......................................................... · 3:45pm Dec 30th, 2013
REVIEW: RISE OF THE DARK AGE
Where to begin, where to begin. I know! How about the end? It’s a nice place to start, the end. All you have to do is work backwards from there and you find yourself back where you came from. Isn’t that simply awesome?
Plot & Storytelling
To be honest, I couldn’t really continue really reading past the second chapter. I mean really reading—I skimmed through the others just to see if my initial impressions stood firm. For the most part, they did, and I have to say that I was let down a bit to see such a thing happen. You have an interesting premise, but a mediocre execution. That’s okay. I’m here to help you out on that front.
So, from what I read, I gathered that your biggest flaw is a weak implementation of indirect thought. To explain it in brief, indirect thought is when a character’s emotions, thoughts, perceptions, et cetera, are written in narration rather than in thought quotes—which is called direct thought—or through dialogue. It is, in essence, the best form of tell. If, of course, done right.
Now, before I continue, I have to make a note about this. I’m sure you’ve heard about Show, Don’t Tell, and for the most part, it’s correct. Always try to show the reader the scene, not telling them about it. However, Tell lends itself well to exposition, whereas said exposition would be difficult to pull off by Showing it. So you always want to strike a balance between Show and Tell. Show the things that need to be shown, and tell the things that need to be told.
Indirect thought is the cornerstone of many genres, especially fantasy and science fiction. However, your implementation of it tends to be rather abrupt. You tell things you shouldn’t, and what it ends up doing is being very grating on the reader.
Take the following paragraph as an example:
Discord's humorous expression turned sour. The creature she mentioned was one of his kind, he opposed all that Discord did as he himself did the same back. But that was in their nature, they'd always be rivals. Nevertheless, he knew if Concord was anything, an oath breaker was not one of them. "Puff. That hoity-toity spirit would never go to such an extensive level of idiocracy. That's my job!" Discord clenched his fist then opened it to reveal a rubber ball. He proceeded to bounce it off of Celestia's nose repeatedly as he talked. "If you truly knew my orderly friend, then you'd know how uptight he can be! But I digress. Out of all five of us, Concord would be the last to come to anypony's help if it meant breaking our precious code; including you."
You start the paragraph with a nice bit of Show, but then you start with dumping exposition on the reader when you could save it for a better time. Remember that with exposition, you need to time it right. Sometimes, it’s better to not say anything right away and leave clues for the reader to figure it out later. Without the exposition, the above example would have been pretty well-executed, except for what I’m about to outline below.
As for your characterization, I don’t feel like the known characters are portrayed correctly. Discord is too formal, Spike is too much Captain Obvious, and Celestia was a bit off, as well. Twilight was done okay, but could be a bit better. I would recommend watching some more episodes and taking notes on the others, though.
As for your main character, I feel that he’s a bit too flippant. At first he’s really formal, and then he’s incredibly casual. Discord described him as “hoity-toity”. Use that to your advantage! Allow him to be rigorous in conduct, but inherently flawed because of it. Draft a bigger picture of Concord, and only feed us, the readers, what we need to see when we need to see it.Those were the two main issues I had. Both are very big on their own, however—enough to make me not want to continue. Work on making your style more effective. Language is all about knowing what to say, knowing how to say it, and knowing when to say it. Use that to your advantage! Your premise is interesting, but your execution just needs a bit of work.
Grammar & Mechanics
As evidenced by my last review, I’m not really big on grammar. It’s not that I’m not good at it, I just don’t know what to look for or how to teach it beyond glaring mistakes. As far as I read, there were a few typos here and there, but nothing really drastic. I would recommend you do a thorough sweep through your chapters to see what’s off and what’s not. That should fix all the typos that are there.
Overall
I want to enjoy this. I really do. It’s an interesting premise, as I’ve said countless times before. Just work more on your execution—refine your style, make it more effective in getting your point across, tone down the Tell. I’d recommend reading some good ol’ Dune to help you with indirect thought a bit, if you haven’t already. Though, it’s a really meaty book.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure ‘idiocracy’ isn’t a word. If it is, let me know! ;D
Cheers!
—Figments
................................... You know, when you've been trying to perfect a story like mine for almost a year by rewriting and fixing flaws others point out, and having that feeling that you've learned how to write a proper fic; you die a little when someone has told you something like this^ after all the time that has past.
Now I take criticism very well; I learn from what they have to say, and then adopt that into my writing. But this... this... I thought, people, I thought that I had mastered the ability to show what needs to be and what doesn't, but now it seems I don't know how to properly write indirect thought. Worse is the exposition!
How? HOW can I possibly continue when I can't even get the story off the ground!? Do you know how hard it is to write a story with great plot, great characters, great pacing, and good style? It'll drive you mad!
I know what you're thinking, "Why don't you just take a break from writing, or just write something else?" I'm trying, but I just can't leave until this problem is solved. I don't want to leave with my story the way it is. I said I was going to write another chapter before I left, but I just don't have it in me anymore! I'm sorry if I'm dragging this on, but I need to let you all know that Rise of the Dark Age is officially on Hiatus!
Now I will finish what I have to and stop for awhile. Because I have a novel that I have allowed to gather dust. It is horribly neglected, and needs my full attention.
Awww...
Ugg... I hate it when this happens. ...But if that's what you want, then I won't stop you. Just how long will this new hiatus be for? Anyway, I'll still be your prereader, so if you need help then just say so. (that is to say, PM me) By the way, you should indicate who your prereaders are on Rise of the Dark Age.