"What Treasures"--Coda · 2:14am Mar 24th, 2015
I've gotten a passel of great comments on my premier story--lots of lovely compliments and several thoughtful critiques. But the loveliest and the thoughtfullest was an entire Shakespearian sonnet by one SongCoyote:
The shine of stones is rich with sweet allure
The structure, full of secrets, pulls my mind
Toward that which I once felt was so sure
But bitter sweetness now is all I find
Yet how can I begrudge what you have found
When all I wish is for your happiness
I may not be the one you want around
For to my dreams you'll never acquiesce
But know this: I will always hold you dear
And count you first among my pony friends
The love I have's no longer fueled by fear
But rather, sweet acceptance in the end
In treasure's lust, I nearly lost my way
But now I know your love I'll not betray
(Got the "turn" just right, there at line nine--did y'see that?)
I think it makes a lovely coda to the story-- a coda being, originally, a short motif or other bit of music appended to a longer work which summarizes the longer work's themes. It can also be, as here, a bit of verse appended to a prose work, fulfilling the same purpose.
The name is Italian and means (appropriately enough) "tail." 
Oh my... I am flattered and pleased that my creation - which was possible only because of yours - touched you so much. Thank you very kindly for taking the time to re-post it here, and for your words of appreciation.
Be well and happy, and may our Muses continue to feed us well, however and wherever we find Their trails.
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2904186
Now I'm imagining our Muses dropping trails of breadcrumbs--or better still, almond roca!
2904233
Hee hee! Now that's a trail I would follow!
Here's to fat, happy muses and every morsel of sweetness they drop into our minds!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2905979
Mmmmm... Almond Roca...
And a nice sonnet, too. But because I'm almost entirely unable to remove my "editor's hat" at this point in my life, I can't help getting a little itchy about that third line. The only way I can get it to scan is to pronounce "toward" as a two-syllable word, something which I don't normally do. And even if I do force myself to give it two syllables, the meter's still a little wonky with "felt" falling in an unstressed part of the iamb and "was" falling in the stressed part. Might I suggest "To that which I once felt was so secure" as an alternative?
Mike, Frantically but Unsuccessfully Clawing at his Editor's Hat as Usual
2910256
Yeah that threw me a little at first until I started pronouncing "toward" as two syllables--which I think they still do, in certain parts of the English-speaking world.
But I just recently found out about OP (Original Pronunciation, as in Shakespeare), and I swear Ima write a sonnet that doesn't rhyme or scan unless you pronounce "--ion" as two syllables, "ee-on."
(I wrote a big long blogpost about OP and Lunaspeak, aways back...)
2910256
I'm glad you like it, odd bits and all!
I'm just going to go with TheJediMasterEd's take on "Toward", since I pronounce it both ways and have no problem with that bit of fudge. However, in between that and your suggestion for the line I kind of like:
Toward that which I once felt was was so secure
Though frankly, considering how ill I was when I wrote that off-the-cuff, unedited and un-proofread sonnet, I think I did pretty well
I usually spend a bit more time on re-writes, but I practically fell back into bed about half an hour after writing that and slept for several hours in the middle of the afternoon. Such is life!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2910359
2910490
I get way too paranoid:
About pronunciation when I'm writing poetry. I mean, is "fire" one syllable or two? How 'bout "hire"? Or even "higher" for that matter?
That's when I usually chuck the whole thing and start one about low-lying ponds...
Mike Again
2911065
) and I'm an experiential poet. All the poetic styles I've learned and experimented with have been from a quick read of a Wikipedia or other article - and not incidentally, thank you for those links in your poetry story! I'll be trying some of those.
Hee! I think part of that little gap between our approaches might stem from the fact that you're all edumacated (and I'm leaving that in just in hopes of a little wince from you
Perhaps it's my many (and I do mean many) years working and playing at Renaissance Faires that makes Shakespearean sonnets spill from me so readily. I do write ballads and parodies of songs, too, and a half-decent sestina once, but right now sonnets are my chosen expression filter, though I'm not entirely certain how that choice was made.
Thank you for all the interesting and insightful exchanges we've had across FimFiction. I look forward to more!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2912449
Kipling used to say:
That he could write "fourteeners" as easily as breathing, but I tend to be more of a "stew over it" poet. Heck, I didn't even really get interested in English-language poety till I was studying Latin and ancient Greek poetry at university. So, yeah. Academic guy is me, all righty!
Mike
2910359
Well, you can't pronounce it with 3... and you can't pronounce it with 1. I don't get it.
2910256 I can't hear it that way. To me, every syllable in that line is stressed but the first, which must be deliberate. I like the every-syllable-stressed effect (done sparingly).
What does 2910490 say?
Interesting point about "fire". It has 2 syllables, yet is treated as 1 in poetry.
2914866
I've always pronounced:
"Toward" monosyllabically--"t'ward" I guess would be a way of writing it. Maybe it's a west coast thing. Except that, of the three pronunciations listed in my Random House College Dictionary, only one has two syllables. That dictionary also lists "fire" as a single syllable word, now that I look it up.
Which is why I tend to avoid using those words at all when writing poetry, y'see...
Mike
2915101
!" My tendency to be a stickler for grammar doesn't necessarily extend to my songs and poetry, though I do still prefer to use "correct" (ha! according to whom?) English even there.
2914866
Well, as I've said elsewhere, I'm an experiential poet, not a technically trained one, so my approach tends to be "if it works in my head, then
I see "toward" as either one or two syllables, though in my head (and ergo dialect) more commonly two. This is supported by my own dictionary research. As for fire, I've always seen it as one syllable, and though it's certainly easy to stretch to two for a song, in poetry I'd generally use it as one.
As for the specific line we've been discussing, when I read it, the syllables in bold are stressed:
Toward that which I once felt was so sure
...but not especially strongly, and with a slight extra emphasis on 'ward', 'once', and 'sure'. From my tongue it rolls fairly naturally, and as I read it aloud to myself, each line has its own stresses and cadence (insert cloned alicorn of love joke here). Then the last two lines made me choke up a bit, but that's normal for me in any piece of poetry that strikes me - even, when I am fortunate, my own.
Thank you both for a most excellent and thought-provoking conversation!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
2916423 I read it as
Toward that which I once felt was so sure
... and I like it better that way!
2916994
I can totally see that, and really, it's pretty close to how it rolls for me, too. The emphases are quite subtle.
But then, I have a California flat accent, with little lilt or similar in it unless I affect one... which I do for fun; it seems to put extra light in guys' eyes ;) I'm so exotic, you know!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote