" -The Hat Mann
The Cynical Brony: Episode 13: "Mare-do-Well Review" featuring Spideremblem Brony! · 4:16pm Dec 6th, 2014
[Note: Hey guys, sorry this episode's late. Both Spideremblem and I were having holiday vacations. Also, storyline.]
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Everyone knows about the infamous Mare-do-Well, right? How it's the worst episode of the show, it being utter rubbish, and being the rumored reason why Lauren Faust left the show. I am so going to... I like this episode. Yep, you heard right: I love this episode. However, this episode is special, because I have a guest! Everyone say hello to Spideremblem Brony, AKA The Critique!
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. You know, sometimes a fan fic comes along and you just have to review it for the piece of shit that is!
Um, Critique? We're reviewing an episode, not a fan fic.
What do you mean? I’m reviewing an episode of the show?!
Exactly that.
I don’t do that! I think we’ve got enough ponies that do that! Besides, wouldn’t that seem rather Meta?
And just what's wrong with being Meta? Come on, it'll be fun!
Huff… Fine. What episode am I going to have to review?
Let's see... Dragon Quest? No. Canterlot Wedding? No... ah! The Mysterious Mare Do Well.
MYSTERIOUS MARE DO WELL?! You mean the one that is universally panned by bronies?!
That's the one.
But what can I say that nopony else has said?! With all the analysis of the show, all the bases are pretty much covered!
It's either this or "Equestria After Dark". Make your pick.
EAD? … Huff…. Let’s just get this over with…
Good choice! Let's begin, shall we?
Our episode starts at Brony-Con… I mean, Brony-Con… I mean, Brony-Con… I mean… No, I mean Brony-Con.
If Bronycon sucked and only focused on Rainbow Dash. Wait... some of those Dash pictures look a little... arousing. Did Hasbro find out about MAS and "Hoot! Scootaloo"? "I declare Rainbow Dash be named the most awesome pony in Ponyville." Well, considering Applecrack and Hag-ity live here too, that's not very hard. Also, is all that Dash merchandise official? Huh, now we know how she can afford that big-ass sky house.
Little known fact about this scene. In the original script, Scootaloo and her followers were actually part of a cult that believed Rainbow Dash was a god and that by killing her in the most violent way possible, they would release the deity in Rainbow Dash’s fleshy prison to rule over all of Equestria.
But for some reason, the censorship got to it. Can’t imagine why. Decapitations after hours of torturing her isn’t that gory.
0_0
I-I'll walking away now... don't hurt me... please? Anyways, back to the episode. "What about, 'Super-ultra-extreme-awesome-amazing'?" Mary Poppins you are not, writer. Plus, shame on you! I had to turn on subtitles, pause it, and re-read it twice just to type it in! Then we see it was Dash who did it. Ha-ha, you're a jackass. And theme.
***
So, after the catchy as hell theme song is still stuck in your head, our episode actually begins with Rainbow Dash simply enjoying her day. Sounds like the start of every bad fan fiction ever.
Well, she hasn't been invited to anyone's house yet, so she isn't going to be murdered. So, this thing actually starts with Dash pulling a Scrooge McDuck inside a bunch of clouds. However, it seems little Timmy is stuck in the well! "I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm here to rescue you!" "Uh, that's nice, but please stop introducing yourself and help me!" Wait, what?! In the previous shot, the well was in the middle of a field with no-one around. Now, it's right next to the town with SIX ponies there! Oh wait, Doctor Whooves is in the crowd. Wibbly Wobbly, you know the rest. "Wow, what's with this crowd?" That's what I'm asking! Oh look, more friggin' ponies just showed up! Hello Dinky, alternate-universe Cheerily, alternate-universe Dinky, and alternate-universe Voice of Reason. I guess the Doctor's getting sloppy in his old age. "That Rainbow Dash is something special." Yeah, she is a part of the short bus.
The next scene shows us a baby carriage flying off. And, damn, that thing is going fast! I never noticed how fast that fucking thing is going! What, did she push it off?! Somepony, I think, wants to collect some child insurance.
Yep. Well, I did find Berry Punch's husband, which is neat. Wait, what the f*ck?! Why in the actual nine circles of Hell does this mountain road end in a ramp?! Is this a suicide cliff that's meant to be fun as you go down?! Dash saves the thing, and the mother doesn't collect the child's life insurance. "Oh no, there's something wrong with the baby!" It's a New-Born Cutie, kill it with fire! Hey, it's the return of the AU characters, this time adding alternate-universe Bon-Bon and older Sweetie Belle. I guess she never got out of that time-loop until she was old. No, RD just makes a very sick joke. Well done, you prismatic prisoner of pride, you made me feel hatred towards you!
Ha, ha, ha… That’s not funny, you bitch.
You just made several jokes about child murder. Pot and the kettle, eh?
What do you mean? What about the pot and the kettle? I only made one joke, all my others got censored!
With good reason! You made some pretty messed up jokes in the non-censored version!
So, Rainbow Dash decides to get her photograph taken by the media for her heroics. Okay, not a bad thing, heroes get photographed all the time. Just ask the Flash or Superman from DC Comics. Not to mention the Fantastic Four from Marvel.
Yes, Dash is very super famous. No, I'm not going to play the song! "I can think of a few words," So can I: successful, loved, famous, adored, multicolored, and heroic considering she's saved two lives already. But NOOO, to Applejack, RD is experiencing joy and happiness and has a slight ego, so she's evil! You know, despite what the Bible says, pride, lust, and anger are perfectly normal and are sometimes healthy for you.
And even if it was, has this crazy, bat-shit, insane, not logical in anyway thought ever occurred to you? TRY TALKING TO HER! Yeah, a pretty fucking big deal for this episode! They never once confront her about what she is doing! For all the talk of ‘Friendship’, talking about the problem, I think, is the most important step in overcoming it! Seriously, this is bad fan fiction levels guys! Tell me you are smarter than this! So, anyway, the episode continues at the old folk’s home, where the balcony breaks. What is this? Fucking Townsville?! … Though, Miss Faust was behind this show, so it’s not altogether impossible. Also, Jesus, you old fart, the balcony limit is 30000 pounds! Do you eat dragons for breakfast or something?!
"Never fear, your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash is here!" Okay, that's actually a pretty cool nod to Spider-man and Underdog. Nicely done. So she saves them, and more fans arise. Oh so many music jokes I can make here, so little time. I'll pick one: "I can see them everywhere, they're all around me, they're waiting for me!"
She starts milking the fuck out of it and her friends start getting annoyed. Of course, they could take the logical route and actually talk to her about it, but … Fuck that! That’d require effort. So, they all gather to Sugar Cube Corner, where no doubt Pinkie is drawing numbers to solve the episode’s problem.
She ended up with #34. Ha! Let's see how many of you get that continuity nod!
I’m sorry, I call bullshit on this! Why can’t the main fucking six go and fucking talk to her?! I’m not buying any of it in this episode! I can’t believe I have to tell a professional writer “Show, don’t tell”! Fuck, we can’t even get the episode to tell us that it happened so at least we can feel like we got cheated! This is the saddest day in my reviewing career! Rainbow hires Spike to be her Ghost Rider.
Oh, sorry. That’s actually Ghost ‘Writer’. Sorry. Though, now that I mention it… That does make me think about something… Something I probably should be working on… Something I haven’t updated in a while… I’m sure it’s not important though…
Shameless self promotion! Remember to check out Bottomless Pit! Oh my God, Spike is dressed up as the 1960's Jimmy Olsen! More points to this episode! 
"Awesomely heroic and awesomely arrogant ever since."
Oh, I'll get to you in episode 16, you annoying excuse of a back-ground pony turned main character. Also, has the idea of walking up to Dash and saying, "Hey Dash, could you turn the ego down a bit?" ever crossed their minds? Once again, Applejack, you have no right to say that Dash is in the wrong for having an ego when yours is five times as big! "I'm far to occupied with saving lives to stop and write, so I hired Spike to be my ghost writer." That... is actually a really good excuse. Anyways, this bit is boring, so NEXT SCENE!
We cut to Dash signing those porno-pics from the beginning of the episode (come to think of it, maybe these were the pictures in Turnabout Storm Dash was worried about getting out) "Aim high kid, but don't aim for the impossible." Now, despite the slightly rude context, I think this is a good quote. Plus, she's being honest considering this kid appears to be an earth pony. Suddenly, a giant air balloon comes crashing down. Music joke time! "Descending, unrelenting, Beauty of Annihilation!" Oops, Rainbow Dumb-ass is too enthralled in signing her porn posters to save the person in the balloon! "Will Rainbow Dash make it in time?" Tune in next time, same Rainbow channel, same Rainbow time! Then a shadow goes over Spike. Oh, I guess she didn't catch it in time. No, instead it's... oh my God, it's Darkwing Duck!
Hello there! There was originally a clip here, but FiM Fiction decided cut it out for some reason. This is a link to the original video.
Oh, they cut out this one too. Thanks, Larson.
Yes! All the yes! You put Darkwing God-damned Duck in My Little Pony!
Woo! That is f*cking incredible! Props to whoever gave MDW Darkwing's hat and cape!
When suddenly, a mysterious mare shows up and saves the balloon’s passenger. Oh, thanks a lot. Now, we have another mouth to feed. Haven't you heard of natural selection?! Anyway, the mare darts off and makes Rainbow Dash look like an idiot. Not exactly difficult to do.
That makes two of us, my multi-hued adversary.
So, the next… whenever, a carriage runs out of control and oh my god, this is the worst week in Ponyville history! I think somepony is sabotaging the fucking town! What’s next? A giant monster or supervillain?! Maybe the bad guys will all come together with a Legion of Doom!
Dear God, no-one's fixed that damned road?! *sigh* Whatever, if I point out everything wrong with this episode, I'd be here all day. "Uh, excuse me? Do you think you could skip your catchphrase and just save us?" Okay, that did get a chuckle out of me. But if he just let Dash finish the thing, they'd already have been stopped.
Let her finish her catchphrase, you dumbass! It would have taken less time than you berating her for a good solid minute! I’m surprised you all didn’t become big splat marks on the ground for the speech you had prepared for her! Though to be fair, you probably would have deserved it if you’re that stupid. However, Rainbow Dash is unable to stop the cart and it forces Mare-Do-Well to come in and save the day.
Here I come to save the day! That means Mare-do-Well's... on the way! Bullsh*t! I call bullsh*t on that moment's physics! So Bat Mare- I mean Darkwing Pony- I mean Mighty Mare- I mean, Mare Do Well comes in and saves the day, and can apparently jump into the background mountains. I would be angry about something so stupid, but I'm already a damned nuclear furnace of pissed off fanboys.
On top of that, this isn’t a superhero story! This is My Little Pony! This is the same problem I have with Power Ponies! It wants to be something that it isn’t! It wants to be something that it can’t be with this set up! I’m not saying that this should never, ever happen in a My Little Pony story! It can work! But it can’t work like this because it ultimately loses focus on the characters and focuses on the super heroics! I don’t mind superheroes! I love superheroes! But when the story loses the humanity (metaphorically speaking), it hurts the story!
I agree. Anyways, back to the episode. Next we cut to a construction site, where what has to be the dumbest man on the planet breaks a simple lever! Are you that brain dead?! God damn it, stop trying to do your catchphrase! It doesn't do anything! Well, Dash does save one pony, but the jerk can't even be bothered to say thank you. Then this pr*ck says Dash didn't do anything! Excuse me? She just saved your pal, assh*le! So, we cut to the damn dam (yay, I was clever for once) So, Dash keeps the dam from bursting. Either that thing's made out of wet paper, or MDW broke the thing herself. So Mare-E Sue over her fixes the dam with magic. So, RD, desperate to find something that makes her better than Mare Do Well, points out that she has wings. Are you kidding me?! Bow down to the master race, feather brain!
EXCUSE ME?! DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU SAID, CYNICAL?
Yeah Derpy, unicorns like myself are the master race.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU'VE BEEN TREATING ME LATELY...
You have a fucking horn on your fucking head, you fucking twit! And you don’t know how to fucking use it?! Give me the fucking horn! I’d kill to be a fucking unicorn, but no! I got fucking stuck as a fucking earth pony! And…
Ah, for Christ's sake, I don't want to deal with this right now! Go away!
***
Anyways, back to the episode. Suddenly, MDW has wings! So, two things. 1. No one questions that Mare Do Well is apparently an Alicorn? 2. Yay, now she can call herself the terror that flaps in the night! We cut to Sugarcube Corner, where the Mane 6 are intentionally making Rainbow Dash mad by saying just how much better Mare Do Well is than Dash. If I were Dash, this would be my comeback: "Oh? Well, if she's such a better hero and friend than I am, why not go and enjoy her presence? I'll just be back here as the 7th wheel." Then these d*cks laugh at Rainbow's misery, and any sympathy I had for them previously is now dead. Then they get annoyed when Dash gets angry with them and storms off. So, Pinkie and Twilight just went from 2nd 3d best ponies to 6 and 7th best. Dash looks around for people to help so that she can redeem herself in her friends and her own eyes. That... is actually quite sad. Then she spots Granny Smith crossing the street and attempts to help her. After doing so- holy sh*t! Granny Smith just punched her across the face with her hand bag! "I didn't want to cross the street in the first place!" THEN WHY THE HELL WERE YOU WALKING ACROSS THE STREET?! GOD, Ponyville's filled with assholes!
Maybe Granny Smith really wanted to fuck with Rainbow Dash! God, I hate Ponyville!
Hell, Smith actually just assaulted RD for trying to help her. You know, in Super Squeasy Cider 6000, I think she should have said: "Oh, you lost a bet on the farm? Well, I would help, but I seem to recall you punching me for no good reason."
We cut to Sparkler trying to open up a jar of peanut butter. Oh for God's sake woman, you're magical! Rip the damn thing off, don't make the inferior race do it! Gah, you give our species a bad name. Seeing Dash so broken and sad... it doesn't feel right... maybe I'm in the wrong for trying to get her indited? "I hate being alone."
Jesus! Dude! What the hell?! I mean, that’s really fucking sad! And that is the biggest problem with this episode! This goes too fucking far! It just comes down as really mean-spirited! Yeah, Rainbow Dash was arrogant as hell! I get it! Her being shown up is justified! But this?! Holy shit, that was sad! This would have been better if she played up her arrogance the entire episode! I know they are trying to make her relatable, but it makes this set up look like it’s going way too far! I know it’s only for a second, but Jesus.
I don't mind, because I get to make this joke:
Hey, she got excited when Scootaloo came over! Oh wait, it was just for Scootaloo to rub MDW in her face. You know, it must be hard to be loyal when literally everyone you've ever cared about has betrayed you. We cut to the friggin' PARTY AND PARADE of Mare Do Well, you know, the hero that's been around for a week at the most, while you all betray the one who protected you all for years now! Okay, the Batman Animated Series tribute posters in the background are nice.
Rainbow Dash confronts her and Mare-Do-Well, just runs off. Actually, there is an explanation to why Mare-Do-Well runs off. It was cut from the original story that Mare-Do-Well was supposed to be voiced by Christian Bale doing his Batman voice:
Mare-Do-Well: I am the terror that clops in the night! I am the nail that is loose in your horseshoe! I am Mare-Do-Well! Okay, it’s not as effective when read from a text, but use your imagination. So, we get a chase scene throughout the most empty town ever,
Seriously, Silent Hill isn’t this deserted!
ending in Dash unmasking Mary. Then it's revealed that the Mane 6 put on this entire scheme just to teach Rainbow a lesson in modesty. Excuse me for a moment.
It makes the main six look like assholes rather than good friends! Something I’d only expect from bad fan fiction! Not paid writers! You can’t be this stupid! So, they explain that a hero doesn’t brag and she needs to be humble. So, Rainbow Dash quits being a hero. Twilight and the others hang up their capes. Crime rates rises by 90% and all the accidents continue that cost the city of Ponyville lives. Serves them right, ungrateful dicks.
Are you kidding me?! You ruined her reputation, her desire to help others, even her sense of self-worth, just so that her ego would be a little smaller. F*ck you 5. Despite this ALL, I still can't bring myself to hate this episode. It was what originally got me to become a Brony, with all the comic book references. Final thoughts: It's a terrible episode... yet I can't help but hold it in a special place inside my heart.
So, that’s the review of Mare-Do-Well… What a fucking waste of time that was. I’m going back to shitty ass fan fictions. No wonder Lauren left the show after season 2.
Very well. Until then, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to.
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust and Hasbro Inc.
"The Mysterious Mare Do Well" by Meriwether Williams
"Beauty of Annihilation" by Kevin Sherwood
"The Lonely Man" from The Incredible Hulk T.V show
Clips:
"Oh my God!" From JonTron
"10/10" From JonTron
"Yes!" From Street Fighter: The Animated Series
***
Hello there, madam.
GAH! UM, HELLO? WHO SAID THAT?
That was me, madam. You seem... distressed. May I ask what is wrong?
UM... WELL, IT'S MY FRIEND. YOU SEE, HE HASN'T BEEN TREATING ME VERY WELL RECENTLY, EVEN MADE A RACIST REMARK TO MY FACE.
That does seem troubling, madam. Though it is merely a suggestion, why not avoid him if he is treating you unfairly?
HMM... WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW. I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO JUST THROW OUT SUCH A GOOD FRIENDSHIP AWAY. BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR ADVICE.
Of course. Be safe, madam.
***
So, that was my first cross-over! Special thanks to Spideremblem Brony, AKA The Critique, for joining me here.
Hm, interesting breakdown of the episode.
Bonus points for the full song of The Lonely Man.
2893468
Glad you liked it.
That's kind of a bait and switch really.
I was expecting to see a different point of view on the episode, instead I get "everything you heard is true, it is awful, but them comic book references though! <3"
Granted, who doesn't love Darkwing Duck?
2930624 Well, the episode had been analyzed to death, so what new points could I bring? Also, hello there!
2930986
I dunno, but after that intro I thought I was about to find those new points. ^.~
Let's see... this episode provides us the canon reason why Rainbow Dash refuses to hang out with Scootaloo for three seasons?
Also, heyas. ^^
2931023 Well, did you still enjoy the review?
2931044
I did, though I (presumably intentionally) very much felt like I was reading the script to one of Nostalgia Critic's crossover episodes. (Blissfully without the lousy sketch story scenes in between.) To the point that I kept imagining how it would look in video format. Heck, is it in video format somewhere? If not, that might be a worthwhile project. There needs to be Darkwing Duck clips in it though.
2931063 Glad to see I matched his great style.
Sadly, it's not in video format because I can't record lines for it do to not having decent equipment. Glad you enjoyed it though!
You know just doing one thing could have saved the episode. At some point show or mention that the Mane 5 tried talking to Dash and everything else becomes justifiable. MDW should have been a last resort move not the first.
I admit a a bit of self promotion here. but this story is how I feel Dash should have reacted to the reveal and the consequences of the girls actions.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/246280/shadow-of-loyalty
2997350 Hello there, Admiral Q! Glad you enjoyed the review, and thank you for the link to that fic!
May I ask how you found me?
2997816 Comments area on a youtube review on Mare Do Well.
Please send me feedback on my stories, any of them for I do enjoy those.
Note I do have plans for Mare Do Well in one of my stories.
2998421 Well, that was lucky!
2998472 eeyupe
Totally disagree with this. MDW only showed up after Rainbow had it clear she was prioritising showboating over saving lives. If anything they saved her reputation in the longterm by distracting everypony else from that fact.
That being said, I do agree the episode needed another rewrite, and that it has plenty of problems that should have been spotted and corrected at script stage. I just don't think it's quite as bad as that rant makes it out to be.
3077569 However, RD would never had gotten to that point if the main 6 just talked to her. One scene of the main 6 talking to her and being ignored could have justified EVERYTHING they did, but they didn't include it. For all we know, public humiliation and degrading was their first idea! However, to each their own.
Also, have we met before? You seem familiar, but I don't remember ever meeting someone with a profile picture like this.
3078004 I seem to remember posting a suggestion on one of your first reviews, but I can't find it now. Seventh Element?
3078084 Nope, never reviewed that. Maybe you're confusing me for my friend Spideremblembrony?
3078225 Doesn't ring any bells.
3078329 He also goes by The Critique?
3078335 No, I'm thinking of someone else. No idea who, but someone.
Great review as always, it made me laugh, but yeah the problems in this review are things I've heard before and thought as I watched it. Not all episodes are master pieces but this episode's lesson wasn't executed well, as stated Applejack or somepony should have said something to Rainbow, but Rainbow should have been more of an attention whore. Instead we get the equivalent of a social media shamming event, in which the victim like most people that deal with it, really didn't do any wrong or offensive. Yet in the end they must either submit and beg for forgiveness or wait for it to blow over,which may take a long long time.
If Bronycon only focused on Rainbow dash, I'd be more invested then ever to go there!
Anyways, I actually think this is a great episode.
It's in my top 8 of season 2.
3175780 Did you like the review though?
3175811 Yeah.
Oh God, I hate that story, and more still, I hate how some fans took the moral to heart. Jesus. This fanbase doesn't seem to get that harranging your friends because of perceived arrogance is probably more arrogant than the supposed arrogance of the "friend", because it is believing that one is morally superior enough to punish somebody whom one has no authority over because one views himself/herself as being more humble than the somebody being punished.
If the Mane Six keep doing this to RD, she'd better go and make some new friends.
clipartbest.com/cliparts/yco/gq8/ycogq8Agi.jpeg
Shh, it's okay honey. My ex-friends used to do the same things to me too. I know how it feels. Good friends do tell you the cold, hard truth and may even actively stop you if you're being a dick, but good friends also don't be five times the dick you are back at you for bullshit reasons that have little to do with them and everything to do with their massive egos.
Aaah, Nazi Zombies. One of the most entertaining game modes I've ever played...
"They're swarming, look out!"
'Insert badass Beauty of Anihillation here.'