Burrconium Encounters Pony Fallout, Part 2

It's time to bring some more truth, no matter how bad it hurts.

Chapter One: Jonas Palmer's Velvet Remedy's Great Escape

For those familiar with the actual Fallout games, do you remember how 2 & 3 each took time to try getting players vested in Arroyo or Vault 101? How both games showed what life back home is like -or in Fallout 3's case, what life growing up in Vault 101 was like - before you leave and travel the wastes? All you're getting here is brief mention of how boring life in Stable 2 usually is, and if Lolpip's Littlepip's narration doesn't care much about this place, I wouldn't either.

I put this story in Baskerville Old Face font, at 10 pt. size and -0.8" margins, and we're out of here in roughly six pages, no joke. Who would have thought formatting wizardry could take about fifty pages off this juggernaut without having to cut anything? Just don't make the font any smaller unless you're willing to put a print-job under the nearest microscope. But I digress.

Remember when Fallout 3 came out, and most of us scratched our heads at how the Pip-Boy 3000 needed tech support for removal, even when sleeves found in the wasteland somehow still fit under it and the older model never had either problem? At first, I thought it somehow reinforced Vault 101's experiment on permanent isolation, but then Operation: Anchorage happened, and those bio-locks turned into a crippling design flaw. Turns out PipBucks also have that same goof in design - may as well, given how much else this story apes.

Right now, you may be thinking, "But Burrconium, if Velvet Remedy could just take her PipBuck off by herself, the story couldn't happen". Where I come from, that's called plot contrivance, and you don't wanna know just how that kind of gremlin trashes suspension of disbelief. Just think of Twilight, and how Bella wouldn't have almost become road-pizza if she hadn't spent the past five minutes staring at snow chains like some ninny.

Speaking of things shredding suspension of disbelief, Overseer Jacoren the Overmare wouldn't let Velvet Remedy practice medicine full-time, and she responds by venturing out into the blasted irradiated wasteland that she knows nothing about and for all she knows may not even be habitable. And we're supposed to like this prissy diva. At least James' return to the Capital Wasteland wasn't a suicidal hissy-fit.

I don't even know how, in the 200 years or so since the apocalypse, nobody in tech-support noticed the girl's PipBuck held the front door's passcode. Ah, well. The Overmare's incompetent - who else would let some random Vault Stable resident keep that thing just because? Who else would just give up when confronting a second runaway, instead of just grabbing them with telekinetic power? I blame the editors.

Have high Intelligence and above-average Perception. Spend three sentences guessing at why somebody would visit tech support. Wasteland Savior

Microsoft Word says autobiography is written at 5th grade reading level. Use many words the average wastelander couldn't understand. Wasteland Savior

Have high Intelligence and above-average Perception. Never question why bunker of hundreds only has two people on tech support. Wasteland Savior

Guards are earth pony untermenschen? Hit with locker pulled out from ass. Wasteland Savior

Say streaks of color are in pop star's hair. Never give specifics til later. Wasteland Savior

Open the front door. Free level-up. Wasteland Savior

Chapter Two: In Which the Cheese Turns Sour

Believe it or not, I actually don't have much to say about Littlepip's first few moments out in the wasteland, other than how wordy and detached it gets while she's panicking about how big the outside world is.

"[...]sheered-off roof[...]" The Sweet Apple Acres building's roof was made of see-through material and is functionally invisible? The roof was made of 100% pure whatever-they-used? Sheer does not mean what Lolpip here thinks it means.

"[...]the steel door of Stable Two closed irrevocability behind me."

"Calamity caughed. He looked a me with genuine astonishment."

"Mighty Telekenesis"

Scratch that. Sheer does not mean what KKat thinks it means.

At least Pippie Dippie Dipwad never needed some computer terminal in the wasteland to tell people not to follow Velvet Remedy out from Stable 2, so that's one point in our hero's favor. Granted, she promptly loses that point after seeing some guy lay tense and deciding to walk towards him despite somehow knowing it's a bad idea, but it was worth mentioning.

Before I go any further, I just want to briefly touch ground on how much this story uses dashes (---) to mark transitions between scenes, at times skipping over things better left shown and not merely told afterwards. Sure, glossing over how slavers capture Lolpip isn't anywhere near as bad as glossing over things like how she uses nearby buzzsaws to slice up some manticore, but it still feel jarring.

Unless there's something I'm missing, just how's the average pony supposed to hold a sledgehammer with their teeth? Those suckers weigh seven pounds in every Fallout game, and I doubt a pony can swing their neck wide enough to give the blow any real momentum, not even counting recoil. Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in the Equestrian Wasteland.

"Near me, Monterey let out a wet grunt of pain as the earth pony gave him a taste of her sledgehammer."

Talk smack on how earth ponies fall for levitation trick. Fall for the same trick they did. Wasteland Savior

Story plays ballistics for realism. Act like a shotgun blast to the back of the head could only drop noobs. Wasteland Savior

Speaking of a shotgun to the back of the head, ain't Monterey Jack a former caravanner and adventurer? Him giving up the traveling life to watch after his kids and sell cheese to yuppies really softened him over the years, if he can't remember to keep an eye on Littlepip's face and make sure she can't pull a shotgun on him while he's not looking. Oops.

Chapter Three: Springvale Ponyville Stories

Before I go on, there's just one thing I don't get about Ponyville becoming a raider den - the main bad guy lives right next door with an army that'd gladly fight raiders and put all the survivors to work doing something useful. What's stopping him from nipping a problem like that in the bud and occupying a place like... the former home of all six Mares of the Ministries Ministers and the place where those Elements of Harmony first became historical fact. A place like that must have some kind of symbolic value for Red Eye, yeah?

Even if Red Eye didn't know any of that -Velvet Remedy learned about the Ministry of Peace years before she left Stable 2, so no real way he couldn't know something about a place like Ponyville- there's nothing wrong with using the place for supply lines as his people move things between the Cathedral and Fillydelphia. Then again, this story couldn't have happened as-is if that was the case.

Ah, well. At least the raiders who outnumber Littlepip about 8:1 on a bad day -for them, mind you - were kind enough to merely leave a landmine by her hideout's front door, instead of charging in all at once while she's asleep. Wouldn't that have been an embarrassing way to go? At least that one lady with the grenade can slow down time long enough for our hero to have a full-flashback about getting pelted with water balloons and guess to throw it back afterwards.

Begin story horrified by violence and death. Immediately turn a 180 and start wisecracking in a fight. Wasteland Savior

Take Good Natured trait. Shoot unarmed, fleeing guy in the ass four times out of spite. Wasteland Savior

Deny that raiders are ponies, too. Repeatedly state otherwise so many times in narrative that audience starts minding frequency. Wasteland Savior

Just how do earth ponies and pegasi work guns, anyway? Ordinary pistols feel right out, if not because of all the strain recoil would put on the neck and jaw, then because of how difficult reloading would be. Let's assume for a minute you don't have hands and are lucky enough to not smash your teeth out firing one - now open that puppy and put more bullets in. What's that? Can't reach your spare ammo without dropping the pistol? That raider's not going to stand around waiting for you to get done fumbling with the magazine!

Weapons like the average laser pistol might not have recoil, but are just as tricky to reload. Hell, triggers for any type of pistol in this place must be real sensitive if the tongue, of all things, can press down on them hard enough to make the gun fire. I don't even have a clear image of what these things must look like if they can fit in the mouth.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I can only just vaguely remember somebody holding a bigger weapon in their teeth much later on, and I'm not sure that should even be possible, even for colorful cartoon horses. If I remember correctly, either Pippie Lolstockings or Calamity did that trick with a rifle. I don't even know how battle saddles for weapons like shotguns or dual-rifles work: can attached guns be repositioned between shots, or does aiming require all kinds of goofy contortionist work, especially if staring down the sights doesn't look like an option? How does the wearer insert more ammo while wearing one of these things?

Ah, well. I'm sure there's a legit reasons for guns to be in this setting, and aren't just thrown in because "it's ttly Fallout, lol".

Call honesty a virtue later on. Use half-truths and misdirections now to sucker Vault dweller towards freeing captives from raiders. Ain't Watcher helpful?

Save people from raiders. Leave them to own devices while reading book picked up off-screen. Wasteland Savior

If I didn't have that helpful flavor text in the footnotes explaining what perks do, I could have almost mistaken Swift Learner Horse Sense for something like Awareness (examining something reveals current health, equipped weapon, and remaining ammunition) or Cautious Nature (begin further away from enemies during random encounters). At least there's no mistaking Comprehension Bookworm (gain extra points when reading skill books) for Educated Egghead (gain extra skill points at level up) or Retention (bonus from skill magazines lasts longer) any times soon, never mind how misleading these new names can sound at times.

If you don't think these footnotes could take audiences out of the mood everything before it had set, just wait till you see the part where our hero comforts a traumatized orphan, only to have the narrative immediately follow up with a 20% cooler reference in the footnotes like it'd somehow be welcome at a time like that.

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