Hross: Action Cop/Detective/Superhero/Pornstar/FimFiction.net Author/Secret Agent/Part-Time Shrimp Boat Fisherman · 7:59pm Jul 27th, 2014
Well...I had an interesting conversation with a random author on this site earlier today. Here it is:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/206299/what-do-ponies-call-stockholm-syndrome#comment/4760519
Everybody go and follow this dude. Like his stories. And all for little reason more than the fact that I like him personally...so you should all like him, too. At least...I think it's a "him." Could be a..."her"...maybe...err...
Basically, this all led to a weird discussion about me being an action star or some shit. Which led to the following mock trailer:
*cue generic-as-all-fuck Hans Zimmer epic movie soundtrack* DUNH DUNH DUNH Duh!!! Duh! *cue female choir singing pseudo-Latin* Hee haaw hee haaww hahahah!! HEE HAA!!
One man...
"I gotta' save the President's daughter from the Vice President's daughter's evil secretary's evil twin's daughter's cousin!!" Dunh dunh!!!
One mission...
"Yer too hot-headed, Hross! Ya' can't just go in there an' shoot up the place! The Vice President's daughter's evil secretary's evil twin's daughter's cousin has diplomatic immunity! Because...he's...an American foreign national American from South Africa!!" Dunh dunh!
One goal...
"Tell it to the county coroner, Chief. I'm gonna' get the President's daughter back from the Vice President's daughter's evil secretary's evil twin's daughter's cousin with or without your help. Diplomatic immunity...uhh...shitblowmatic impunity...hehehe...yeah..." Dunh dunh!
One destination...
"Oh, Hross...you poor, hot-headed fool!! As your personal psychiatrist turned lover...I can't stand to see you in so much danger! Why can't you just love me?! Love me like a man loves a woman? When that man is a super cool, loose-cannon cop with an insanely attractive, bad-boy attitude and a massive dick?" Dunh Dunh!
One plotline...
"Because, baby....I'm a one-dimensional character with virtually no individually distinguishable traits of my own, and I have like some sort of super brooding-type angst problems and shit. I thought I told you all this when we first started dating. Fuck me...do you ever fuckin' listen?! Gawd! Jeez..." Dunh Dunh!
The final showdown...
"Ahahahah!! I am very sorry, Detective Hross...but you see...I have yet to prepare my house to receive guests, ja? You vill have to come back at a later time, I'm afraid. Also, I'm a German for some reason. Fick los!!" Dunh dunh DUNNH DUNHH DUNHH DUh!!
With a final punch in the face...
"That's too bad, ya' fuckin' Kraut. Because I got a package for ya'...it's a PUNCH TO THE FACE!!!" BAM!!!
It's the blockbuster of the summer!! It's...
Hross: Action Cop/Detective/Superhero/Pornstar/FimFiction.net Author/Secret Agent/Part-Time Shrimp Boat Fisherman!!!
Coming to no theaters near you!!!....because it's...like...fuckin' stupid.
Who wants to see this in the form of a story that's somehow woven in the Equestrian multiverse? Raise of hands? Hmm? Uhh...nobody?...okay...I can take a hint, guys...
I couldn't follow again cause I'm already following, so instead I decided to say "I love you!" on the page.
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You know I love you right back, baby gurl...but...you know we can't be together. You're a bizarre, little Cthulhu pony abomination that still manages to be adorable, and I'm a large, hairy ape-man. Imagine how hideous our children would be! No...ours is a love forbidden...I'm sorry. *sob* Just...just go! Before I change my mind!! *begins eating entire tub of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia*
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I was talking about the person in the blog. o_O
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Oh...*sniff*...okay...whatever! That's fine! I don't even care! *sob*
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It's okay, I love you too!
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*SQUEE!!!* Ya' see that, Grandma?! You were wrong! I'm not gonna' die alone! Now go get your wrinkly, old ass back in the cellar, or I'll beat ya' with the water hose again.
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...What did I just witness? O_O
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images.huffingtonpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/250856/slide_250856_1527002_free.jpg?1347723070000
Don't worry about it. Just hop into my rusty, old windowless van. I've got caaaaannnnddyy!
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Oh dear... um, no thanks.
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If you read my post closely, you'll notice that my sentence was stated as an imperative. Not as a request or offer. So...Get. In. My. Van. Seriously...you'll love it at my place. You can sleep in Grandma's bed right next to the torture rack and meth lab table. She snores, but you'll get used to it. She's pretty old, too...so once she poops off, you won't have to share a urine-stained mattress with her anymore. See? I'm quite the catch, huh? Imagine what you would've missed out on, if you relied on your girlish whimsy and gut instinct and ran like hell. *lightning bolt*
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.*nervously backs away* (I can't decide on if you are being funny or creepy)
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You're leaving? Awww...but dontcha' want any "CANDY?!!"
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What kind of candy is it?
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Love candy. It makes you sleepy and happy. Try some!
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Oh um, do you have anything else instead of that one?
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Yep. I've got a few options you can choose from: You can have a DANGER TICKLE, a struggle cuddle, or a whole lot of Xanax. Choose wisely, my dear...
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The struggle cuddle plz?
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Oh....I could never actually hurt you, pumpkin. Obviously, I was just kidding around with you. Would you like a completely nonviolent, platonic cuddling and a belly tickle? I'd be more than happy to provide.
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Okie!
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*SQUEE!!* C'mere, you! *picks you up into his arms* Aww...you're so light! *hugs*
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*Huggles your face and touches your beard with my macetacles* It feels scratchy!
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Aww...normally, I'd be horrified of tentacles and whatnot. But yours are just precious. *tickles the bottom of your chin* So uh...were you a normal pony once? Ya' know...before your soul was rent asunder by an unspeakable, cosmic aberration? How could he have the heart to do such a thing! *kisses your little forehead*
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*giggles and covers my reddening face with hooves* Yes... I was a normal poni once...
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Awww...you're blushing! My...my heart...hnnnngg....
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*Slowly lowers hooves so you can see the blush, smiles cutely, and then nuzzles your nose.*
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My God...The Cutening...The Cutening...okay...seriously...do you want me to just tear my heart outta' my chest and give it to you already? 'Cuz that's what it seems like you're trying to get at here.
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My Internet daughter has returned to me! Oh, joy of joys!
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yup.
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Aaaaannnnd now I'm tired of you again. Away with you, you little shrew. Shoo!