[Rant] Having a bit of a hard time . . . · 3:12am May 31st, 2015
I don't normally post personal blogs, but I need to get this out there as I think it'll help me deal with . . . stuff. Sorry it's a bit of a rant.
Now, as I'm sure you've noticed, I'm online a LOT. Generally it's spent writing on gdocs, but I lurk here and on deviantart quite a bit. I hat the thought of being some kind of hobo internet dweller, but the situation I'm in has me stressed to the point where that's all I'm comfortable doing.
When I write this out, it seems like a really petty complaint, but it's been a pretty big deal to me as of late.
Currently I'm staying at home and studying at college. After four years in college, I'm finally going to be a graduating senior-plus in December. I can't wait to get out and start work, I even have a little job this summer that relates directly to the industry I'm going into. Now, I a major from the Agriculture department for a very good reason. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say I HATE cities. I absolutely despise just about every aspect of living in cities and suburbs in general. This stems from having grown up in the city/suburbs my whole life and growing more and more discontent with it with each passing year.
Well, it's really started to come to a breaking point when we moved to this particular city two years ago. It's industry heavy with the worst road designs you could think of. There's always a crap ton of semis, cars, trains, and traffic is a nearly constant presence despite the relatively small size of the city. The only really good walking trails we have are a thirty minutes drive away at the very least. I live in a somewhat sketchy subdivision and there's no real place I can go that I feel safe going by myself (other than campus).
Now, despite my recent obsession with the internet, I'm actually an outdoors kind of girl. My favorite activity in all the world is trail riding on horseback. I've never owned a horse in my life, but one of my goal's I've had for years and years is to own my horse. In my old city, I satisfied my craving by volunteering a lot at a local barn that was five minutes away from my house. I worked their so long that I ended up being trusted with a ton of stuff and pretty much allowed to come and ride whenever I wanted. I loved the people there, especially the manager who's just about the sweetest lady you could want to work for. She'd treat me to trail rides (which is a huge deal as that required trailering the horses some 40 minutes away) and help me with whatever I wanted to learn, be it bareback, western, english, or driving.
Well, we moved to this new city and I have NONE of that. The nearest barn I can volunteer at is a 20-25 minute drive just getting there. It may not seem like too terribly long, but I really hate driving. I get car sick easy and my mood always sours after I drive for any length of time. So, a forty minute round trip to volunteer for a few hours isn't worth it most of the time. I really don't like this stable all that much and the management is crap, so I haven't been out in weeks. I really dislike volunteering for people who are themselves irregular. This manager's so bad that I can never even find the freakin' equipment to use for cleaning stalls. She says I'm free to ride this one horse, but I always feel uncomfortable there. I'm not into showing and that's all anyone there does. I'm a simple girl with simple needs. All I want to do, ALL I want to do is ride in the great outdoors not in some stupid arena. I'd lease a horse, but I can't afford that right now, and it would probably be just as far of a drive.
Well, horses aside, the other activity I love doing is hiking. I can't get enough of it, especially when there's a lot of trees, hills, and no paved paths. We have absolutely no hiking trails near us. Like I said, the nearest significant walking trail is like a 30 minute drive through what feels like a million traffic lights and dealing with the constant stream of semis and angry drivers. Needless to say, driving around here stresses me out. Then, if I do decide to go walking, I need to take one of the dogs. Well, I love my Shetland Sheepdog, but he's not intimidating enough to be much of a guard dog if I do meet someone sketchy. Twenty-two year old woman walking alone in a tree lined path is kind of asking for trouble. So, if I go anywhere I have to take our Australian Shepherd or both of the dogs. Walking that child is crazy difficult. He pulls constantly, barks incessantly, and is all around hell on wheels. BUT, he is intimidating, I'll give him that (provided he doesn't flop on his back like a ragdoll XD).
So, my biggest problem lately has been that I pretty much no way of doing the two things that make me happy the most. I can't ride, I can't hike, all the friends I've made on campus are gone for the summer so I don't have them to hang out with. I've never felt so trapped.
All this has aggravated my depression. This tends to make me moody, paranoid, and above all exhausted. Then I'm worried the stress is causing some kind of issue with my heart. I've never had stress problems before, not while I could ride and work with the horses that is. I know this is linked to my living in this city, because every time I leave and go to the country I'm fine. In fact, I'm happy, energetic, and I don't even think about being tired. But I've still got the rest of the year at least.
I don't know what to do anymore. 
It's just getting worse and I'm starting to wonder if I can make it till December. It's not like I have a bad family life. On the contrary, I love spending time with my parents and brother, probably a little too much as it makes me lurk at home even more. All my motivation is fluttering away and it's sooo frustrating.
I guess I'd like some advice. I'm at the end of my rope right now and I'm so afraid I'll slip into full on sloth mode any day now.
Thanks for listening and sorry about being so whiny,
— Bluegrass
Well I dont have anything to help you but might I subjects you find another hobby one that would keep you busy most of my advise lies in using music to help people write and get pass writer's block with certain types for music
I am sorry about your situation. I don't like cities either.
3111098 We have liturgy in church, but we don't have a set liturgy of the hours. We do have a morning and evening prayer in the catechism. I'll try that out. If not, I should look for a fellowship. It does get a little lonely without my usual campus Christian group to attend.
3111136 Home alter? Hmmm. Don't have one. Is it like a spot you do your Bible studies/prayers at? If so, I should probably make one.
The only thing I can suggest is putting up with a rather long commute to the city and back. Unless you can land a job related to your major out in the country, then you might have no other choice. At least you'd be able to live in the country rather than the bleak, utilitarian grey void of urbanity.
And don't worry. You're not alone, pumpkin. Nobody likes living in cities. Visiting? That's fine. But living in a city is soul-crushing. The statistics on depression in all the major, American cities is obscene. Worst comes to worst, just stay in the country and keep in contact with your friends. No matter what. No job opportunity will ever be worth losing what you have. If the entire purpose of pursuing a career is to feel fulfilled, financially independent, and happy, then you'd be engaging in a futile cycle of defeatism. You know all those stories about a small town girl with big dreams in a big city pursuing an acting career or what-have-you? They all end the same way. She always regrets giving up what she had. A career and an education are utterly worthless to you, if they fail to enrich your life.
I'm not saying either are bad thing. Far from it. But people nowadays have become obsessed with chasing things for the sake of chasing things, forgetting even the initial reason they wanted them in the first place. These things are a means to an end. Not an end unto themselves.
That sounds really rough. I hate living in cities too, somehow it doesn't feel like you can really stretch out in them. Good advice on hobbies like music and getting more involved with your church group. Have you considered trying meditation? I've heard it does wonders for stress.
Would it be feasible to plan a few trips out to the country? Like, multi-day things that would make it worth battling the traffic. Or maybe even just weekend trips, since you're working.
Maybe they'd give you a chance to recharge. And if you plan them at regular intervals, they'd give you something to look forward to.
*hugs* Is it feasible to go on a weekend trip once a month to some remote-ish area that has hiking trails? Two days of you and nature? I've only ever had mild depression (which is bad enough) so I can't offer more advice than that because, even though you don't like driving, it would be worth it to get away for a day or two. I like open spaces myself so I can imagine a bit of what you are talking about.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I will think non-stop until I find you a solution.
3111314 Yeah, I guess so. I want to set up a trail ride trip with my mom sometime soon. Good point with the regular intervals, that would actually help a lot.
3111521 Yeah, I guess I should plan more trips like that. The hard part's finding anyone to go with me. But, I'll try.
3111554 Thanks. ^^