The Comment wars have begun · 6:47pm Dec 4th, 2011
Okay, so, I'm reading a story by a fledgling author by the name of Pencil Sketch. It's short, it's fluffy, it's badly written, but it's amusing enough. Call it a weakness, the same way I can laugh at funny comics even if they're badly drawn, I can laugh at a funny story even if it's badly written.
The thing is, for some reason, this one tiny little story lost in the backwoods of fimfiction, about an alternate universe which gets a lot of bad press because the original was so misanthropic, has attracted some rather verbose comments.
Rather than fill up his thread, I'm going to cover some of those comments here, and invite them to discuss away from his story, where the comments will not be deleted.
So, from "Intellectual Compass" (a guest):
This story sucks, it explains nothing. If I didn't know about the premise of TCB then I wouldn't understand why people were choosing to turn into ponies or why there is a barrier and why people are happier becoming ponies. As you choose not to explain any of these concept, so that the reader can understand the whole situation the universe, it would give the reader no choice but to read where the hell you got the idea. The universe is from Blaze's TCB, which is so Misanthropy it might of well be bloody James Cameron Avatar. Due to you not changing one little bit of the universe, the reader will put that your fic is Misanthropy, which is never good. Why, because it portrays all characters being 1 dimensional as the humans are evil while other creatures are perfect.
So, IC is angry that Blaze wrote a misanthropic story, which he presumably "had to read", so rather than complain at Blaze, he complains on this dinky little continuation, which he admittedly doesn't understand. It's hard from this point to be sure whether IC is angry at Blaze, or Pencil. It seems to be both.
The story is that a human named Kenneth Baxter has turned himself into a unicorn because......... Then he joins a prestige school because of charity.
Ummmm what type of charity? Why haven't other humans that are turned into unicorns went into this school?
What makes him so special that he gets into this school, and no one else?
I'd suggest IC read the prequel to this one, which explains most of this. If you're angry at a self-insert getting in on a scholarship to a prestigious school, then... eh. Don't read it. I'll give Pencil this plot point, as that's a part of the plot itself. He gets into the school, ergo the story can continue. Yes it's a bit trite, it could be done in any unicorn school, but the canon one is Celestia's. Where does he say other humans haven't got the school? Well, he doesn't. Presumably there are. I'd have a problem with there not being.
Anyway, he gets to school were his life as a unicorn starts. Ken Baxter learns simple maths as he is in a class with little fillies and he knows these stuff as he attended college (this is suppose to be funny). Learns how to draw himself in art class when not knowing how to control his magic, don't worry it goes well as they can recognise it (This accomplish nothing apart from saying he used to be human). And he learns Equestria language.
played for laughs, I'm not sure why this causes so much consternation. So, the character can draw - that's actually his talent by the way. He's been grudgingly placed into the wrong classes by a dumb school system, it's funny.
WHAT! WHY? Why learn Equestria language when they are speaking English, also it seems like they write in English, (even though in this fanfiction they don't understand what he wrote). Which then begs the question on why learn English when you don't know how to write English? Wouldn't it be better to just Speak Equestrian as they write equestrain. Not only that, they know how to speak German and so does Ken Baxter. They do speak German as they described this artefact as a “beschmutzen Sie riechend Ratte”, which means you dirty rat smelling. Why not use other language? Also, why describe it as beschmutzen Sie riechend Ratte? It wasn't funny or clever. If it was suppose to be funny it would be classed a poor childish humour.
This is admittedly difficult to handle, and it hasn't been fully explained. The only one who did it is Chatoyance, and that wasn't entirely consistent. The lazy answer is "everyone is doing it" from star trek to stargate sg1. In a magical universe, spoken language would be easy to 'fix'. Written, on the other hand, is entirely different. If you payed attention, he can speak but not read or write. Ken can speak German, and he made a point of that fact - the character isn't dumb, he just can't do certain things that require Equestrian writing.
Also, later on he finds out there is no Equestria to English dictionary. Why the fuck not? They speak English! Why don't they have a book that translate Equestria WRITTING (as it should be called) into English. You know that would be helpful for all the NEWCOMERS.
eh, I take it that there are, but maybe not that many, and for whatever reason, the school he's at doesn't have one.
Also while on the subject on language, why not speak English and also write in English as English is the most spoken language in the world . And yes that point would count as there are bloody humans. In fact, when did Equestria language ever appear in the show? Stick to the source material for heaven sake.
The Equestrian world runs on Equestrian language, that means Equestrian writing. So, it's never really appeared in the show, you think they wouldn't have it?
Also why learn these subjects? He is a bloody unicorn. TEACH HIM HOW TO USE MAGIC! God if I was Ken Baxter I would turn back to human as these ponies have no intelligence what so ever. Also, why put him into a class with small fillies? He is an adult pony it seems like. Then why not teach him how to use magic? Also, did the other people that turned to ponies have to go into school like this? Did they learn basic maths? Were they put into classes that are attended by small fillies? If so, then I fail to believe that people will be happier being ponies as they are FUCKING IDIOTS. It also means that humans turned into ponies are being mistreated, in a way, mocked and classed as intelligent as the small ponies.
You've never run afoul of bad government, have you? Ken is being mistreated because the system isn't built for him, and the teacher doesn't care. To be honest, it's believable. It's played far more for laughs than it could be, but it's reasonably accurate.
The writing is inconsistent. Yeah he is speaking in first person view, but sometimes he is speaking like he has someone with him.
“Now, if you excuse me, I have to go to the office and get me schedule for work. I'll talk to you all later.”
“Boy, we've been going for some time now, haven't we? Like, hours. If I wasn't so wound up, I'd just sleep back here on these nice, comfy cushions.”
Let's see where we are now, shall we. Wow... Get a look at that. Canterlot's, like, right there. I mean, not even a kilometer away. Okay, we're going through the gates now and, wow, amazing!
Point. Finally. A point.
These are just some of the quotes that are that written in first person view that portray the fact that someone is with him. Which begs the question who is with him? If it is the reader then does this guy know that this fic exist? Does he know its a story for people to read? If he is talking to the reader then why put it in 1st person view most of the time? There is a problem if he was talking with the reader, and that is we wouldn't believe it. As he mostly trying to ham it up when asked a problem which is the comedy. Sometimes, speaking to the reader works in some books, but that's because they try to get the reader to see their point of view. Also your writing is a problem because you made the writing have a sense of whiplash. He speaking only in his thoughts, then talking to someone then immediately thoughts again talking to someone. There is no structure or consistency, which makes it very difficult to follow.
This is very true. Sometimes the story is as if he were speaking to himself, othertimes as if it were some diary entry, with no clear demarkation between the two. This holds the story back, makes it confusing for the reader, and hampers the narrative.
Also, why write the story as well, their seems to be no problem with his life at all and their doesn't seem for any reason for the reader to care about this person. He would ask questions like, Why am I following? I'm not learning anything about the pony life. Not learning about his past. Not learning about situation and not learning the mental state of humans being a pony. Not only that you did a great job on explaining the world of Equestria. You made Equestria seem dull, boring, and intellectual inferior then the human world. Also the tone of the story is very inconsistent. At the start of the very boring intro as it explained nothing of the situation or any character, we get the sense of character study as he talked about his thoughts (be it though very boring). But, then we switch to slice of life and comedy and also removing character study in the fic. But then sometimes you put in character study and it feels force and pretty much saying yeah he used to be human. Like we didn't get that already. Also, why should we care following this character, he doesn't sound great, the situation doesn't sound pleasant. He never is thrown in a interesting situation that we learn about his character. Also, you made the writing so that any character study, comedy, or any situation will seem forced. The comedy only consist of him being at a school for young fillies, and him going OTT when going into class and when being asked a question.
So the story is fluff and boring to you, that's also a fair point. I have no comments about that.
So that is the fan fiction. It boring and hold many question that yet to be answered and to be honest not worth reading as the writing is just boring. There is no meat to them and his situation is not worth following. The characters are bland, the writing is bland, the situation he is in is bland and the conversation are bland. Its also not funny, hart warming or interesting in the slightest. It's hard to follow and not an interesting read as there are many slice of life, comedy books and fan fiction out their that are worth reading. All together just a boring read that not worth reading.
then why the hell are you commenting on it on chapter 3? Why write such a massive spiel about a story you don't like? You must really, really dislike it, but you describe it as "bland".
This comment will probably be deleted, and to be honest it may as well be. It is not constructive, it's not by anyone brave enough to make an account and a blog entry about it, it's just hidden amongst the comments of a tiny little story written by somebody who is, to all intents and purposes, still practicing. If Pencil Sketch wants a review, he can ask for one - to be honest, it would do him good since his writing is admittedly lacking in a number of important places. I've seen far worse, but then I've seen far better. Execution wise, it scores (on my scale) 3/5 for being written in proper English most of the time and for managing to separate the characters' speech and actions well enough to be read. The style used works against it, but I've seen his other writing and I know he's doing it on purpose. It won't work for everyone. If you think about it, 3/5 is half marks. That should tell you how far he has to go. the story idea itself is 3-4/5 - everything has a reason even though it's not always entirely consistent or logical, the character isn't a Gary Stu, but he IS clearly a self-insert. He doesn't have much external conflict, it's simple fluff, but the author knows it. For free entertainment, in other words, I'm getting my money's worth. Would I post this on EqD? No, it's not that good, just believe me when I say I've seen far worse that didn't get the problem.
The problem with these comments is that they have very little constructive to offer. Instead, we get blanket accusations like
I think I found an underlining problem with these fics in general, and sadly, it lies with the people writing them. These individuals in question seemed to think that any kind of criticism is an attack on them, no matter how constructive it is.
You'll find that's true of a lot of writers, and hugboxing them does no good. Similarly, going to the effort to write a massive spiel about other people's fics in a rather aggressive manner does no good either. I didn't see the original comments, I don't know if they were accurate or helpful - the entire big comment by Gapaot was barely legible and entirely missed every point, so if that's the calibre of your 'advice' then I can see why he deleted it. I think he was wrong to pull the story, I don't agree with censorship, but you're giving it far too much attention.
Next up, featuring a personal attack on myself, Gapaot (copied verbatim, broken English and all):
My two bits about story: it's nothing special. It's just another one-in-a-dozen Slice of Life fics that, for little reason, it takes place in the TCB "universe", if I could call it that (only reason I can think of why is that it would be largely ignored if it wasn't) . It's just the same things that midnightshadow and Chatoyance are crapping out everyday. It plays like one of the wish-fulfilment story that plagues the Human in Equestria fics, in terms of 'Whee, I'm a pony/in Equestria now and I was largely unliked back home for varies of reasons, but none of that matters now and the ponies will befriend me and like me for what I am.
Wish fulfillment, to an extent, is a valid criticism against my two main TCB-related pieces of fluff. Then again, a bit of wish fulfillment is fine, that's what a lot of fantasy/sci-fi is. Chatoyance's stuff is much less so, it's much darker and gritty and better written than mine. I wrote mine to have fun, primarily, and wish fulfillment was the order of the day. The key point here, of course is the phrase it would be largely ignored if it wasn't...TCB. Methinks Gapaot despises the setting more than the story, probably because of the original, which had some major flaws.
As for "crapping out", pick one, read it, and tell me aspects of THAT story (not a different TCB fic, not Blaze's fic, not something else irrelevant) which bother you, with preferably constructive criticism, and we'll get to work. I'll maybe make a blog post of it so that the comments don't fill up, eh?
Your writing is bad and boring, your main character is not likeable in any sense of the word, the other characters are really cardboard to say the least, and the fact that he was accepted to what seem to be a high end school through an undisclosed charity is paving the way to become another Mary(Gary)-Sue story (or from the fact that the pony carries the same name as of your screen name, a self-insert). Which means he'll no doubt find a few problems on his 'education' (what the hell, sending a convert to Equestria without teaching him the basics, I'll say the bureaus are run by morons, but being a moron is common place in TCB fics I find), self-doubt himself, get prepped up by some cardboard character with a message from an afterschool special, pass the whole thing with flying colours and to wrap up the Mary(Gary)-Sueness, he'll become noticed by one of the princesses (the biggest Mary-Sue in this universe I find, they never showcase that much character or power within the show, they are just there I find) and become their pupil and learn under them.
The reason the admitted self-insert is there was covered in an earlier story. The fact this commenter doesn't know that doesn't bode well for his ability to deconstruct the story. Frankly, a lot of his complaints may come to pass, we'll see. If this were sent to EqD, I wouldn't post it for these very same reasons, but cardboard characters? No, not really. A bit trite, perhaps in places (there are only two alicorns, so even a 'newfoal' should recognize a princess when s/he sees one) so railing against THAT would make sense, but to say the princesses "dont display much power"? We're informed they raise the sun and moon and have lived for thousands of years, that's pretty phenomenal.
It doesn't show for interesting reading, I find. You said that this deserves a 3-stars due to it's not being a clopfic/trollfic and for having the guts to upload this (seriously?). I disagree, I don't find TCB fics to deserve anything higher than a 2-stars, but this one is a one-star from me.
Gapaot, your bias is showing. It's a 3-star fic by my scale due to mechanical issues, simplistic plot, self-insertness, propensity for gary stu'ness and overall rawness of writing, but it makes me smile. The setting doesn't come into it, as if you despise the setting then just plain don't read it on that account.
And then "Mister Cellophane" again:
I think I found an underlining problem with these fics in general, and sadly, it lies with the people writing them. These individuals in question seemed to think that any kind of criticism is an attack on them, no matter how constructive it is. The point of pointing flaws within the story is so that the flaw can be ironing out throughout the story. You don’t fix them by sidestepping over them and just praise the few good things about them in vain attempt to offer encouragement. That’s not being nice, that’s just being dishonest to the person in case that they can’t deal with the truth of the matter (as Pencil Sketch showcased), and being dishonest =/= being nice. That’s just crazy.
Now, this is a touchy subject. I don't know what was said originally, but to an extent you are entirely correct in that you, on a public site may comment on any story you see fit, whether that be praise or admonishment. I loathe hugboxing, and I must say I try NOT to indulge in it, but sometimes I do - this is because I generally give positively-couched feedback when I've not been asked for a review, and save harsher language for real, requested criticism. It is, I feel, within your rights to give constructive criticism even of a very harsh nature, and I personally do not agree with deletion of comments of stories which are not personal attacks.
When a TCB fic gets attacked, it’s gogo TCB Defence Squad; lead by two known writers of the TCB thing, they’ll defend someone, even if said individual has shown a massive misuse of power and many people would call him out for it. (Like my reply to midnightshadow about HR comment that was removed, but his comment is there still).
This is where MC, IC and Gapaot (apart from the fact that Gapaot command of the English language is below par, and the other 'two' are not) start to sound like sock puppets. Unfortunately I never saw MC's comment, if it's still about, post it to this blog. I'll not come to the defence of specifically Conversion Bureau fics, but this sounds a lot like some strange trolling attack, so I'd rather speak up (since it's on a story I'm reading, it's hardly surprising).
I am through being nice to Pencil Sketch. Respect is a two-way street on the matter, and any attempt to be respectful to him was meet with spite and disrespect from him. Like gapaot said, maybe it’s him that needs to learn on how to be nice.
As on the subject on why read it when you dislike it, there are many stories that started well, but ended up having a very lacklustre ending. Likewise, there are ones with poor starts but great endings; these are however fairly rare.
From the actions of the writer himself, I have no reason to believe that this would be any of them. This story started bad and I believe it won’t get better anytime soon.
Personally, I find that a good critic should follow things to the very end. I did with movies I personally didn’t like, but I will say that I will never give this fic or any other that he made anymore chances, as I have no faith in him, as a writer or even a human being.
I haven't seen a first chance yet, neither have I seen a reason why you're still reading. You waffled on about how dare he and how you don't respect him, and didn't answer the question. You'd do well in politics.
I given TCB fics enough chances to try to change my view of them, and really, only two or three of them I could class as ‘well, it’s at least different, I’ll give it that’. But I read a lot of them (included the one where the main character basically turned into Dante in Chapter 9, which is where I stopped soon after), and honestly, I didn’t think of them as anything special.
I have never classed myself as ‘Brony’ at any point in my life, and after that Youtube video, Brony Pizza Hunt I think is called, I couldn’t wish to be further away from that label. I’m just a guy whom merely liked FiM, and got bored one day and start reading stories. That’s all I am. Fics in general may not have to be Gilgamesh, but they can at least try to be better than Twilight, for crying out loud.
So now you're anti-brony and anti-tcb-fics, but nevertheless felt it important enough to track down this author and not only re-post, but post followups about a story you hate so much you had to read all three chapters of it? That's kinda weird.
So, inviting two (maybe three) verbose trolls to this blog entry. What do you lot all think? Am I being too kind? Leaping to the defence of something just because I feel it's some pet project?
Mister Cellophane here
There's already a blog post here, no need for a second
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/1694
I'll admit that it's badly written, and that I'm no Mark Twain. I had a strange idea when I first wrote it regarding my field of work, digital media. My first intention was to have it read in a sort of radio-play-esque sort of style, with various readers taking the helms of characters. Think of it as a pseudo-script for a little animated cartoon. If I get a good group of vocals into a recording room, to which I do have full access to, these fics would make about 20% more sense.
It's very wonky at times, the structure is a big blur, and the plot isn't clear. It's a pet project that I'm writing for my own amusement and to "test the waters". I'm having fun writing it off the top of my head, and in the end, that's all that matters; I'm. Having. Fun.
Also, I have no one else to edit this... so...
On regards to critique; I enjoy it, actually, so long as it's not blatant "Oh, this sucks, why the f*** did you write this!". The comments on my weird way of writing in the first-person perspective are wholly welcome, as they give some sort of means for me to grow as a writer. Comments like "This is great", don't really offer that. Sure, they're nice, but I'd also like for them to explain what they liked about the story, if not, just a specific part.
I'm not going to pick apart everything those fellows wrote, simply out of courtesy, but know that your help in the matter, though not necessary in the least, is appreciated.
1290 As for comparing my writing to Stephenie Meyer's... That's just underhanded.
If anything, I'm just as bad as Darren Shan.
Mister Cellophane here, not going to make an account MS, I see no reason to.
1290
If you planned to make the story play like a radio-play-esque, then fair enough, that would explain the wierd structure that you're going for. If you are writing it as a bit of fun, then I suppose that's harmless enough. I can't fault you trying something new to you tho.
You seem to know about the faults on your story, so now there really isn't much use to comment on the story further. So consider this as a last word from me to you.
- Work on those faults, you can only become better when you iron out the flaws on the story, so keep going there.
- Also, work on your attitude. I'll admit, I was no angel on the past comments, but alot of this was avoidable if you comment on the first deleted post a little better, instead of calling it a nonscene rant, try to be a bit more civil about it. That way, HR wouldn't of posted the second comment as it is, and I won't have got involved in this.
As kind of a peace treaty, I changed the half-star on the fic into a 2.5 one, I still didn't like it but I don't like it when someone downvotes because they don't like the story/person/whatever. And the whole thing has been going for long enough, so I'll make the first move Pencil Sketch.
Sorry for the overly long clusterfuck. That is all.
And now for you MS.
I never said I was anti-brony, but I'll admit say mentioning the Youtube video was...somewhat stupid of me. I'm not even sure where I was going with it (I just can't watch the video all way through, it's just to sad to watch). I can see where you're going with the sock puppet statement, three people didn't need to say the same thing in the end. In defence of gapaot, most of that comment was said by me, he just copied and pasted from it. That comment was made fairly late last night, so alot of hostilty was added into it. Looking back at it, it was just lashing out at TCB in general and it wasn't fair in three party, to Pencil Sketch, to you and to the other writers. So I'll admit I was overly mean in that statement and I'm very sorry for it.
I didn't go out for Pencil Sketch because he wrote a TCB fic, I really just stumpled into his fic comments when HR made the first comments and I really just watched on what happened next. My objections against him was the attitude he shown, which came of as a bit arrogant to be honest. Then again, he was likely seeing me being arrogant as well. And the rest is, as they say, history.
And about my view on TCB in general, I feel that it need an extra post, otherwise I may go overly long
And yes, comparing you to Stephenie Meyer was a cheap shot. I can't honestly say that you're that bad, honestly. So, sorry for that as well.
I will be honest; I have read a lot of TCB fics. Yellowstone, Chatoyance's fics, Change of Life, Why?, LMS, Sonic's fic, MS's fics and many others. I read someone turning into a zebra, dragon, into a female pony and into Dante. Yellowstone is just a fun adventure story, I just didn’t care for it that much.
I just find the whole premise to being very miserable to be honest. I class myself as a bit of a humanist, so this is to be expected. It just put “Humanity” in a no-win situation against a race that is largely uncaring on their plight and is ultimately taking advantage on them. That's how I see it. If someone didn't wish to be a pony, well, they in a bit of trouble, as most stories have Equestria taking over the Earth. So the stories became the whole join us or die things, so it becomes genocide on a wide scale, by the Ponies, whom are written as mostly the "good guys". Like I said, miserable.
Also, I find the universe is fairly shallow in general. There are two worlds in the fics, the "Human" world, and Equestria. Equestria get a lot of attention within the fic I find, which the "Human" world is largely ignored in general. Also, most follow that the ponies are overly good and the "humans" are overly bad. Sure, there are a few good "humans" and a few bad ponies, but they are a few in between, I find.
The other thing is that you lot seem to be in this 'dry spell' step. Lately, only Slice of Life or some other Bureau things fics based in the universe is being made, and I can't help to think you guys are running out of things to write about. I mean one of the recent fic is just a situation reversed (The Humanification Bureau), where the ponies are the "humans", and the "humans" are the ponies. It didn't help that the actions taken are still classed as lazy and immoral, and some comments in that fic pointed that out that the morality of the actions are questionable regardless on whom did it. This is just my opinion on this, but Slice of Life does nothing for me; I just don’t see the point to it.
And of course the hot word for this fics is misanthropy. It’s a word that is said a lot of times, but never truly talked about. Most of the time, it’s related to the original fic made by Blaze, or that what some TCB writers like to think that. But really, they are only kidding themselves. Sure, the original is very misanthropic and the later fics lower it down a notch, but that just it, you only lowered it down but not removed it at all. It is still there and it stills lingers in a good number of fics. In fact, maybe 2 or 3 fics in general that may not have this, but a good number of them do. (Beside, Blaze’s original has a lot more problems then misanthropy, that’s for sure) Say that some of the fics have good humans and bad pony means nothing, in my eyes.
Note that I quote marked every time I said human after humanist. And this is my biggest problem with the TCB. These “humans” don’t feel like actual humans at all. They don’t act like humans, talk like humans or think like humans in the most part. They are, no question, the shallowest thing in all the fics. Sure, again, some fics try to give them some flavour wise, but not by much.
By now I grow tired from writing up this. Rest assured, there are a good number of on what I find to be faults on the whole TCB thing but it’s not everything. I’ve formed this opinion as I read the fics. I think it’s safe to say that this is not for me. If people like this stuff, more power to them, but I just don’t understand why people like it.
So as last word, I give you this. I have never rated a TCB before Pencil Sketch’s one, and really, I don’t plan to rate anymore after this. I’ve given it a chance, and it failed to ‘capture’ me, to say the least. So yeah, I think I’ll safe to say I’m finish with TCB, and likewise with this argument. So much for a war, huh?
This is my final statement, I will not reply to anything regarding this from now on.
Well this was unexpected. To see my comment deleted for no reason and then posted on someone else's profile. I will rebuttal against the stuff you have MidnightShadow commented on my review and I will explain myself further. (Each point you made is a paragraph in this rebuttal)
First of all, I don't hate the TCB series. I only read the original and this one. They both share the same universe and Pencil Sketch just didn't change anything to the universe, which in result can give the reader the wrong idea as they both have the same message. That was the criticism I was trying to get through. The reason why I read Blaze's story was because their was questions that Pencil Sketch did not answer in his fic. I just heard this is a fan story of Blaze's fic so I read it. Some of the criticism do fall on to this fic, but that's due to Pencil Sketch saying statements and never backing them up with his own reasons. But I never said I was angry at Blaze's story or any TCB as there isn't any need to be.
Second, Okay I admit I never read the prequel and there is a good reason why I didn't I never knew it existed. It never said anything about this being a continuation of his previous story. All it said was
((Reposted because original had become the target of excessive spam and "knee-jerk" votes of a half star. If you've got an issue with the the series, please take it to the EQD post by Blaze.))
Purification of Earth has come and gone, and now many of the world's converted inhabitants move out to recolonize their homes.
Pencil Sketch, formally a Kenneth Baxter, looks ...
Also the way the dialogue is spoken in this fic give out an impression that he was the only one who got turned into a pony and was accepted into this school. That I found hard to believe.
Third, Yeah I know the premise, him getting put into a class for of fillies was suppose to be a joke, but I'm afraid that it's a joke that was never funny and in a way feels insulting to the character. Also the fact that his talent is that he can draw. I like to draw your attention the a quote in chapter 1
"You're pretty old to be a blank-flank, so I wanted to cheer you up and make you one..." Oh, f*beep*, waterworks. Quick, put on a smile and pretend she didn't just stamp your ass with wet paint.
Here the words blank-flank suggested to the reader that this character has no cutie mark, which means he had no special talent. So yeah with that quote the reader can find it hard to believe that an person who just turned into a unicorn (as far as I know) as is able to draw perfectly with his magic. Which then contradicts later on as he doesn't know how to hold his magic until he had that artefact.
Fourth, Yeah making different languages is difficult and if you can't make it work then don't do it as a story can suffer. I never understood that the humans that have turned into ponies know the Equestrian language straight away. Sure, writing can be difficult. But as he knew what they were saying and they were speaking to each other in English. It felt like they were speaking English, not their native language. I never said the character was dumb. I just criticized the language barrier but then it shouldn't been called Equestrian Language, it should have been called like Equestrian writing. I called the ponies dumb and so far the writing has establish as not a smart race. Which feels very insulting to people that turned into ponies as they take the blunt of it.
Fifth, I just need to put a quote in here which is from Chapter 2.
“So there's no such thing as an Equestrian to English dictionary.”
Sixth, again it hard to understand the language thing as it is done badly. Also it based on MLP:FIM and most people who would read this will have watched MLP:FIM. It would feel of about the language thing as they never established they have Equestrian Language or writing.
Seventh, this is what I mean about the ponies being stupid. Did it accrue to anyone that a full grown human who turned into a unicorn could attend that school? Why didn't Celestia tell the Principle to change the system so people like Ken Bexter doesn't get mistreated and have him feel stupid. If I point it like that It shouldn't feel believable. If you say that Celestia couldn't get the system change then she can make a law to get it change. She is the ruler, am I right?
Eighth, I got really nothing to say here but thanks for the comment that I got a point.
Ninth, here you just backed up what I was trying to say. Thanks for putting it simpler.
Tenth, I would like to get something out that I do not hate fluff. I read a few books and comics that are fluff, Owly by Andy Runton, Bone by Jeff Smith (Less so but got elements of fluff sometimes mainly in the woods when winter) and A sausage dog book that has a dog liking sausages. The reason why these fluff stories are good is because we like the character and we find their situation they get into very entertaining. We find Owly innocents and loving to be very sweet and endearing. Not only that, he is very adorable. Same with the sausage dog. While the character from Bones are all different and entertaining also the conversation and situation they get themselve into are so entertaining and also can be sometimes funny. Pencil Sketch character really has no character, not only that he is never put in an entertaining situation that would reflect on his character. TBH, I think that the fault of the Slice of Life label and tone we get.
Eleventh, I didn't know I was commenting on chapter 3, sorry about that. Me not looking. Plus when I posted it, I just copied and paste into a comment box. I wrote this critique so that the writer can learn and I could learn as I'm trying out to be a reviewer. I describe the writing as bland as there is not meat to any conversation, description or his inner thoughts.
Twelfth, I feel that the comment that the critique might of well be deleted was said because you think I was trolling or just jumping on the bandwagon of hating this fic. Let me tell you something, I had no idea the situation that Pencil Sketch. I just hunted down an fan fiction with a low score and I came across this. It was the first one I found that grab my attention as its a short read. That is the only praise I can give it. Its a short read. It didn't waste my time. But that does not excuse it for it faults. I don't feel like making a profile as making one means nothing. I never rated it as I don't believe quality can be judged with a scoring system.
I hope that explains myself better. But let me give this paragraph to say something to Pencil Sketch. I have no idea about your situation this fic was in. I just written a review to point out the positive and negative about your work. I couldn't find really any positive. I also wanted to write a review so that it creates discussion. My review did seems heavy handed I do agree, but instead of deleting it, you could of just point out flaws with my review and I could cleaned it up and reposted a better version which then you could take down the old one. You enjoy writing story and that is fine, great even. Its the same I like writing reviews I find it fun. Its great your opened to criticism, I feel that more people out there should be able to take criticism and praises as long people can explain why. Also let me explain something about my heavy handed review. The reason why it felt heavy handed was because that the way I write, in a way, it was my writing style. Going for the truth and not trying to sugar coat it, that's the way I write.
Anyway, I'm said all I have to say. Thanks for letting me rebuttal to your criticism of my review Midnightshadow. And thank you Pencil Sketch for actually taking some criticism on board.
1297
The thing about being compared to Stephanie Meyer is, well... she's a published author. I think her work is pretty terrible; schlocky, angsty and pandering to the crowd. Then again, she got published. Pandering gets you places. To be honest, that's a bit what my (first at least) CB story is. It's wish fulfilment through and through, very light on the conflict and generally silly. I don't think there's anything I'd change about it, either. It's played tongue in cheek, which is why Midnight in the story is the biggest slice of ham you'll find. He's a self-insert with Stu tendencies, but that's part of the appeal of writing it. Writing something which is just plain bad, but doing it enjoyably.
I don't know who HR is, I didn't see the original comments, so here's this blog entry to vent on, as long as you don't devolve into personal attacks (you can definitely call my writing dreadful, if you can say why). It's all a bit mystifying, really, why that story in particular garnered so much verbose commentary (and from what I saw, very little of it hitting the mark).
More later.
1297
I haven't actually seen this youtube video. I loved apple.mov, and the one where they beat up the little girl to steal the last applejack made me laugh my ass off. I'll try to find this pizza hut one.
1306
I just find the whole premise to being very miserable to be honest. I class myself as a bit of a humanist, so this is to be expected. It just put “Humanity” in a no-win situation against a race that is largely uncaring on their plight and is ultimately taking advantage on them. That's how I see it. If someone didn't wish to be a pony, well, they in a bit of trouble, as most stories have Equestria taking over the Earth. So the stories became the whole join us or die things, so it becomes genocide on a wide scale, by the Ponies, whom are written as mostly the "good guys". Like I said, miserable.
That's actually why I wrote the (admittedly raw and less well-edited) "the day the sky changed" collection, as well as Gypsy and Together (to some extent). I find the idea that "the good guys" (the ponies) are actually genociding the human race to be a fascinating idea. This automatically, in some respects, puts the ponies as "evil" and the HLF as "good". Midnight's Tail is fluff - let me make that clear - it's supposed to be lighthearted and fun. Twist in the tail, to a great extent, is also supposed to be light hearted (especially the minisodes).
The CB setting itself, ignoring the original, is a fun vehicle to play with to do a smattering of self-insert. If you're going to hate an entire alternate universe because of what it's there for, then you're missing the point. Yes, there are some really, really, really awful CB stories. Some are irredeemably so, they read as heartless, shallow tirades against humanity. I don't actually enjoy that very much, it's not realistic, unless it's done very, very carefully. Chatoyance's stuff is realistic - there are slums FAR worse than the ones she pictures out there *right now*, and more to the point there are some wonderfully flawed and heartfelt characters as well as some downright bastards in her stories, and that juxtaposition is what I really like. I also adore the mishmash of sci-fi and fantasy, call it a weakness. I don't enjoy shitty literature.
In short, there are some relatively deep takes on this simple idea - I like to pretend I can at least skim a bit deeper than the surface if I try. You may, may I say, like those. You've certainly read a lot for a genre you don't like. Maybe you read a lot. Maybe, if you'd like to write something, you could redress the balance. Show us ponies being evil, or how things really are. I tried with Tick Tock.
Also, I find the universe is fairly shallow in general. There are two worlds in the fics, the "Human" world, and Equestria. Equestria get a lot of attention within the fic I find, which the "Human" world is largely ignored in general. Also, most follow that the ponies are overly good and the "humans" are overly bad. Sure, there are a few good "humans" and a few bad ponies, but they are a few in between, I find.
I don't know, Midnight's Tail was roughly half and half, or maybe even two thirds in the human world. Twist is probably about the same. Writing bad ponies is difficult, but because they're depicted as good in the show, and quite frankly humans can be really vicious to each other. I'm actually trying to do that with "the day the sky changed".
Thinking through my favourites, they all feature good and bad humans, but you're right, I think I'm the only one (other than Chatoyance) with a "bad" pony or two. I have a story I want to write about that, but it's not ready yet.
I'll stop here for now, but more later!
1306
Misanthropy.
You're quite right, a lot of these have terribly flat humans in them. Some of them are downright ridiculous, with cardboard-cutout characters that rage and grimace in the most obscene caricatures I have ever seen. It makes me sad to read those sorts.
I try to avoid misanthropy, but you can't escape it entirely when your main characters want to abandon their humanity to become a pony. The interesting thing is that these characters want to rediscover who they are. They are essentially still human, when I write them. They don't change internally much except by growth (hopefully). Last Man Standing features a human who won't become a pony, eventually he can't. He wanted to give up his humanity for his child - what greater testament can there be to how wonderful humans can behave?
Chatoyance's stuff, on the other hand, is a lot of fun to read because it is a crapsack world. It's NOT misanthropic, it's a crapsack world. There is a difference, learn it. She has brilliant humans, fierce humans, despairing humans, lost humans, despicable humans and wonderful humans. She does have those humans changing somehow fundamentally when they become ponies, but that's part of how she writes the world, and it's interesting seeing this filter in action. It's hard to say why ponies shouldn't be different to humans when they ARE aliens, and hard to call it misanthropy when we're holding up an admittedly unreal, super-happy sugarbowl world against an admittedly in-real-life and well written gritty, dark real world.
She pulls no punches, people ACT like that, and worse, so her "humans are bastards" is believable, same as the anti-mutant lot in the x-men comics. They are just as complex, and her ponies aren't all perfect either, they're just different.
Anyway, "war" was an overstatement, perhaps, but thanks for commenting.
1308
I really hope this guys comes back. I'm not sure he will. It would be interesting to hear the rest of what he had to say - the basic thing was that he hadn't read any other TCB fic apart from the bad original, and this sequel-to-an-unread-prequel.
There's one thing actually that bothers me - I thought he'd got a cutie mark. Maybe I missed it. Hmm. That'd be kinda dumb if he had, and then now it's gone. Writers, even with fluff, be consistent!
Eh, I got nothing else.
Have a good one!