Burrconium Encounters Pony Fallout, Part 1 · 5:33am Apr 18th, 2013
That's right, folks - I'm finally taking a look at the much-beloved sci-fi fantasy adventure Fallout: Equestria for the first time, talking about what I see as I go. Believe it or not, everything I've heard about this story beforehand was... overwhelmingly negative and involved giving the characters wacky nicknames like Lolpip and Whistling Dixie, so much like Twilight and those sparkling vampires, I just had to check it out for myself. No way what I've heard about this from places like the Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates blog on TVTropes or PresentPerfect's reaction to this exact same story can be right, right?
And so without further ado, it's time to put on the numbered blue jumpsuit and head out into the wasteland. Vault 13's water supply - I mean, discovery and adventure counts on it. This blog's going through it all piece by piece and thread by thread, the same way things were back when people still had to wait in between chapters.
Just a little heads' up: if what I've heard about this 6/5-star legend of Equestria Daily turns out to be true, it's gonna get a real warhellride of a verbal smackdown, and somebody will end up laughing at the ensuing rampage.
Prologue - Up Next on the Equestrian Home Shopping Network
"Hi, Pippie Mays here with the Pip-Boy 3000 PipBuck! Is your old computer too heavy to carry around on the go? Are you moving into one of Stable-Tec's Vaults Stables? Do you enjoy apps that feel more at home in some electronic game than in written narrative? Let us put the future right on your foreleg!
"I know all you ponies like music, so check out the built-in radio and jam out on the go. Never miss another song again! Call now, and we'll throw in a free ear-bloom so you can listen without disturbing the neighbors.
"But wait, there's more! The PipBuck also comes equipped with a full suite of combat programs for your peaceful civilian life. Is that big bully from the other side of town giving you trouble? Lock on to him with the Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting Spell and let the fur fly! It's as easy as 1 - 2 - 3! Did he bring friends? They're gonna need good luck sneaking up on you when the Eyes-Forward Sparkle detection system gets through with them. Stop laughing! There's nothing funny about the Eyes-Forward Sparkle!
"Call in the next ten minutes, and we'll also include a second PipBuck at half-price! All this and more can be yours for the low price of 300 bits! Let us put the future right on your foreleg!"
"Call 1-800-STEC today for your PipBuck. Activation of combat modules after purchase requires background check and a valid weapons permit. Money-back offer valid within 60 days of purchase."
All joking about this rambling mix of an infomercial and The Lone Wanderer mixed with The Vault Dweller mixed with Butch DeLoria and served in a cup of what looks like Fallout: New Vegas SPECIAL Littlepip's origins aside, I don't know what's worse: that our narrator constantly reminds us here that unicorns are also ponies, or that most of her narration just sounds stilted and off. But hey, she's happy to see you, so won't you be her neighbor?
You think I'm kidding about redundancy?
"A blending of unicorn pony magic and science [...] testament to unicorn pony arcane science [...] As a unicorn pony myself [...] the Overmare and her government were always unicorn ponies [...]"
That's just the prologue insulting intelligence, for crying out loud! Just wait till you see how many times Chapter 9 uses "ghoul pony" like it needed to have been beaten into skulls.
Look at this -
"So I decided to learn to pick locks with a bobby pin and screwdriver. And I was even getting pretty good at it. Unfortunately, it didn’t get me my cutie mark. It just got me into trouble."
No way a little bit of intensive surgery couldn't stitch all that together and get the point across without aping Rorschach from Watchmen. Effective voice demands playing fast and loose on grammar, even if one idea gets split across many sentences once in a while. Hell, I actually like the idea of using shorter sentences to give what is said that extra bit of "oomph". Bad news is, doing it wrong makes that kind of style read more like a Dr. Seuss book without the rhyming.
Just because I can, let me show you what I mean by grammatical tummy-tucking:
"For me, precision only just meant the best lockpicking Stable Two ever saw. Security still doesn't let me have bobby-pins, though."
Doesn't that feel more fluid? Livelier? Like personality is more apparent? Of course it does.
Speaking of doing things wrong, who goes and names an underground shelter "Stable" just because talking horses occupy it? Certainly not somebody that'd understand those high-falootin' Vault-Tec boys and their fancy symbolism! At least they can hire a decent editor for their greatest heroes' memoirs.
Next time, those memoirs get started on the adventure. Until then, may the waters not glow at you in the dark. I'm going to bed.
