Burrconium Encounters Pony Fallout, Part 6

Chapter 12: Dumbbell Deadeyes and Trylittle Topaz (Fourth Layer of Filler Hell)

Unless there's something about wartime-era cuisine I'm missing, just where in the clouds did Calamity's brothers find hotdogs? Sure, I can understand surface-worlders eating meat because it's all they have, but those cloud cities sound like their acts' together enough to stay vegetarian. Was there some kind of desperate scouting mission for supplies right after the bombs dropped, or something?

Feel conflicted about doing assassin work. Already shot unarmed and fleeing opponent four times in the ass out of spite. Wasteland Savior

Microsoft Word says autobiography's around 5th grade reading level. Make that crank Burrconium look up "auspice". Wasteland Savior

Deadeyes setting up some bogus deal with Red Eye's goons and tricking Gawd into attacking him while he double-crosses them actually sounds like a brilliant plan, but I don't know what's dumber - him throwing that plan out and having somebody just shoot Gawd, or that he thinks her gopher will do that job better than any of his own men. Does Deadeyes even really need Littlepip at this point, and not just because KKat's stuck racking her brain trying to set up how that guy's gonna get shot?

If Littlepip's Party-Time Mintals addiction is already bad enough to make her rob children for the recipe to make even more, then how come she hasn't needed any for the entire Shattered Hoof sequence, due to end a few days into the next chapter? Surely all this spy work and fighting demands she be at her best, even if drug cravings in the Equestrian Wasteland come and go at the speed of plot.

Steal book from raider boss out of spite. Call out Monterey Jack for past stickup later on. Wasteland Savior

Is it just me, or do weapons like grenades or that one lady's thermic lance feel more appropriate to the Equestrian Wasteland than actual guns do? Think of it as how Fallout 2 didn't let you have a real gun until reaching The Den or poking around in those rat caves under Klamath, but for much longer. I'm still not entirely sure how most ponies can even use the average six-shooter, and this blog's covered the better part of twelve chapters so far.

Assassinating people is wrong... unless they do bad things to people you like. That makes it justice. Wasteland Savior

Between the radio, this concert Littlepip and Gawd set up to trap Deadeyes, and all the other times Velvet Remedy's sang, I've been meaning to ask what good writing out song lyrics does in a literary medium when it comes out looking like unintentional poetry? Even if the average post-Gardens wastelander can hear Velvet on the radio - don't even get me started on how dumb the name "Gardens of Equestria" sounds in context - mere word cannot suggest melody or tempo or accompaniment. That goes for just about all literature, and even Tolkien had that problem when writing The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

In fact, Manly Wade Wellman's Kardios stories are the only place off the top of my head I can remember seeing actual meter to written lyric in fiction, even if Straggler from Atlantis only used stanzas of 10/10/10/10. Man, mentioning 70s fantasy like that makes me feel old, but I'm still on enough of a roll to at least recommend checking out the Isaac Asimov's Magical Worlds of Fantasy collection. Let it wash out those Pony Fallout stains with heavy-hitters like The White Horse Child (vol. 1), Divers Hands (vol. 3), The Riddle of Ragnarok (vol. 5), You Know Willie (vol. 11), and I Know What You Need (vol. 4).

Oh, well. At least Velvet Remedy was nice enough to go along with Littlepip becoming a vengeful hitman, even if it goes against every principle the Ministry of Peace would stand for. Who wants to bet she folded like a wet noodle just because the plot demanded it, characterization be damned? I'm not entirely sure how Velvet's supposed to embody the Element of Kindness with that kind of behavior, but the Equestrian Wasteland deserves better.

Act like mercy-killing a wounded opponent is wrong. Already shot an unarmed and fleeing enemy four times in the ass out of spite. Wasteland Savior

Act like mercy-killing a wounded opponent is wrong. Already assassinated a raider boss. Wasteland Savior

Speaking of people folding like wet noodles, check out that humongous dragon who's already mad at Littlepip for wrecking his pre-hibernation meal and shooting him with his own laser turrets. Ain't it something, how he can corner her in a dead end and settle for talking her ear off exactly like that alicorn in Old Appleoosa did, instead of burning her to a crisp like any other dragon his size in that mess would have. I'm not saying that because I don't like Littlepip -not that it isn't true, mind you - but let's get real for a second and admit her continued survival feels like bunk. At least she got the Sniper Pony perk out of cheesing her way past a dragon, even if "How do you like them apples?" was as unfunny now as it was back in Ironshod Firearms.

Demand to be taken seriously. Use "magical shotgun of dragonslaying" seriously in an actual sentence. "Best fanfic evar!!1"

Yes, I said "Baseball Cap of +1 Perception" and "Leather Jacket of Enhanced Face-Clubbing" before, but that was to point out a design flaw in Fallout 3. Hell, even New Vegas did the exact same thing, and Obsidian managed to one-up those clowns at Bethesda with Power Armor of Regeneration.

Chapter 13: Hitting the Road Again (Fifth Layer of Filler Hell)

As much as this story's by and large a disaster, I can at least admit the Shattered Hoof sequence had far better closure than what happened with Silver Bell and her rock farm. This part here and now is what happens when a story goes about itself without undue rushing, even if the story as a whole nosedives back down later on.

Tag the Barter skill. Exploit good looks and flirt for discount savings. Element of Kindness

Blow Littlepip's money on clothing.... while hiking through dangerous wastelands. Element of Kindness

Suggest thermic lances beat having guns. Never fought a gunslinger. Element of Kindness

Just so we're on the same page, that scavenger's robot owl represents the roboscorpions from Old World Blues, complete with laser beams. These things show up again later on, and anybody wanting to shout "Go, my robo-owls! Hoot at them in the name of Pinkie Pie!" may as well get that out of their system now. At least they're not flying around attacking everything in Manehatten, as much as it'd help clear out the radscorpion manticore problem.

In theory, manticores are dangerous beasts nobody in their right mind would take on without good armor and plenty of backup. Ain't it something how Pippie Lolstockings wound up kissing concrete twice for fistfighting just one by itself, when she can just pick it up with magic and shoot it's head when ready. Guess what's worse: the pain spashing -not my typo- across Littlepip's back after getting clawed, or the humiliation splashing across the pages. If Littlepip really had the smarts her character sheet suggests she has, this fight would be a footnote at best.

Use telekinesis as a weapon before. Forget it exists now. Wasteland Savior

Pardon the walls of text below, but I'm switching gears for a moment and giving you all a free lesson on how phrasing makes or breaks writing. Just so nobody's confused, the red text is commentary added in.

Lolpip Vs. the Manticore, Round One (KKat)

I trotted around the wall and into the nook, which I immediately realized was much larger than I had imagined. The red dots on my E.F.S. had become so ubiquitous that I’d stopped paying attention to them. Big mistake.

So far, this doesn't look obnoxiously horrible, even if the average wastelander reading this doesn't know what ubiquitous means.

The manticore turned, took one look at the intruder who had just blithely clopped into its den, and let out a roar that blasted my mane back. The carrion stench of its breath let me know I was dinner. Maybe the manticore just wants Littlepip out of its den. You know how animals are with their turf. Notice below how our narrator describes the manticore's appearance after already naming it. Did Calamity describe manticores when we weren't looking?

I stared up at the huge, brutish monster with its mighty forepaws, huge wings and venomous tail and was very glad I hadn’t had anything to drink in several hours. Snip

I didn’t have any of my weapons ready; I hadn’t wanted to waste precious ammo on things I could kill with a buck or a stomp. While that explains why Littlepip's kicking a real opponent for the first time, this detail belongs somewhere before the actual fight. Littlepip getting sloppy and in over her head for it requires proper setup, especially after all she's been through so far. The manticore certainly didn’t fall into that category, but I spun, throwing a kick with both hindhooves at its nose.

It was like bucking a brick wall. Instead of knocking the manticore back, I sent myself forward in a faceplant. A humungous beast caught Littlepip with her guns away and is beating the crap out of her, but the narrative portrays this tense fight like a Sunday morning breakfast. I observe this, but cannot feel anything from it. The manticore lifted a paw full of large claws and swiped at my back. That's a long way to say the manticore clawed Littlepip's back. If I hadn't read the rest of this paragraph, I would have seen "swiped at" and thought the beast missed her. If it hadn’t been for Ditzy Doo’s armoring, the blow might have cut through my spine. Instead, pain spashed through my bruised back. I scrambled onto my hooves and ran.

The manticore gave chase, bouncing after me. I am short; it was bigger than several stacked apple carts. The chase was brief.

The chaos starts at 0:36. How wonderful.

The manticore headbutted me, sending me flying. I hit the street hard and rolled until I hit what was left of the wall of the hardware shop across the street. Ain't that a mouthful for a fight scene? The manticore charged at me as I struggled to me feet, dazed. Littlepip is now a tosser chav.

Ever since I became a man, I've been told I can't go into writing "'cause the money comes too slow." 'Cause "I ain't got the Right Stuff to get my foot in the door." All this time, I've been stuck moving boxes and machines, leaving the heart a blank canvas.

Nuts to all of that! What the hell was I doing, neglecting my birthright because somebody else said to? I've gotta put my money where my mouth is, and get in shape for that Writers of the Future contest. If KKat can somehow break the scale and be called a legend, let's see what I can do warming up for the first time.
----
Lolpip Vs. the Manticore, Round One (Dr. Burrconium, Trainee Literary Surgeon)

Another roach? At least I don't have to shoot these things. Not even close. Here, Littlepip's explanation for not having a gun out comes before the actual fight itself, even if merely suggested through inner thought.

More like a gigantic cat with wings and a scorpion's tail. It stood at two, three times my own height, easy. That's a manticore?! The manticore turned to face me and roared, blasting my mane back and choking me with breath like a rotting corpse. Fuck me with the moon! If anyone in the audience has a copy of Rivet Your Readers With Deep Point of View, please tell me how close I followed it on style for this whole passage.

The manticore pounced, and I spun back to kick with both hindlegs. Get back! My hooves made a dull smack and then bounced off the manticore, my forelegs tumbling forward with them and giving out. Shit! The manticore roared again, my ears now ringing. Knives raked across my back like fire - no surprise those claws could cut up armor. Good description is vital in writing. If the manticore must hit Littlepip, it must hit her hard enough for the reader to feel it. I'm not saying that just because I don't like her.

New plan - run like hell and let Calamity hold off the manticore. My armor couldn't take another hit like that. I struggled to get back on all fours, hot stench pressing down on me from behind. My own breath strained as I got up to run, my back like an iron weight. No way that big thing can keep up!

I learned the hard way manticores are also fast. Couldn't even make it ten steps before flying halfway across the street in one blow. I rolled the rest after landing, my head crashing into a wall. The world spun in a shapeless blur of browns and grays, heavy steps pounding in fast from ahead.
----

Writing that actually felt kinda fun, even if Littlepip skipping over that fight's ending wasn't. Who wants to bet that, even if what I wrote sucks, it completely blows away the original story's take on that same scene?

Split off from the group in middle of manticore hunting grounds. Tuck the gun away. Wasteland Savior

Get owned by manticore. Dodging one attack equals the Dodger Counter Canter perk. Wasteland Savior

Do you remember how in Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas, hitmen and bounty hunters would talk smack before trying to kill you, instead of just attacking right away? Do you remember how much it took for Littlepip to kill one mutant alicorn last time, even though it shouldn't have worked anyway?
Combine those two, and see how much of a joke the Unity's become in just twelve lines.

Let's face it - Littlepip & Pals wouldn't have lasted five seconds if those two blues hadn't willingly turned visible because reasons, and I'm not saying that just because I don't like her. Blues can still stop a dude's heart or shoot lightning while invisible, right? I mean, who'd really fight fair against somebody they know picks up train cars? I think I can explain this - maybe the Master the Goddess thinks killing people in a fair fight is more fun.

Speaking of how the Unity wouldn't really fight like these three do, somebody actually made a tabletop version of this setting. Killer Game Masters that read between the lines can have purple alicorns just instantly kill people by teleporting away their hearts and brains with Expert Teleport, and guess which spell the Unity learned from Twilight Sparkle? Hey, that's still a better way to go than what she did to that beach ball. Maybe even wastelanders think telefragging people is too cruel, and this is coming from a game that mentions changelings and references a song from Season 3.

EDIT (7/21/13): Disregard the above statement. I actually made a mistake for once, and I'm sorry.

<< FIRST < PREVIOUS >NEXT

Comments

[Valikdu]

People keep getting at the fight scenes in FoE; about how they're really boring.
Up until now I kinda didn't get why that is. Maybe because I'd read the original more than a year ago.

...yeah, now I see how that's a fair statement, actually. Comparisons are good.