Found one of my old writing attempts · 2:51am Oct 3rd, 2013
So I wanted to write a trans themed MLP FanFic over the summer and had some concepts, I also gained inspiration after seeing this and reading the entire Dysphoria series. At first I liked my concepts, but didn't know how to setup this series using existing characters and writing for me was a new experience, so here is a scrap of my first writing with hardly any editing (by myself only, no one else) and a pretty rushed story.
Transition, by Lady Froey
Prologue:
It was another night at work for me. I am mainly a DJ and most know me by my name DJ-Pon3, it’s a cute name but I prefer to be known by my actual name Vinyl Scratch. The business guys at my record label said my stage name and image help sell my records and I needed to help provide for my partner and I so I do what I can to bring money in.My average work night consist of me going to dance clubs and simply spinning some records and doing some live mixes, mostly music consisting of wubs within the dubstep genre. I originally produced more original electronic music but it wasn’t until I released a dubstep sequel that everyone started to enjoy my work as they call it. It’s nice being known as the biggest dubstep producer and DJ in Equestria, but secretly I hated my current image and work. I feel like I am lying to my entire fan base and everyone I know, again though. The business guys say my current image sells.
I’m tired of lying.
Chapter 1:
It was 10 minutes before 10 in the evening, tonight I was to play a show in one of Canterlot’s famous theaters. This theater was mainly known for its shows with famous classical musicians, but tonight that was going to change as I was given the pleasure of being the first DJ to play here. The record label guys had to pull a lot of strings but they managed to sell out the entire theater in less than an hour when they announced I was going to play here. DJ Pon-3, the biggest DJ in Equestria, playing in a classical Canterlot theater.“Ready Ms. Pon3?” One of the theaters staff asked me.
I spent the last hour checking my gear making sure everything was set for the show, I nodded.
“All set and ready to go, and please. Call me Vinyl.”
Soon the lights in the theater dimmed as I powered up my gear and starting spinning one of my records starting with a simple intro, the crowd was already cheering and excited to see their favorite DJ perform. I then started my setlist and played “wubs” all night.
---
“Great show Vinyl! You definitely impressed the crowd tonight!”
My agent always said this after all of my shows, my job was to impress crowds of people so what else was I going to do?“Thanks, do I have any other meetings or shows this week?”
My Agent shook his head, “Nope, this was the event we were waiting for all year. Take the next few days off and we will have a meeting with the music executives next week on Monday.”
I smiled, “Thanks Agent, can I get a ride home? I need to rest.”
He nodded, “Already prepared, a carriage is sitting outside waiting for you. Goodnight Ms. Scratch.”
“Good night.”
I walked out through the backstage area of the theater, at the exit doors stood two big stallions. I guess these guys were here to make sure I made it to my carriage safely. As they saw me they opened the doors and the first thing I saw were two more stallions in front of an entire crowd of fans and paparazzi to meet me, I was happy to see my fans but I was already done with work today and I just wanted to go home. The 4 stallion bodyguards helped escort me to my carriage safely as I stepped inside and gave a small thank you to the bodyguards.
---
Soon the carriage took off as I was headed back to my apartment in Manehatten, I lived there ever since I was born. My family was never that rich so I always tend to play with the colts outside, there were some fillies in the neighborhood of course but I always tended to play more physical activities. It wasn’t until my teenage years I got into music and started attending live underground shows that consisted of nothing but old school electronic music. The energy of those events were nothing like today, it did not matter how you identified or even who was playing. As long as music was playing the parties never stopped.
After a few hours of flight and good ol’ manhattan traffic the carriage arrived at my apartment. While I was poor at a young age my current career allowed me to afford something of higher class, I did not need the space of a mansion though so I rent a very expensive apartment with my partner Octavia. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Some ponies freaked out when a DJ like myself was dating not just a mare, but a mare who played cello for one of Equestria biggest orchestra’s. I didn’t see the problem though I just liked her for who she was as she thinks the same also.
---
After walking through the building, to the elevators, and going up a few floors I finally made it to my apartment and opened the door. The entire apartment was dark except for a single lamp remaining lit in the center of the open apartment. I headed straight to the bedroom as I found my love laying in bed as I joined her.
Octavia woke up and mumbled “Good evening Vinyl, how was your show?”
I was super tired and just wanted rest. “It was good Octi, I would like to talk about it but its 4am. We can talk more about it tomorrow.”
“Okay, night Vinyl.”
“Night Octi.”---
I woke up some hours later, I woke up by myself as light poured into our bedroom and I checked the clock.
“12PM... I need to play earlier shows...” I rubbed my face and soon trotted over to the bathroom as I did my morning routine and soon trotted over to the kitchen where I met Octavia.
“Good afternoon Vinyl, how are you feeling?”
Still tired I looked over at her. “Fine I guess, sorry for getting up late.”
Octavia smiled, “It’s a part of your career, I would prefer you play earlier but neither of us can do anything about that. How was the show?”I was blunt, “.....It was fine. Just another show but on a bigger scale.”
Octavia had a confused look on her face, “Wasn’t your show one of the top shows in Equestria this year? You don’t look too happy after playing.”
I sighed, “While it was one of the biggest shows, I only do it to satisfy my fans. All I do is take Vinyl Records and spin some wubs as people dance into the late night. While I appreciate their like of my music......I feel it isn’t my music.”
Octavia was even more confused. “What do you mean it doesn’t feel like your music? You created those... Sounds? Correct?”
I smirked, “All I do is take other peoples work, mash it into some form of music the masses and my record label like, and then play it using my brand name image as my music executives like to call it. I am not happy Octavia, about what I do.”Octavia sat next to me. “Vinyl, is there something you want to tell me..?”
I put my hooves up on the table now as I sat my head down on them. “Octavia... I don’t feel like myself... Ever since I started playing these big shows and get to be known as DJ-Pon3 I did not feel like myself at all, I feel like I am nothing more than a fake character that everyone looks up to as a real pony.”
“Vinyl... I...”
I started tearing up now. “I am lying to you and my entire fan base, I don’t enjoy anything that I do. I am a DJ controlled entirely by music executives.”
“Vinyl I love you.” Octavia started to tear up also.
“I love you too Octi, but not like this...” we both held onto each other crying.
“Vinyl what are you saying..?”
I lost myself at this point. “I don’t feel like who I am, both as a musician and myself.”
there was nothing but sadness and silence after that.
I've had concepts for a future FanFic set within the Dysphoria universe or maybe continue on with this, but not sure about my writing ability and/or dedication towards writing such a fic. We'll see in the future.
This is a great idea!
1391362
I have too many good ideas, I just need to find the motivation to write them.
1391375
Start writing or you will be made to eat five lemons a day!
Slowly!
I am liking this so far. You should definitely write this more out. What you got right now is actually a story as is, just it isn't obvious what is up with Vinyl.
1391440
Both Turai and I threw around concepts and ideas when I brought up my original concepts, I could continue it. We'll see.
1391442
I can give you a push every now and then, if you can give me a push every now and then to finish editing my trans Twilight story.
If you have trouble writing a long multi chapter story, start out small.
Make a short one shot and if you want, give it a way for a sequel to happen in case you want to continue it.
1391506
You know me, I like long fics. Not one shots.
1391514
There's a difference between reading and writing you silly filly.
If you got no or little experience writing then it might be difficult to jump right into a 50.000 word fic ya know?
Practice makes perfect and by writing shorter fics you're not only getting practice but also feedback on your work, helping you improve and giving you outside motivation.
1391538
True, but I rather just release chapters slowly rather than release other fics I have no inspiration for.
why not publish?
also CONTEST PLUG
Quick question, what about that hasbro shop link implied Vinyl was male... ?
1394257
That too, which inspired the art I linked.
1394266
I mean, I checked both and... I don't see it? I understand what the implication is but I don't see where it came from. Maybe the shop page was fixed or something, I just don't see it.
1394273
Oh yeah, it was fixed no more than a day after. It was only a typo on the website page not on the collectible figure.
1394279
Ah. Okay. Is there a copy pasta of the original, unfixed quotation? I'd like to see it, possibly use it for something...
1394287
Totally my headcanon.
Edits are in italics.
Prologue:
It was another night at work for me. I am mainly a DJ and most know me by my name DJ-Pon3, it’s a cute name but I prefer to be known by my actual name Vinyl Scratch. The business guys at my record label say (you've mixed past and present tenses already) my stage name and image help sell my records and I need to help provide for my partner and deleted unnecessary and grammatically incorrect pronoun so I do what I can to bring money in.
My average work night consists of me going to dance clubs, (and creates a runon fragment) simply spinning some records and doing some live mixes. Most of the music consisting of wubs within the dubstep genre. I originally produced more original electronic music but it wasn't until I released a dubstep sequel that everyone started to enjoy my "work" (since you've painted this as a sarcastic comment, place quotes around it) as they call it. It’s nice being known as the biggest dubstep producer and DJ in Equestria, but secretly I (allows for greater flow) hated my current image and work. I feel like I'm lying to my entire fan base and everyone I know, again though, (creating a compound sentence prevents a jagged, unfinished thought in this case) the business guys say my current image sells.
I’m tired of lying to myself, and everyone else (fits the rest of the writing up to this point, and re-enforces the image of an emotionally exhausted individual).
Chapter 1:
It was 10 minutes before 10 in the evening, and tonight I was to play a show in one of Canterlot’s famous theaters. This theater was mainly known for its concerts (move varied word choice needed) featuring (necessary adding of more complex vocabulary) famous classical musicians, but tonight that exclusivity was at an end as I was given the pleasure of being the first DJ to play here. The record label guys had to pull a lot of strings, but they managed to sell out the entire theater in less than an hour when they announced I was going to play here. DJ Pon-3, the biggest DJ in Equestria, playing in a Canterlotian classical music theater... (shows a very deliberate pause separating the inner narrative from the following passage)
“Ready Ms. Pon3?” One of the theater' (simply forgot to add it)s staff asked me.
I had (this continues with the whole past/present tense comment from earlier) spent the last hour checking my gear, (separates these two thoughts) making sure everything was set for the show, I nodded.
“All set and ready to go, and please. Call me Vinyl.” (something needs to be added to describe her tone, allowing for the reader to get a greater grasp on her emotional state going into this.)
Soon the lights in the theater dimmed and (one does not simply time anything that perfectly, not even the magnificent Vinyl Scratch) I powered up my gear, ready to begin (fits with the previous edit) spinning one of my records, (comma needed to seperate actions from thoughts) starting with a simple intro. (Needs a hard stop for that. It was beginning to become ludicrous) The crowd was already cheering and excited to see their favorite DJ performing (maintaining one tense is going to be a major problem, isn't it?). I queued up (word repetition will kill a story) my setlist and blasted the (Vinyl doesn't "play" anything. Even earlier in this story you acknowledge that she prefers electric music and therefor has little reason to refer to dubstep as "playing") “wubs” for the rest of the (another instance of improper tense. Are you depicting her as looking back on it all, or living it out?) night.
---
“Great show Vinyl! You definitely impressed the crowd tonight!”
My agent always said this after (removed several unnecessary articles.) my shows. (thought needs to end here to create an opening for the next.)What did he expect, my job was to impress crowds of ponies (I don't know if you wanted this ponified, but most if not all readers want it that way)so what else was I going to do?
“Thanks, do I have any other meetings or shows this week?” (needs some description of tone, the question alone doesn't do enough to set her tone)
My Agent (he really should have a name, or at least some reason for her to continue referring to him as "Agent". Presumably, they've been working together for some time.) shook his head, “Nope, this was the event we've been (more tense correction) waiting for all year. Take the next few days off and we'll have a meeting with the music executives next week on Monday.”
I smiled, “Thanks Agent, could I get a ride home? I definitely need a (I'm not sure if you're trying to portray Vinyl in a new, more sophisticated, light, but this word choice goes against the accepted grain of her character.) rest.”
He nodded, “Already prepared, a carriage is sitting outside waiting for you. Goodnight Ms. Scratch.”
“Later (possibly add a 'Mr. Agent' if the reason she keeps referring to him as Agent has a sarcastic basis).”
As I walked out through the backstage area of the theater, near the exit doors stood two big stallions. I guess these guys were here to make sure I made it to my carriage safely. The moment (overuse of 'as' in this paragraph demanded a deviation) they saw me they opened the doors and the first thing I saw were two more stallions in front of an entire crowd of fans and paparazzi, absolutely desperate (this sets the mood for the crowd, giving the reader a sense of what Vinyl is experiencing) to meet me, I was happy to see my fans but I was already done with work today and I just wanted to go home. My four (never use numbers such as *4* in your writing. Looks amateur-ish) (continuing to refer to them as 'stallions' is redundant. Their genders have been established.) bodyguards helped escort me to my carriage safely as I gratefully (if she's going to be thanking them, some build up is necessary) climbed (she just played an entire set of headbanging dubstep, she's established that she's tired, so she'd climb in) inside the waiting carriage (remain in scene) and gave a small thank you to the bodyguards through the still open door.
---
Almost immediately, the carriage took off and I was gazing out the window as I, once again, headed back to my apartment in Manehatten, I had lived there or somewhere similar ever since I was born. My family was never that well off when it came to bits, so I always tend to play with the colts outside. (hard stop to separate two statements) There had always been some fillies in the neighborhood, of course, but I always gravitated toward playing the more physical games. It wasn't until my teenage years I got into music and started attending live underground shows that consisted of nothing but old-school electronic music. The energy of those events were like nothing you'd find today. It didn't matter how you identified yourself, or even who was playing. As long as the music was playing, the parties never stopped.
After a few hours of flight )flight? When was it revealed to be a flying carriage? Oh? just now? Okay. and good ol’ Manhattan sky (if its going to by a sky carriage, you'll need to elaborate on the conditions of its medium. Also, other flying carriages that late? You've attended concerts before in other cities.) traffic the carriage arrived at my apartment. While I had been poor at a young age, (definitely want to separate these two thoughts) my current career allowed me to afford something of a much higher class, I didn't need the space of a mansion though, so I had rented a very expensive apartment with my partner Octavia. Yes, I have a fillyfriend. Some ponies freak out when a DJ like myself happened to be dating not just a mare, but a mare who played cello for one of Equestria biggest orchestra’s. I didn't see the problem though, I just liked her for who she was. I'd like to believe she thinks the same.
---
After shuffling through the building, falling into the elevators, and going up the few floors necessary, I finally made it to my apartment and fumbled open the door. The entire apartment was dark, with the except of a single lamp remaining lit in the center of the apartment. I headed straight to the bedroom and discovered Octavia, my love, laying in bed looking rather lonely. I, of course, moved to join her.
Octavia, thus awoken, attempted to rise and mumbled “Good evening Vinyl, how was your show?”
I was exhausted to the point were conversation really shouldn't have been an option and just wanted to finally rest. “It was good Octi (really? You chose this over Tavi? meh, your story), I'd love to talk about it but its 4 am... (insert yawn, or other expression of exhaustion) Could we talk more about it tomorrow?”
“Oh, all right. Goodnight Vinyl.”
“Night Octi.”
---
I woke up some hours later, alone as light poured in through our bedroom window and I blearily checked the clock on the nightstand.
“Noon... I need to start playing earlier shows...” I quickly rubbed at my face and as soon as I was able trotted over to the bathroom to begin my morning(?) routine. (Run-ons are going to be a thing...) Afterwards I quickly cantered over to the kitchen where I discovered Octavia.
“Good afternoon Vinyl, how are you feeling?”
Still tired I looked over at her. “Fine I guess, sorry for getting up so late.”
Octavia smiled, “It’s a part of your career, I would prefer you play earlier but neither of us can do much, ifanything, about that. How was the show?”
I was blunt, “.....It was fine. Just another show, but on a bigger scale.” (Some sort of sigh, or grunt would be a nice inclusion here)
Octavia quickly adopted a confused look, “Wasn't your show meant to be one of the top performancesin Equestria this year? You don’t look too happy after playing such a momentous event.” (Inserting some bit of nervous befuddlement would work quite well here)
I sighed heavily, “While it was one of the biggest shows I've ever done, I only did it to satisfy the fans. All I do is spin some records, blast some wubs and ponies dance until the night is over. While I appreciate them liking my music......I feel it isn't my(this simply needs to be italicized or otherwise made stressed) music.”
Octavia was even more confused. “What do you mean, it doesn't feel like your music? You created those... Sounds? Correct?”
I smirked sardonically, “All I do is take other ponies work, mash it into some form of synthesized beat the masses and my record label like, and then blast it using my brand name as my "music executives"(as this seems quite sarcastic, using her hooves to make quotes fits and adds depth to the story) like to call it. I'm not happy about what I do Octi (you've established a petname. Failing to use it when appropriate weakens it).”
Octavia sat next to me (When did she sit?). “Vinyl, is there something you want to tell me..?”
I put my hooves up on the table (She's sitting at the table?) so that my hooves could cradle my head. “Octi... I don’t feel like myself... Ever since I started playing these big shows, and getting to be known as DJ-Pon3, I don't feel like myself at all, I feel like I'm nothing more than a fake character in some stupid story that everypony expects to be real.”
“Vinyl... I...” (some emotional verbs used to describe her dialog would be nice.)
I started tearing up now. “I've been lying to you and my entire fan base. I don’t enjoy anything about what I do. I'm a artificially produced DJ controlled entirely by my music executives.”
“Vinyl I love you.” Octavia starting to tear up also.
“I love you too Octi, but I haven't earn that, not when I'm like this...” we both held onto each other (When did they move to be holding eachother?) crying (When did it move past 'tearing up'? A lot of missed details....).
“Vinyl, what are you saying..?”
I completely lost myself at this point. “I don’t feel like who I am, both as a musician and myself
! (this is a ridiculously emotional statement, and it needs SOMETHING in the area of description to show that.)”
There was nothing but sadness and silence at our table after that.
1426775
Oh I just asked for a reading, not an edit. Again this was a scrap and has been massively edited ever since. I do have the Prologue and Chapter 1 in Gdocs but it is not finished as it is missing content and still needs another rewrite most likely.
1426780
Meh. It was bugging me, so instead of doing the edits in my head, like normal, I just typed them out.
Read what I've done if you'd like. I'm not to badly disappointed I took a look at it.
1426784
I do love your style of editing of my first attempted writing (granted you are the first editor I ever had,) I will contact you whenever I get "finished" with Prologue + Chapter 1.
1426804
Works for me.
Btw, your 'first attempt' =
Most =
1426842
It was scrapped for a reason.
1426845
Its a rough draft. A good editor team can easily make this work...
Most stories tho...