Aug
23rd
2014
Unfettered Q&A: Ask Honest Questions, And Get Rude, Mean-Spirited Answers · 12:35am Aug 23rd, 2014
Ask me your reductionist, fucking questions, and I'll answer them with the utmost candor I can muster. In return, I'll ask you all a question that you must answer sincerely as well. Quid pro quo, nigras. All questions/answers are permitted.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Te decet hymnus Deus in Sion,
et tibi reddetur votum in Ierusalem:
exaudi orationem meam,
ad te omnis caro veniet.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
What is your favorite color?
Lavender paisley, motherfucker. No, wait...cerulean. Why? Because it's purdy.
Now...for my question...what's the one weird thing you do when you think no one's watching?
2392844 Talk to myself or sing.
2397193
That's just adorable. Not at all weird or anything. You're too normal, girl. Try whacking passersby with raw squid at a fish market while screaming in French. That should even you out a bit.
2397217
2397219
Awww...I bet you sing Taylor Swift to yourself in your bathroom mirror. You're too goddamn cute, girl. You're cuter than two fuzzy, little baby goats playing tug o' war with a sock. That's too cute...you'll go into a-cute renal failure and experience a cuteness overload of your adora-glands, if you don't combat this cuddliness. As your doctor, I prescribe no less than six minutes of some of the most violent and ugly music known to man:
It's going to be a long road to recovery from post-cute stress, but I think we're going to make it just fine. Remember to occasionally use random ethnic slurs for no good reason and to reveal yourself in public while calling everyone a "faggot." You're going to be just fine.
2397267 Hah, well I'm not all cute.
2401308
You're not? Ha. Bullshit. Prove it. Prove it with your proof that proves otherwise.......................................................................................proof.
Proof.
2402092
I watched Cinema Snob critic Driller and the Nostalgia Critic critic Barb Wire and some of the Child's Play movies.
2402784
Girl, that ain't proof of nothin'. I don't exactly know what those things are you described (in the exception of Child's Play), but liking certain things doesn't disvalue your cuteness. You're still goddamn adorable. It's actions and demeanor that define one's vulnerability. Take me for example. I'm a 250 lbs bearded Neanderthal who used maintain and fire various fire support weapons and have iced quite a few insurgents overseas. And I look like someone went and shaved an albino gorilla but did a half-assed job. It doesn't get any less cute than that. See?
2403147 I've also wrestled my brother and have a scar on my chest to prove it.
2403178
Awww...that's adorable! Where'd you get the scar?
2403181 From my brother's fingernails. Those things are sharp!
2403187
Damn. Is your brother a fucking wolverine or something?
And being a tomboy only makes you all the more adorable, you see. Why do you think everybody loves Rainbow Dash? She's rad.
2403204
Also, for my brother maybe. However I think that he may as well be a kitten with really sharp claws.
2403213
Jesus. How old is he? Tell him to use a fucking nail clipper or something. Fingernails are dirty. You could get a pretty rank infection. I actually got a really nasty scar from a wild dog in the Philippines. Granted, that's a dog and not a human...but the principle still applies.
2403217 He's nine and doesn't like nail clippers.
Also, how big was the dog?
2403230
Wow. Little savage isn't he? Bet he'll be mounting heads on pikes when he gets older. Yeesh. Hey, why not try shaving his hair into a mohawk or something? It'd fit him.
Time for a morbid anecdote:
The dog was about 100 lbs or so, and it was some Asiatic/European mutt with a bad case of mange. I was on point with my squad as part of a Weapons Platoon sent to Basilan to support the government after the 2009 Islamic coup. We got our convoy hit with a Carl Gustav recoilless rifle on the highway and lost our supporting Filipino soldiers in the blast. Those guys took the brunt of the blast, so they all got wasted. We got out of the truck and blasted the militants, but we were stranded out on the highway about ten miles from our FOB. We basically had to cut through the nearby suburbs all the while getting ambushed by pockets of Islamic assholes. It was this one backyard to this shitty, old house with a big mound of trash next to it. I popped over the fence and cleared it.
But that fucking dog came running out of the trash before I could even react. He was like a damn rocket or something. He dug into my right shin with his toe nails and cut right through my trouser leg and skin like hot butter. Dogs in third world countries don't have blunt nails like here in the States. They've got nails like stiletto knives. Little shit was trying to jump up at my throat, but I grabbed him by his muzzle and tossed his mangy ass back onto his trash heap. I considered lighting him up with my 240, but the mortars had stopped, so any nearby militants would hear the shots. Couldn't risk it. Once the little bastard realized he couldn't take me down, he ran right back into the trash heap. Apparently, he was defending his "territory" or something.
His nails had cut me almost down to the bone, and I was bleeding all the way down into my boot and my damn sock. I had to staunch it with a roll of cotton from my IFAK until we could fight our way back to the FOB to see a Corpsman. When the doc looked over my leg, he said I had the initial stages of a pretty nasty infection. Not a surprise, when you consider that the perpetrator was a trash-dwelling wild dog in a tropical country that smelled like moldy cheese and ass. The doc was able to sterilize it and save my leg, but I had to change boots. My right boot was completely soaked through and ruined. From then on, my squad leader, Sgt. Griffin, referred to me as "Dogmeat." He said it was a reference to a video game or something that I didn't know anything about. Real classy, Sgt. Hey, at least we didn't lose anybody in our squad. Too bad about our Filipino army bros, though. RIP, guys.
I hope this elegiac narrative was entertaining, madame. It's all pretty funny with hindsight.
2403282 Bro likes mohawks.
And wow, so you were in the army like my dad or something? Neat.
Lastly, I think Dogmeat was a reference to Fallout 3 or something like that.
2403309
I was with the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit, 2nd Battalion, 7th Marines, Weapons Company out of Cp. Schwab, Okinawa as a quick reaction force detachment.
Your dad was in the army? Cool. What was his job/MOS?
Fallout 3? Huh. Heard something about it from a friend. Thanks for clearing that up. I don't play video games or anything, so I was kind of lost there.
2403350
You must be busy.
Infantry
No problem.
2403369
Right now I am. I'm taking Psyche pre-med courses and working full time. But back in the infantry, 3/4 of the time we weren't doing a damn thing. Just sitting around the smoke pit and dicking around, really. If you weren't cleaning weapons or going on a field op, you had virtually nothing to do...that is...if some douchenozzle from the headquarters building didn't snatch you up for a working party to pick up cigarette butts or do landscaping. Or even worse...clean the head...*shudder* Ask your dad about that stuff. He probably knows exactly what I'm talking about. Speaking of your dad, do you know what type of grunt he was? Rifleman? Assaultman? I was an 0331 machine gunner myself, meaning I used a bunch of fast-shooting shooty bang bangs that were hard as hell to clean and were heavy as fuck to carry on long humps across country.
2403386
Paratrooper.
2403397
82nd or 101st Airborne? Ah, you probably don't want to talk about all this stuff. Sorry. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has the personal context to be invested in this stuff.
2403421 It's okay.
My dad's at work but my guess is 82nd.
2403427
Hey, cool. Met a couple of those guys a ways back. They're pretty decent. Never went to jump school myself. Oh well.
Actually, I have to get to work on this syllabus quiz for my classes now. Sorry. By the way, what should I call you for a nickname? I was going to go with "Freaky", but that sounds too...pejorative and weird.
2403437 Most people just call me Poke.
What do you think of stoned driving in antiquity?
2403443
They do? Well, that's just inappropriate.
2403474
Dude. What is up with that? Is that a reference or something? Or are you just weird as shit? It's okay, baby...you can tell me...I can keep a secret. *seductive giggle*
2403710 I am undoubtedly just very idiosyncratic. So how about stoned driving in the Tang Dynasty of ancient china?
2405250
Meh. I prefer the Han Dynasty. Now that was a politically stable as fuck regency, nigga'.
2405251 Would you go with me to drive around stoned in the 8th century Ummayad Caliphate?
ANSWER ME FOOL
2405875
Hells, no, dude. The desert sucks. Let's go drive around 10th century Scandinavia. Pick up some Viking women and drink some mead, nyuggah.