" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 22: "Dragon Quest Review" · 5:35pm Jun 23rd, 2016
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to!
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It's been a while, hasn't it?
Yeah... I won't go into it, but a lot of shit happened that put me out of my reviewing groove. However, all that's now behind me, so let's begin again with Dragonquest! Why? Because I want to make Skyrim jokes while Skyrim Remastered is still relevant. 
The episode starts off with Applejack and Pinkie digging trenches in preparation of the next German bombing run. Er... dragon migration. Yeah, definitely the second one. Meanwhile, Fluttershy is being a racist bitch.
"There's nothing fun about dragons! Scary? Yes! Fun? NO!"
Fuck you Fluttershy, I know some very hard-working, law-abiding FUN dragons. Fucking racist. What next, are you going to recommend we build some great wall of Equestria to keep out all those murderous, rapist dragons?
"But Fluttershy, a dragon migration only happens once every generation! Do you really want to pass up a chance like that?"
Ah, so they're more common than one of my reviews releasing? Good to know. So Dash points out that she went with Fluttershy to watch butterflies, and asks her to join them in return. Fair enough, right?
And Fluttershy broke Rainbow Dash's ribcage, killing her instantly.
And theme.
***
When we return, it seems my first guess was right, as each of the mane 6 except Rarity, who is being a narcissistic bitch, are dressed up in military fatigues. And then they're racist again when Spike tries to take pride in the ferocity of dragons in history, because they are pony-supremacists, before proceeding to humiliate him for his race. Later that night, he has a mid-fucking-life crisis. Thanks a lot, assholes!
"Apparently, ponies know next to nothing about dragons!"
BUUUUUUUUUULL SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. You kidnap their eggs, force them to be raised by children, and are common enough for Celestia to shit one out at every unicorn who can tap an egg! How the flippity flying fuck could ponies know so little about a species they regularly take as pets?! Anyways, Spike decides he's going to join the migration and take the long walk. See you around, space cowboy.
Anyways, when he eventually reaches the dragon's lair, he sees dozens of dragons flying and sitting about. Or, more accurately, three or four dragon models getting copy-pasted across the screen in different poses. After Spike waddles off, we see it. For you see, the defeat of the dragons was merely a delay. No one wanted to believe they existed after Celestia unleashed the energy of the sun on the dragon's homeland, now known as the Badlands. However, they were returning. Along with the one they fear. In their tongue, it is called Dovahkiin. The Dragonborn!
Well, turns out the barbarian dragons are assholes. Surprise fucking surprise, right?
They have a bunch of contests that don't actually leave a lot of room for jokes, sadly. Spike gets knighted, and then all the dragons had a giant fucking dragon drug orgy. AKA, the average Saturday night for Badlands division of the mob. Next, they go to raid a bunch of phoenixes, because pissing off the immortal fire birds is fantastic fucking idea. All but one egg hatch, and Spike grabs the thing. Congratulations, Spike! Now the parents will reject the egg and the chick, because it bears your scent now. It's as good as dead as soon as it's released into the wild.
"I'm not one for fighting, I much prefer fashion, BUT I WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS IF YOU TOUCH ONE SCALE ON SPIKE'S HEAD!
She's not joking, by the way. A guy of mine may or may not have stolen some of her emeralds, and I may or may not have received pieces of his corpse one by one in the mail. And so, they teleport back to Equestria, and we get the most worthless friendship lesson ever. Oh, and we get Peewee, who I'm pretty sure never canonically came back again ever. So yeah, this episode accomplished literally nothing except making characters assholes, waste my time, and by extension, made me waste your time! Goodnight everybody! 
CREDITS
My Little Pony is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro
"Dragon Quest" by Merriwether Williams
"Dovahkiin" by Jeremy Soule
"Megalovania" by Toby Fox
"Determination" also by Toby Fox
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, covered by Cornbread Red
4044014 Thanks! roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/excite.gif
Good to see you up and reviewing again Cynical, and this was a fun one to read.
nice job.
Moral of the story: young dragons are essentially frat boys.
4044243 Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it.
4044360 Truth.
So in other words, skip this episode and go watch Gauntlet of Fire?
4044622 Pretty much.
4124486 Glad to be reading these again! Awesome stuff. Funny stuff.
PS. this refers to all of the reviews that I had to catch-up on.