Update (and new United Nations resolution) · 5:43am Mar 2nd, 2014
Today’s No Sweeter Salvation update celebrates a United Nations resolution passed last week. After a near-unanimous vote, the assembly declared inhumane the weaponization of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. US and Russian representatives initially dissented, with threats to exercise their veto powers. However, they were quick to step up in support of the resolution when studies were produced suggesting that were the show’s producers to use their power for evil, Canada - now considered a superpower - could unleash unilateral destruction without the lingering detrimental effects of nuclear war. Perhaps they realized that, as Canada’s immediate neighbors and the most prolific watchers of the show, they would be the first to fall.
Citizens across the globe have been picketing in favor of the resolution for months, and welcomed its passage, already ratified by most member nations. After the failure of a previous draft, a distraught American had told one reporter he couldn’t get his family to stop watching MLP:FiM, despite its potential destructive power.
“I’ve already lost my wife and one of my sons to multiple heart attacks and diabeetus, and my other kids still won’t stop,” he wailed, while a woman identifying herself as his wedded partner tried to console him. “Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”
UN President John Ashe spoke out strongly in support of the resolution, saying My Little Pony has already had a deleterious effect on public health.
“The addition of the character known as Sweetie Belle to the show just proves Canada is conducting experiments of the lethality of various mixtures of Cute and Adorable on the public,” he told a reporter as he left the session. “I’m very pleased by the work we’ve done so far, but I hope to pass a more strict resolution against such characters in the media in general next month. I dream - let me tell you - I dream of a world in which our children, our elders, and our very selves need not carry insulin shots just in case some terrorist set the TV to the wrong channel.”
Barack Obama echoed Ashe’s concerns, saying he believed weaponization of My Little Pony could be the next stage of worldwide terrorism, with pony invasion of media networks being “the new cyber-terror.” His statement immediately came under fire from literally everyone else in the world, and his office said the human race could expect a public apology sometime next week.
Hasbro and DHX Media, meanwhile, have already issued their apology.
“We offer our most sincere and profound condolences to those who have lost friends, family, and loved ones to our flagship show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We’ve already taken strong measures to rein in the lethality of its cuteness; reducing the squeakiness of Sweetie Belle’s voice was just one step forward. We’re also putting significant revenue into a trust fund, to help pay for the treatment of those who have contracted the new Type 3 Diabetes attributed to MLP. This fund will also be used to aid and give restitution those who have lost family, lovers, and breadwinners.”
The Hub Network, however, said it will not be taking the show off the air.
“We’re just making way too much money off of this,” said one Hub spokesman, who asked to be anonymous when he realized he was being recorded. After lighting his Cuban cigar with a wad of hundred-dollar bills, he continued, “Who cares if a few extra kids grow up with heart vulnerabilities, or hooked on insulin, when my wallet is morbidly obese?”
The ACLU has said it already has legal action pending against the spokesman, saying his callous disregard for human life is “exactly the sort of thing that really kills real people.”
Disclaimer: this satire uses real names, but is not intended to accurately reflect any real persona or corporate identity.
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Too long didn't read.
In other news, I need brain bleach.
But I've lived in Canada all my life oh god why