Spolier for the end of Green Fields · 8:01pm Nov 7th, 2014
In the midst of the sobbing, a voice as soft as if sung like a lullaby was heard. The crying of Ben's friends. The mourning of his special somepony, the very soft voice of Cadance echoed through the sadness with her softest voice painted by the sadness of her own, only comforted by Captain Shining Armor.
"This day was going to be perfect, The kind of day of which I've dreamed since I was small. But instead of all the love, from all my friends and all above; a day of mourning this have turned for a friend so loved by all." she sung, and Vinyl screamed.
That sounds beautiful. The rhyming is a little difficult, given what you have; I would need some more context from the story to be able to give a good suggestion on what to change, though.
I will say that I think you've improved greatly from the beginning, based on this.
2579993 What my readers will find out is a very... "strange" trope of mine: My stories NEVER end happily. But the question is; how will Ben die?
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I like stories that end bittersweetly. There are no sunshine and rainbows, but the character is happy or satisfied in their own right. My first story is probably the only one that ended exactly as I'd hoped. Oh, I should also mention that I don't plan anything with my stories; I simply write them however I'm feeling at the time. I have no clue how it will end, so I'm often just as shocked at my decisions as the reader would be.
I also hope Ben doesn't die by drowning.
2581934 Yeaaaah, I made that joke... but he will die in some way. And I plan everything in my chapters while I'm at work.
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That would explain the grim outlook you have in most things you write.
2582203 Like you said: Not every story ends with sunshine and rainbows. But I can spoil that Vinyl will be Ben's lover.
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For what good it's worth, seeing as he's not going to be around much longer.
2582208 I plan on the story to end at "A Canterlot Wedding" but I will have a lot of things happen in between. More or less a year and a half then his death. I'm changing a lot and I'm going to upload a second version as soon as I'm finished with chapter 1 and 2 as well as the chapters that were supposed to tell his entrance to Equestria. Problem: I'm exhausted after the amount of stress that I have at work. We're understaffed and I'm a lone gravedigger on a big graveyard.