Hey, you remember me? · 5:16am Feb 7th, 2016
If you don't, don't worry, I probably won't be around much longer.
Okay, before I go any further, I just want to say that this blog is going to contain more vulgar language than I usually use. Because there's a lot of steam I need to let out.
Now the first thing I wanted to address is that fimfiction has Fucked me up big time!
I don't mean this in a sense that the site itself has ruined something I was working on or cheated me. No. I mean it has literally taken a mental toll on me where I can't deny that this place is the source of my pain! What pain, you say? Well, remember when I was originally going to leave fimfiction forever, but at a last second decision I wanted to stay? Well it turns out that that was a terrible mistake. I have not been enjoying myself at all after Bronycon. Nothing feels the same to me. I've gone on long periods where I wouldn't log on to see what's going on. I've become that isolated.
It doesn't help that I've developed depression, and to counter it, I try to turn that depression into aggression, and guess where I targeted that aggression on. Yup, folks on here. I've done nothing really good other than to waste people's time with me, and I can't help but have zero fucks to give. However, this doesn't help me, either. The more I hate and act on this site, the more I begin to hate myself.
I've experienced a mental break down for the first time in late November, which almost ended with me plunging a kitchen knife into my arm. Self-harm is not something I ever thought I'd experience before, but nowadays I'll do about anything just to not feel how I feel; anything is better than having to deal with depression.
It's like everything I see on here is shown through bad lens. I find almost anything insulting, or stupid, or arrogant. It's the most confusing feeling ever. I couldn't care less about people, yet at the same time that's all I'm ever focused on. Because I can no longer find any enjoyment on here, that means I can't let anyone else enjoy it.
...Maybe this isn't so bad, I mean, when I wanted to leave officially during the summer, I knew it wouldn't be easy because I cared so much about this place. Now it feels like I could just log off and never go back on without a second thought. It's actually quite terrifying how much I changed since August. In fact, I haven't been on for over five weeks, and the only reason I went back on was because I accidentally clicked on a link which brought me on to this site so I was like, "fuck, now I have to tell people why I haven't been on." Originally, I had asked to be banned for a month so I couldn't really be shown as online, but even after that, I felt no desire to go back on.
And you know what? I don't have any pleasure to stay on here. I don't! I mean, for the most part I just don't want to deal with people. Because there are people on here that make me sick. Now you could say that the cure to this would be not to interact with them, or be in the same group as them. Honestly, if I could just give up all groups, I just may be able to tolerate this site again if I just stuck to writing and nothing more, cut out group activity all together. But that just leads to another problem, and that is that I don't write! I mean, I do write, but none of it goes on fimfiction. When I try to write something on here I end up never actually finishing it. Maybe it's just my lack of caring. I have written quite a bit in the past month or two, more than I can say for what I've written for fimfiction. I consider writing on here to be a challenge because I need to do my very best. With what I usually write for another website, it doesn't really matter that much, all they care about is the content.
Bottom line: I'm not happy with myself, I have no idea if I can really write anything else on here, there are people on here that piss me off, and I just might walk up and leave this site for good this time.
I should apologize, I guess. I'm not quite sure how this all sounds to you all, I can't really read people that well anymore. I just seem to expect the worse out of things.
Hey...
Is there any way I can help?
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Not really anything you can do about it.
Sorry to hear that, man. Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything.
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Well, before you go, just know that I'll be there to help if you need it.
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Yeah, again. It's not so much the site's problem, but me with and other people on the site.
Sorry to hear that you're still feeling down. Whether you decide to return to FiMFic or leave, I'll always consider you as a friend. Depression is tough and it takes time to conquer. Anyway, as I've said before, you're always welcome to message me or anyone you feel comfortable talking to. And whether you write something that's posted on a site like this one or for yourself, even if it's something you don't finish, the fact that you wrote something is a wonderful achievement. And as for the other website, even if all they focus on is content, it's still something notable.
I hope you have a wonderful future, my friend. I'll always support you.
*Hugs Broadway*
Dude, your first job is keeping yourself alive and reasonably happy. If that means telling the horse words to fuck off, then the horse words need to find a bottle of lube. I'd rather never hear from you again because you're off somewhere finding your happy than because you've turned yourself into a knife rack, y'know?
As some of the others have said, feel free to IM or PM me if you ever feel like it; I just hope I'm not the source of any of the stress.