox. A smile stretched across her face as her hoof met a box inside.
“Get something in the mail?” Twilight asked. She had stopped to say hello when she saw her walking to the mailbox.
“Yep!” Pinkie answered, giving her friend a smile. “And I wasn’t even expecting anything!”
Twilight stepped closer to Pinkie, and looked over her shoulder “Who’s it from?”
Getting the little box in both hooves, Pinkie searched for the return address. “It’s from... Oh.” Pinkie’s expression wilted. Not going all the way to a frown, but definitely well into apathy. “Uncle Crab Cake,” Pinkie said in a dull tone.
If it weren’t for her own presence, Twilight was pretty sure Pinkie would have thrown the box into the nearest trash can while nopony was looking.
Turning around, Pinkie walked towards the Sugarcube Corner’s back entrance. “I better make sure nothing’s alive in here.”
Twilight nearly tripped over her own hooves. “What!?”
“Uncle Crab Cake lives in Port of Sardines. He likes to send us local delicacies.” The word delicacies, rolled off her tongue with an air of distance that was more fitting to Rarity, than Pinkie.
“Port of Sardines?” Twilight scrunched up her face, trying to recall the spot on the map that belonged to that name. “That’s a griffon fishing village.”
Pinkie only nodded to Twilight’s statement. Setting the box on the counter, she carefully opened it. She gave a sigh of relief when she found only a can and a letter inside. Pinkie picked up the can with all the care of a bomb, and sat it in the trash.
“You’re just going to throw that away?” Twilight asked, floating the can back out.
“Can’t read the label. You don’t open griffon food if you can’t read the label.” Returning to the box, Pinkie unfolded the letter and read it to herself.
There was a tone in Pinkie’s voice that reminded her of the warning she had given them about parasprites. True enough, she couldn’t read the label. While the characters were familiar, their arrangement was unpronounceable to her. “Dash can read Griffon. Mind it I have this?”
“All yours.”
Pinkie’s mood was starting to worry Twilight, but whatever was in the last half of the letter seemed to bring the poof back to her hair.
“Uncle Crab got engaged!” Pinkie cheered. “He’ll be in Canterlot next week. They’re getting married there, and he wants me to organize the reception!”
Twilight couldn’t help but mirror Pinkie’s smile. “That’s great!” Tucking the can into her saddlebag, she walked over and gave her friend a hug. “Let me know if I can help.”
Leaving the bakery with a warm cookie in her levitation, Twilight made her way back to the crystal castle. Hopefully Dash would be around so she could have her read the label on the can. A rainbow streak and moving cloud told her she was in luck: Rainbow Dash was cleaning up the weather around town. Spreading her wings, Twilight fluttered up to get her attention.
“Hay Twilight,” Dash said, a bit surprised to see her friend up in the clouds.
“Can you read this?” Twilight asked, hoofing the can towards Dash.
“Hmm... Where did you get this? I haven’t seen griffon food since my falling out with Gilda.”
“Pinkie’s uncle mailed it to her. He lives in Port Sardine.”
“Hmm... well.” Dash held the can up for Twilight to see, pointing a hoof to the largest word on the label. “That’s the word for soured; like sour cream, or sauerkraut. And that’s the word for herring, which is a type of fish. I remember Gilda mentioning this stuff. She always complained about not being able to get it outside of the griffon kingdom.”
“So, fermented fish?” Twilight asked.
Dash shrugged. “I guess so. Let’s go try it. I want to see what Gilda was raving about.”
Twilight followed Dash back to the castle. She wasn’t the biggest fan of fish, but she was willing to try something new. Just getting to see the griffon delicacies was enough to keep her curiosity hooked. Opening the kitchen door, they found Spike standing over the stove, with a frying pan in his claws.
“What up girls?” Spike asked a bit paranoid at the sudden appearance of the two mares in the kitchen. With a flick of his wrist, he tossed his moonstone omelette onto a plate, and turned the stove off. With two of the three worst cooks in ponyville in the room, he needed to be ready to do some damage control.
“We need to make some toast,” Dash said. Sitting the can on the table she proceeded to rummage through the drawers looking for something. “Gilda always said you ate this stuff on hard bread, but toast should be close enough.”
Spike took his plate, and made his way to the table. “The toaster is over here,” he said pointing to the device as he passed it. Thinking better of letting either Dash or Twilight trying to make toast, he paused and went back to the toaster. With a free hand, he shoved two slices of bread into the toaster, and pushed the lever down.
“Thanks,” Dash said, still rummaging drawer after drawer.
“What is she looking for?” Spike asked Twilight, who was watching her friend with distant curiosity.
“The can opener.”
“Ha ha!” Dash proclaimed, holding her prize above her head. “Found it!”
With a weary expression, Spike sat at the table and took a bite of his omelette; watching the two mares turn their attention to the strange can.
Twilight floated a plate onto the counter, while Dash fumbled with the can opener. Once she had figured out which end was which, Dash placed the opener against the can, and pressed.
A wet hiss sprayed Dash in the face as she broke the can’s seal.
“Oh...” Twilight whimpered, staggering backwards from the sound. Her horn lit reflexively, putting a barrier around her.
Rainbow Dash buckled. Dropping to her knees, she dry heaved. Her wings desperately fluttered, but she didn’t have the wherewithal to fly herself out of the room. Instead she just manager to spread the smell faster.
The first whiff hit Spike with the faintest hint of the stench that would soon fill the room. Clearing his nose with a puff of fire, he picked up his plate and ran out on the kitchen; and then the whole castle just to be safe. With nothing better to do, Spike decided to finish his meal at Rarity’s
- - - ch 2 - - -
Pinkie stood at the Canterlot airship docks, with a huge sign in her hooves. Mr. Cake stood behind her, morally obligated to greet his relative. Not that Crab Cake was a bad pony. He would help a griffon or pony in need without hesitation. He was also the closest living relative that he and Pinkie shared, so that had to count for something good too.
No, Uncle Crab was a good pony, he was just so very strange. Having grown up with griffons, had given him a strange pallet and a worse smell. Mr. Cake couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mare had decided to marry him.
“There he is!” Pinky cheered, waving the oversized “Crab Cake and Fiancé” sign.
Mr. Cake watched the crowd of ponies and griffons walk down the gangway. Uncle Crab was easy to spot. A coat the color of half-dried blood, and driftwood-brown mane, made him stand out from griffons and ponies alike. The real challenge was guessing which mare was his fiancé. The unorganised crowd made it hard to tell who was traveling with who.
“Hey Pinkie, hey Carrot, thanks for the welcome.”
Mr Cake forced a smile as he was snapped out of his ponderings. He started to give his uncle a hug, but a whiff of old seafood stopped him. It didn’t stop Pinkie, but then he doubted much would. “Where’s the lucky mare?” he asked, not seeing any mares at all around them.
“Ahem,” A female griffon cleared her throat just behind Crab Cake. She had an awkward, uncomfortable look about her—that for some reason Pinkie was mirroring.
“I didn’t realize Pinkie was your niece,” the griffon said.
“Gilda? What are you doing here?” Pinkie asked, taking a few steps back.
Crab Cake beamed a smile at the griffon. “You two know each other? Great!” Turning back to Mr. Cake, he rested a hoof on his shoulder, and pointed to the griffon. “Carrot Cake, This is my fiancé Gilda.”
Mister Cake giggled nervously. Pinkie just kinda gawked, her jaw swaying with the breeze. Gilda scratched at her arm, still looking out of place.
“So how do you two know each other?” Crab asked, totally oblivious to the situation.
“I threw her a party... once.” Pinkie answered flatly.
“Yea, about that. I owe you all an apology. I was in a bad place, and took it out on you.”
Pinkie blinked. “Really?”
Gilda looked back towards the ship. Resting a claw on Crab’s back, she idely ran her talons across his withers—sending a dopey grin across his muzzle. “Yea.”
“Well, we better get you two checked into the hotel,” Mr. Cake said, ushering his uncle and Pinkie towards the city. He gave the griffon a smile and nod for her to follow. “So... how did you two meet?”
Gilda blushed at the question. The hulking predator suddenly looking delicate and feminine.
“I told her dirty jokes till she smiled,” Crab Cake answered with a dopey grin.
Pinkie and Mr Cake both looked to Gilda for a better explanation.
“I have family in Port Sardine. They were letting me crash at their place while I sorted my life out. Anyway... I was mostly just drinking at Crab’s bar; there on the docks.” Gilda paused for a moment and shrugged. “Good food, cheap drinks, just what I needed while I wallowed in self pity.”
Crab Cake threw a hoof around Gilda, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “So this cute griffon spent three days moping in my bar. I try to cheer her up, but she just gets angrier. So finally, I broke out some lude jokes I knew in griffon.”
“Who ever taught you those jokes should have their wings removed,” Gilda said with a laugh. Looking back to Mr Cake, she continued her story. “I let him take me out to dinner that night, and we ended up at the griffon place called Hook and Fish.”
The couple shared a grin for a moment, then said in unison, “And we both got food poisoning.”
Gilda shook her head at the memory, but still smiled. “I’m pretty sure it was actually scombroid poisoning. We didn’t even make it back to Crab’s bar before the hives and cramps set in.”
Pinkie and Mr. Cake winced in unison, but the reaction only set the odd couple into a fit of giggling.
“We spent the next two days laying on my bathroom floor, cursing the Hook and Fish. I had to let Tipsy run the bar.”
“So this poor stallion has to watch me vomit for two day straight. Cause neither of us have the strength to leave the room. I figure I’ll never be allowed in the bar again, but no. When he’s finally able to stand, he goes and makes me soup and bread.”
“Made us soup and bread,” Cake corrected.
Gilda planted a talon against her mate’s shoulder, and shoved him away from her. “Whatever.” A silent laugh between the two of them hinted at a private joke. “Either way. He cooks better than my mom, seemed to like me, and wasn’t a deadbeat. So I decided to see if we could make things work. A year later he proposed to me.”
“That’s... strangely romantic,” Mr. Cake said.
I must say, I really like him as well! Best of luck finding a place to stick him in, bud!
Gah, this is really good! Want more!
Hope that you can find a place for Crab if that doesn't happen, but I would really like to see more if you can.