Review: The Sun and Her Little Sparkle

This is a slightly edited copy of a quick note I sent to Dark0592 regarding his story The Sun and her little Sparkle. He didn't submit this story to EqD, but he did get my attention by hitting the top of the featured box. Since most authors I've talked to have been happy to receive a little constructive criticism, even unsolicited, I took about fifteen minutes to read his first chapter and make some comments.

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Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for writing this story. It's a cool idea. I just think the execution could use a bit of work. Congratulations on hitting the top of the feature box, by the way.

== Higher-level concerns (pacing, plot, characterization, etc.) ==

If a piece of backstory or information ("exposition") is not necessary to understanding the scene, it is best to omit it or to reduce it as much as possible. Large blocks of exposition are referred to as "info dumps," and do little to keep a reader's interest.
> The standards for this exam to enter her school for gifted unicorns were brutally high. They were set long ago, when she first started the school; when most unicorns were raised to the task instead of the little nudges they were given nowadays. The ponies really in charge of this, the nobility, were too stubborn to change anything. She could only interfere if she really, really wanted to and even then it would be frowned upon.

== Technical issues ==

In this context, "Princess" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma before it.
> “What’s wrong princess?”

Dialogue punctuation: the period should be a comma here.
> her sleep.” Quill said
> every night.” Quil answered

You are not required to capitalize after an ellipsis unless what follows is the start of a new sentence.
> She’s... Different.
> And your hair is all... Droopy.

Semicolon misuse
> They were set long ago, when she first started the school; when most unicorns were raised to the task instead of the little nudges they were given nowadays.

Missing comma
> it was destroying her and she had to let it out
> My assistant told me a little bit but I want to
> Unless you completely destroy it the animal should be fine.

In some places, you have two spaces between words.
> much effort

Capitalize titles like "Miss" and "Doctor" when they appear before someone's name.
> miss Sparkle

Capitalization
> Twilight, You can tell me whatever you want

Italicize direct thoughts.
> Go on, I believe in you. I asked you a favor.

== Style notes ==

These are not necessarily errors, but I suggest considering whether a change might be an improvement.

It seems a bit unnatural to explain who he is in a dialogue attribution tag. If his name is important, I think it would be better to have Celestia use it.
> “What’s wrong princess?” Quill, Celestia’s advisor, asked her.

It is better to omit dialogue attribution tags when it is obvious who is speaking.
> “In her sleep?” Celestia asked.

This dialogue comes across as a bit unnatural. It seems like Quill is only there to provide information for the benefit of the reader.
> “Yes, she has nightmares. Some of them insomnia induced, but the staff believes it might be because of her past. She never talks about it though. And before you ask, her insomnia is self-wrought. She stays up late reading every night.” Quil answered.

I found this a bit awkward
> to see so many hopefuls’ sad faces
> still already starting
> The instructors were confused but ponies again

Race names are not capitalized: human, griffon, unicorn, pegasus, alicorn, earth pony are all lower case.
> a Unicorn

I'm not sure that "hopeful" is the best word for someone taking a test. Applicant, perhaps?
> after the eighth or ninth hopeful

It's better to get the reader to interpret a character's emotions than to tell them outright. Devices for doing that include body language, reactions, facial expressions, actions, and sometimes speech and thought. The three biggest red flags are outright naming an emotion (sad), -ly adverb form (happily), and prepositional phrase form (in excitement). The last one in particular is almost always redundant with an action it follows. You'll bore the reader just throwing cold facts at him.
> She had to keep her composure up, but on the inside it was destroying her and she had to let it out.
> The tone of her voice sounded like any positive feeling was beaten into the ground. (This mentions tone of voice, but the comparison isn't very effective in characterizing it.)
> her composure building back up almost instantly.
> She was still already starting to lose her composure again, though, so she perked up when she heard the tester call in Twilight.
> Celestia was surprised he said something besides ‘Then you fail’ like he had for the others.

Dry language. See https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gItgz9pF4dT1kS8APsbuQHA1l9Q5kPY8vCVXjpxo2NA/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CKbFlMkN
> Quill, who was sitting next to Celestia, breathed lowly. Celestia grumbled in agreement.

Show, don't tell. Some things work better when dramatized as a scene rather than summarized. Alternatively, insert a scene break if you're going to do a time skip.
> Twilight tried and tried, but she could do little more than make the egg shake. After five minutes the instructors looked like they were about to agree on failing her.

"It was then that" is redundant.
> It was then that Celestia stepped in.

I found the capitalization of your title a bit strange. I would have written it as "The Sun and her Little Sparkle" or "The Sun and Her Little Sparkle."