Words You Shouldn't Use for Female Anatomy · 4:17am Feb 19th, 2016
These words are awful, and you shouldn't use them unironically. Or at all, really. May be updated periodically if I find another stupid noun that makes me visibly flinch.
Part 1: The Vulva and Environs
#1 Cunny: No. Just don't.
#2 Cunny: Seriously, no. No one says this. Stop.
#3 Cunny: Stars alive, what the hell is wrong with you!? Reality check: this is the sort of thing I expect to come from an easily-titillated thirteen-year-old virgin who can't quite bring up the nerve to say it properly.
#4 Box: Do you have any idea how creepy this sounds?
#5 Cooter: This isn't The Dukes of Hazzard, what are you doing.
#6 Va-jay-jay: You aren't Oprah, you can't pull this off.
#7 Ponut: Calling it a "donut" sounds stupid too. Making a portmanteau of out it doesn't help.
Part 2: The Breasts and Torso Highlands
#1 Orbs: Have you never seen breasts in your life, oh my god. 
#2 Spheres: See above.
#3 Melons: See above.
Appendix: Adjectives (Thankfully, I can only think of one right now.)
#1 Turgid: Please stop trying to smoke the thesaurus, that's a library copy, give it back.
Parting remarks:
English has -- quite literally, in fact -- about a million words. This doesn't mean you should use them all willy-nilly. As much as I encourage and attempt to nurture diverse vocabulary coverage, there are times when you need to just buck up and use plain, ordinary words. Your thesaurus is an ally, not a steadfast bedmate.
Also note that a writer of sufficient skill may manage to use (some of) these words (sparingly) in very specific contexts (all of which involve dialogue). They probably shouldn't either, but they can sometimes get away with it.
I like humanized stories where the writer feels compelled to give every female character's bra size.
And by 'like,' I mean 'despise.'
I'm tempted to turn it around, where the female protagonist gives measurements for every male. I already have one of my pre-readers onboard for this project.
3771755
That brings up a related concern where those bra sizes are always inflated to comical proportions.
Doooo eeeet!
In keeping with the previous, make sure they all have huge porn-star cocks, starting with a "modest" nine inches at the low end.
3772380
I'm torn between porn star sizes (as is popular here), real horse sizes, or accurate human sizes. Not sure which would be the funniest. Probably depends in the rest of the story.
3772589
I think I have it! Are you familiar with the Bill Brasky sketches? How the stories start out ordinary ("Best damn salesman in the office! ") and become progressively more fantastic ("Like an alligator, he can fully digest a turtle shell." "He once inhaled a seagull.") to the truly outlandish ("They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.") as a bunch of drunk guys try to one-up each other. You could do similar.
Every character has a baseline that's strictly average. Average for some species, at least. But for every mention, the size increases until everyone is packing elephantine members of elegantly-wrought marble about which hymns are written.
3772846
Hmm, that's got some possibilities. Could have a bunch of mares bragging about their coltfriends, or whatever.
I kind of like the idea of it just being a passing mention, though. Part of the description of the character. "He had a green coat, blue mane, and a fourteen-inch penis."
3773898
Yeah, I'm actually thinking a hybrid. Gradualism. Introduce like that, but every once in a while also include a perfunctory statement about a cock that's larger than last time. It's along the same lines as authors of female characters seeing fit to insert blithe reminders that this is a woman with boobs of a certain size (I'm pretty sure I've seen this happen a few times and it is super awkward).
Not that I'm opposed to a bit of Buck Brass Key... dick waving... either.