I'm hardly one to talk: a review of Eakin's The Incredible Rockiness of a Winning Rock · 12:13pm May 30th, 2013

There's a weird feeling going back to reviewing after spending a while away from it; you think you're going to write a positive review, and everything comes down in flames the moment you start thinking about what you've just read.

It's a sobering epiphany.

Eakin's The Incredible Rockiness of a Winning Rock: We get it, it's a bloody rock

I’ve never read anything in the Winningverse.
That’s a lie, really. I’ve read a story where Derpy gets cancer and another one where she then has horrible sex with Rainbow Dash by a man with Gaben for a profile picture, and that’s all I need to know.

I started out photoshopping this with the caption ‘everything I need to know about the Winningverse I learnt when Dash gave Derpy cervical cancer¹’, but I got sidetracked.
Now, satire is an interesting beast stuck on a simple continuum of artistry. We’ve got the usual sort of satire one sees nowadays, obviously, First-Amendment-hugging screams of sardonic hatred, but once in a while we get our very own Modest Proposals: works of literary art remembered as much for their own intelligence as they are for that which they need to leech from the work they satirise.
I’m not going to say this is one of them.
The Incredible Rockiness of a Winning Rock is conflicted. Its characters suffer the satirist’s trap of moving from self-awareness to verfremdungseffekt, creating a strange sort of emptiness in the prose: the characters begin to feel less like individuals than they do the author’s puppets.
This impression isn’t helped by the sentences. Observe the following:
That was when the thunderclouds burst into wisps and the sunlight broke over the two mares on the ground as Princess Celestia herself descended from the heavens. "My little ponies," she said to the shocked Cloud Kicker. Tom was not shocked, as he was an exceptionally well-grounded individual. "Derpy Hooves was a good mare, taken from us too soon. While I am usually loath to interfere in the cycle of life and death, in this case I will make an exception." Celestia lowered her horn and touched it to Derpy's chest. Her eyes flew open and she gasped as life returned to her body.
There is something terribly wrong that tickles the throat as this paragraph is read. Everything is done quickly, each action started and completed in a single sentence without so much as a metaphor to liven it up, and the mention of Tom—who seems to be the only independent joke in the story, invoked and then forgotten and remembered over and over, as if the story is throwing handfuls of ammonium nitrate and aluminum powder at the reader and wondering why an explosion hasn’t ensued—acts as clutter that would do much better as a bathetic postscript³ than an infix.
Let us not forget, for a moment, that this is meant to be a comedy. The narrative clearly isn’t meant to be serious in the slightest, and as such we have to make the sad but necessary assumption that anything not interspersed with humour is building itself towards something hilarious; we have to assume that words are not being wasted in the quoted text, because the drama’s certainly not going to win any prizes on its own.
This, however, is a comedy which marks its jokes.

Pictured: An incredibly classy joke.
A sentence seems to be either a joke sentence or an explicative one, and a paragraph is either funny or expressly against the very idea, occasionally containing some reference to Tom as a feeble afterthought. There is none of the humour interspersed throughout the prose that you might find in any decent comedy, nothing that you might find strewn about (for example) Three Men in a Boat⁴ but instead what ends up giving off a constant impression of loneliness utterly devoid of any sense of pacing.
Indeed: its flaws in pacing might be responsible for a great deal of its others. Its pace is frantic in that rapid-fire ‘I hope this joke sticks’ sense (and here the awkward, constant shift in character paradigms strikes, as if there were a list of gags written down in a list somewhere and then copy-pasted); I can almost see the section breaks left omitted.
Now, the story’s split-tannerite comedy does collide rather often—enough to provoke a few giggles and an upvote, at least from me—but the jokes never manage to stick together long enough to provoke anything more than what it has; it feels, in other words, like I’ve just read some ghostwritten e-book titled A Hilarious Introduction To the Winningverse with Tom the Rock!
(For ages twelve and under.)
30th May 2013,
Yishun, Singapore
¹ Dash does not actually give Derpy cervical cancer².
² I hope.
³ Now, this isn’t to say that this paragraph needs to be interspersed with humour. Bathos is one of the greatest types of comedy, and here it is done in the least suspenseful way possible. Compare this:
That was when the thunderclouds burst into wisps and the sunlight broke over the two mares on the ground as Princess Celestia herself descended from the heavens. "My little ponies," she said to the shocked Cloud Kicker. Tom was not shocked, as he was an exceptionally well-grounded individual. "Derpy Hooves was a good mare, taken from us too soon. While I am usually loath to interfere in the cycle of life and death, in this case I will make an exception." Celestia lowered her horn and touched it to Derpy's chest. Her eyes flew open and she gasped as life returned to her body.
with this:
The thunderclouds burst into wisps as the sunlight broke over the two mares on the ground; Cloud Kicker looked up in wonder as Celestia, her wings spread as her hooves touched the ground.
“My little ponies,” she said, as the living pony stared up at her, terrified, “before me lies the body of a mare named Derpy Hooves, [insert praise here].”
She looked down at the body, a look of deep contemplation on her face, before she spoke again. “While I have sworn that the cycle of life and death [insert bullshit metaphysics here], here it is clear that I must break my oath so that such wonder may grace our lands once again.”
Celestia lowered her horn, the tip touching [insert ~~gay joke~~ detailed description of Derpy coming back to life here].
Cloud Kicker’s mouth gaped in wonder as the spectacle unfolded before her; Tom might have done something similar, were he not an exceptionally well-grounded individual.
[Insert description of Derpy coming back to life here; alternatively, hard-end with ‘were he not a rock’ instead]
⁴ As a thought exercise: observe the following randomly selected paragraph from Three Men in a Boat and count the jokes, attempted or otherwise, per sentence and assign a value to quality.
I still went on pulling, however, and still no lock came in sight, and the river grew more and more gloomy and mysterious under the gathering shadows of night, and things seemed to be getting weird and uncanny. I thought of hobgoblins and banshees, and will-o’-the-wisps, and those wicked girls who sit up all night on rocks, and lure people into whirl-pools and things; and I wished I had been a better man, and knew more hymns; and in the middle of these reflections I heard the blessed strains of “He’s got ’em on,” played, badly, on a concertina, and knew that we were saved.
Compare, then, to the average amount and quality in the following:
"Hi Derpy," Cloud Kicker called up and waved a hoof to draw her eye. Derpy looked down and Cloud Kicker thought she saw a smile appear on her face, despite the dark bags under her eyes. She began to slowly circle over the park and glide down to ground level rather than try to drop more quickly. Her strength had been fading lately and she was doing whatever she could to conserve it. Derpy tried to land next to Cloud Kicker, but carried too much speed from her glide. She tripped over her own hooves and tumbled forward until she smacked face first into Tom. Tom would have apologized except, you know, the rock thing.
(Note: Assume for the purposes of the equation that you have the same sense of humour for the former as a late 1800s Englishman.)

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Comments ( 16 )

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Arcainum

Arcainum #1 · May 30th, 2013 · 2 · ·

I've always wondered why you put these reviews in a quotebox.

Amit

Amit #2 · May 30th, 2013 · 2 · ·

1113937
It gives me a space to insert personal remarks, allows me to neatly give it a second title, encloses it rather nicely in a simple rectangular box and gives the review a grey background, ~~happily representing the bleakness in my soul~~ which I believe to be somewhat easier on the eyes.

RainbowBob

RainbowBob #3 · May 30th, 2013 · · ·

I always wondered what the Winningverse is all about. I keep on seeing those stories in the featured box, but I never bothered to read one. What's the appeal in them? Is there a certain gimmick that everyone enjoys? Or is it a straight up romance/comedy universe?

Sir0Chicken

Sir0Chicken #4 · May 30th, 2013 · · ·

1114037
The original two stories are good. I haven't read anything besides them, but they're both worth reads in my opinion.

Fiddlebottoms

Fiddlebottoms #5 · May 30th, 2013 · · ·

The word Winningverse drives me mad.
I don't know why, but I will never be able to read one of those stories, just because ...
Winningverse.

Seriously, that word, no. No. No.

It is worse than Chess Game of the Gods, because at least that title doesn't sound to wretchedhorrible. Although the circlejerk aspect (It is already fanfiction, do you seriously need to create your little hugbox in it?) is still there.

Winningverse.

Amit

Amit #6 · May 30th, 2013 · 1 · ·

1114251
I'm more disturbed by the titles. They look like they've all been directly translated from Romance languages, which drives my inner linguist to cunning depths.

Darth Gundam

Darth Gundam #7 · May 30th, 2013 · · ·

Okay this is ridiculous, you took a story that flat out says it's nonsensical randomness and expected decent plot and writing structure. Do you also complain when there is no chicken in your chicken-fried steak? (alternatively insert another just as ridiculous regional food here) At this point I wonder what stories if any you do like, or if you just dislike anyone who gets in the feature box and doesn't write with you new dry prose? You had two fantastic stories that I loved and followed you for and now all you write is dry meta fics that I struggle to read through. "Judgement" was a very interesting look at interpersonal relationships between a character who has feelings for the other character, and the other character who does not share these feelings. "Solace" was amazing one of the first sad-fics I ever enjoyed, it had a great ending that we both even discoursed the possible directions it could be implied to take, hell I registered my account to have that discussion. "Twilight Discovers Literary Analysis" is funny yes, however the prose is so dry and long-winded it took three sittings to get through, not because of length mind you, but for the reading was boring and so drawn out for a joke that had little pay-off for the wait. Then you started to post these reviews which you claim are unbiased, as a third party to all of them, and someone who went out of his way to read all the stories you reviewed to see if there was merit to what you said, I can safely say that you have the same definition of unbiased as the news networks in America. You couch hateful and unnecessary remarks in long wined prose that uses old and outmoded terms to make it look fancier and more intelligent, when to anyone with a half-way decent reading comprehension can tell that it's the same petty insults to others writing and opinions that have gotten anthers like Karen Traviss a massive number of people who loath them, anyone who disagrees with you is a moron, and you know better then everyone else because you wrote the novel. Never-minding the fact that more respected and liked authors than you try to give you advice, you know better than them. This is sad and honestly just needs to stop.

Also honestly,

I’ve never read anything in the Winningverse.
That’s a lie, really. I’ve read a story where Derpy gets cancer and another one where she then has horrible sex with Rainbow Dash by a man with Gaben for a profile picture, and that’s all I need to know.

Is just as insipid as you can be, I mean honestly, if you haven't read the series then why in the hell are you talking about a story that involves most if not all of them?

Spectrumancer

Spectrumancer #8 · May 30th, 2013 · · ·

1114255

...which drives my inner linguist to cunning depths.

Amit

Amit #9 · May 30th, 2013 · 1 · ·

1114287

Okay this is ridiculous, you took a story that flat out says it's nonsensical randomness and expected decent plot and writing structure.

I expected it to be funny and incisive, insofar as it is meant to be a 'parody' or 'satire'. It's occasionally funny, but its structure gets in the way of it being either.

At this point I wonder what stories if any you do like, or if you just dislike anyone who gets in the feature box and doesn't write with you new dry prose?

Feel free to look through my favourites. I like silly fics far more than you do, mate. The thing about random, silly fics is that at some point you've got to draw the line where '*holds up spork* I'm the penguin of DOOOOOM!' starts.

Indeed, there seems to be some disconnect here; I've written six negative reviews and eleven positive ones, almost entirely from authors who I never knew before I did the reviews; two of the negatives are people that I knew and liked if not admired at the time of writing. Feel free to do a recount.

You had two fantastic stories that I loved and followed you for and now all you write is dry meta fics that I struggle to read through.

Somebody hasn't read my clopfics. There's a reason 'Getting Laid' is in the same annex as 'Solace', mate.

Almost all of my writing is experimental in some form or the other. If you don't like that, you won't like me.

Never-minding the fact that more respected and liked authors than you try to give you advice, you know better than them.

I'm sorry, wai

What I meant to say was

I really do want to address this point, it's just that

oh god, I can't bloody well stop.

Is just as insipid as you can be, I mean honestly, if you haven't read the series then why in the hell are you talking about a story that involves most if not all of them?

I can appreciate a good satire without knowing the fandom it's from. See: Slave Bear of Care-A-Lot.

Amit