Angsty, Whiny, Emo Rant · 8:46am Jun 4th, 2014
I'm not looking for compliments or any of that other crap that some people do for stuff like this, I just want to vent.
Despite the fact that I have a loving family and pretty much perfect friends, I just feel, lately, worthless. I'm twenty three, so I know there's plenty of time in my life for things to change, but two dead-end jobs, meager pay, insultingly high loans from a college that goes out of its way not to help me, and just being very, physically, lonely.
I may have great friends, but they live far away. Hugs from family can only do so much when peer closeness is so horribly lacking. Other than sounding like a goddamn robot when I even say it, I just hate being so far from most of my best friends: I have two local friends I hang out with a lot, but they're not really the kinds to just cling on. The closest friends I could comfortably ask for a hug when I'm feeling like shit are literally states away. That only enhances the struggles when it comes to the frustrating job situation that would grant me more time with any of those friends.
It blows that I've been a reliable and active employee at both of my jobs, and I still make less than ten dollars an hour at even the highest paying of those jobs. It is absolutely frustrating that even after applying to dozens of places over the past few years, less than a handful even email back a rejection notice. Most of them keep me sitting in a frustrating limbo of silence. Being poor sucks, and I'm not horribly poor, just poor enough to be called poor. There are definitely those who have it worse and I pity them, which is ironic because I bet a lot of them pity that I am as unhappy as I am, despite my better financial situation. Even my hobbies are affected.
I am medicated for my depression, and I hate going to the doctor. I always have anxiety when it comes to going to any doctor, so I don't know if my dosage is correct, but I do know that I'm still depressed, which is only half of my issues. I'm sure my anxiety is lessened by my medicine, but it still peeks through, as I imagine it always will. Depressed, anxious, and fatalist, cynical and sometimes irritable, it kind of is a train wreck that leads to lack of productivity outside of the daily (sometimes literal) grind.
This is probably part of my lack of updates, alongside the fact that my everyday work schedule leaves me all but lethargic. I love photography, I have taken photos only a couple times over the last year. I love drawing, and lately it's been a minor escape. I love video games and computer games, but even that has become mostly idle farming if I am doing anything on those. I love writing and I've had nothing but scattered pieces to submit as of late. Two submissions to prove I'm not dead, cobbled together as good as possible. Are they strong? I doubt it. I tried to make this last one pretty strong, because the topic is a constant fear for me (I have a sibling who I have always feared may struggle with it,) but even when all my passion pours into my writing, there's still a distance. I do not want to end this project for many reasons, not being "done" is a big part of it.
But at the end of the day, a little teensy fan fiction on the internet seen by less than fifteen thousand people (not that 12k between two sites is anything to scoff at) is literally the biggest achievement in my mind, because it is a long term project that I have successfully carried out, mostly on my own (I say mostly because I have had friendly input and of course a very helpful editor, even if I haven't heard from them in a while.) So it all stacks up, and I guess that's proof that writing is where I need to be that so many things tell me to give up and quit, but I just won't. However, even with all the pride and achievement I feel from this project, life as a whole just has me feeling hollow.
It'd be one thing if it had felt temporary, but the last time I was just okay with life, and felt like I didn't have a reason to feel like a complete piece of garbage was back when this story took off. The last time I wasn't concerned about every single aspect of my life reaches back to sometime in or before high school. The better half of a decade in constant cynicism despite having tried to look up on more than one occasion is just grating. I don't expect to be the best at anything, but I hate feeling like the worst at so many things, life in general being one among them.
Sorry to have wasted your time, but I needed to breathe a little fire (or at least whimper under my breath a bit.) Will anyone read this? Maybe. Will anyone care? Possibly. Will it matter in the end? I don't really know. I just know that things are frustrating, and I have to hope Safetysuit was right in that song up there.
Things happen man.
Personally, this is why I keep to "Don't give a shit about nuthin".
Mostly that is done through avoiding any stress producing projects.
Bunkering inside a solid fortress of ice cream and stone helps to a degree.
If you ever need people to talk to this group is a good place to go. I wish I could say more, but I just don't know what to say.
I hope things work out for you, because I've been there before, and it's not fun. Depression really hurt my life, and I hate to seeing it hurt other peoples lives as well.