Active, Passive, or Just Weak?

Invisible Ink

Sentence Sophistication: Active, Passive, or Just Weak?

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One of the roads to tight, streamlined prose is to minimise wording and always use the active voice. Today, I want to talk about a kind of writing that I see an awful lot of authors use, and I’m not just talking the newer ones, that I think needs the gentle caress of a little sophistication.

At some point, every author gets told to stick to the active voice. This isn’t an absolute – I can think of a few times I’ve intentionally used passive voice to evoke a feeling of disconnection and helplessness – but it serves to steer learners away from a few pitfalls they are likely to fall into otherwise. But is it actually just the divide between active and passive voice that is the key, here?

Passive voice is frowned upon because it’s usually unengaging. ‘Toby threw the ball’ is just easier to internalise than ‘the ball was thrown by Toby’ – it’s also two fewer words, which is a big deal if you want to raise your game from simply writing without errors to writing gripping prose. The human brain just doesn’t interpret an ACB formation as easily as an ABC one. At its most basic, that’s all there is to it.

However, I see a lot of sentences that replicate the wordiness of passive voice while still being in the active voice. As such, even some experienced editors don’t necessarily spot constructions that are much wordier than they need to be because there’s no ‘rule’ being broken to raise a red flag; it’s a matter of sophistication.

The clock sitting on the mantelpiece was gold-plated and recently polished.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with this sentence. Active voice, no gratuitously wasted words. Yet, it shares some traits with the passive construction, namely the word was, and can similarly carry a feel of being weak and generally washy. In many, if not most, cases, such a sentence can be rearranged to eliminate the extra word.

A gold-plated and recently polished clock sat on the mantelpiece.

One less word, slightly punchier presentation. Win–win, isn’t it?

Not exactly. There are times when the ostensibly sloppier construction is exactly what’s called for, just as there are times when passive voice is the right voice.

Grampa’s clock was battered and dull; the clock sitting on the mantelpiece was gold-plated and recently polished.

Here, I’ve used a simple repetition of construction to give the passage a more pleasing flourish and make good use of the original sentence. Can we apply the same logic to spruce up both sentences?

No. Let’s look at why.

The ‘was’ construction of these sentences draws attention to the description as an important factor. Hey look, here is a thing and this is what you need to know about it. Streamlined, the sentence loses that focus: Here is a thing. Not only that, but the noun ‘Grandpa’s clock’ simply can’t be replaced in the same way because there wouldn’t be a predicate remaining: ‘Grandpa’s battered and dull clock.’ It’s a fragment, so the ‘was’ construction is a necessary component to the whole.

Melding the description into the noun can produce a more focused, more readable, and generally more intense sentence, but its functionality must be evaluated by the sentence’s purpose. Sophistication, as I hope to present it in coming weeks, is about knowing how a sentence can be written to write a sentence multiple ways and choose which one best fits a story’s needs and why.

If the clock is just setting the scene, use the more concise sentence for added sharpness. This actively raises reader engagement while not drawing attention to itself – the very epitome of invisible ink. It may only be a tiny increase, but when every sentence is considered with this level of detail, the effects accumulate quickly. If the clock, and/or the exact description of the clock, is something you want the reader to take notice of, then use the looser sentence to this end. On one hand, it may ‘stick out’ slightly on its own, but if the style blends with the surrounding work, you can still achieve a thoroughly polished veneer. Similarly, you may opt to use the looser phrasing if your story is in a lull – a resting point after previous intensity – even though the clock is just decoration and unimportant. It’s a good way to give your reader a little wiggle room for pondering before bringing the intensity back up.

To summarise, try not to think in terms of ‘active voice good, passive voice bad’. Each has their purpose, and passive voice is appropriate in miniscule number of circumstances. Once you understand the difference, you can start to analyse active wording for the same kind of weaknesses and start eliminating poor phrasing choices there, too. It’s not enough to merely follow a rule: you want to know what that rule exists and why it’s working for you.

-Scott ‘Inquisitor’ Mence

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So, starting with small, very specific things for now. I'll come up with more of these as and when I find things to make a commentary on, and I'm lining up two larger projects to get some kind of rhythm going: a full article on point of view, including narrative distance, and a detailed breakdown of the book that first taught me that Invisible Ink was a worthy proposition, Dixie City Jam, by James Lee Burke.

More I, Paladin later this week, where Splashdown, the boss of the newly-formed Paladins, is politely summed to Celestia's study.

Until then, Bruces!

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

This is quite helpful and well-said. :O

[Inquisitor M]

3431777 No need to look quite so surprised...

[PresentPerfect]

3431789
8O

[Southpaw]

Thanks for this. It's a good confirmation of what I try to accomplish when writing. It's too easy to slip into passive voice when you're not paying attention...

[Inquisitor M]

3431996 I have a little more to say on this tomorrow, via a tangential topic: back-filling.

Stay tuned :)

[wYvern]

Great article, mcuh appreciated!

[Catalysts Cradle]

Here's a take on the passive voice that I find particularly compelling:

[The passive voice is] the device that enables us to put ourselves in the place of the people who wind up as the direct objects in history. The done-to rather than the doers. You think of all the nouns we derive from the passive forms of verbs, the abused, the oppressed, the persecuted, the dispossessed. And the passive voice is particularly useful to have around in a time when people are being laid off, tossed out of their homes, dropped from their medical plans and generally worked over.

There is a familiar cadence to those strings of passives. Its the syntax Orwell used when he talked about history's victims—defenseless villages are bombarded from the air, the inhabitants driven out into the countryside, the cattle machine-gunned, the huts set on fire with incendiary bullets

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103709904

[Dconstructed Reconstruct]

Very insightful, well explained, and non-negative when it comes to describing passive vs. active. This is a great post, and a great way to start this series on mechanics.

Looking forward to seeing what comes next.