The Contract: Fifty Shades of Neigh · 5:26pm Jul 13th, 2016

I mentioned in my previous post that I've been reviewing Fifty Shades of Neigh, which is a parody of Fifty Shades of Grey. The hero, Crispian Neigh, has a dark secret. He's a Brony.

Anyway, the group that's hosting it, Rage Reviews, is marked NSFW, and some people might not be interested in going there or in the full review.

The fic itself is a mixed bag, and one thing it tries to do is avoid the infamous Contract. But you can't not have The Contract in Fifty Shades. Arguing about it is one of the few things the protagonists do when vertical. It struck me that this was a fatal omission. So I wrote one of my own.

It's under the break. At most, it's a little naughty, but no more than that, and it doesn't link to anything unacceptable. If you want to know what it's poking fun at, it's easy to Google "Fifty Shades of Grey contract."

CONTRACT
Made this day_________ of 2016 (“The Commencement Date”)
BETWEEN

MR. CRISPIAN NEIGH of The Poorly Written Apartment, Seattle, WA, Some Inaccurate Zip Code
(“The Powner”)

MISS HANNALORE MOONBEAM GALADRIEL SQUEAL of Some Apartment The Author Can’t Decide About Because The Roommate’s Not Rich Now, Vancouver, WA, Some Other Inaccurate Zip Code
(“The Pon-ee”)

This is a bunch of legal crap, toots, but I hear everyone’s doing this these days and you can download it straight off the Internet. I’m stealing it, because that’s the way I roll, and because it’s a lot less trouble than writing it up myself. There’s a lot of boilerplate in here, and I might leave some of it in by accident because I’m in the middle of a raid online. Same deal with the numbers: I’m not going to renumber everything just so it makes sense. It’s not like it made sense to begin with. I’m pretty sure you’ll just skim this, won’t take any of it in, and then sign your name anyway, because it’s not a “Classic British Novel” and because your English professor is probably right about you.

THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS
1 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Powner and the Pon-ee.

FUNDAMENTAL TERMS
2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to force the Pon-ee to embrace my kink, specifically related to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, henceforward to be known as “The Show.”

3 The Powner and the Pon-ee agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing.
4 The Powner and the Pon-ee each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses blah blah blah, I swear that thing I had is all cleared up. Get tested for the, um. . . . you know. I’ve got some “lady business” doctor on my staff and she’ll take care of all of. . . that stuff. Just don’t tell me the gnarly details. I’m not good with that.

5 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) blah blah blah. I’m pretty sure you’ve already stopped reading.

ROLES

7 The Powner shall take responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the Pon-ee. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration No point in going into all this, toots: I get to do what I want.

As for the training and discipline: I’m already shopping online. Yowsa. Don’t Google it, ‘k?

COMMENCEMENT AND TERM

10 The Powner and Pon-ee enter into this contract on The Commencement Date fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.

11 This contract shall be effective for a period of three Calendar Months from The Commencement Date whoa whoa whoa what’s this agreed-upon Commencement Date and Three Calendar Months stuff? Nope. This goes on until I’m no longer interested. If you stop being interested, I’m going to sulk and whine and harass you until you give in. If I stop being interested, I will dump you as soon as I can get a good replacement, which might take a while, because all the female gamers and fanfic writers have blocked me, those SJW bitches. Who do they think they are?

AVAILABILITY
12 The Pon-ee will make herself available to the Powner from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Powner (“the Allotted Times”). The Pon-ee is to shut up during Pony Time, as her Powner wishes to eat cereal and watch The Show in peace. No exceptions. The Powner may also demand that the Pon-ee get more Lucky Charms and Froot Loops from the kitchen.

LOCATION
14 Wherever I want to. Duh. The Pon-ee will be expected to attend conventions with the Powner and to hold his place in line when necessary.

SERVICE PROVISIONS
15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise which are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain matters may be renegotiated blah blah blah this contract must have put you to sleep and you’re having dreams with obvious symbolism in which I figure heavily. I’m going to take full advantage of that.

POWNER
15.1 The Powner shall make the Pon-ee’s health and safety a priority at all times. Blah blah blah 1-8 is all about how I own your plot and get to do anything I like with it. Google “plot.” You might as well get to know Brony terms. Don’t worry, though, because I’m going to talk about them anyway. A lot. Also, I’m going to avoid landing you in the hospital. People ask questions.

15.3 The Powner shall provide the Pon-ee with all necessary training and guidance in how to properly serve the Powner. Rrrowl. Four words. Deep. Throat. Cheese. Curls.

15.9 The Powner shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention look, I swear that thing cleared up. Sheesh.

15.10 The Powner shall not loan his Pon-ee to another Powner. Let ‘em get their own. I don’t lend out my SDCC Derpy, either.

PON-EE
15.13 The Pon-ee accepts the Powner as her master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Powner, to be dealt with as the Powner pleases during the Term generally. Like I said, I own your plot.

15.14 The Pon-ee shall obey the rules (“the Rules”) set out in Appendix 1 to this agreement which I’m pretty sure you didn’t read or understand them, so I’m golden.

15.15 The Pon-ee shall serve the Powner in any way the Powner sees fit and shall endeavor to please the Powner at all times to the best of her ability. (Deep throat, cheese curls. See above).

15.17 The Pon-ee will ensure that she procures oral contraception and for God’s sake, don’t get knocked up, ok? I hate wearing those things.

15.19 The Pon-ee shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Powner. Nah. This one doesn’t apply, because you’re totally clueless. By the way, toots, you keep saying you want me to touch you “down there.” Could you be more specific? I get lost. Wax, BTW, otherwise I’ll need a machete, too.

15.20 The Pon-ee shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Powner and shall do without hesitation or argument. I like this one!

15.21 The Pon-ee shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling or any other discipline the Powner should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint. Uh . . . the rest of this is too control-freaky, even for an entitled little snotbox like me.

15.23 The Pon-ee shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Powner and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Neigh, or such other title as the Powner may direct. Don’t care, really. I’ll tell you when to use a lot of “darlings,” when to whisper, and when to speak in a high pitched voice.

ACTIVITIES

Whatever the Powner wants! Duh!

The Powner guesses it’s ok if the Pon-ee likes ‘em too, as long as the Pon-ee agrees that The Show is the BEST SHOW EVER. Adequate time shall be set aside to watch The Show, and to discuss The Show, and to look at fanart of The Show and read fanfiction of The Show and listen to music and watch fan-made videos of The Show. It’ll take up most of the Pon-ee’s time, really. The Pon-ee shall be expected to know details of both canon and popular headcanons. The Pon-ee shall also be expected to agree with the Powner on all occasions. On no account is the Pon-ee to express a liking for any ships which conflict with the Powner’s OTPs. This is grounds for instant termination of the arrangement.

SAFEWORDS
What are those?

CONCLUSION
21 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below.

Sign. Sign. Sign. The Force compels you.

________________________
The Powner: Crispian Neigh
Date

________________________
The Pon-ee: Hannalore Squeal
Date

~~~
APPENDIX 1

RULES

Obedience:
The Pon-ee will obey any instructions given by the Powner immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Pon-ee will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Powner excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. I own your plot. See above.

Sleep:
Don’t care.

Food:
Don’t care. You’re drinking a lot now, I notice.

Clothes:
During the Term the Pon-ee will wear clothing only approved by the Powner. If the Powner so requires the Pon-ee shall during the Term wear adornments the Powner shall require, in the presence of the Powner and any other time the Powner deems fit. I’m already shopping.
Like so:

This.

And this.
Also, this.
This, too.
And definitely this.
And this, this, this.

Exercise:
The Powner shall provide the Pon-ee with a personal trainer dressed in a Rainbow Dash fursuit four times a week in hour-long sessions. She will be tough.

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:
The Pon-ee will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Powner is not into Shetland Ponies.

Personal Safety:
The Pon-ee will not drink to excess except when the Powner wants her to.

Personal Qualities:
The Pon-ee will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Powner. I, um . . . really hope the Pon-ee doesn’t. Not that it’ll hurt my feelings or anything. After all, there’s gotta be tons of other women out there who don’t mind the fedora. Maybe if I send a whole lot of private messages through friends, at least one of them will unblock me. Better make it twice the number of private messages. No sense underdoing a thing, amirite?

APPENDIX 2

Hard Limits

Ew, gross! Isn’t that stuff about kids and animals against the law, anyway? How’d it wind up in a contract?
The other stuff I’ll mention to MacN’Cheese and Fluffernutter and DerpysMine16734 and a bunch of other guys, because it turns out that a lot of bronies know a lot about this stuff. Who’d a thunk it?

APPENDIX 3

Soft Limits

To be discussed and agreed between both parties:

Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Pon-ee?

The Powner has a few favorites which may have come up earlier. The Powner has also lost the convenient little form, so the Pon-ee is to strike through those activities which are hard limits and place an “X” next to any soft limits. Everything else is fair game.

Cupcakes, baking
Cupcakes, receiving
Singing, solo
Singing, group
Singing, listening to
--generally
--shower only
Picnics
--with bears
--without bears
Tea parties
Games acceptable to the Pon-ee:
--Cards Against Equestria
--Twilight’s Secret Shipfic Folder
--Other
Video games
--Fighting Is Magic
--Super Lesbian Horse RPG (my favorite)
Reading comics
Licensed IDW comic listen, toots: I insist on this one. No way am I not going to teach you the pleasures of Andy Price.
Web comics (miscellaneous)