- Member Since 12th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 6th, 2021
unspokenpaper
Hey gang, im Paper. Im 23, junior at a military college, and a military brony. I've served in the Army in some facet since 2009. Im a fresh writer, so comment up the story brohammer!
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Remember to space out your paragraphs and whenever somepony is talking. Ex:
"Doesn't it remind you of her?" Fluttershy asked while holding a rainbow colored butterfly.
"Sugar cube, she's-" however Applejack stopped herself once she saw a tear trickling down her friend's cheek.
Hope this helps.
Seem's legit. But how many Fallout Equestria's are there?
4679246
Around 800.
You all are saying to add an extra space between paragraphs? As in hitting the enter button twice instead of once?
And thanks for the words of encouragement. Another user messaged me and said not to worry about the dislikes.
I'll be honest, this is very much going a lot better than I had expected! I just wish there were more comments criticizing the work. Or comments highlighting parts the reader enjoyed!
Anyhow, thanks for the comments, and I hope you all enjoy the later chapters if you stick around for them!
4679246 At the moment, there are 346 Fallout: Equestria stories added to the official group, but I'm sure quite a few fall between the cracks, get added to one of the many other Fo:E groups and not this one, aren't on this site to begin with, etc.
tl;dr There's a lot, but very few of them are actually complete
4679246
Never enough.
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Come on man, where's your normal analysis and subsequent freak out over a pegasus OC? Alright freak out may not be the right word, but I know you love your Dashite/Enclave/just wasteland pegasus protagonists.
4680999
And I'm doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen anymore, I'd Rainbow Salute here if I could.
4681347
To be fair, this freak out isn't subsequent. An analysis mostly starts with it.
4680536
Yes, they mean using the ENTER key twice. In theory, it should look like this:
And where you usually did this, at the end of a paragraph cluster, you should do a horizontal line to indicate the gap in time. And when I say horizontal line I mean one you came up with yourself (such as xxxx_xxxx or something like that) because this side's HRs have a habit of turning invisible from time to time, thereby screwing up the spacing.
I can't see anything really bad with this story. Although the amnesia thing is something people apparently don't like that much (don't ask me why). What I found a bit irritating was the perspective change at the end of chapter 1. You jump from 1st person to 3rd person narration. That makes the story seem inconsistent, since we as readers can't know what the 1st person character really knows. It's easier to keep track when you have a fixed narration point.
I think on what you can cut back is the RP-style: sure, keep level-ups and even the skills, but you don't have to constantly give us ALL his stats. Those serve no direct purpose. This is a story after all, not an RP, even if you got your inspiration from one.
I'll like this story, even if it's another Dashite one. (Seriously, can no enclave pony be ever a protagonist of anything?) And I would like to read further chapters.
Next round!
I have to say, formatting has improved a lot. The only four things I would also recommend doing are:
1: make the quote at the beginning of your chapter italic. It isn't a rel part of the text, so you need to separate it from it. Just to please the eyes.
2: I don't see a need to indent every paragraph. Maybe just the ones at the beginning of a larger sense-segment. Like after a jump in time. But that's just my personal opinion, everybody does it how he/she wants do do it.
3: You could fuse some of your paragraphs to have larger paragraphs. This is also a personal opinion, I think big (ca. 10 lines) paragraphs look somehow better sometimes. It gives the story a touch of professionalism.
4: You mastered the art of spacing out your paragraphs. But I would also recommend doing some kind of horizontal line (no the side's ones! One of your own) to highlight gaps in your narration.
I would suggest something like this:
again, just a persona preference.
And now for the actual chapter:
Well... I don't have anything to criticize on this account. I liked it The characters, what happened....
Just continue.
Drastic revisions were made to the first chapter. Theres more content added to do away with the "talking heads" feeling that I got from the chapter. Please, have another read through. Tell your friends to take a look as well!
4768998
Took a stab at fixing the issues you mentioned. You should have a read over chapter one again. I think it sounds a lot better. No more 'talking heads' feelings to it lol.
This is good. It started off a bit slow but I look forward to more.
4927967 thanks bro. Sadly, I've been busy with school these past few weeks, so i havent had a chance to really get into the next chapter. Rest assured, we will see more!
thankss for the like!!
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4939091
So, not to put you on the spot or anything, but I was wondering if you had any critiques that may lead to an improvement to the story.
4951341 nothing that I can think of.
this comment was longer then I planned. Oh well...
I cant realy comment about spelling or anything (not that I can see any mistakes with it) because my spelling is absolutely horrifyingly bad. I have no idea how to improve this. The only thing I would say is in the next chapter or 2 give a story behind some of the sideline characters or add some twist to one of the friendly characters. But that is just my opinion on what would cause me to see what happens next. But meh, thats just my opinion. Personaly I would ask a few random people that same question and see if they say the same or similar comments. If so, work those ideas into the story.
4953464 then longer the better! Any and all feedback is great.
I've also been trying to think of a way I can introduce a companion who will stick by his side through better or worse and not get killed off immediately. Originally it was going to be morning grace but then I decided her current role would be better. So I came up with Tulip but without even thinking I murdered her lol
Right now I'm working on a journey up the Hoofington river. I want to stay accurate to established cannon in horizons and the original. But I also want to add more to the world.
4962815 if I can think of anything that could help or be usefull in adding more to the world I shall inform you.
Wow! This is my favorite chapter yet!
5082511
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it
Just finished reading this chapter for the review... I gotta say... best chapter yet.
Just reading the description I have a lot to go over for this. I'll check the story out sometime.
I'll see if I can get down to reading this tonight.
5909342
Sounds good man, whenever you can. I'd certainly appreciate it.
Probably the biggest lie I ever told on the internet. I may be a critic, but I'm lazy.
I'll go ahead and read some right now since I'm probably not going to do it during the day.
5922766
It'salllllll good mate. I've been working my ass off in school. So I haven't even had a chance to really rewrite the second chapter anyway. I hope you enjoy it! And feel free to rip it apart. Bring the truth, no matter how bad it hurts.
5923065 I got that reference.
5923811
So did you have a chance to see the squalor that is my story?