Comments on Equestria's Pony Meat Business chapter 1 · 1:35am Dec 29th, 2015
The following are comments on the first chapter of the explicit, Mature-rated story "Equestria's Pony Meat Business", by The Dark Ghost. They include spoilers and NSFW text. I was initially going to just post a regular comment; but what resulted seemed a bit long for that.
Edit from 2020: While the story was deleted from Fimfiction, it's available from Fimfetch, under story ID 177647.
Although I've read further, I'm mostly evaluating each passage only in the context of what's been said so far.
To start with: There are a lot of double spaces in this chapter (and presumably the rest of the fic). I'm pretty sure that they should all be single spaces (apart from the ones at the ends of paragraphs, which shouldn't be there at all).
Equestria finds another universe were humans hunger for pony meat and sex.
Difficult to parse; possible fused sentence. What are "were humans"? Humans with a curse that makes the full moon transform them into humans? Into adult men, regardless of their natural age and sex?
Instead of closing the portal Twilight uses the mirror pool to make clones of themselves which they sell to the humans
Underpunctuated. Undefined pronoun "themselves".
"I solemnly swear not to be scared at the prospect of being doubly mared."
"I solemnly swear not to be scared at the prospect of being doubly mared."
"I solemnly swear not to be scared at the prospect of being doubly mared.”
Interesting that they managed to find an abbreviated version of the incantation; and that it was in a different perspective and tense.
(Also: I was sure the first time I watched the show that it was "doubly there". It certainly makes more sense, and it's what the captions on the broadcast version show. But "doubly mared" is what rhymes, and it's what the captions on the iTunes version show and what it sounded like when I rewatched it most recently; so I don't know.)
Twilight Sparkle awoke disoriented and confused. Wait… That was her name right?
Needs punctuation.
Where was she? What is going on?
Inconsistent tense.
She had no memories to work with besides her name and the burning desire to learn more about, well, everything.
That's her only other memory as strong as that of her name? Not her family, or her friends, or Princess Celestia? Does the fact that it's referred to as a memory mean that she no longer feels it, even though she'd have more reason to now than ever?
She was in some sort of cave
In the show, it looks like more of a pit or a deep valley than a cave. There seem to be plants around, and light shining in from above.
with a pool of water in the center of it.
So she's already out of the pool, and presumably was when she "awoke"? She was in some sort of pre-conscious sleepwalking state as she "reflected" her original's incantation, climbed out of the pool (as the Pinkie clones did in the episode), then turned away from her original, walked for some distance (she's "in a cave with a pool of water in the center", not "next to a pool of water in a cave"), and turned back around to face the pool? Weird and confusing. And you'd still think that she'd notice that she was in the middle of a huge crowd of identical ponies well before she noticed the pool, having no conscious reason to pay attention to the latter at all.
Around the pool there were
Needs either a comma or the removal of "there".
cages big enough to fit about seven ponies comfortably.
My brain initially read this as describing seven one-pony cages, not an unspecified number of seven-pony cages. At best, I'm pretty sure most people would picture seven seven-pony cages; certainly not (as later implied) seven hundred.
That said, nice touch that her mind unconsciously sees them as pony cages; presumably residual memories are at work. Still, again, how do you notice inanimate objects in the distance before you notice a teeming crowd of thousands all around you? How do you notice the pool, the cages and their positions relative to each other before you notice all the ponies presumably between the pool and the cages?
Who was saying that? Was it her? No she was her.
Missing a comma.
Looking around the cave she could see clones of herself.
Underpunctuated. More importantly, quite an abrupt transition from the initial confusion to being able to casually note "clones of herself" as though it's a familiar, understood phenomenon. Also, is she standing somewhere off separately from the crowd of clones? Are they widely scattered for some reason?
444, 445, 446…450 purple alicorns princesses, just like herself.
Redundant "s". Also, another unconscious memory; she recognizes herself as a princess.
Would she really identify the clones as "princesses", though? You mention later that only the original is crowned.
Also, just how big is this cave?
All of them had a look of confusion on their faces
So she managed to individually identify and note each one of the 450 other Twilight clones without catching the slightest glimpse of the gold-adorned original later mentioned to have been right in the middle of them, repeating the incantation and summoning more clones the entire time? Presumably that one isn't confused.
as if they had been given a sudoku puzzle without any clues and been told to figure it out.
Why a sudoku puzzle in particular? I know she's been to a world similar to ours, but I doubt she spent much time exploring different kinds of puzzles while she was there.
There were more than just clones of herself though. Ponies of every size and shape just stood around the pool looking dazed
Surely the spectrum of colors would be the first thing she'd notice. Also, every size and shape? Just how many sizes and shapes are there, bearing in mind that there's presumably at least one crowd of 450 clones corresponding to each, in addition to 2,700 total clones of Twilight and her friends (all roughly the same size and shape)? Just how big is this cave?
Do the "shapes" include both female and male? Do male ponies have to say a different incantation?
except for the pink ones which were jumping up and down
Missing comma.
chanting “Fun fun fun" over and over again. It gave Twilight a headache
Then how did she apparently not notice it til just now? You'd think it would have thoroughly drowned out the incantations.
Also, "chanting" sounds like a low drone, rather than cheerful shouts like in the episode ("Fun! Fun! Fun!").
if Twilight really was her real name.
Bit repetitive (really/real). (Edit: Also, "Twilight" should probably be in quotation marks; unless she's aware of a pony named Twilight and wondering whether that pony is her name.)
Twilight saw that one of her clones had on a tiara and seemed to be giving orders
A comma wouldn't hurt here. And again, how did she manage to miss her before, even when she was counting the clones?
to the other clones.
Including her? Was she supposed to be listening to her orders all this time? Is she the slow one of the batch?
“Just one more batch guys and then we can move out with this shipment,” she said.
Needs commas. Also, she's saying this to the clones? Are they copying themselves, like the ones in the episode? Sounds risky. How many is a "batch", anyway?
“Perfect.
What is? Was the remaining batch produced in just the time between those two sentences?
We are almost ready to ship these ones off to the factory
Not "ship you off"? Are certain of the clones overseers, in charge of the others?
to be sorted. Then my job will be done.”
Why do they need to be sorted? Surely the clones of a single pony are effectively identical, while keeping the clones of different ponies separate is a matter of simple herding (or just not prematurely opening the cages).
Twilight knew what these words meant, but she didn’t know what she was saying. “Shipment? Factory? Sorted?”
Did the other Twilights (minus the overseers) say the same thing, in unison?
What on earth was she talking about?
"Earth" is usually capitalized. (But at least you have the planet's name right, unlike some stories.)
She finally decided to ask her a question. She trotted over to the Twilight wearing the tiara
I guess she was able to reach her because she was the most recently produced clone, and therefore the closest. On the other hand, shouldn't the earliest clone have been the first one to gather her bearings and decide to ask the original what was going on, well before this latest clone thought of it?
and asked.
Sentence fragment; "asked" is a transitive verb.
Where are we? What are we doing here? Why don’t I have any memories.
No question mark for that last one?
What’s a shipment?
You said she knew what the word meant.
The Twilight in the tiara, (aka) the real Twilight
I'd say cut the bolded part and trust your readers to recognize the tiara's significance.
She focused her magic and before any of the clone ponies could do anything, they were thrown
All 3,600+ of them? With no injuries? That far outstrips her feat with the apples in Applebuck Season - that's reaching Doctor Manhattan levels of coordination.
Also: She threw the overseer clones in too? I thought they were supposed to help ship the others.
Also: Why didn't the other originals help her? Have they already left, leaving Twilight to sort out all the clones they made?
flank first into the cages.
"Sideways" seems like a less awkward term. Also, why sideways in particular?
sometimes you meat ponies run away
No reaction to being called "meat ponies"?
Now I’ll cast the memory spell on a few of you so you can be high enders.
How will she tell them apart afterward?
Also: Does this mean that the few with memories have to explain everything to all the others? I'd half expect the others to kill them in their anger at learning what's happening; but I guess by now the ponies in charge can predict the non-memoried clones' actions well enough to know that that won't happen. It would still be an interesting scene, but not necessarily important enough to stop the story for.
All of the memories came rushing back to Clone Twilight.
Or presumably, from a different perspective: "Twilight felt a jolt, as though she'd been teleported. She was still in the cave...but the Twilight in front of her was wearing her tiara!"
her time in Ponyville
Now that she's a clone being sold, I guess that time is just a memory. (At first I thought you were implying that the original Twilight had also left Ponyville, despite needing to come to the adjacent forest regularly to clone herself.)
and everything else that made Twilight, Twilight.
Extraneous comma, unless you're addressing the reader as "Twilight".
It all started about two years ago.
This whole flashback section should be in past perfect tense, if you're going to be framing it relative to the "present" like this.
Celestia and Twilight were in Canterlot staring into the portal they had opened just two nights before.
Could use a comma. Also, what were they doing during all the time since then?
Celestia had invited Twilight to investigate with her and Twilight was a little nervous about her first official mission with the princess.
Could also use a comma.
“Remember Twilight” said Celestia
Could use a couple of commas.
, “the Equestrian recession has gotten even worse
What does that mean? I know just enough about economics to know that if you think you understand something in economics, but aren't a trained economist yourself, you're probably wrong. Is your target audience economists? Are you?
ever since the Griffin Kingdom
Griffon, in MLP.
increased their tariff. If we want to make any improvement in our economy, we must secure new trade partners.
How would that affect Equestria's internal economy? Surely if anything, obstacles to external trade would incentivize internal production and trade. (Again, not an economist. Obligatory SMBC.)
Whatever creatures lie beyond this portal, we must be sure to make a good first impression.”
So after two nights and a day, they still don't know anything about what's on the other side? What if it opens into deep space? Isn't it a little risky to go through yourselves, rather than sending an expendable representative or one of your guards? (Yes, I know you could ask similar questions about Equestria Girls; but at least in that case they knew that Sunset had been through the mirror, and they were under more time pressure.)
“After you, Twilight.” said Celestia.
At least you have some vague vestige of a self-preservation instinct. (For now.)
Summoning circles and runes, although poorly drawn, scattered on the floor.
Were scattered, maybe? Also: the ponies know what they are? How do they work? They seem rather different from the magic we see on the show.
The smell of candles lit the air…
The smell lit the air?
As well as the smell of around 100 sweaty humans.
Again, that's a big room. It sounds more like a warehouse. And again, while I appreciate the dramatic buildup, how did Twilight notice the basic structure of the room and the marks on the floor before noticing the room's inhabitants? It's not that they're in the darkness beyond the candlelight, because you mention their colors in the next paragraph.
Also, had the humans just been standing there waiting for the past two nights and a day?
They beamed down on the two ponies
Were they on a raised level above them? Twilight's usually portrayed smaller than a human, but Celestia's usually portrayed as about the same height, if not taller.
as if they were pieces of meat.
Does one normally beam at meat?
“Hello,
Could use a period.
my name is Celestia and this is Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Could use another comma. Also: she gives Twilight's title and not her own?
We are here to--“
Thousand-year ruler of half a continent and she just lets them cut her off?
You also seem to have an opening quotation mark ("“") where there should be a closing one ("”"). (Personally, I just use the symmetrical quotation mark found on a standard keyboard ("""); I'm not really sure what the function of the fancy paired kind is.)
“Oh wow it really worked.” said one of the humans.
Punctuation needs fixing.
Also, what exactly is it that "worked"? Wasn't it the ponies who opened the portal? If it was the humans, does that mean that the portal just spontaneously appeared in the street? And the ponies' first reaction (after sitting around for two nights) was to walk through it in search of trade partners, rather than defend against what would have appeared to be a hostile attack? Or does the creation of a portal require the spell to be cast in two different universes at the same time?
“Sunbutt and Purple Smart are here!” cried another.
Captain Obvious on deck. More importantly, how do they know about them? As extradimensional creatures observed through dark magic, or as fictional characters? If the latter: which existed first, the "real" Equestria or the show? And given this world's depravity, what would their version of show be like?
“Wow they are sexier than I thought they’d be.”
Punctuation needs fixing.
yelled the third.
A third, unless they were explicitly ordered somehow.
“I want to cum on her.” said one particularly disgusting one.
“Excuse me?” said Celestia, mouth slightly agape.
How do you speak and gape at the same time? Also, gaping would be the opposite of my response to the possibility of unwanted cum flying.
“Dat, maw.” said another human
Punctuation needs fixing. Also, are they agreeing with the "particularly disgusting" one while addressing them as "maw"? Or are they implying that they'd like to be eaten by her? The latter would seem to put him in conflict with the ones who just want to eat her right away.
“Wait on eating her would you? I want to pound her royal ass.”
Punctuation needs fixing. Also: 100 people managed to cooperate in opening a portal to another world with the goal of raping and eating its inhabitants, yet they at no point worked out an agreement on distribution of spoils?
“Twilight looks good too.”
“Fuck yeah, purple smart has the best pussy.”
Punctuation needs fixing. Capitalization is inconsistent with previous "Purple Smart". Also, does this mean that this particular human is behind them, and that their view isn't blocked by the portal (or by Twilight's tail)? Or have they seen her pussy through their previous monitoring of her? Or are they just regurgitating fanon?
Twilight and Celestia exchanging glances
Lacks a conjugated verb.
and then took a step back out of that portal so quick that the humans didn’t even get the chance.
Twilight and Celestia was quiet
Were quiet, maybe?
for a bit before they broke down laughing over the ridiculousness of the situation.
Awkward sentence structure, seeming to put the emphasis on the quiet while treating the laughter as assumed. Also, I'd think that at best they'd only really be laughing in relief. Ponies in this world must have a serious case of hyperbolic discounting (or whatever the right term is).
“Dragons do claim that ponies are the tastiest creature in the land,” laughed Twilight.
Then, if you're going to sell clones, why not sell them to them? Aren't they rolling in valuables? Or is the recession so widespread that even dragons aren't spending? How does that work?
“They probably can’t get through the portal
What, the dragons?
since its designed for ponies
Do you mean "it's" ("it is")? How do you know so much about a portal that you just implied that the humans, not you, were the ones who opened? And why would humans design a portal to only allow ponies?
but we should close it just in case some unsuspecting pony walks in there.”
That's a strangely specific concern. Did the portal appear on a public street? Even if it did, couldn't they post guards? I'd think that they'd close it just because no good could come of it, and because they couldn't be sure that humans wouldn't find a way through after all (such as by turning themselves into ponies).
She got ready to cast a spell to seal the portal.
This implies again that the portal is being opened from the human side. Otherwise, you'd think that she could just dispel the original portal spell.
“Wait,” cried one of the voices from the other side of the portal.
The portal transmits sound? Then why didn't either side make vocal contact before the ponies stepped through? (Also, I wonder if sonic weaponry would be effective through portals.)
“We’ll pay boat loads of money just to have Twilight come back and suck our dicks.”
“How much money?” asked Celestia cautiously.
YOU FAIL NEGOTIATION FOREVER.
(She also fails leadership. Just how AU is this story? How has she survived a thousand years as a princess without even trying to hide her willingness to sell her own subjects at the drop of a hat?)
“As a Princess you must never give up a business deal until you know what the other side is offering.”
FLAWLESS LOGIC.
“We’ll pay you her weight in gold,” said one of the humans.
Given that they've already lied to try to lure them through the portal, the reasonable assumption would be that they're lying again.
(I was also going to say something about their not even knowing her weight; but I suppose they could estimate based on the assumption that she had similar weight to an Earth human-world mammal her size. Presumably she didn't leave cracks in the floor where she stepped, or anything like that.)
“That’s a lot of bits…” said Celestia calculating it in her head
Needs punctuation. Also, how will dumping more yellow rocks into some royal storeroom fix a recession (whatever that precisely is)?
“Too bad what they were asking for was insane, if only ponies were mass producible...
Comma splice, and missing closing quotation mark. Also, why did she ask if she'd already (rationally) decided that it was insane?
Twilight had a moment of genius.
I guess that's one word for it.
“Well, what if we sold these guys our mirror clones.
Question without question mark.
Its not like the mirror clones are real ponies.
Do you mean "it's"?
We could make so much money that the Equestrian economy would be booming again in no time.”
Not only does she assume that yellow rocks will fix the economy and that the humans are telling the truth about paying her weight in gold, even for a clone without memories, she further assumes that the humans are able and willing to pay the weight in gold of further ponies, up to whatever precise amount they've calculated is needed to fix the economy.
(After which point the ponies will presumably close the portal, shut down the meat business and fire everyone working there. That's how that works, right?)
She said.
Sentence fragment.
“But it makes good business sense…”
Where the pony hell did she go to business school?
Twilight and Celestia walked through the portal again.
When they'd just heard the humans talking about holding them down to stop their getting away?
“So, how would you guys like to have as many ponies as you want?” said Celestia.
YOU CONTINUE TO FAIL NEGOTIATION FOREVER.
Also, further assumption: the humans don't want more ponies than the mirror pool can produce. In the episode, it seemed to max out at around 30.
(Though it was weird then too; first the Pinkies were reproducing out of control, then they stopped and followed the original to Ponyville, but then at some point offscreen some apparently went back and copied themselves some more.)
Also, another assumption: the clones are edible, or the humans will let them have all the gold they need without taste-testing any of the clones first.
Even if the clones are edible, I'm curious what would happen if a pony cast the banishing spell after a clone had been digested.
The crowd of humans went nuts shouting about which pony they would want to do what with.
“I think we are in business Twilight.”
Underpunctuated.
After initial negotiations, Twilight found out that there was a show about her and her friends from Equestria in the human world.
And she wasn't at all concerned by this, or suspicious of how it had come about?
Oddly, the most popular ponies were her friends.
That's the odd part?
This meant explaining to them the plan.
Because Celestia and Twilight couldn't possibly set any limits or terms of their own on what they'd give the humans. Apparently that's not how ponies negotiate.
(Or maybe I'm being unfair; the story hasn't yet implied that they've already agreed to clone their friends before ever asking them.)
Twilight, of course, was ok with the idea.
Should be "okay".
people wanted fuck
Missing "to".
[Pinkie] didn’t even know it was going to be a clone.
Kek. I love this part, Flanderization or not.
Rarity took some convincing, but after explaining how many bits she would get for volunteering, she jumped at the chance.
Rarity took the time to explain her reasons for changing her mind before getting around to jumping?
Also: is this about fixing the economy, or just making bits for their friends?
Applejack being a hard working pony, understood that sometimes to make it by you needed to do a little dirty work.
Needs further punctuation. (Also: seems legit.)
Rainbow Dash was so proud that almost all the humans had ordered at least one Rainbow Dash.
I guess the humans really like pride (or hate it, since the proudest pony is the one they most want to kill). But weren't you talking about the process of convincing the ponies, not the humans?
Also: "Almost all the humans" in their entire world? Or are the 100 who were in that room the only ones who know about the portal? You'd think that part of the negotiations would include trying to get access to a wider customer base.
“Well of course they would want me.” She said “I am the best after all.”
Needs fixing of punctuation.
She joined immediately.
They sold Rainbow's meat before they got her agreement? And she wasn't bothered by this at all?
The only one resistant was Fluttershy.
Ironic, since she's usually thought of as the most self-effacing and self-sacrificing (as well as xenophilic) of the six. I guess she must see her clones as separate creatures from herself, and therefore worthy of sympathy; and sees the humans' desire for pony meat as evil and unworthy of sympathy.
“What if the clone doesn’t want to be a slave for some horrible human? Especially if some of them want to kill her.”
Actually most of them, if not all of them, but yes. (Though still ironic when she's usually seen as the least likely to label another creature, even a dragon, as "horrible".)
“Fluttershy, I already explained this. The mirror pool ponies are not real ponies at all.
Why should she care whether they're real ponies? Again, she's usually the most sympathetic to non-ponies. She only sided against the Pinkie clones because they were destroying the town and driving her animal friends out of their homes.
After they die their souls go back to the mirror where they came from.
Needs further punctuation.
Also: Have they tested this? I know we talk about Twilight "massacring" the Pinkies, but in the episode it was pretty clear that Twilight was using a banishing spell; something specifically designed to send them back to the mirror, rather than simply killing them and letting some automatic function take over.
Also, if the souls do go back to the mirror, that implies that it was designed to recover the souls it sent out; implying that it needs to; implying that it doesn't just create souls out of nothing as needed. So how many souls does it contain, and what happens when it runs out?
Also, can souls be detected and tracked? What if they can't find their way back through the portal, or if the portal closes?
Also, what are "souls"? Twilight's machine in Feeling Pinkie Keen seems built under the assumption that ponies' minds are in their brains, just like creatures' in our world. The clones in the show don't seem to have any memories of past lives, or anything of that sort. Do natural creatures have souls? What happens to them when they die?
Or is Twilight just lying? But she did apparently survive being incinerated in Magical Mystery Cure.
If anything at least they’ll be thankful for a chance to get out of the mirror pool.”
Lying bitch. And Fluttershy's inevitably going to find out the truth; but unfortunately "moral courage" doesn't seem to exist in this story.
“Well if you say so,” said Fluttershy, "I need the money to feed my animals anyway."
Even though she appears to own a substantial area of land, on the border of a thriving forest, and her closest friends include a successful farmer and a princess? What does she need that she can't gather, grow or convince her friends to provide? Just how many animals does she hold herself responsible for? Has she tried population control methods of any kind?
(I know she seems to have no concept of population control in canon; but she definitely has no concept of selling innocent clone-ponies as meat.)
A ton of other ponies in town
So, on the order of 20 (at 100 pounds each)?
volunteered to be cloned as well.
Just how many do they need? And how big is the demand in the human world?
Twilight was hesitant to let foals volunteer
Twilight was? What about their parents?
but was convinced
By who?
that as long as no harm directly fell on them and
Underpunctuated.
as long as the mirror pool where we cloned them
Who are you?
remained PG13, it would be fine.
The MPAA rating "PG-13" is hyphenated. That said, I know Equestria has movie theaters, but do they really have an exact copy of the MPAA? Presumably they at least have different rules about nudity.
And soon the Equestrian Meat Business was born.
Yet the story is titled "The Equestrian Pony Meat Business". That makes sense, since there would presumably already be some trade in meat, for carnivores like griffons and Fluttershy's animal friends. If anything, I would have expected to start out as the Pony Meat Business and later change their name when they branched out to selling other species.
Factories soon sprung up all over Equestria
Isn't there only one portal, and one mirror pool? Why ship clones across the county only to ship them back?
that sorted ponies into categories
What kind of categories? Aren't all of a pony's clones basically identical?
and got them ready for use.
The humans offered the ponies' weight in gold for them as-is. How much more gold do the ponies need? And how much more gold do the humans have?
***
The clones in cages began to panic, rattling against their confinements.
All of them, not just the ones who were just given memories?
Also: What are the unicorns doing? Does the pool not give them magic?
I'm not actually entirely sure that a Rainbow Dash couldn't propel a cage through the air from inside and escape that way.
“I’m the best flyer in Equestria! I can’t be used as pony meat,” one of the Dashes yelled out.
Technically, I'm pretty sure that all the other clones and the original are exactly as good as she is. More importantly, doesn't she have memories of this going on for two years since she first agreed to it? Why is she acting as though it's some new and shocking revelation?
The real Twilight used a silencing spell
Who's seeing her as the "real" one - the clone protagonist, or the same mysterious narrator who recently used the word "we"?
Clone Twilight was scared. Real scared.
"Real" as an adjective seems excessively colloquial for a general narrative voice.
There were three uses for the slave ponies.
1. Sex
2. Servants
3. Food
At least they're not selling them cheaply enough to be used as fuel. (Though I could see their being milked, bred, experimented on, employed in performing arts [maybe that counts as "servants"] and possibly used to produce fertilizer.)
There's also no reference to the "cuddling" mentioned in the description. That's not necessarily a trivial point, as it's the closest thing we've seen to humanity in these humans.
Twilight and the other slaves were loaded up into carts
You mean that their cages were loaded, rather than the individual ponies separately, right?
Who did the loading? Original Twilight working solo again? But don't carts need drivers? Where are they?
Her cage was hard and cold and every once and a while the cart would hit a bump
Could use more punctuation. Also, do you mean "every once in a while"?
and bruise her soft butt.
Since the narration is showing her perspective, is she thinking about the softness of her own butt? Also, you'd think they'd put padding or cushions in the cages.
She called out to the driver, “Hey you’re going to get in trouble if you bruise me too much. I’m a princess we’re worth twice a regular pony.”
Needs more punctuation. Also, who's this driver who's suddenly being mentioned? Presumably someone she knows, since she has the original Twilight's memories.
What happens to the economy when the working class suddenly has to compete with unlimited dirt-cheap slave labor for even the most skilled of work? No need to even feed the slaves; you can work them til they starve and clone new ones.
Also: was it a good diplomatic and business decision to cut the price for any pony not a princess? Why would the humans care about that? If they're like us, none of them wants Twilight specifically because she's a princess; they want her because she's Twilight. Very few people would rather have a Blueblood than a Big Macintosh.
The silence spell had worn off
Wouldn't Twilight want to keep it on for her own comfort, even assuming that the drivers are clones or working-class ponies whose comfort doesn't matter?
but none of the slaves were talking
Not even other Twilights making the same comment about bruises? Why not? Is this one the only one among all 451+ who has memories?
besides one of the Pinkie Pie clones, which kept repeating “fun”.
Again, why just one?
This continued till one of the Rainbow Dash had enough of it.
It seems like it'd make more sense to open the scene with the ponies realizing that the silence spell was wearing off.
Also: should that be "one of the Rainbow Dashes?
“Oh my Celestia will she ever shut up?”
Needs more punctuation.
Shouted Rainbow Dash.
What, the original?
“She’s a meat pony probably,” said Twilight.
Needs more punctuation. Also, given that they're in a caravan of thousands of clones, presumably sorted by type, how close are these particular two that they can talk to each other (while simultaneously being able to hear and be annoyed by the lone talking Pinkie)?
“Meat ponies or a cheap pony it looks like.
Needs more punctuation. Also, are those two separate grades? What's the difference? And aren't they all meat ponies, memories or not?
They are worth about a 1/8th of one with its memories intact,” said Twilight.
Do you mean "about an eighth of one" (or "about one eighth")?
the are normally just used for food.
Missing subject. (Also, the line that that quote is from currently opens with an unnecessary paragraph break.)
“Ohhhh, so we are one of the expensive ones,” said Rainbow Dash beaming.
Number mismatch ("we" versus "one"). Maybe she means that she and the ponies she's with are together one of the expensive sets; but if so, that could be clearer, and why would they be sold as a set?
Also, she sure came around fast.
“Well that’s a relief.” said one of the Rarity clones. “It would be such a waste to ruin this beautiful body on food.
Mispunctuated, including a missing closing quotation mark.
Also: ruin it on food?
“Don’t get your hopes up. Sometimes they keep you as a slave for a little while and then eat you when they’re done,” said Twilight.
How does she know so much about what happens on the other side?
“Get tired of me?
What's this in response to? It seems to be being said as though in response to someone talking about someone getting tired of the speaker; but all Twilight said was "when they're done".
I couldn’t imagine that darling,” said Rarity.
What, the original? Also, Rarity using "darling" in the third rather than the second person looks odd; has she ever done that in canon?
“Um, I kinda have to pee. Is there anywhere I could go?” said
Should probably be "asked".
Fluttershy.
What, the original?
“I don’t think they have places to pee built into the system Fluttershy,”
said Applejack,
Missing comma, extraneous line break, and a comma splice at the end.
Also, yet another reference to a pony's original. What are they all doing in a cage with a random clone of Twilight?
On that note: you described the cages as being sized to hold seven ponies. Who's the seventh; Celestia?
“Ya gonna
Does canon Applejack drop verbs like that?
have to hold it or just go on the floor.”
Why not through the bars? They've quadripeds; their urethras point backward, not downward. There'd be some drippage and spray, but that's better than directing the whole stream onto the floor.
Or do the cages have solid walls rather than just bars? That would make sense; to protect the drivers from bodily fluids and verbal abuse and to keep the prisoners cargo from freezing on cold nights. It would also explain why there seem to be only a few ponies present. But then how was Twilight able to address the driver?
Fluttershy nodded her head saying
Could use a comma.
that she understood and when about her business.
Sentence fragment. Also, it'd be nice to have quoted dialogue here, to match the rest of the scene.
“Fun, Fun, Fun.”
Extraneous capitalization, unless you replace the commas with periods (or exclamation marks).
“Well at least she’s having fun.”
Missing a comma; also, who's speaking?
The ponies sighed collectively.
All 5,400+ of them? Including the Pinkies?
It was going to be a long night.
I guess it makes sense that they'd do the cloning and shipping at night, to avoid disturbing the populace too much; that they'd build the factory close to or over the portal, to make it accessible to human inspection; and that it'd take at least a night to ship 700+ heavy cages up a steep mountainside, even if part of the journey is taken by train.
They were quiet for some time before they finally arrived at the factory.
The mystery pony's comment finally silenced the Pinkies?
The sounds of buzz saws cutting through pony flank and machinery in the air as it packaged pony meat.
Underpunctuated sentence fragment.
Also: does flank make a distinctive sound when cut, and/or was it flank and only flank being cut for some reason?
every day there'd be a chance that she'd either be fucked or die.
Technically, there's always a chance of those things. Also: just one or the other?
That's the end of the first chapter, so I'll quit here, at least pending a response.
(Last significant edit 2019/06/25.)
Holy hell I just realized you did this for me.
Thank you so much I'll put these changes into the fic right away. as soon as I get back to being in a place I can do this.
3905459
Out of curiosity, what kind of place?
4239023 Depression XD
4239607
...Pardon me if I don't express my hope for you to get back there soon, then.
Just noticed another thing: The description says that the story follows "Twilight clone 0301". Does that mean that fewer than that many clones have gone through the factory before the story opens; implying that this shipment of 451+ Twilights is much larger than any previous ones?
4241520 it's like the pizza waiting store. They cycle through numbers as they run out. There is no more than 1000, of each pony at the factory with some exceptions.
4241643
I'm not familiar with that store (?), but fair enough. It seems like a needless complication and limitation to me, but it's your story. (Though I'd suggest not referring to her as "clone 0301" as though it were a unique identifier.)
4242156 We'll come up with a nickname
4242244
"We"?
3905459
Meanwhile, I'm less interested in the basic punctuation fixes and such than in seeing answers to my questions (assuming that they can be answered without breaking the story's premise). Any chance of that?