[REVIEW] [COMMENTARY] This one isn't going to be funny

This will be, in part, a review of Backwards Through the Mirror by RustyTheBrave. Those who have started paying some attention to my posts here because I tend to toss in a bit of fun and lighthearted humor will likely be somewhat surprised at the content of the rest of this post, you have been warned.

Let's talk for a moment about PTSD.

No, actually, I'll give you a little peak into the existence of someone with PTSD.

There are soldiers with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and they have (and deserve) my respect. There are survivors of natural disasters that have PTSD, and they have my sympathy. Sometimes victims of violent crimes develop PTSD, especially if the perpetrator isn't caught, and they have my empathy. There are victims of abuse who have PTSD, and I am one of them.

The life of a person with PTSD is to live with the sense that everything is a lie. You see, the brain, when it pulls up a memory, functionally relives it and the ol' gray matter can't tell the difference between the memory and the actual event. Memories we are comfortable with tend to be played over and over again, but it's easy to tell the difference between the memory that our mind believes is real and reality, because the two seldom match. Those with PTSD, however, have a severe, traumatic event seared into their brain, one that triggers a primal response that demands fight or flight, and in the cases of those who are constantly exposed to this, the conscious mind, recognizing that neither fight NOR flight are appropriate, force the brain to ignore those impulses. Over time, the mental dissonance creates a neat, tidy little trap. Either there is a threat, or there isn't. The instincts are screaming one thing, the conscious awareness is screaming another, and you have the reality of the non-memory world telling you one reality and you have the traumatic event(s) replaying over and over and over and over and over and over and over telling you a whole separate reality. By the time the trauma is done, by the time reality settles in to something that is actually safe, you can't trust it. After all, what is real when you have two versions of "real" pounding at your awareness?

And sleep...sleep is no refuge. What most people call "nightmares" are frightening. To the sufferer of PTSD, "night-terrors" comes closer to what the every-night experience is. With your conscious mind shut off and the stimuli of the physical world no longer feeding your senses, the memories of trauma have full reign. I'm probably the only person I know who didn't watch The Walking Dead after the first few episode because it was just not very frightening. I've had too many zombie apocalypse dreams to count, with death, violence, gore, and the complete breakdown of society (this was before The Walking Dead hit Netflix but after Left4Dead came out), and they still only rank as dark entertainment. I've dreamt of the world splitting in half, of being murdered on the street, and having my identity stolen to the level that my own wife doesn't recognize me, and still none of them hold a candle to my PTSD-induced night-terrors.

What causes PTSD is deeply personal, and it will differ from case to case. In my case, it was abuse at the hands of my stepmother. My wife, who is the nicest, friendliest person in the whole world, who embodies patience and love, would gladly...perhaps not end my stepmother's life, but if the woman was about to die and only my wife could help her, the bitch would die. And my wife has only ever met her once, in a controlled space, in public, in the open. Because everyone present knew without a shadow of a doubt that putting my stepmother and any member of my family, especially my wife and daughter, would be dangerous.

Not, by the way, because of what my stepmother would do. But because what I would do to protect my family.

Because in the darkest hours of the night, I'll wake up from a night-terror. In these dreams, I'm back in her home, and the last twenty years were the dream, made all the more horrible because the healing and joy and love I've experienced in the last twenty years is wiped out in an instant.

There is an episode of the show Angel (yes, the Buffy spinoff) in Season 5 called Underneath. In it, a character is sentenced to Hell. His personal hell is to have a perfect, loving, happy family. Everyday he does the same, wonderful, perfect things with his loving, perfect family. It's the picture of peace and joy. And then his "wife" asks him to retrieve a lightbulb from the basement. And the music, the character's face, the lighting, all change to let you know that what waits in the basement isn't a lightbulb. Later in the episode you find out it's a torture chamber. Every night, he's strapped to a table, his chest is cut open, and his heart is carved out. And every morning, he wakes up in bed with "his perfect family," whole, intact, and aware that at the end of the day, his "wife" is going to ask him to retrieve a lightbulb from the basement...

On waking up from a night-terror, as with any dream, it lingers. For minutes, I'm still trapped, in my mind, in that stupid little house on that frustrating little street in that oblivious little neighborhood in that suburban little town outside Denver, CO. I'm afraid to move, aware that what I think I should be experiencing and what I'm actually experiencing are two different things. My heart is racing and aching, afraid that if I reach out across the bed in search of my wife that she might not be there, that I really will be still 16 and trapped with a woman who abuses me in ways that don't show on the body and that I can't really remember and that my beautiful daughter was just a figment of my imagination...

I want you to watch something:

OK, so, commentary over.

So why did I go through all that, relive the sliver of hell my life for you?

To review a fanfic.

As a story, Backwards Through The Mirror is a good story with a great arc and lots of good scenes. It's written by a fairly inexperienced author, but it's clear they've got talent and are willing to work it, as with each posted chapter the writing gets better and better, narrative copouts to move the story along are used less and less, and things like punctuation, spelling, grammar, word choice, etc. improve steadily over the course of the fic.

By way of style, I'd say my major criticism here is the lack of effect breaks between story arcs. I'd really like to see something more like what WandererD has done with The Three Sisters or RealityCheck has done with his Past Sins continuations, that is to break up the major story arcs into their own story entries on FimFiction.net. There are clearly spots where it's not just another chapter but another major break in the narrative (Returning to the Society does NOT flow well into Procedural Crime Drama Serial Killer Hunt)

Additionally, it seems like the author's sense of time is...skewed. At times the characters seem to be nearly exactly like they were when Twilight was taken, at others they're supposed to be aged ten-odd years. It's not huge, but it can be jarring if you're not mentally prepared to adjust (say) the age of the CMC down from what the author says they are supposed to be so they are actually age-level peers to the new OC. Going by the author's stated time frame, the CMC's should be at least 20 and have their cutiemarks by the time the OC is introduced as being only the same age as the CMCs were introduced in the show.

A final and very minor irritation, Shining Armor and Cadance are just...not there. As in, Shining was never born and apparently Cadance wasn't either. While I can kinda understand not wanting to adapt headcanon this late in the game, it is doable and it would have been awesome to see the author adapt the story around the new characters. (I've seen other authors do it, and when it's done well it's done EXCEEDINGLY well!)

As far as the story goes, I actually really enjoyed it. It's a fresh take on the idea of "changelings" and the later chapters where the canon-changelings show up and encounter the much more battle-hardened and vicious "ponies" where they once could easily expect easy meals was just awesome. (Side note: This only proves my point about how the author could have included Shining & Cadance if they wanted to and have it still be awesome)

For those who haven't read any of this (or the connected chapters in The Sweetie Chronicles, which is how I found this fic, btw) spoiler free plot synopsis is thus: Twilight Sparkle, having freshly defeated Discord, is on her way back to Ponyville when she's taken by agents of The Beast. She's sold as a slave on a fae market to The Librarian, and over the course of time she' was incarcerated her body is tortured and the "magic" of the realm changes her physically until she resembles the fairy creatures as much as a unicorn pony. She escapes with the aid of a mysterious helper fox, apparently killing The Librarian in the process, and the story begins with her return to Equestria and overcoming the obstacles to re-integrating into "normal" life.

Synopsis over, spot-analysis begins now:

The use of the Burning Library and The Librarian to be Twilight's own personal hell is rather clever, as books are Twilight's refuge and, short of her friends, the one thing she derives the most comfort from in life. Having an apparently immortal being torture you with the love of your life is a truly evil manipulation and is damned effective.

Which brings me to my one real caveat about this fic:

It's not a good portrayal of a PTSD character.

Sure, EVERYTHING is set up so the reader knows Twilight is supposed to be suffering PTSD from her experience in The Burning Library, but it's just not well sold to the reader. WandererD, who also didn't sell a PTSD Sweetie Bell very well, did a frankly better job of showing a character with deep mental scars that affect their every waking moment and drive them to insomnia just so they can escape the night-terrors just a little bit longer.

So to make a long review short, if you have PTSD and have finished therapy for it, this fic will be a good catharsis vehicle for you. You'll be able to see a triumphant hero overcome the hell in their own mind without ever truly escaping it and still remain honorable, noble, and great. If you have PTSD and HAVEN'T gone through therapy, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. It will only anger you, and it will be hard for you to deal with as it strips the scabs off your mental wounds. If you don't have PTSD, this will be a good adventure story with war-genre overtones that you should enjoy for some of the shipping elements and the Procedural Crime Drama in the middle if nothing else.

Finally, I'd recommend you take a listen to "What's Happening to Me?" (Track 22) from the album Archangel by the group Two Steps from Hell as a possible theme song to this fic. You'll understand when you listen to it. ;)

Comments

[Wanderer D]

I'm working on getting that through with Sweetie better, might have to come over and have a chat with you at some point. Interesting review!