Burrconium Encounters Pony Fallout, Part 7 · 2:47am Jul 24th, 2013
Before we get this thing back up, I've gotta ask when Fallout: Equestria starts living up to all the hype and praise Equestria Daily gives it. Are they and I even reading the same thing, or are they too caught up in broad concepts to notice this thing tripping up on smaller details and snowballing for all the wrong reasons? It's like only two things keep this from becoming the brony Twilight - Lolpip herself is easier to put up with than Bella Swan even when she forgets how her own powers work and Calamity winds up shooting some kid for her incompetence, and things actually happen in the Equestrian Wasteland.
Good news is, this series has a theme song, now. Just wanted to get that out of the way before I get back to tearing the story apart for my sister.
Chapter 14: "I'm Sorry, Littlepip. I'm Afraid I Can't Do That." (Sixth Layer of Filler Hell)
On paper, a pitched battle on the edge of a minefield actually sounds pretty cool, even if Littlepip & Pals are up against enemies so overwhelmingly powerful KKat had to cheat just so they'd survive one before. Truth is, they're still not ready for alicorns even with six more levels under their belts, even if this fight feels thrown in for the sake of having a fight. It's not like the guy whose minefield our heroes stumbled onto has orders to find them specifically and could just appear to introduce himself without all this hullabaloo, sounding like he's Liam O'Brien.
Speaking of that guy who owns the minefield, just how much time passed between those alicorns talking smack and Roger Maxson mixed with Rhombus mixed with Owyn Lyons mixed with Henry Casdin Craig Boone mixed with Veronica Santangenelo mixed with Raul Tejada SteelHooves jumping in to save our narrator with his grenade launcher? I can't afford not to ask with this story, even if all those explosions smacking Calamity around would have him regret abandoning that power armor the Enclave let a traitor like him keep because reasons. But then again, the Enclave also thinks blowing up their own irreplaceable warships solves flagging morale.
Get smacked around by explosives. Still composed enough to wax poetic about it. Wasteland Savior
Shooting the force-field didn't work in Appleoosa. No pattern recognition. Rainbow Successor
Abandon power armor because reasons. Get smacked around by explosions. Rainbow Successor
Unless there's something I'm missing, just how does Littlepip's little memory orb trick work? All I know is the alicorn picked it up with telekinesis and blanked out right afterwards. Maybe memory orbs turn on when held in telekinesis for long enough. I can buy Pippie getting the timing down by watching Velvet Remedy use the orb, but this story's told in first-person and there's no reason not to explain how this makes sense, especially when me believing in their survival hinges on knowing a crucial detail like that.
Oops. I just remembered that alicorns can fly and have no reason to stand in range of SteelHooves' grenade launchers like the three here did. He's their entire race's archenemy, after all, and they've ran into him enough times to know how he fights. Who wants to bet that if the Unity remembered it can fly, they would have seen that memory orb trick coming, especially when they're also fighting somebody sneaky enough for dirty tricks like that? That makes two times our narrator couldn't score a legit win against alicorns, and the great Tony Jay'd be spinning in his grave at this translation.
Notice dialogue capitalizes "Mighty Alicorn Hunter". Still think there's more than one. Wasteland Savior
Trained to repair Pip-Boy knockoffs. Thinks power armor works the same way. Wasteland Savior
"Whoever had designed the armor must have worked tail-twined-with-tail alongside Stable-Tec."
Is it just me, or does Littlepip thinking Scootaloo might have been friends with Overmare Sweetie Belle and the CMC3BFF lady feel like a crazy guess with nothing to back it up? For all she knows, Stable-Tec's vice president could have never even met those other two. Is KKat cheating the narrative so Pippie just knows things she possibly couldn't, for no better reason than because the actual show says so? I swear, that kind of jumping to conclusions is going to end with Littlepip burning a whole town down, one of these days.
Act like technology and magic are 1:1 interchangeable. Expect that crank Burrconium to understand technobabble on SteelHooves' power armor. "Best fanfic evar!1"
"Tonight in the Atrium! 10 o'clock to 16 o'clock". 10 AM - 4 PM is not night. "Best fanfic evar!1"
If the Stable-Tec experiments are supposed to make ponies nicer and friendlier, how does building an intelligent supercomputer and making it Stable 29's Overseer tie into that? Scratch that - I'm still surprised somebody thought it'd be a good idea to make that same supercomputer capable of killing people and taking over the whole facility. Why am I still trying to make sense of Pony Fallout and how it'd give medical bots flamethrowers, when we all know I'm giving it an F for effort?
Who wants to bet the Calculator's the Crusader Maneframes' - I hate these lame puns - neural upload capacity will be important later on? This thing isn't exactly subtle, you know.
Make fun of Fallout 3's combat tutorial. Is even more of a jumbled mess. "Best fanfic evar!1"
Ain't it something how the only good joke Fallout Equestria's told so far was by accident, especially during a scene trying to be serious. Between that kid nicking the water chip water talisman with a BB gun, and SATS getting 20% cooler, I'm starting to think KKat doesn't understand comedic timing.
Sorry for bringing this up just now, but I'm starting to think that Velvet Remedy heard about memory orbs from the same place in Stable 2 she learned about the Ministry of Peace. At first I thought the Ministry of Morale owned them all for interrogations, but Vinyl Scratch owning one means these things were out on the market. Come to think of it, just what would Vinyl Scratch want with some old recording of Ministers Twilight and Pinkie arguing about a drug addiction? I'm still surprised this whole "Pinkie needs an intervention" subplot is an actual thing, and not just some one-off parallel to how Littlepip goes through Mintals.
Grew up in the same Vault Minister Applejack lived in. Doesn't even know her name. Wasteland Savior
Acquire Toughness Tough Hide (1). Catch a fever anyway. Wasteland Savior
Chapter 15: In Which Littlepip Crosses the Boundaries of Good Taste (Seventh Layer of Filler Hell)
How did we just end up in SteelHooves' shack all of a sudden, while Littlepip's stuck in bed with a fever that just appeared out of nowhere? Doesn't somebody still have to fix a suit of power armor? Did somebody turn off Stable 29's supercomputer when we weren't looking? I bet GoogleDocs somehow glitched and kept deleting whatever came between Vinyl Scratch's memory orb and now.
Remember the good old days, when wastelanders needed 6 Endurance to take Toughness? Anybody like that was built to last, and didn't need magic bobbleheads or a Rarity figurine to keep on truckin'. I'm actually surprised Littlepip's only sick just now, and not during all that time she spent running around flimsier than the norm. Oh, well. At least Littlepip being sick gives us the opportunity to sit back and watch her -
- and projectile vomit on the wall afterwards. What a loser.
Autobiography called "the good parts version". Leave in that moment. Wasteland Savior
Do you remember how in Fallout 3, Tenpenny Tower was out in the middle of nowhere and we scratched our heads at what the people inside do to get so rich? I'm not even sure where all the money in, ahem, Tenpony comes from, and that's where Littlepip & Pals are now headed. Pardon me for going off-topic a bit, but once the PC version of Fallout 3 comes in the mail, you bet I'd mod Tenpenny Tower so hard it'd just be part of a larger town that actually makes sense. Hell, I'll even unlock the outside gate connecting Warrington Tunnels to the Capital Wasteland - no sense in having Roy Philips attack the place with feral ghouls he doesn't have anymore, if you had to kill them all just to find him.
Find centuries-old recording mentioning the name SteelHooves. Accuse a ghoul of prejudice against himself. Wasteland Savior
Be taken the wrong way in honest mistake. Accuse a ghoul of prejudice against himself. Wasteland Savior
Realize SteelHooves is a ghoul. Keep it a secret from other companions because reasons. Wasteland Savior
If I remember correctly, somebody on Equestria Daily was actually surprised SteelHooves is a ghoul. Is that even possible? Who wants to bet these nitwits are the same people saying Twilight Sparkle becoming a princess had legit buildup and didn't just come out of left field so Hasbro could sell more toys? Hell, some of these idiots actually thought SteelHooves was somebody from the TV show. For people calling Fallout: Equestria the best thing ever written ever, they can't even pay attention.
Oh, well. At least SteelHooves is nice enough to let Littlepip look into his memory orb, even though he doesn't trust her on anything else. Is everybody in the Brotherhood of Steel Steel Rangers this bipolar? Watch out for bad ol' Knight Strawberry Lemonade and Knight Poppyseed, folks! I'm shaking in my boots at the thought of staring down a guy called Elder Cottage Cheese. I'm not even making these names up, and the Steel Rangers want to be taken seriously!
Sorry for jumping ahead a bit, but the fastest way to accidentally ruin any serious mystery is making the answer too obvious. Take Watcher's secret identity - when we readers first encounter him, we're just as much in the dark about him as Littlepip is. I'll even give credit where due - his knowledge of pre-apocalyptic history doesn't narrow it down much by itself in a world full of old ghouls and ancient recordings. Hell, him also knowing about the Elements of Harmony could work as misdirection - get the audience thinking he's a really old ghoul who remembers the good old days, or just some Vault dweller gone topside. Now throw all that mystique out the window way before we even meet him in person, and watch as him saying "Flutterguy" accidentally gives away right then that he's Spike.
Between that one word and a pointless filler scene with him waxing nostalgic about Twilight Sparkle running marathons, there's no denying it. The only people this could actually surprise never saw the show this story's based on. A child who somehow found this thing could reach the same conclusion in a minute and still run circles around people thinking it's some elaborate bait-and-switch, like KKat could just suddenly pull off that kind of subtlety. The part about people thinking it a bait-and-switch actually happened, by the way.
I've gotta ask - does this story really need Littlepip & Pals poking around in Mama Dolce's Four Stars Transportation? It's already over a thousand pages long and bogged down with enough cheap padding and memos as it is. Or are we stopping here just so Pippie Lolstockings can pick up the Xuanlong rifle mixed with the Zhu-Rhong incendiary pistol an incendiary assault rifle zebras made? Sorry for skipping ahead, but did I mention how it's odd that Africa-inspired zebras have a Romanesque caesar and legionnaires?
EDIT 8/10/13: I just found out there's a place in Fallout 3 called L.O.B. Enterprises, which Four Stars also represents, right down to incendiary foreign weapons. Looks like trying to mod Fallout 3 into goodness showed me something new, after all - I never found that place when I played it.
Chapter 16: Crowning Moment of Dumbass
Seven paragraphs - that's how long Littlepip spends recapping stuff I just read not even two minutes ago. Last time I checked, me and the wastelanders reading her autobiography ain't stupid or even so much as that kind of forgetful. Speaking of stupid, check out how the guys responsible for blowing up Manehatten are just a random encounter and a footnote, unworthy of so much as having their deaths described. How's that for closure?
Have high Charisma by end of story. Talk down to audience like goldfish. Wasteland Savior
"Horrified, I watched as the colt reached the fallen mare dodging the kicks she threw at him." I know Littlepip's trying to say this kid's dodging kicks from some lady he's attacking, but it sounds more like the lady's somehow dodging her own attacks. Maybe she's that terrified. Whoever edited Fallout: Equestria is better suited for work at McDonalds. I'm only going to say this once - hold the mustard.
Take the Good Natured trait. Knowingly, willingly use incendiary rounds on other people in the future. Wasteland Savior
Ain't it hilarious how Littlepip can pick up train cars and get creative with her telekinesis, but forgets she even has it when up against some kid with a knife. It's really something how this lady can stare down a dragon no problem, and just clam up at something much less intimidating. Am I the only person here thinking Littlepip can just pick this boy up and keep him out of the way, nevermind how he just saw three people die and still thinks he actually has a chance? Who knows what smack those raiders must've force-fed him. Hell's frozen over, folks - I'm actually stuck agreeing with that prissy diva Velvet Remedy for once, even if I have to demote Littlepip's overworld theme even further still for it.
EDIT (7/26/13): Even if this kid's beating the crap out of a rape victim and pals with the guys who done it, I'm not even sure he joined in. Can't believe I remembered this just now.
Take the Good Natured trait. Forget how to not kill people. Wasteland Savior
Have high Intelligence and above-average Perception. Forget how own powers work. Wasteland Savior
Come to think of it, just what the hell is some random kid doing with a raider gang? $5 US says the boy would been some basket case, just like last time. It's not like Littlepip & Pals can't smack him around a little before the chems wear off, and drag him along until they can get him to Shattered Hoof. Let Gawd put the fear of, uh, her in him and scare him straight. Hell, let's break the fourth wall and get that boy scared of the Tetragrammaton - the big Y-Man straight outta the Old Testament.
Remember everything from Silver Bell's rock farm. No pattern recognition. Wasteland Savior / Rainbow Successor
Jump the gun on Littlepip by bad first impression. No pattern recognition. Rainbow Successor
Reputation gained: Childkiller - You have killed children, the youth of the wasteland. Sure, not doing anything would have even worse, but you must be pretty stupid to have run out of options that quickly. And your sidekick calls himself a son of Rainbow Dash...
Okay, credit where due - Gustavo's Grim Star's boys locking down on all that ammo actually makes a hell of a lot more sense than how the Tenpenny handles security. Maybe I should add in something like that while cooking up Fallout 3 - The Good Version. Huh - never thought I'd see myself saying another nice thing about this story for a long time, even if it comes right along a cheap jab at Three Dog's broken toaster and a Lord of the Rings reference. What a world...
Microsoft Word says autobiography averages out at 5th grade reading level. Make that miserable crank Burrconium look up "mezzanine" and "savoir-faire". Wasteland Savior
Get high and mighty about shooting a child. Expect that crank Burrconium to take you seriously after saying "My Little Rapist" in an actual sentence. Kiss my ass, Rainbow Successor. The only reason I'm not just immediately stopping this blog series right here is 'cause I'm not letting this story beat me.
That fragment from the Ultima IX review.
Perfect.