• Member Since 25th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 15th, 2016

Broadway Sweetie Belle

Success is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, and 50% pain.


My lord. For two thousands years you've waited; you've watched this world change in the depths of your prison, waiting for the day that you would returned to consume it. And now the world is at a crippled state. The eldest Alicorn sister rules over the land, unaware that her 'golden age' is what has kept this world off balance, and keeping your resurrection alive. But the one who had imprisoned you has sent forth the child of your first victims, to restore the world in its rightful path. But what can the Draconequus do when the harmony he created turns against him?

Concord is the spirit of order and balance. In a time when Equestria was ruled under chaos. Concord did a great deed for the ponies of the land. But in his ignorance and prideful state, he had unbalanced the world that he himself was sworn to protect.

After a thousand years, Concord finds out of a great and ancient threat, a threat that he created. So Concord travels back to Equestria, determined to make things right again. However, it may be more difficult than he anticipated. If betraying friends, and destroying lives is what it'll take to balance the world, can he truly do it? Or will he embrace the dark side he never knew he had?

(Author's Note) This story starts out in season 3. The canon events of season 4 may be altered.

Thanks go to Starligh Nove, Haseo, ThatOneWriter, and TheDarkAngel for pre-reading and editing.
Thanks to JumpingShinyFrogs for the cover art!


Chapters (5)
Comments ( 52 )

I love it! You should keep it up!

YES! IT'S HERE! IT'S OUT! FINALLY! Oh, and was it ever worth the wait! I can't wait to see more! ...Say are you gonna submit this fanfic to Equestria Daily now?

Huh? Hey! Why'd you change the title description? The old one was much better! In fact, I actually thought that the people at Equestria Daily would like it more!

The old description only mentioned Concord and went off about darkness and gave a bit too much info, while this one explains that Concord is the protagonist of the story aaaand I'm not going to convince you, aren't I?

2838557 Actually that did convince me. But it is very tempting to say no... ...Er, no offense.

I'm liking it so far. Your dialogue is believable, the characters are developing quite nicely, and the plot is coming along at a pretty good pace. This is definitely something I'll be watching. :twilightsmile:

All right. You got me hooked. Will watch.

Do you know what happened to the previous comments, the ones from before you rewrote the story?

They got deleted after with the old chapters.

(If you have quistions, please go to my user page instead of the comments here. Or a PM.)

Unfortunately, you have a few too many errors to warrant inclusion into the Good Grammar Directory at this time.
The errors are as follows:

This was Equestria. Ruled by the hands of a mad and evil Draconequus named Discord: the master of chaos and disharmony.

"Ruled by the hands of... chaos and disharmony" is a sentence fragment. You should make it a complete sentence by putting a comma after Equestria and before ruled.

Down below in a green-yellowish meadow there was no living thing in sight.

You're missing a comma after "meadow" and before "there."

Great booms echoed and fierce lights illuminated the skies.

Since you're joining two independent clauses with a coordinating conjunction (and), you need a comma before "and."

a high voltage of electricity arose from her horn, and with a flick of her head, fired a beam of lightning at the Draconequus.

You should say "and with a flick of her head, she fired a beam

The older Alicorn, named Celestia, looked to her sister giving her a low nod.

You need a comma after sister.

Please fix them and we will be more than happy to include your story in the Good Grammar Directory.
You may re-submit it into the submissions folder whenever you are ready.

—He’s sometimes considered to be a brute, and is careless beyond recognition—

Sorry, I made a mistake, this should be in italics. Just go ahead and fix it, I suppose.

Congratulations, this story now has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction. :eeyup:

Concord's rational behavior.

It should be irrational. Please fix it.

2894182 Yay! (Why yes I am his pre-reader. How'd you know?)

2869016 I can't believe I missed all those. You should be his pre-reader too.

2913599 If he wants me to, he can certainly ask. I pre-read for quite a few people.

Yes. I can always use the help. Just PM me when you're done. And if in the end you're still interested in pre-reading future chapters, you're welcome to.

Just so you know, I prefer this story over the entire Pony POV Series. ...I know I can't take that back, but I'm sticking to it!

2913627 Did CartsBeforeHorses say yes to being a prereader? Is he going to continue to be one of your prereaders?

I wish I could read it now, but I is busy.

So I'll just leave this comment, then comment later when I read the actual story.

I'm just going to PM this review to you since its turned out massive.

You... Split the chapter in half? Interesting. I'd say that I can't wait for part two, but as your pre-reader, I'll see it soon enough.

I sent a review in the form of a message. Didn't want to spam the comments.

My lord. For two thousands years, you've waited, you've watched this world change in the depths of your prison, waiting for the day that you would returned to consume it. And now the world is at a crippled state. The eldest Alicorn sister rules over the land, unaware that her 'golden age' is what has kept this world off balance, and keeping your resurrection alive. But the one who had imprisoned you, has sent forth the child of your first victims, to restore the world in its rightful path. But what can the Draconequus do, when the harmony he created turns against him?

OK, I give up, who or what said that? ...It wouldn't have anything to do with "It", would it?

Comment posted by Broadway Sweetie Belle deleted Nov 21st, 2013

2947738 I'm sorry, I'm still on this I LOVE this story! It's incredible! It's amazing! It started out good and it just got better and better! You have got to finish this!

“With all due respect, sir. If it’s your magic that’s stopping me from destroying them, then why don’t you do it?”

Question: Could Conjure destroy the Elements if he wanted to?

hovering over the creators where they had once firmly laid.

- I'm guessing the word you wanted here is craters.

If his chaos was too much for a signal pony,

- I think you mean single

I enjoy Concord as a character. He isn't a Mary-Sue, even though he seems to have all the traits (unusual appearance/species, godlike powers, polar opposite to a canon character etc) because he has a nicely developed character. He's like Twilight in overdrive.

Well this was different.

The concept for this story is very interesting with a theme for the draconequi or whatever they are called reminding me of the four horsemen (Conquest, war, death and famine) with each of them representing something. I see a lot of potential with this story but I think you should slow down with the information. By this I recommend you add more mystery to the story. Give the characters something to research about and find out for themselves instead of it being magically in a book (Its too easy). An example of this being when Twilight was reading the book. Instead of her knowing immediately about it because it is written directly in that book maybe have her go off to the old castle ruins or something and find research on the topic and then eventually have that research lead to an answer which Twilight then can piece together. That way it adds a little more depth and pacing to the story instead of just SMACK here is all the information about concord Twilight Sparkle!

Other than that and a few grammar mistakes I liked the story. It has a interesting original concept that has a lot of potential if you follow through with it.

Good luck.


That's the second time someone has commented on that. Okay, so I made a huge change now, it's a lot shorter, but shouldn't give any information away to people.

3591696 Always view your final draft like a very picky but fair critic and think "Does this part of the plot make sense?"

I now reread my final draft when I write about 4 times to find any hidden errors before I post it and it helps a lot.


I get what you're saying. That was one of the parts I didn't change when rewriting, and it's probably better this way. Don't you think?

3591903 Please specify what part that is.

:rainbowderp:..............:rainbowlaugh: I just looked in my fridge to see if that was real. OMG! I never noticed that!

Nice work! I can't wait until the next one. Of course I can wait though, I am after a patient pony.:moustache:

Wait, I thought you two weren't going to cancel the story!

A story added to a rage review folder by a prominent member and founder of the group... Is this a test? Am I biting the bait on a trap if I try to review this? :twilightoops:


I had high hopes for this story when I read the description. To see it cancelled is to truly stop a great work from being brought forth to the public's eye. If you have plans to continue this or give it to someone else, I would gladly take over the idea to the best of my abilities.

Well, here's the thing, I had this planed to become a trilogy, but the thing is, I was trying too hard and I was adding more things than what I planed.

But now I'm working on a new story that has a different plot, but I'm actually going to be taking some things from this story and adding them to the new one.

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