Sagacious Ordure #2: A Handful Of Errant Musings That Only Serve To Further Cement My Delusional Inanity · 6:30pm Aug 28th, 2014
Here is some timeless wisdom for all you fine people...all three of you...the three of you in that crack den in Detroit. You should be ashamed by the way. Cocaine is expensive, motherfuckers:
1.) Never eat Taco Bell before taking a long road trip or a boarding a cross continental flight. Learn from the mistakes of others lest you be cast in the odorous, tawny void of public toilets and homosexual bathroom propositions therein ever writ upon the walls in marker. Who brings a marker to the shitter for the expressed purpose of writing upon the wall? No one cares about your area code or what your favorite band is. The Cure fucking sucks.
2.) Never wear heavy combat boots when entering a Japanese eatery. Your foot will go right through that fucking floor. The Nips don't build things to support the weight of anyone heavier than 150 lbs. They build things to be cool in summer and to be elegantly delicate as per their cultural dicta. Always take your footwear off before entering, as well. Cast aside your brutish, Northern European sentiments before entering, you white, privileged male patriarchist. Tip your fedora no more a'.
3.) Are you a fat person? Why? Do you eat too much? Stop doing that. Do you never exercise? Start doing that. Be someone who isn't you and lift a weight now and then, you corpulent wretch. I don't want to have to smell your ass sweat on the subway, you amorphous blob of a hominidal shitfuck. Das reel nassy.
4.) Socrates once said that the only thing he knew was that he knew nothing...well...how did he even know that? If he knew nothing, then how did he have the contextual knowledge to know that he knew nothing? For all he knew, he could have known fucking everything. Technically, knowing you're ignorant is knowing something...so that's contradictory in expression. Listen to your student, Plato, next time, you pompous, robe-wearing ass nigga'.
5.) The kind of person who always trusts his farts is the same kind of person who thinks union bosses are only looking out for the worker and have no connections to the Mafia and thinks theatrically comical displays of TV "wrestling" are legit.
6.) Ladies should never play "hard to get." This doesn't work on any man who doesn't wear multiple gold chains around his neck and regularly gets spray-on tans for that Jersey Shore-esque, orange look. If a girl is interested in a guy...then let him know it. If he's not a complete douchenozzle, then he'll be both flattered and affectionate therein resulting. Being actively engaged in pursuing a guy she likes doesn't make a girl "easy" or whatever. It makes her endearing. "Playing games" does not entrance a gender that is known to regularly engage in behaviors as vaunted as watching grown men in shoulder pads slam into one another ritualistically for sport and assailing one another with our hands curled into balls for the expressed purpose of bludgeoning one another into unconsciousness.
7.) The type of person who thinks Rainbow Dash is a lesbian for being tomboyish and having a rainbow-hued mane is the same type of person who could never get that kind of girl due to his being a corpulent neckbeard. By the same logic, Adam Levine should be a raging drag queen. But he's not. He's just Adam Levine...which is really worse in a lot of ways. Do you know what makes a girl a lesbian? Liking other girls. It's really as simple as that. Take that shit to the bank before you write your next sapphic horse fantasy.........you know who you are.
8.) The Turkish language kind of sounds like a cross between Arabic and German...but with even more phlegm involved.
9.) I have no idea what the Dutch word for "sex lube" is...and you know what? I feel a lot safer that way.
10.) In two hundred years, virtually no one will know who Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, or Miley Cyrus even are. But they'll still be talking about Beethoven and Van Gogh. There is likely a good reason for this.
11.) Modern science is no longer about proving the causation between multiple variables in a series of hypotheses in order to validate a theory objectively. It's now about correlatively linking factors with nebulous at best "empirical evidence" in order to validate the most commonly espoused theories of the day for grant money. This is the scientific approximation of denouncing Galileo's theories to better placate the Catholic Church into not lambasting one as a "heretic." Yay, science.
12.) Do you have a tribal tattoo? How about a tattoo that is an Asiatic character in a language you don't speak? If this is indeed the case, may I ask as to why you thought getting such a thing imprinted upon your skin was a wise decision? Here's an idea: The next time you want a tattoo, hang onto the idea for an entire year before getting it. If you still want the tattoo after the whole year is up, then you should get the tattoo. If not, then don't fucking get it.
13.) Why do my followers continue to humor me? Seriously. I literally have no idea why. Am I really that entertaining or insightful? Of course, I am. I'm the goddamn voice of my generation. We're all pretty screwed, aren't we?
14.) JROTC and ROTC do not in any way prepare you for military service. They don't. They. Do. Not. If you legitimately think they do, then you have no business ever attempting to join the military at all.
15.) Robin Williams wasn't funny. His act was the equivalent of a young boy with ADD manically jumping about for prolonged periods whilst spouting out whatever errant delusion came to his childish, little mind. This would be entertaining for a brief period of about thirty seconds...then you get irritated and tell him to sit the fuck down and do his homework.
16.) The modern English language is more fucked up than Buffalo Bill from The Silence Of The Lambs. "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same fucking thing. And so do "confusion" and "confusement." Why? Why is this necessary? Why is the possessive form of "it" not the same as its contractional form? It's weird. At least Spanish is consistent...ish.
As you can all well see, I have naught but mounds of priceless knowledge/idiotic ephemera to impart upon your persons. You should all be forever thankful for this provision of timeless, cosmic vomitus that further detracts from the advancement of our species. I mean...who the hell wants a hover scooter and a cure for pancreatic cancer anyway? Pfft. Whatever.
Got it.
2409299
You fucking better. Or else.
2409414
Of course, your crack den is clean, motherfucker. You're on crack. What're you supposed to be doing? Eating healthy and contributing to society? Were that the case, then you'd smoke meth and snort lines of crushed up urinal cakes like myself.
BECAUSE I'M SO CLEARLY WELL-ADJUSTED!!!!
What?
You forgot that doing drugs whilst operating transportation machinery in ancient societies is the greatest activity one can participate in.
Last night I was stoned driving in the Nogai Horde in 1497, and tomorrow I'm totally smoking crack in the Novgorod Republic in 1178. You should come with me breh. I can think of no better man to join me in my retardedly absurd exploits involving and necessitating narcotics use in different chronological eras and geographical locations across the globe.