Review: Actually, I'm Dead · 12:49pm Jul 6th, 2015
I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story you'd like me to review, leave me a comment either on my user page, or through the private messaging service.
Actually, I'm Dead is tagged:
Sad, Dark, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
It features the character tags:
Trixie, Mane Six
Actually, I'm Dead was written by Wave Blaster; from chapter two onwards, it has been co-written by nightwalker. Actually, I'm Dead can be found here. At the time of review, the story is incomplete, with six chapters posted. Full story spoilers below the cut.
Trixie awakens within Ponyville General hospital after removing the Alicorn Amulet... but she has changed. Her coat and mane have changed color; the amulet itself is scarred into her skin. Her body has wasted away, almosta s if she were a corpse... which she might very well be. When Trixie wore the Amulet, it claimed her for it's own, replacing her heart; removing the amulet will kill her. With no other choice, Celestia fixes a retraining ring to her horn, preventing Trixie for performing any of the magic that the amulet would use to corrupt her.
With no other options left, Trixie joins Twilight in Ponyville, trying to start a new life while being haunted by what has happened to her old one... and though Twilight and Celestia swear to find a way to fix what has happened, might Celestia know more about the amulet than anypony knows...?
My description of the story doesn't really do it justice, so I'd recommend that anyone intrigued by the above check out the story itself. The concept is a fairly simple one -what if the Alicorn Amulet did more than it seemed to- but it's an effective one. The Alicorn Amulet is one of those artifacts that we don't know anything about in canon, making it perfect grist for fan fiction. Normally, a story with a Dark tag means you can expect horrible things to happen, and for the pastel serenity of the setting to be mercilessly cut down for a grimdark hellhole; however, while there is darkness in this story- most obviously in Trixie's lich-like existance, and an Interlude that reads lifted straight out of the Exorcist- the Dark tag is used sparingly, and effectively, here.
The writing, it must be said, starts a little... choppy. For example:
Twilight has grown to hate hospitals.
No, that wasn't fair. She didn't hate hospitals. She always found comforting the idea of having a place where the ill and injured could find aid. In that sense, Twilight loved hospitals. What she really hated was the reasons of being in a hospital. And right now, she and her friends were in the waiting room of Ponyville's Hospital for a very grim reason.
It might just be my own disinterest with the present tense- but the transition between paragraphs feels a little uncomfortable to me. It creates an effective opener- but it felt a little off to me. Similarly, there are also a few sentences which seem incomplete, or which need a bit of an editorial sweep over:
The clock was about to mark the fourth hour when the doors opened. Both, Nurse Redheart and Dr. Stable walked together to them.
There are also a number of flourishes which, while they might be effective in a visual medium, don't translate particularly well into a written one, namely the flashbacks. The interlude chapter was done well; as mentioned above, it does a great job of depicting a scene I'd expect from a horror movie, with my only complaint being that I found it a little head scratching that neither Doctor Stable or Nurse Redheart mentioned it to mane six... not to mention the Mane Six apparently not realising it had even happened.
However, in other places, it isn't quite as effective: when Dash is explaining the reasoning for her racist outburst, for instance, it brekas up the flow of the story a little. Similarly, the first chapter has this scene:
"Sss... Sparkle?" Trixie softly called for her. "Why is... whys is so... c-cold?" She was getting pale, very pale. The azure of her coat was quickly leaving and being replaced by a very light blue. "Wha... what's happening to me?" Fear was clear in her voice and her eyes only showed fright.
"I-I don't-- I don't know." Twilight was panicking. True to her words, Trixie was already cold. "Help! Somepony help!" She called desperately.
"Sparkle, my enemy," Trixie continued. "Don-- Do not-- forget--Trixie..." she rode that last 'e' with her last breath. Both air and life escaping from her body.
I can appreciate the present tense being used in the flashback scenes; it does a good job of conveying the immediacy of them, and creating the illusion that we have been transported back. In the Trixie example, it helps to show just how badly things have spiraled, and make us sympathetic with her... but I feel as if the dialogue is a little... over dramatic
Then again, we are talking about Trixie, so that might be a very valid point of characterization.
Besides this, however, the writing is, at worst, fine. It's a very functional prose; while there are occasionally lines which I feel could be rewritten or made "punchier", there's nothing bad about it. The only point which might stand out a little is that it can seem a a little dry, particularly during the "Ponyville arc"... however, I feel like that is intentional. By that point of the story, Trixie has become the main character and, while she resolves to not fall into depression, she is somewhat listless, and the narration reflects that.
It certainly isn't a problem with Wave Blaster or nightwalker's writing styles, since (even ignoring the emotive exorcism scene), they can create good imagery; the descriptions of Trixie's physical appearance after her encounter with the amulet -particularly her branch-like foreleg, and hair like a spider-web- are particularly memorable, as is the description of the grease-like ichor which has replaced her blood and organs. Similarly, whenever a different character is the PoV -particularly Rarity following Trixie's visit- or Trixie begins storytelling, there is a spark of enthusiasm and creativity which wasn't there before.
If ther is a problem with the writing style, it might be that some features can appear to be used inconsistently. The flashbacks appeared in the first chapter, then were dropped until the interlude, then not used again until the Rainbow moment. The first chapter ends with a sequence that appears to told told in (Trixie's version of) the first person, but the majority of the story is told in the third person. The most recent chapter has been posted piecemeal, detailing each individual meeting of Trixie and the mane six, and concluding with a chapter told out of order.
These might be somewhat jarring for readers who expect a more traditional and consistent writing style, but personally, I didn't mind overly much; while I do think the elements might need to be spaced out a little more (or given more reason to be experimental for the sake of experimenting) so as to better service the story.
Saying that, however, I do admit to liking the first chapter's ending much more in hindsight. At the time, I felt like it was a little forced with how many "Trixie's" were involved; after all, Trixie does use pronouns on occassion. However, it creates an effective contrast with the opening of the next chapter; after her incessant "Trixie!" comments, the narrator looks in a mirror and ask's who she is... and the next chapter changes the pronoun to "the once-Trixie". It's an effective method of highlighting just how changed Trixie has been since the incident, even before we get to her physical differences... and, as well as servicing the story, it helps highlight one of the main themes.
Identity is a theme that kind of get's associated with Trixie a lot, considering her personality; in the show, she is constantly carving out an identity for herself by refering to herself in the third person, and by presenting herself as "Great and Powerful"; even her stint as the "all-powerful" Trixie with the alicorn amulet can be seen as her trying to carve out an identity, by besting Twilight Sparkle or, at least, by being her nemesis. There's also significant fan fiction dealing with the theme, such as Alex Warworln's PoV series, which posits Trixie as the "middle child" trying to stand out.
While Wave Blaster and nightwalker draw on this work -her stint in 'Neigh Orleans' reminds me of the Lunaverses background for Trixie- they add their own element to the mix. In Actually, I'm Dead, Trixie is Roani, the equestrian equivalent of Romani.
It's a development that I can see as very plausible for the character, one which certainly add's pathos to her background and claims that she has been "laughed at and ostracized". More than that, however, it add's another layer to explain why Trixie is the way she is; in one of my favourite lines of the whole story, when faced with depression, Trixie decides:
"I am roani! We do not lie down for anypony!"
Later, when Rainbow Dash has thrown a number of (uncomfortably real-world) slurs at Trixie for her heritage, Rainbow admits that she did it because she learned that one thing you do not do is insult roani of their culture. It's great to see a character drawing strength and inspiration from their background and heritage; in fact, as much as I enjoy the Seven Masters -and their cameo guessing game- I would love to see more focus on this side of Trixie's character and background; while Rainbow is ultimately faking her disdain for Roani, it is an element which would cause distrust amongst people, and I would like to see more of that examined... particularly since, now that Trixie is wraithlike and skulking around town, she might be seen to fit some of the evil stereotypes Rainbow accused her of.
(And incidently, I felt it was a nice touch on the writer's parts comparing Trixie to Zecora; there is the obvious face that they both wear concealing cloaks, but it also hints at similar feared-to-friend arcs both have, and underlines a subtle point about racism of 'the Other'- Roani in Trixie's case, Zebra's in Zecora's.)
This feeds in somewhat to the second main theme of the story- agency. While Trixie draws strength from her heritage, and resolves not to fall into the abyss of depression, the story doesn't present it as an easy journey, but as one with a lot of set-backs and stumbling reminders, both of why Trixie is depressed in the first place and of her resolution to not fall into it. As someone who has gone through a period similar to that - though, as a warning to readers, not to the same extent nor even clinical depression- that part rang true to me.
While Trixie draws strength from her culture - both by calling upon it to resolve to fight back in the hospital room and when confronted by Rainbow's slurs- the fiction also has moments where the consequences of agency are shown, and scenes where it is taken away... both involving the Alicorn Amulet.
In most Trixie redemption stories, we see why Trixie acted the way she did, though external forces -like the Amulet- are used to explain away the worst of her excesses. To an extent, that's true here; there was a corrupting influence at work. However, more than anything, the fact that Trixie chose to use the Amulet is stressed; when she put it on, she made the concious choice to accept it's power. In fact, we see the moment where she accepts it in another effective flashback; she is repeatedly given the option of throwing it away, or turning away from it's promises... and she, willfully and knowingly (at least of it's malign aspects), decides to keep it. It replaces her heart, literally and metaphorically. Trixie is more of a villain than she usually is in this type of fiction, a fact which makes what happens to her even more tragic (because she brought it on herself) and her remorse, and refusal to accept that she isn't responsible, more poignant.
And, while Trixie's embracing of her culture gives her the strength to fight on despite what has happened to her, we get a glimpse at what the Amulet wants- it attempts to claim her, body and soul. Even when that attempt is repulsed by Celestia, the Amulet hasn't been defeated; it has been forestalled. It has still tied itself to Trixie's body; it has robbed her of the chance to do the thing that gave her life meaning and purpose, because performing magic will mean it can control her. On the one hand, we have Trixie drawing on her inner strength to pull herself out of the pit; on the other, we have the Amulet, constantly threatening to drag her down and subjugate her to it's will. The scene when it manages to do just that, temporarily seizing control of Trixie's body in the hospital and making her fight Celestia is terrifying.
The characters are well-drawn, at least for the most part. Trixie and twilight gain the most from it of course, being the main point of views for the story; the story pulls the old fandom trick of explicitly comparing the two, either by inverse life experiences (Twilight's single master compared to Trixie's Seven) or by parrallel events (the order Trixie meets the mane six in Ponyville is the same order Twilight met them in the pilot).
Rarity get's a surprisingly well-developed role in later chapters, one which directly addresses her problematic (and shallow) fainting spell in the beginning. In fact, Rarity's insight to Trixie, and her notes on her costume, were one of my favorite parts of the whole thing.
There have been some concerns in the comments with regards Applejack's treatment of Trixie in a recent chapter; similarly, I do have some concerns about Rainbow using real-life slurs and stereotypes to "force" Trixie into action. However, the former does come around and admit to being wrong in her actions at the dinner table, while Wave Blaster's notes make it clear that the only reason why Rainbow's taunts worked was because it's Trixie, and her and Rainbow have similar personalities (an insight which is interesting in itself). Even so, those portrayals may/ be uncomfortable for fans of the characters... though I don't feel that any of the characters have been singled out as "villains" to make Trixie's redemption more plausible, which is something I appreciate. The "Ron the Deatheater" trope is something this fandom could use less of.
Is it a perfect story? No. As I say, at times the sentences don't flow "quite right" to my ears. However, on the whole, I do think is a very effective story, one which I'm definitely adding to my library and keeping a track on.
Okay, I think my face got perma-frozen in a "F*ck Yeah!" expression.
Not that I'm complaining.
Well, I have to thank you very much for the review! It's certainly one of the more in depth ones I've received for a story I've worked on. I'm quite glad to see that some of my specific contributions were amongst your most memorable parts.
One thing I would like to address -- and I'm not sure if you're aware -- is that Wave is Chilean, so English is his second language. That's where a lot of the odd phrasing issues you pointed out come from. I'm Canadian (yay, powers of the internet and free, real-time global communications) so part of what I do with the story is fix such things. Alas, I'm not perfect at my job.
Again though, thank you very much for this review! It's always wonderful to know that effort is not going to waste and all the hours we've put into things are appreciated. We'll certainly keep in mind what's been said here. As to the exploration of her roani heritage, that is something that I'd like as well. It'll likely happen a bit latter in this arc, once she has finally settled in (well, as much as she's capable of) or during the Neigh Orleans arc afterwards.