Fallen Angels Revisions List -- Part 1 · 6:17am Dec 26th, 2014
Most of my revisions have been to flow and punctuation, which I won't include in this blog, though I consider them major improvements to the look, feel, and wannabe-professionalism of the story. I'll also skip mentioning most of the more minor tweaks to language (having to do with things like Would Sweetie/Fluttershy/Twilight really have phrased it that way? or Does that leave readers with the most accurate impression?)
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Prologue
A lot had happened since those formative years, the most important of which—she recalled only briefly at the moment—had been a spiritual awakening. So many fears had vanished as she discovered her place in existence and sought guidance through Harmony, yet, almost immediately, life had found new ways to test her. Though she remained stalwart and tried to live right by her new standards, mistakes were inevitable. While she felt she'd known it at some level from the beginning of her very young ecclesiastical commitment, she eventually came to learn that her sexual escapades were in direct conflict with the faith she trusted. The foalish naughtiness she'd once felt about touching herself in a dirty place grew into guilt, and thus began a long and repeating cycle of frantically searching for an alternative form of comfort to escape from daily stress, followed by the ultimate giving in to old habits, then guilt, shame, swearing to herself she'd stop, stress again, and relapse. Guilt and sexual pleasure gradually mixed together both bitter and sweet, and, with time, Fluttershy could no longer remember them separately. As a budding young pegasus, she felt compelled to push boundaries and take risks in search of higher heights, and it wasn't long before she began doing things she'd be utterly mortified to be caught in the act of.
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Chapter 1
[Religious hope.]
They'll do worse than laugh at me, she thought. If I told even the closest of my friends what goes through my mind, would any of them understand? The risk, she decided, was unbearable unless she knew beforehoof whether they'd accept her. She was likely wrong to hide this way. She let fear control her, regardless, because she knew it better than the courage needed to pick herself up if she failed, even if that fear left her feeling stifled and terribly alone. As long as her attraction hinged on the beauty and innocence of foals, and as long as it was unrealistic to hope for a foal companion, she saw no likely end to her isolation.
Throughout adolescence, a filly of high ideals, Fluttershy made a spirited effort to fight fear with faith. Her life had been full of miracles small and great back then; rebirth had given her new purity, hope that some day she'd meet her special somepony and not have to be ashamed of her foalish indiscretion. Though still poignant, loneliness had been manageable while she still hoped that she could grow away from her uncommon obsession with younger foals. When her vice had reappeared and faith alone was unable to cure her, she'd known the right thing was to throw herself into action. Christ helps those who help themselves, after all, she believed. When she'd given herself to prayer, fasting, study, and service, her burning lust didn't end, however. She blamed only herself. If only she'd tried harder, she thought.
Miracle or not, she would keep trying if it took her whole life. Every lurid mistake, every cloying fantasy, only left her feeling broken afterward, regretting yet craving more. Selflessness, enduring kindness, divine love—these were the antidote, water to a parched soul. Now, as she invited both temptation and companionship into her home with Sweetie Belle, she asked herself, which was she really after—poison or remedy? Could she temper her infatuation with self control, or was it a lost cause as all of her other attempts to change seemed to have been?
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Chapter 2
Technical and/or minor changes only.
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Chapter 3
[Changed Celestia to Harmony.]
“I didn't know any better at first, I guess.” The note of sadness confirmed what Sweetie Belle had feared. It was too late to take back the question now, she thought. She simply hugged her friend more tightly.
“And I was ... lonely. By the time I realized it didn't help, well, I had already been ... changed.” Fluttershy paused as her mistakes flashed before her. “And, as for why we shouldn't ...”
Only one answer held much weight for Fluttershy personally. She trusted the doctrine taught to her. She'd believed in Harmony fervently since those days of her foalhood shortly after she'd fallen from flight camp, and it was the kind teachings of Mr. Waddle, Ponyville’s clergypony devoted to spreading harmonic dogma, that had shown her what she'd done was wrong.
[Sweetie's youthful enthusiasm highlighted.]
Sweetie rested her head again in the nook beneath Fluttershy's chin. “Mm ...” the little filly tensed and tingled as she thought again about the possible future. The thoughts came easily and she received them willingly. With any other pony, Sweetie thought, it would feel wrong, but being with Fluttershy that way was something she felt she wanted naturally. Though her inexperience prevented her from understanding why and she felt surprised by the suddenness of her own intense emotions, the more she thought about it, the more Sweetie wanted it.
[Youthful enthusiasm continued.]
It took the young filly a moment to try and collect her thoughts as they were all over the place. “I don't—I mean ... I guess I'm thinking a lot of things, and it's hard to say, but ... what really matters is that, I think ...” Something had been building in the young filly ever since she’d realized she reciprocated Fluttershy’s romantic interest—a feeling that might only have grown so quickly in a filly so young, yet Sweetie would have insisted her age had nothing to do with it.
For a moment, Sweetie hated how young she was. Being young meant that what she thought or said wasn't usually taken seriously by adult ponies. Even her friends dismissed what she said sometimes. But what she wanted to say now was something that felt too important to let it be brushed aside. She knew from experience that Fluttershy would listen to her better than other ponies might, but would she believe that a foal like her was serious if she said what she was feeling right now?
The filly squeezed Fluttershy one last time before shifting her body, and Fluttershy released her, unsure of what was happening. Sweetie planted her back hooves on the ground, then her front hooves, and stepped away to look seriously at the young mare. Fluttershy rolled over to face her and saw what seemed like an almost grave expression. At first she feared Sweetie had bad news. When the filly spoke her name, however, the tone calmed Fluttershy's worry.
“Fluttershy ... I think I want to marry you.” She paused, and Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. “And ... I know I'm young and inexperienced, and I may not fully understand love yet, but ... what I feel right now about you is something I've never felt before, and I want to keep feeling it.”
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Chapter 4
[Adjusted character voices.]
“Oh, I see.” Fluttershy considered what to say. “Well ... it’s alright to feel embarrassed, but, if you tell me what’s on your mind, I promise,” Fluttershy let herself pry after all ... very gently, “I’ll love you the same. If you don't want to that's okay too, but I’ll be happy that you trust me ... i-if you do.”
The filly was reassured and grateful for the mare’s kindness. The gentle prompting made opening up much easier. “Well ... first, this part's not really a secret, but I—I mean, even though I know you like me and you like that I’m ... little, I still wish I were big enough that you'd ... want to marry me soon ... instead of waiting. I know getting married soon isn't really a good idea and it's still early to even know if marriage is right for us, but that doesn’t help how I feel deep down.”
Fluttershy looked a bit sad at this but only pondered it without saying anything.
Sweetie continued. “And second, well ... It’s been ... almost two hours since we kissed, and ... I ... I can’t stop thinking about it ... a-about what it would be like to ... have sex—like an itch that doesn't go away. I’m worried that ... maybe that’s bad or maybe I’m bad b-because ... what you said. That it should only be with somepony you know will stay with you forever ... and when we’re both ready, but, even though I know that, I—maybe I’m ... bad.”
[Adding a couple details.]
A kiss or two couldn’t hurt could it? Fluttershy reasoned. But the floodgates were opening now. Fluttershy tried to pull back, to break the kiss, but a fiercer part of her instead parted her lips and pressed them down longingly into Sweetie’s.
This time the development caught Sweetie off guard. The older pony’s firm but gentle tongue tasted her lips, politely requesting the same, sending the filly's head spinning and exciting her in more ways than one. If she hadn't felt it before at the forest edge, she might have been frightened. If she didn't trust Fluttershy implicitly, the little pony would have questioned. Instead, Sweetie relaxed, her eyes closed, and she parted her lips in return.
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Chapter 5 & 6 (formerly a single chapter--5)
Mostly technical and/or minor changes.
Chapter split before the next day's counseling began between Fluttershy and Twilight.
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Chapter 7 (formerly 6)
[Adjusting Sweetie's voice/characterization.]
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom broke into peals of laughter. “I'm sorry Scoot,” Sweetie said several moments later, still giggling. “I just—” the filly stopped herself, seeing finally how uncomfortable she'd made her friend “—I was a little ... upset when you called it sick earlier, but it wasn't very ladylike of me.” Sweetie smiled sheepishly.
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are you saying that I absolutely need to wait forever to get to the rest of the story? this is the worst thing almost ever! I started the story and read a bunch of chapters and now I need to wait for you to catch back up?
is there no way to see the whole original?
2687246 It's readers with your unfortunate timing that I was worried about. Since the revision process has been slower than I thought and doesn't help the fic receive any publicity, I'm thinking there's no real need to unpublish the chapters. However, it does make for a neater more professional revision process. I suppose a good compromise will have to be this:
View the partially revised story here.