A World Without Kindness - Over Analysis

First, before I start, I'd like to thank all the people who've commented on or favorited A World Without Kindness. This story was something quite special to me, and I'm amazed by both the fact it won the More Most Dangerous Game contest, and that so many people liked and enjoyed it. Writing is one of the loneliest hobbies, as I'm sure many of you know, and there's nothing better than seeing so many people reading and loving my work. For all of those of you who haven’t tried any of my other stories, why not give The Humans in Equestria Club a shot, it's just reaching its dramatic conclusion, so there's no better time to dive in.

Anyway, shameless self promotion aside, I wanted to do a little post analysis of A World Without Kindness. Usually I don't do these until a long time after the story is finished and posted, but there's been some comments and critiques that I'd like to give an airing, and, as this is now by far my most popular story, this should probably be done sooner rather than later. So, let’s get stuck in.

What I Liked

1) Hit the story goals. Overall, I think I managed my slated aim of writing a miniature Fallout: Equestria. Sure, I have nothing on the scale and scope, but for 15k I think AWWK (which is a terrible acronym, lets never use it again) hit the major points of a wasteland story. The degradation, the loss of innocence and the steady erosion of morals and virtues were all there in spades, and the overall effect appears to be have been strong and very much enjoyed by the reader. The story succeeded in being as dark as the inspiration, but without having to resort to any Fo:E cribs to carry it through.

2) The setting. Fun fact, this idea of eternal twilight was stolen from myself, my first story was supposed to be six mares travelling across a twilight Equestria trying to find the EoH. In the end the idea never flew, but a lot of the setting elements ended up in A World Without Kindness, including the momentary rejection of the Elements. Either way, the idea of a world slowly dying to the cold, not anything more dramatic, seemed to come across well, and may well have stood out against the many utterly destroyed worlds this story competed with in the contest.

3) Characters, specifically Fluttershy. It's really easy as a writer to drift away from the canon characterisation, let alone the innumerable fanon ideas of a character, and I knew I was taking an alienating risk with my opening. Ultimately I received no complaints about this, though possibly some of those dislikes are there because people couldn't accept this Fluttershy. Fluttershy's characterisation has always had strong overtones of a quiet soul, kind and lacking in confidence, and in the show she only fights when backed into the corner, and even then her responses tend to be cowardly, so building her assassin character around this cowardice worked really well. The rest of the cast followed the same line, building on their failures and, with the possible exception of Twilight, there were no serious OOC moments, in my opinion.

What I Didn't Like

1) Length. Oh god, the length. So I write in two thousand word scenes for the most part, and this story was supposed to have six, topping out at 12k. It ended up at seven with 15k and change, and honestly could have been longer if I'd let it. In many ways I think keeping it tight helped, but a lot happened off screen purely because there wasn't enough room. A number of the Element virtues were cut off or left to be inferred for this reason and I think this detracted from the ending. Part of the reason I added the epilogue was because Twilight had had no actual time taking to the audience in the entire story, and even then it’s a paltry amount compared to the rest of the cast.

2) Spelling and grammar, though to be fair I dislike my spelling and grammar in almost every story. Full disclosure, I am dyslexic, which means that the fine details tend to blur into a nebulous stew of what I meant to write, and so this is always the hardest part for me. I had two or three really good proofreaders who tore into the story to get it to where it was, but even then more than a few issues crept through. Overall, there was only a spattering of serious howlers, but enough minor problems that I still feel it could have been better. I really need to take a proofreading course at some point when I'm less busy.

3) Attribution and saidisms. One of those things which, when you aren't looking for them just blend into the background, and when you are each one sears your eyes like the light of a thousand suns. Annoyingly, I've only really picked up on these in the last month, so yeah, these are a problem, but one that I want to clip my past self around the ear about, rather than a deal breaker for the story.

The Response

So overwhelmingly the response was positive, as you can probably guess from winning the contest . Actually, it goes beyond that as I've spotted A World Without Kindness on a few top five and best of the best lists, which is extremely flattering. It seems that the story has a bit of a Marmite effect, people either really, really like it, or seem to think it's not very good at all. There have been just a smattering of 'good, but...' comments, and again, they seem to focus on Twilight.

It's pretty hard to judge why people like a story, hell it's pretty hard to judge why I like a story, let alone infer anything from a short comment. On aggregate, the story seemed to click with a lot of people, I think because ultimately it's a very simple plot with a structure that everyone is familiar with, this is Season 1, Episode 2 all over again, as we've all read a dozen times; I make no claims to greater creativity than that. I set out to tell the story of six mares, trying in their own way to save the world, how they are tested, nearly fail, but win through in the end. There are some new twists on the way, but it's the story that we all know and love and those who love that story really enjoyed it.

However, I think this story's greatest strength was also its greatest weakness, the people who were thrown out of the story by construction errors notwithstanding, those who didn't want Episode 2 again really didn't like it. I think, and again this is opinion, they wanted some fresher interpretation, or even a failure, but it was a sunshine and rainbows story. There was still kindness in the world, as much as Fluttershy tried to convince herself and the reader otherwise, and there was always going to be a bright ending. I feel that it's my fault as an author if that wasn't signposted clearly enough, but in the end you can't please everyone.

In Conclusion

Overall I’m very happy with A World Without Kindness, and very happy with the results of the contest. I hit all the major themes I wanted, the characters flowed well and the flaws were manageable, or at least not a problem for most people. I don’t think this was a very ambitious story, but it did what it set out to do very well, and many people seem to love it because of that.

Anyway, that’s my analysis, but self analysis is notoriously hard to do, so if you have any thoughts or corrections, feel free to drop a comment. Or, the Golden Oaks Bookclub have selected A World Without Kindness as their eighth story to read and discuss, so why not head over and join them. Either way, thanks again everyone who’s read and enjoyed the story, there’s more horse words winging their way to you soon.

Comments

[ferventwilight]

Personally, I liked the ending. Hope is just so much brighter than gloom. I also am enjoying the rest of your stories.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I'll look up some of your other stuff. As for this one, good show!

[wolfstorm56]

Well, I'm glad I ended up reading this fic before you made this post. It makes for a nice look back on it. I've always enjoyed analysis in this fandom, so I hope you end up making one of these for "Club" someday too.

[Sypher]

I'll be honest, this was the last of the Fallout: Equestria prompt stories that I read because the title made me somewhat chary. It's a very appropriate title, don't get me wrong! It's just happened to sound--to me--like the sort of title an inexperienced author might write. I guess it worked out in the end though, since I got to save the best for last.

For more positive things:

“I am Kindness,” I said softly, as the magic of Harmony roared around me. “Because despite this cruel world, I will save it.”

This is the kind of quote that stays with you. I can count on my fingers the stories I've read on this site with stuff like this.

[MasterPony]

I feel your dyslexic pain bro!
new4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Same+story+here+bro+_090e60b768d10714c36e7accabbeafbc.jpg
You do a great job in spite of it :D

[billymorph]

2871161 2871170 Thanks guys, have fun with the rest of my library

2871798 It's on my list, though I do need to actually finish the next chapter first. I way overdue...

2871950

I'll be honest, this was the last of the Fallout: Equestria prompt stories that I read because the title made me somewhat chary.

See, I am thinking I need to look into my titles, The Humans in Equestria Club has exactly the same problem. Ah well, they work, but I feel I could get more draw sometimes.

This is the kind of quote that stays with you. I can count on my fingers the stories I've read on this site with stuff like this.

2872186 Thanks, it's always a struggle. On the plus side it makes the big picture easier, so it's not all bad.