Review: Fallout Equestria: Tales of a Dashite, Chapter 1

So, a few of you may know that Fallout: Equestria is my personal favorite flavor of MLP:FiM fan-fiction. I try to leave constructive criticism on every one I see pop-up on the 'recently added' list, and I love to see what people can make of this amazing setting. Generally, they aren't that good... The norm in our current status quo, is that FoE fics are the same thing over and over, trying to re-capture the magic of Kkat's original or Project Horizons (generally to no avail).

So, my conundrum is this: trying to wade through the river of fics that is the FoE sub-genre, and trying to pan me some gold (in the form of quality literature).

Recently, a new author (generally speaking). Reached out to me and asked me to do a review of his fic. I, wanting to make all FoE fics great, and believing that if you pour your heart out into working on something, it deserves an appropriate amount of attention in response, have decided to start doing episodic reviews of his story chapter-by-chapter. So, without further adieu, here is my review of the description and Chapter 1 of Fallout Equestria: Tales of a Dashite, by unspokenpaper.

So, I started looking at the description and a few things became apparent. First and foremost, his cover-art looks like almost every other FoE fic's cover art. In fact, I think I have seen that same picture on another person's story. It's not that big of a deal, I mean you can have the same cover art as someone else... But really, the cover art being as generic as other fics gives me the impression that it is going to be as generic as other fics.

War in the Equestrian Wasteland never changes... Or does it?

Heh, going the MGS approach, eh? Not too generic, but just cheesy enough to make me cringe a little.

This is the tale of Stand Bold, a respected member of the Enclave.

Alright, Coolname McBadass over here is locked and ready to go. I'm game.

Head of Research and Development at Type 40 Industries, and Captain of his Infantry Company, 4/118th, Charliehorse.

According to the author's bio, he is active military, so expect some military stuff. I'm actually pretty excited, maybe with his experience, the author can provide a new, and innovative angle on the genre. One from an accurate military standpoint.

The rest of the description goes on about how he makes talismans for some company. It also summarizes the first chapter, and asks the usual hook questions of, "Will he survive?" and "Or will this evil plot plunge the wasteland into a millennium of darkness?" That last one sounds pretty old-timey-cerealy, kinda like a Flash Gordon type deal. You know, mad super-villains and all.

Now to delve into the actual first chapter! And strap yourselves in, it is going to be a long (and hopefully not bumpy) ride. (5,000+ words. Damn.)

So, this first chapter is entitled 'Change'. Really innovative there. Boy, I wonder if there is going to be an established status quo that is inevitably going to be broken. I have no idea. Really.

You can clearly see the author's influences here, as he includes a quote at the beginning of his work (reminiscent of Somber). I personally love Somber's work as well (as he is one of my biggest influences), so I have high-hopes for this.

Before I go on with this, I am just going to say that I am not going to be reviewing grammar, spelling, and punctuation. This piece of writing has many errors scattered throughout, and this review would be exponentially bigger if I included them. I'll just leave this video instead of talking about it. Really though, author. Get an editor. (I wonder if I know any editors that are interested in work *self-promotes*)

Onto the actual story!

The first few paragraphs are his 'War Never Changes' speech. Basically some ground-pony fucks decided to like... make Pinkie Pie esque flying machines and they are all like "Fuck you, Enclave!" And then... they get brutally murdered by Enclave soldiers. So, really that is the author's reason for the 'war doesn't change' shtick. I guess since ponies murder ponies war has now changed. Well... I mean, relatively, yeah... but... not really. It's still equines brutally murdering other equines, striped or not.

The next few paragraphs explain the protagonist, Stand Bold's position and establishes the aforementioned status quo. The author decides to write in my least-favorite trope. The 'have-the-narrator-describe-themselves-in-a-mirror-to-an-incredibly-narcissistic-extent-because-I-am-too-lazy-to-find-a-more-creative-way-to-describe-his-appearance' trope.

Our hero is an officer in the Enclave National Guard. And denounces the whole thing as a 'weekend-soldier'-y type organization throwing parades and shit. Bold is in-charge of a bunch of fuck-wits who get drunk and party all the time. Not very surprising I guess. So, they have their meeting, and like... 2/3 of them show up. And apparently:

More often than not, there were quite a few stragglers to the second day. Friday nights were usually reserved for partying at drill. So most everypony would either be hungover, or still hammered from the night before.

Lolwut? 'Still hammered from the night before'? Jebus, that means that they must have been like... constantly consuming alcohol all night and into early morning. Those pegasi sure have iron livers.

Also, this:

Star Dasher came in reeking of booze and strippers, as usual. The sickening scent of cold cuts and broken dreams clinging to her still drunk hide.

Pfffft, what? I like how he can smell the strippers on her. Like strippers have a very distinct smell. I wonder if he goes up to random ponies, and is like, "Yup, she's a stripper. Trust me, I can smell it." For that matter what would a pony have to strip-off? I mean they could put clothes on to then take off... but... what's the point? Also... cold cuts? Like... salami? I'm pretty sure deli meats are irrelevant here, author.

So, Captain Bold here goes through his daily routine filled with looking at his filing cabinet, and answering calls. One of said calls being very important to the plot. Some General calling about... wait... what?

It says here on my sheet that there is viscosity throughout the gel layer. Our optics are totally fried. And do not even get me started on the power supply."

Huh? Wha? Okay. First off, this is some Data-level techno-babel, and let me explain why.

Why would it matter if there is viscosity throughout the gel layer? The word 'gel' implies that it will be viscous. I thought talismans were crystals? Why would they need optical sensors or better yet power supplies? I guess I can let this slide... I mean, earlier the author wrote that Pip-Bucks can come off as easy as taking off a bracelet so, I'm not going to get all 'rage-nerd' on the lore here.

So, according to command, he needs to fix his shitty talisman A.S.A.P. So, they will personally fly him out to fix it. Doesn't seem suspicious at all. Totally logical.

So, Bold's dream of being a talisman engineer coming to a reality, he quickly sets of to get picked up. The verti-buck picks him up and drops him off in the middle of nowhere on the clouds. He's all like, "WTF, BRAH?" and then another ship comes out of the clouds, and he gets a hard on for this 'i'm-pretty-sure-is-going-to-be-a-love-interest' mare. I forgot her name already, her personality left that little of a dent on me. Anyways, he boards this thing, and guess what. He can't talk to girlz. D'awww how adorkable. *gags*

Im Doctor-er, Captain Stand Bold! I'm eager to fix your talismans!

If you know what I mean. *wink wink* *nudge nudge*

Derpa-hurpa-durpa, he gets on the ship. Oh yeah, then some shit happens.

Running.... I was running? WHY WAS RUNNING!

I don't know, why was running? Seriously. You and your pre-reader couldn't catch this?

So he's running away or some shit. He got his cutie mark branded off, and he is now a dashite. Oh yeah, he has amnesia now. Because plot? I dunno, anyways, the guards are total storm-troopers, and manage to hit everything except for our dashing hero. And, he opens the fire escape, which triggers sprinklers? Yup. Seems legit. And he escapes. Easy as that. So, that's where his segment of the story ends and where I start to get a bit angry.

So, miss love-interest from earlier was apparently in charge of the whole 'don't-let-our-captive-escape' thing, which she totally botched. And General McEmperorPalpetine doesn't seem too pleased. He tells her that she has to go get him back or else she is like, denounced or some shit. And she is shunned by a few ponies before she goes out to go get him.

The chapter wraps up there, but what really pisses me off is that when Bold's part is over, he switches to third person. Why? It might just be a pet-peeve of mine, but I hate rusty perspective changes. Why not change to her perspective instead of going into third person? Really? It disorients the reader, and can really confuse and irritate people, including yours truly.

*sighs* Finally, let's get the level up over with.

So one of the saving graces of this story for me is this:

New Perk: Dashite - You start out with the perk Magical Power Armor Training. (And at the GM's discretion, you may start out with access to a suit of Enclave Power Armor.) You are branded as a Dashite and no longer have your cutie mark. Additionally, you gain a -10 to all stats and karma when dealing with enclave citizens, and a +10 when dealing with any other Dashite. This trait is subject to GM approval.

That's from Kkat's FoE PnP system, which I absolutely adore. It made me smile to read it, like this is the author's RPG character or something.

Well, my final verdict of this chapter? It honestly could have been shorter. There was a lot of unnecessary fluff here, and even though the author chose a different approach to the 'out-of-the-stable' chapter, it could have been a lot more fluid. The grammar and punctuation were big road-bumps for me, as my editor senses were tingling at every single one. But really, narratively speaking, the author is competent, and you can really tell he put a lot of love into every keystroke. Personally, as much as I have criticized this fic, I can't wait to read more. Until next time, I'm signing off.

Peace, and don't forget to keep writing!

Comments

[unspokenpaper]

So, I rewrote this chapter... like totally redid ALOT. It's a bit longer, parts have been dropped, more detail has been added. Hopefully, most of the minor punctuation errors have been smoother out. Overall, I thing it's far better than before.

I'm reworking chapter two and three as well. I'm trying to think of some ways I can make the whole "ermergerd I kirredda poni" scene better in ch. And I'm trying to make tulip trestle have more of an impact on the story.