Inactivity and Other Matters · 8:25pm Jan 8th, 2016
There are people who send me messages when they think I've gone inactive.
Those messages aren't for me.
They're for them.
So I imagine that they are counting down the days to months to when I eventually stop logging onto this website. So their messages will have a sense of finality. You know, like flowers placed on a lonely, solitary grave. But no, I will be here (ghosting it up) when Knighty finally gets around to creating the general website.
And given time, I will post again. Just my nature.
Yesterday night, I deleted thirty-seven fics I started (but never got around to posting) from say, November to now. Holy shit, thirty seven fics. I'm serious. Exclusively pony fics. I write a lot and I hate the bulk of my writing. I'm never really satisfied with it and unless I can complete it and say, yup this is the very best I can do, I don't post. But by 'best', I don't mean good writing. I mean writing that I can't help but want to share, spread the excitement. This fic made me feel a thing. Wouldn't you want to feel it too!
While working out of my funk, I've been posting on Ao3. Not pony fics but shit for dead fandoms. And fuck, it's nice. I'm not saying that I prefer Ao3 over there but it's a nice place to post and meditate on things you write. Mostly because nobody reads it then and there unless you're writing for hot fandoms.
Or if you got the right set of tags, heh. 
I mean on Fimfiction, your shit only has a limited amount of time to be hot and noticed before it falls into the pile, mostly forever forgotten. But on Ao3, it takes me like a week to get some activity and everything just snowballs from there. People leaving kudos and comments way after the fact, months after the fact and gives me time to think. To go, yeah I like this shit, imma write another one. Or not. Who gives a shit?
To describe the difference: Writing for Fimfiction feels like working in a crowded restaurant. The lingo always changes, my shit takes too long to come out and I'm constantly envious of all the other cooks that anything that might be good goes back into the oven to be 'best'. Writing for Ao3 feels working a food stand. I'm my own boss, you eat my shit or bounce, and every little bit of activity feels special.
Posting on both sites is doing good for me, I think. A lot of what went into Celestia Isn't Lonely came from the writing I produced on Ao3. Not just the writing style but the themes and characterization. The very sort of things I stopped writing on Fimfiction because I got too self-conscious and other people were getting featured without it. I thought I was doing myself in by thinking too hard. Whelp.
A lot of the shit on Ao3 I do over there is a lot more or should I say, a lot less unf and more umph.
I like umph because I really don't care for fucking, I like 'they're fucking me and I can't just can't handle' sort of things. Cause that's relatable and funny and I'm aromantic and that's as far as I can get to understanding things of that nature. Sex. Love. Passion. And I wonder if my aromantism effects my writing to the point that it's noticeable. That it's missing some spark. Luna Masturbates was a combination of all I learned from Fimfiction and the writing flair from Ao3 and it flopped. It flopped. The cover-art was damn fine though.
I'm actually offended that it flopped.
But after taking some time to think, I can see why. I can see why I have been unsatisfied with my writing. I've been imitating works and things and all it's done is made me into a third-rate hack. I've been learning bad habits and I need to unlearn them. Alright. I can do that. I got me New Years resolutions backing me up.
And to people who think I've gone inactive and don't post. I write. Honestly, I write. And I have a life. But the biggest fact is that most of the time, I'm too lazy to log in. 
And your messages go straight to my email anyways. And I read those messages.
Why do you message me when you think I am dead? I'll outlive ya! WATCH ME!
I didn't send you a memorium message. You'll post when you post.
3672934
Thanks for that. But aren't those messages annoying? It's like coming to your own funeral.
3672941
I'm never offline for more than 2-3 days, so it doesn't really happen to me.
There's a few folks whose blog posts I've belatedly realize I missed, whereas prior to that they were posting blogs fairly frequently. I will shoot them a PM asking where they've gone and why I never see their blogs; I usually get a reply of "I've moved on to this site" or "I just can't think of anything to talk about." The lack of blog posts typically doesn't coincide with last logged in time, though--they're usually still active, just not talkative. So, different circumstances.
3672952
I see.
The thing is, I've been logging into this account more often. I pop in, think about posting, I pop out. But it's not fun to come back to messages that are so hastily and full of forlorn hdhdskfhs. It annoys me because it means they've been circling my account, just waiting to do a farewell post or something crap like that. It's all about intentions, you know.
But enough about that, did you hear about Reality Check? I'm surprised and I wish him luck on Ao3. I've posted in their pony section before. It's quiet. Very quiet.
3672984
I am indeed familiar with Reality Check's situation. It will be sad to see someone who retained their free thought go, but it will be less sad when such free thought's subject matter is scrutinized as anti-progressivism.
I followed him until he blocked me. I may have disagreed with his tenets, but he was still a voice of dissent amongst the circlejerk of democratic ideology--and that will be missed, if nothing else.