Admission of Failiure · 3:02am May 22nd, 2014
I suppose it's been far too long. Time enough to swallow what's left of my pride, and I suppose accept what I've been trying to delude myself with for so long.
Bottom line is, I failed.
Truthfully, it's pitiful what I've gotten done on the writing front. Certainly, the determination was there, and the desire to make something good, but every time I opened the document I just found myself utterly incapable of putting into words anything I wanted. At first I had a month out of the country. I thought, great! Opportunity for writing! I managed two A5 pages on the flight home. And from there, as I look back at all I'd accomplished over the last however-long it's been, writing just became... bad, I guess? Even now, the 'FiMF Stories' tab fills me with dread, to such an extent, come tho think of it, that it's the only tab I haven't yet carried over the my new computer. What started off as a fun little hobby instead feels like a looming shadow. Then came the almost-year of hell at work, which has finally ended just a few weeks ago. Currently any productivity is being sapped by horrendous infrequent stomach pains.
But I guess that's my problem. It's one excuse after another. In the end, I have to admit that I'm not as good a writer as I'd initially pushed myself to be. Sure, my head is teeming with wondrous ideas, but when it comes to actually getting anything down on paper, the stream just stops. I suppose in a similar way, that might be why it's taken me a few months now to finally figure out how I wanted to word this post. I can't help but feel that's not a good sign for a wannabe-writer.
Besides, it's been so long that the story I had planned has become more or less irrelevant. Looking back, I can't help but feel unhappy with a lot of the stuff that had been set up, and the stuff that was still yet to come. Also, Twilicorn is now canon, and most fics nowadays feature the canon one. Initially, Expectations was a wild and out-there idea. Now, Twilicorn is the bog standard default. I honestly don't feel I'm capable of doing the initial idea justice.
I'm dreadfully sorry, folks. Not only the no-show on chapters, but also for the absurd amount of time it's taken for me to explain myself. I stubbornly believed that I could get everything complete by the end of the week. Then next week, and the week after that. That's why the old updates went on for so long, and why my absence was prolonged for as long as it was. I gave myself a goal, and refused to accept for even a moment that wouldn't be able to achieve it.
So I'm sorry. I really am truly, truly sorry. But I think it's been long enough that I have to admit I've failed.
So, what next? I'm putting Exp. on 'Hiatus'. I don't feel like I'm able to continue working on it, but a 'Cancelled' tag is far too final. Hopefully this'll get rid of the negative connotation to writing I've developed in my head over time. I'll think the story over at some point, but it would be folly to promise anything so early. I've learned that now.
That aside, I still have a number of smaller stories and ideas dancing around in my head, which have been gnawing away for quite some time now. I don't want to give up writing entirely. However, if anything good has come out of all this, it's something I consider to be a very important life lesson; make sure it's finished before you start posting. Any multi-chapter, any multi-episode anything I do from now on will be completed before chapter one goes live. That way, I can make sure we can avoid another Expectations debacle.
Well, there we are. I admit I dread the responses I'm going to get, but in fairness it's well deserved. Not sure if it was a good idea to type this a four in the morning, but this post is long overdue. I'll be knocking about later if anyone wants a stern word.
Goodnight, everyone
-Beige
It's 7 AM here, will go to sleep after I have written this, so I apologize for any possible grammatical errors, strangeness and cheesiness. I also had this message well-fleshed out but I forgot the half of it and completely lost it's structure due to my sleepiness.
It's good to hear of you again Beige. It's truly been a while. When the story started, Twilight was still just an awkward librarian. Now she has moved the heavens and fought against several more villains with vile intentions. The world is now different from what it was, which will make things more difficult.
I must thank you for not allowing Expectations to fall to the abyss of canceled stories. I have seen too many brilliant pieces of art fall into the abyss after the authors have had problems with them. It would have been truly saddening to see Expectations to suffer the same fate; it was pretty much the story that pushed me into the world of fiction about pastel colored equines. It's first chapters were my first fully read pieces of literature on this site.
Let the Expectations wait for now. Let it rest in peace until you are ready to greet it with the same joy and enthusiasm as you did in it's infancy. If you cannot enjoy yourself while writing, will the results feel empty and wrong.
Best advice I can give, is to be free. Write a short and funny story if you wish. Make a ludicrously silly story of how ponies would react to a can of beans, or just sit back and relax or do absolutely nothing.
Do what feels right and relaxing Beige. Remember that you write for yourself, not for anyone else. Be free.
Aaaaaaand it sounds extremely cheesy. God dammit.
Still loved it, read it up till now I think... 3 times?
I'm not surprised really, I doubt the majority of the author's could have even gotten this far on it, it is a damn nice story even if unfinished and I would like to thank you for at least writing up to this point. Personally, it set my bar for stories in the 'amazing' category
It's nice to hear from you again, some author's don't finish their stories and some author's just disappear, as far as I'm concerned this wasn't the worse case scenario by any means.
I joined the Alicorn Twilight group about three days after it was founded, so the idea behind this story is one I've supported for a really long time. It's a shame to see it go when there are so few stories these days that explore anything more interesting than the canon ascension, but hey, shit happens.
Always bothered me a little bit that people either rebelled when it happened in canon or accepted it and moved on. I was actually kind of disappointed. It's not the fact that it happened, it's that transitional stories like these would basically die off.
Ah well...
I hope to see more from you in the future, whatever you decide to write. Expectations was one of my favorite stories, even two years after it'd gotten a new chapter.
how does i writer
Fuck.
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Indeed, I somewhat miss those times were we had Alicorn-Twilight stories outside of canon, exploring not only ascension itself, but also its repercussions for Twilight herself and society. We still get some of those (like Overcoming the Day, which seems to be taking down that road), but some more would be nice.
I liked Expectations and would have loved to see more of it. Well, maybe your inspiration/capability of putting words down will come back one day, Beige, and you'll be able to continue it. I'd be here for it.
Should you, however, come to the conclusion to actually cancel it one day, I'd love to see an AMA for those of us who want to know what was planned for Expectations.
I've enjoyed your story, and I don't mind that it's taken you a while to update. I have a ton of stories to read for exactly that reason, and I hope you can return to writing sometime.
Either way, I'm sorry things haven't gone so well for you, and I hope that you feel better about this whole... everything. You're a great writer, and I think you'll do fine, in time.
Beige, I haven't begun reading any of your stories yet. I have a really hefty "Read Later" list. I also graduated college and got my first job in the real world; its the beginning of the rest of my life. In two weeks, I'm hoping to have gotten a cat. So I'm not sure when I'll get to read your three stories.
But your post here is wonderful, and I eagerly await the rest of what you've written. To make sure I don't miss anymore, I'm going to follow you. Even if I never hear a peep from you again. I just think your icon and name deserve that extra follower. I wish you happiness and friendship, even if you never read this.
4493382 I read it, and it meant a lot, thank you.
It's been quite a while since I wrote all this, and at this point in my life it's looking more and more likely that I won't be able to write anything else, much as I'd like to. I remember struggling a lot with writing, my mind isn't really wired for it. I'm now making stuff in videos, which seems to come a lot more natural. I really appreciate you checking my stuff out all this time later, though!
I still have one or two unwritten story ideas, not sure if there's anywhere I can put them up for adoption.
If you want to add to your hefty Read Later list, may I suggest Message in a Bottle by Starscribe, which I've been reading lately! Also, grats on your graduation and job!
Hey, it’s me From The Future. Don’t worry: the world keeps on spinning! Read your Mountain Clan story and was pretty impressed. Even if you dreams of becoming a great author never come true for you, take solace in having some talent and pleasing even a very tiny audience.