Lightning in a Bottle Review 8: "Singing Trees And Other Hearth Fire Miracles" · 4:06am Jan 2nd, 2015
Author: Bucking Nonsense
Featured story: "Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?" (Top Ranked, 1 January, 2015)
Least viewed story at that time: "Singing Trees And Other Hearth Fire Miracles"
Completion: Fully read
Ah! A brand new year, so full of potential and possibility, like an empty, blank canvas! So... I guess that means it's full of empty. Never mind all that! Just ignore the rapidly collapsing metaphor and pull up a seat as I usher in a new age with a new fic... and naturally, it's full of exactly the same uninspired, mass-produced, predigested garbage for the blind, mindless masses to lap out of the trough!
So, okay. That's not the fic I'm actually reviewing. Here at Lightning In A Bottle Industries, we target people who somehow reached the top of the featured box. And we attack review them in their most vulnerable spot: their least viewed story. I've always wondered what sort of stories hit the front page. Surely some get by on their tags alone: The sort of narcissistic wish-fulfillment that only Humans in Equestria, Self Insert OCs, and badly-written clop can fulfill. But for the most part, I don't get those stories. They never turn up during the selection process, and I certainly don't seek them out intentionally. Whatever bad things I've said about the fanfics I've featured in the past, you can at least say that some degree of originality went into them. They may not all be good, but at least every one of them was different. Unique. Original.
This ends now.
Those of you who follow this series may know what's coming, because one fic in particular has dominated the top slot of the featured box like a boss. Like a final boss, even. That Mega Man 2 boss that could only be killed by Bubble Lead: the lamest, clumsiest weapon in the entire history of Mega Man arsenals. Yes, even worse than Top Spin. And shut your face: Quick Boomerang was badass.
The fic I am referring to, of course, is "Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?" The fic where a human suffers a tragic accident/attends a costume party/is on leave from Afghanistan, then gets flung into Equestria, and inexplicably assumes the form of evil Lord Tirek. Say it with me now: Hilarity ensues.
Gee. Has that ever been done before? This is one of the most hackneyed plot devices I've ever heard of, and this fic is simply the worst. Ever. It's awful and unoriginal. Just look at the cover image: Tirek is holding a double-necked electric guitar. That should tell you everything you need to know. Now, you might be saying... DuncanR, you say... "You haven't even read that fic yet. How can you know if it's bad?" Well, I'll tell you something right now. When you've been a member of a fandom for as long as I have, you can instantly detect bad stories before you even read the first line. I was a fan of the series from the very beginning, and that means I don't need to "know things."
But that's not why we're here. We're here to look at the author's least viewed story... and I'm quite sure it's just as bad. I think I'll go ahead and start judging it now, before I open it up, just to save myself some time. I'm sure you realize how important my time really is... TV Tropes isn't going to browse itself, after all.
DuncanR's Extra Judgmental Review of "Singing Trees And Other Hearth Fire Miracles"
Aaaand it's a holiday story. From last year. That's... yeah. Great. Just great. It would have been even better if it'd turned up on my desk last week.
Y'know, when I was actually LOOKING FOR A HOLIDAY THEMED STORY YOU IMBECILE ARGHLE-BARGLE-GARGLE
Sorry. I... sorry. Moving on.
Technical Issues
It was taller than the highest towers of Canterlot Palace, and as thick around the trunk as a large house.
Already, we have a glaring error, in the second paragraph. This doesn't bode well. There's a missing...
Oh. No, wait, that reads fine. It's as thick around the... yeah. I see what he...
Wierd. Dunno what I saw there. Never mind.
The fact that, under the tree's canopy, it was as warm as a spring afternoon, even now, during the coldest of winter snows, made it stranger still.
Okay, HERE we go. There's way too many commas in this sentence. Way too many. It may sound fine when you read it aloud... and I will admit, it does sound perfectly reasonable... in fact, it reads quite well. And come to think of it, I have been told that I tend to use too few commas in my own writing. I might be overreacting here.
You get a pass... but I've got my eye on you.
Style Issues
Okay. Even after overcoming my hypersensitivity to commas, I still think this story is ridiculous. It has a solid narrative voice and a pretty good style, but I just can't ignore the fact that it evokes the same feelings as a freakin' children's storytime picture book.
...Written during the holidays. Based on a cartoon for little girls.
So. I guess... yeah. Moving on?
Plot Issues
Okay, this is one thing you can't fault me for. Giant magic trees? Christian symbolism? Baby changelings rescued by Santa Claus? This is exactly the sort of ridiculous, clichéd, cockamamie plotline I'd write! Except I'd use realistic emotions and a thoroughly engrossing narrative style to make it all work, in spite of the ridiculous premise! And maybe have a plot twist that casts everything in a different light on the second read-through! And... and some other stuff that I pointed out above!
Wait. Is there going to be a plot twist? Y'know, like, Santa seems to show up in a dream sequence, but it turns out the "singing tree" is just a radio that Pinkie Pie left there? But then, even after they learn the mundane truth, the cynical protagonist sees the genuine good cheer the songs fostered in the children? Like, that's... y'know, the true spirit of what Santa stands for? If it were me, I wouldn't even have him show up at all. All we have left are the children's memories of him, learned through the lyrics. The ideal he stands for. The ideal that's so often forgotten in the frenzied rush of consumerism that exhausts us all.
Maybe that's the truest Santa of all? The hopes and dreams of little children. Are their wishes not real enough?
Huh.
I gotta... some music, maybe. Yeah. That might help.
I just need some music right now, and I don't care to make excuses. S'cuse me.
Actually Reading The Story, Now
Wait. I'm just guessing here, but... is the protagonist hallucinating all this? What if he's actually freezing near to death, and somepony rescues him, and then he remembers all the powerful emotions he felt during the dream? I didn't see any Dark tag.
Did you see a dark tag? I didn't. That seems dark. It doesn't really happen that way, does it?
Oh man, this is actually pretty good. I ought to read stories more often before reviewing them.
Final Verdict
Let's try this again. Spoiler warnings, obviously, so go read the story before you mouse over any text.
Go ahead, I'll wait. It's very short.
Technical Issues
The author is clearly a much better proofreader than I am. I only noticed two or three errors, and they weren't enough to pull me out of things.
As far as I'm concerned, that's an A+.
Style Issues
Excellent narrative voice, good attention to description, and the characterization was conveyed well. The story has a firm storybook feel to it, like any holiday story, but still had enough detail to ground it in reality.
I especially liked the middle part, where the... Hey, wait a minute! Somebody out there is mousing over this text without reading the story. So you think you're pretty clever, huh? Well You just ruined it for everybody else. No spoilers here! Go on and stand up so everybody else can see you. That's right, everybody: It's HIS fault nobody gets any spoilers. Happy now? I didn't think so. The storytelling becomes subtly more "childish," for lack of a better term, and the characters are all played completely straight. It gives me the feeling that this part of the story might have been a dream, or at least very dreamlike. And then we're plunged back into reality.
My first complaint is extremely minor. The author's use of the word "Planet" pulled me out of things a fair bit: in a story that relies so heavily on cultivating a mythic atmosphere, this word tastes very sci-fi.
My second complaint is slightly less minor, and its solution is much more nebulous: It's about the protagonist's emotions. They were conveyed well enough, but they never felt truly powerful... they never quite "glowed"... and a story like this needs all the "sense of wonder" it can get.
My third complaint is only mildly spoilerrific. At some point, the author... HEY! (points at that one guy) Did I say you could sit down? No, I didn't. Anyways. At some point, the author gives us a very long list of the young changeling's names. Listing just two or three would have worked much better: The mood would be better preserved, and we'd still get the idea loud and clear.
Three missed opportunities to cultivate a stronger sense of wonder? Perhaps. But they weren't a deal-breaker for me. Fixing this would move the story from great to perfect.
Plot Issues
Let's get one thing straight: I am an extremely easy reader to fool. I never see "the twist" coming until it's too late, so perhaps I am biased. But I loved this story's ending. Loved it quite a bit. Considering its intentionally outlandish premise, and its very short length, it did exactly what it set out to do. I, DuncanR, was surprised and delighted to read it, and you must have a heart of stone not to find some enjoyment in this brief tale.
Final Verdict
What are you waiting for? Go read it right now, if you haven't already. Unless you hate children's stories with a passion, or have no sense of humor or wonder, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It takes an inherently silly premise, adds realistic characterization, and squeezes out a healthy dose of winter "awww."
While you're at it, check out the author. Their writing ability is quite excellent, and they have a couple other stories kicking around that might need some love. If this is the LEAST popular thing they've ever done, their other works are almost certainly worth a closer look.
...Though I hope you like changeling rom-coms.
Just sayin'.
No spoilers here or anything. Just letting that one guy know he can sit down now.
2695012
...Something tells me you're the reason spoiler tags exist.
Argh, you had way too much fun making this review! Just for that I'm not gonna go read the story unless I say something meta about that.
OH, OH NOW IT'S FINE TO USE PLENTY OF COMMAS. FINE.
Hey! Bubble Lead can kill the Super Slinkies! >:( It's way better than Top Spin! And aren't you forgetting about Charge Kick anyway, aka "slide into your enemy over and over until you both die"?
2695692
I, have no, idea what you're, talking, about sir.