The Cynical Brony: Episode 14: "Read it and Weep Review" Edited 6/3/15! · 8:49pm Dec 14th, 2014
[Note: The blue lines are Dash's.]
Ah, back again! Hey Derpy, where are you? Derpy? Huh. Well, she'll be back. In any case, I managed to get Dash. It's surprising how easy pegasi are to knock out. Hey, Dash!
...huh? How'd I get here...?
The defense has spoken! She has nothing to say, and so we can proceed to sentencing!
What?! The Hell am I on trial for?! Also, I'm no lawyer, but I do watch Law and Order! Isn't there supposed to be opening statements, witness testimonies and stuff?!
No time, and you already did your opening statements, with nothing in your defense! And sense this is my court, I find you guilt-
Will you shut up and actually explain something?!
Fine, I'll give you the short version: you pissed me off, so now I'm going to punish you in anyway possible.
How did I manage that?
Double Rainboom, Rainbow Falls, and Mare Do Well.
Let me get this straight: you're mad at me, because of someone's fan movie, considering following my dream, and my friends dressing up like a superhero?
That's the gist of it.
... I'd have heard what you said, but I'm deaf to stupidity. Do you really have nothing better to do than get mad over TV show episodes?
Screw you, I find you guilt-
Objection!
Oh, for Christ's sake, STOP INTERUPTING ME!
No! I won't stop until you let Rainbow Dash go, or my name isn't Scootaloo!
Oh, threats from the winged earth pony? How frightening.
Hey! Don't insult Scoots!
Or what? You'll fly really fast in the other direction?!
SMACK!
...Ow! That hurt, you little jerk! Besides, how the Hell did you find me?!
I saw you dragging Dash away.
Yet, you didn't call the police. I could have killed her and was dragging the body away for all you knew! You're a very dumb child, aren't you?
POW!
God damn it, why didn't I hand cuff you, Dash?!
Because you're an idiot.
I talk to Twilight and have Princess Celestia banish you to the sun for kidnapping an Element of Harmony and a child.
Try me!
***
By royal decree, we find Cynical guilty of kidnapping both an Element of Harmony and a child. You have three choices: Be banished to the sun, go to prison, or be monitored at all times by Rainbow Dash as punishment.
...Well... I don't feel like getting burnt to death, so I'll humor you. State your first choice, and I'll review it to make sure you're not lying.
First, you shall review the episode "Read it and Weep".
Very well. Assuming you don't kill me, seeing as how you don't have hand or wing cuffs, I'll be back in a bit.
We would if we knew where we are.
***
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Well, I'm apparently reviewing Read it and Weep, so let's dig in.
The episode starts with Rarity and Pinkie watching Dash preform some tricks. Twilight walks up in time to see Pinkie break her neck in all sorts of ways, but still live because Pinkie. Then Dash crashes into the ground at full speed. Ooh... well, somebody get a mop. And theme.
We find that Dash has just woken up from a coma. Not even kidding, that's what the episode's implying. Once Dash fully wakes up, she finds that she's apparently broken her wing. Ha! That's what you get for not using metal wings like mine!
Go to Hell!
Already been! Anyway, we meet what has to meet the most pissed off doctor in the world. Seriously, he's always frowning, snapping at people, and talks down to his patients. Dude, Dr. Cox is a nicer doctor than you! Rainbow objects, and Pinkie has this to say: 
"Just like a spider, did the crash give her super-duper spider powers?"
You already met your comic book reference limit in MDW! Apparently, Dash thinks a few days is as bad as a few years. I'm sure Luna wouldn't find that offensive at all. Oh God, what happened to the other guy? Did he use the slip-n-suicide from last time? Twilight, trying to find a way to keep Dash entertained, hands her a book. 
"What's this?"
What's this? There's color everywhere! What's this? There are snowflakes in the air! I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. It's apparently a Daring Do book, and Twilight mentions that it's the first in the series. Make note of this. Rainbow breaks gravity by having the book fall at a 60 degree angle, and this really pisses Twilight off, based on her expression. 
"Reading's for eggheads."
That's a nice middle finger to everyone reading this currently. Fuck you too, Dash.
"Who doesn't like to read a bang-up tale from time to time?"
Hey, something I can agree with Applejack on. Personally, I would always read the Goosebumps series when I was young. Those were some good books. 
"Reading is for everypony, Rainbow Dash!"
Did you get that? Just in case, the episode's going to nail it into your skull about fifty more times.
Nurse: "All right, my little ponies."
Keep dropping the title and you're gonna break it. So, just like real hospitals, friends and family are called out even though their loved one could die at anytime. Yeah, I'm not fond of hospitals who do that. 
"I think you'd like Daring. She's a lot like you."
Right up to being a recolor of Dash! So, then we get the world's most boring montage, where Rainbow does different crap to entertain herself except reading. Then she's a dick to the other guy in the room. I thought you said this showed you in a good light!
It does in a bit.
After a bit, Dash gives up and takes a look at the book. She instantly relates to Daring, as they both have broken wings. Then we get to see the new OC, Daring Do. I call her an OC, because she's as bad as most of them. A copy-paste personality, recolor of a previously existing color, and is a uber-mega-badass according to the creator. She'd later be expanded in Daring Don't, but that's not the focus today. We get some Indiana Jones-esque action, where she escapes a bunch of cats. This leads her to a temple of doom, and we cut to Dash. She admits to herself that she loves reading, but then backtracks because of her egg-head comment. Oh, it's nice to see smart-asses get bit by their remarks. Back to the book, where Daring attempts to enter the temple. I love just how over-kill the trap system is! 
I have a feeling whoever designed that made it as a joke, but the others took it seriously. Daring sees the idle, and back to Dash. Twilight and Fluttershy come by, and Rainbow hides the book. "We brought your favorite board game!"
Wait, Dash has the patience for a board game, but not reading? I find that a bit odd. Also, BUY OUR TOYS! THIS GAME IS DASH'S FAVORITE, AND IT CAN BE YOUR FAVORITE FOR 19.99$! Back to the book. This has almost as many cutaways as the Crystal Empire!
There's a floor pattern, that if failed, results in death. Hmm... that sounds familiar. According to Daring, the answer is a rat, because all the other animals are predators. I call shenanigans, as rats are also known for predator-like behavior. Then Daring grabs the idle, but not in a cool way like Indiana Jones. She just bites the thing and stuffs it in her hat. Okay, the animation here with the temple crashing down is pretty cool. After she escapes, we meet Ahuizotl, which is an actual creature in Mayan mythology. For the sake of the review though, I'll just call him Al. He's much more terrifying when he has Pinkie Pie's voice, though. Speaking of which, Pinkie, AJ, and Rarity show up. They're there to show off Applejack's amazing ventriloquist skills, as she can speak without opening her mouth or even flinching. Then Dash pulls a Christmas Story, and starts eating like mommy's little piggy. Book time! Miss Do gets captured, and I guess the guy who designed the temple didn't go out of business. Snakes, why does it always have to be snakes? I guess Dash is the slowest reader ever, because she only gets one page further before the day ends and gets checked out. So, Rainbow gets kicked out... in a wheel chair for some reason, despite not having any injured legs.
Rainbow considers Twilight, but doesn't want to get an, "I told you so". Naturally, like any rational person, she just decides to break into the hospital and steal the book. Wait, what?! Yeah, she goes back in the middle of the night and just steals the thing! What a jerk. Surprisingly though, it turns out that Dash is a
She manages to sneak past all the guards, and get the book. However, this cancer patient guy thinks she's there to steal his slippers. By the way, there's a funeral in the next episode. Let's see if you can put two and two together. So, the guards chase her, leading throughout the whole town. It ends outside of the library, where Dash is promptly arrested for theft. Or that's what would have happened if Twilight didn't give her a royal pardon. So, the episode ends with Rainbow apologizing to Twilight, and Dash reading the series in her house, with no repercussions for committing theft.
Well, it didn't show you in a particularly good light, but it amused me. You have one count down, Dash.
Yep, me and Scoots are awesome like that.
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"Read it and Weep" written by Cindy Morrow
"Smooth Criminal" by Michal Jackson
"Theme" from Reading Rainbow
This doesn't really seem like a POSITIVE review to me.
Anyways, this episode is one of my MOST FAVORITES!!
2653565 It's one of my favorite episodes too. Yeah, I'm not very happy with how this episode turned out. Not very funny, and gives a very negative feel.
2653596 YA THINK?!
2653596 Okay, in all seriousness, I think you should try harder to be positive when giving a positive review.
2653722 That's a bit harsh.
2653818 Yeah...sorry about that.
2653858 It's okay.
I think you mean "already have".
How dare you insult the great Daring Do!
She is the best pony next to Octy and Vinyl!
2653974 No, I meant what I said. It was "Go to Hell!". When I said, "Already been!", it's implying that I've already been to Hell.
2653978 But the grammar in the sentence is "Already have!"
Santa came down from heaven and made it better. You're not the only one who watches MST3K.
And you say I'm cruel to Dash.
Just kidding.
And yet is the villain that is the most forgettable of the two Daring Do villains. The second one actually got me intrigued in his back story.
Oh, god! Rainbow Dash drank Twilight's psycho potion and kills all the ponies she cares about every night! RUN!
Fun review. Can't wait for the next one.
2653974 Your rage amuses me. Continue.
2654378 Glad you enjoyed it!
I wasn't particularly happy with how it came out (except the interactions with Dash and Scoots), but it's good to know you did.