An INTP/ISTP In Need of a Plot Bash · 3:48pm Jan 8th, 2013
Good, now that I have your attention gentlemen, allow me to elaborate on the reason for the title.
I am having trouble with actually trying to create the actual content of the story. You know, the chapters, the actual words. I can formulate a decent plot certainly if given enough details as to what is required, sure.
But you can forget about trying to write without a context of reference. My style of writing seems to be a response based one, determined by the thoughts and actions of other writers/RPers and reacting to them accordingly. But since I am trying to play both roles in writing my own story, I often get bogged down deep in writer's block and doubt. And quite frankly, everything that I type seems to come off as trite, lacking a certain structure that is common with other writing styles. For me, it feels the issue is being all talk and no action.
Context is essentially one of my greater banes in terms of writing, and I would appreciate some assistance from you lads if you could possibly provide your own input as to the following rough plot synopsis pasted below from a few months earlier.
Heinous Torment
Roughtdraft Outline
December 21st 2012
Doomsday Averted, Alive and Well
6: 53 AM
Fleetwood Mac
Big Love
Rough Synopsis: Stuart wakes up with a splinting headache. Nightmare Moon captures him and turns him into Luna. Night here will force Stuart through emotional Hell and torment. Luna's Season 1 form and fanon personality will be stuck with Stuart, as a symbol for something long gone. Stuart will then desmiss it as a dream, right up until he finds himself in Luna's body. He won't panic all that badly, trying to take in the situation as is. Meanwhile, the Canon Luna from the other dimension will sense a disturbence. How Stuart got here was sorta via wish power, which in extension allowed Nightmare Moon to take his form from Earth via magic.
Stuart will face a mental hellhole, going through extreme tests as his emotions are amplified to feed Nightmare Moon power. Her motivation is to get power off a particularly vulnerable and lonely individual, someone who is an introvert. He will face off against terrors like those of the Luna games, only this time a game over could potentially mean death. The further progress he makes to get out of whatever Nightmare Moon put him under, the more dangerous the stakes become. At first, game overs will lead to encounters with characters bordering on that of grimdark. Very creepy at the best of times.
Stuart will first start off in the castle, greeted by Celestia as if nothing has happened and come to Ponyville. He will then try and play along, all the while trying to figure out what the heck is going on, all the while trying to survive the mental assaults made by Nightmare Moon. This will change a big from the original Hospital Silent Hill theme I was aiming for, but it will generally use the same concept. Nightmare will represent isolation and loneliness, a being who simply wishes for company. Friendship is forgiveness here. Stuart's mental integrity will be tested, with possible fake memories slowly to replace his own, giving him an incentive to hurry up and get the hell out as fast as he can before it is all over. He get's there by a Star wish in the sky.
Stuart is by an extension of myself, a character who feels lonely in the fact that he is the only one who even remembers what Luna was like before the canonization, left behind in the isolation in still remaining wanting of Luna's fandmade personality. This will be exploited by all means. Eventually somewhere near the mid or final act, Nightmare Moon herself will start hunting him down to liven the game a litte, a game of cat and mouse. Before that, she only gives a subtle hint as to what she might do to him if caught. But the hint itself lends to horrifying revelations that it will send terror throughout Stuart, rendered pale and shaking from the possibilities... Of perhaps a sexual assault made by Nightmare herself. Rape in other words. And that isn't all. If caught, and made to climax, Stuart could possibly made permanently stuck in this dimension, damned to eternal isolation and loneliness with a false paradise of a facade, stuck in Luna's body forever, with memories of which symbolize Luna's torment to start haunting him, giving him a false guilt trip in the process. His feelings from the S1 Luna's fanon abandonment will be amplified to symbolize a breakdown in the character. A Character Blue Screen of Death in other words. Break the Cutie will probably be in full effect here, as Stuart is sanity is slowly wretched away from him bit by bit, as he desperately tries to keep the memories of himself in, while fighting an ever growing threat of false memories that threaten to take him over completely.
Scenes of past torment from his human life will be amplified as well.
The sweet and innocent associated with safety will be bastardized and corrupted.
He will weep, he will cry, he will sob, he will cry out in both anguish and torment as he struggles to deal with guilt, horror, and the stress building up to that point. He will be reminded of his inadequacies from his life, amplifying them tenfold. He will be reminded how useless he think he is. He might or might not submit in defeat sometimes, only to be met with something even more horrible than the last. He will constantly be on the run. He will be reminded on how silly his emotions and feelings over the fandom, Luna and Vinyl in particular are, and be insulted for it over concerns over such a trite activity. He will be made to feel low, inferior. He will survive in dream assaults where he is the only survivor. He might meet other characters who are sentient that are killed off, leaving him the only survivor.
Guilt will build up to the breaking point. He might even have fallen in love with a couple of them. Background characters will be used.
Only the canon Luna and Twilight will see this attempt by Nightmare Moon and make it their mission to stop it at all costs. Luna will meet fanon perceived Luna. This is a solemn attempt by myself to justify my feelings in RL in general, to sate those feelings with some ending. A solace a she comforts Stuart if you will. That and to myself.
Heartbreak shall ensure, and by the end, Stuart will be barely above that of a broken husk.
And yes, you are correct that this is somewhat of a self centered of an insert, a representation that projects both my thoughts and feelings.
Do be a gent and do your best with tearing this into shreds.
Addtionally, I seem to display traits that point either being INTP and/or ISTP writer.
Here are what studies seem to show as follows.
http://www19.homepage.villanova.edu/karyn.hollis/prof_academic/Courses/common_files/personality_types/intp.htm
http://www19.homepage.villanova.edu/karyn.hollis/prof_academic/Courses/common_files/personality_types/istp.htm
I think I found out the two flaws that you have in your plot synopsis, which is the whole thing in italics right? Your flaws are creating a clear setting and not writing up the way how the story would be going. Once again, like I've read in your current story, I was confused about where the heck is Sturat at in this, I mean I get that Nightmare Moon is kidnapped him, turned him into Luna/Woona, and dumped him into Equestria, but what I didn't get is where those games are taking place and how was he able to do it while pretending that he's Luna. It wasn't until that I read the part where you mentioned Silent Hill that it all started to make sense to me which brings me to this summary of my understanding: Nightmare Moon turned some guy into the 1st portrayal of Luna and dumped him into Equestria to live the moon princess's life; then sometime at night during his dreams, Nightmare forces him to play these deadly games while mentally tormenting him in Silent Hill-esque environments and to screw with him further, he meets these other ponies in the dream world who will eventually die as well as mess with his memories in true Silent HIll fashion (half of the protagonists in Silent Hill has their memory messed up by the town until they were forced to face the truth of their actions). So in conclusion, the plot is about some guy who was turned into Luna by Nightmare Moon and forces him to play deadly nightmare games for her own amusement and purposes while he's stuck in Equestria where he's basically Luna by day scared brony in deadly nightmares by night.
All could say is why could you not make it clear in the first place. While it is good to start a story with action and everything but it's also important to let the reader know where that character is even he doesn't know where he is himself. Looking back at the first paragraph, I see the problem starts when the synopsis started explaining what he's going to do next rather than stating the other problems he has to face. I don't think we need to know that he dismisses the events as a dream first until the actual story starts or the synopsis should be written a little differently like: "Sturat had this crazy dream where he was kidnapped by Nightmare Moon and was turned into Luna, except it wasn't. Now stuck in a body of Luna, Sturat must figure out how to change himself back to normal while pretending to be Equestria's princess of the night and survive the deadly dream games sent by Nightmare Moon every night. Meanwhile, the real Princess Luna senses somethig amiss in the universe..." Something like that for example.I think this summarizes of the plot, even if I might be wrong (assumming I guessed wrong about what you wrote the plot in the first place) about this is what you really wanted happening in the story, I've explained that Sturat will be pretending to be Luna in Equestria and I explained the setting of the deadly the games that will torment him in the same sentence. This is one of the ways of including the settings in the story about what Sturat is doing and is being forced to do by Nightmare. I think once you figure out how to place the setting or where the character is or if he knows where he is then your story could be less confusing.
699929 In response to the first paragraph.
Yup, essentially that. You hit the nail right on the head, even expanding upon parts of it into territory I didn't previously consider before.
I was indeed thinking about the psychological horror aspects of the Silent Hill series, but I wasn't all that aware of how it can disrupt ones memories, though Silent Hill 2 may be the exception that I know of, being the infamous entry into the series as it is of current times.
But yes, you seem to be correct in your assessment of my abilities here as of present. It isn't exactly easy for me to present my thoughts the way I want them to be heard. Being an orator wasn't much of a special talent of mine anyhow. The ideas I DO have though are usually fairly sound and stable in structure, though nothing that magnificent like those of who are greater than I in fleshing out their ideas and worlds. I on the other hand find myself speechless, often without something to compare to in order to present something the way I want it. The path to one's self attainment in status as a writer is indeed filled with many bumps of uncertainty, clouded in one's own haze in their attempt to make sense of the madness around them.
We see the pictures clearly within our heads, yet we cannot present them as an imprint on paper, for we lack the ability to project our thoughts and imagination on paper. Thus I find myself going through countless reiterations just to get it right, much to my frustration.
But back to the plot synopsis, that is indeed what I plan to do with this Stuart fellow, and much worse, (Or better, depending upon if you have a particular fetish within this realm... Then you sick basterds....) Such as perhaps forcing his hoof to commit atrocities himself. To be the instigator, the murderer, all the while he really isn't that guilty of some that evil of a transgression. I find it oddly fascinating to see how one's mental self is affected by these changes, and I am guilty of being amused by how some character's very beings and personalities are completely stripped away from them... Not that I would condone that in RL.. Just, you know. How Stuart handles this may very well affect how the rest of his life goes along. And I do intend on keeping him in Luna form for a loooooong time to come, if not forever. By the end of the first part of this story, he will essentially still be himself, yet with a touch of the fanmade Luna personality in him. And I am in glee of thinking how horrified he will be once he realizes the true extent of how much of a mental change he has gone through, even parts to that erotica I was talking about earlier. You know how I said I was going to use the fetish to my advantage? I am thinking of using it to hit the reader home on just how seriously he has been affected. Reduced to that of a submissive role, perhaps even dominated by Nightmare Moon if one were to so desire. (Actually, I have an incomplete story that does have that in a sense, though to be honest.... Read it at your own risk. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/56247/of-olden-times-long-past-an-introverts-perspective
And this is roughly my attempts at trying to write in the first part's of this concept... With very little success I might add.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/50544/2/henious-torment/a-searing-headache-and
So in essence, I lack focus and clarity, two elements which are almost absolutely essential if you want to write something half decent that will actually be read by the masses. Oh, such a trifle of a flaw that i have, but it can't be helped. Only overcomed.
699929 By the way, to give you a comparison to how this Luna fares up against her canon counterpart, I am going to put up a few links here.
One is this pic from my dA collection.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/295/f/d/the_two_lunas_by_furboz-d4dlfm5.jpg
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/f/2011/289/2/0/high_expectations_by_vjmorales-d4d06on.jpg
Do take note on how this Luna carries herself. Both her demeanor and personality are more light hearted, innocent and curious than that of her counterpart. (Though that might be up for debate if you interpret the two Lunas differently.)
http://adcoon.deviantart.com/art/Fillystata-Poster-214613370?q=favby%3Aforlanceabice1%2F52323345&qo=5
This fanfic should detail how this Luna is mostly portrayed prior to S2.
709806
Nice to give you some ideas then.
Well in Silent Hill 2 James was dealing with repressed memories of his actions that could've happened not too long ago and not 3 years ago as he originally thought. In the other Silent Hill games the endings actually changes depending on your actions in the game play and the choices you make. In Silent HIll Downpour, which was a step closer to being a regular survival horror but not close enough, what you decide for Alex in the game changes the memory of his actions in the pasts.
The strange thing is that you make much more sense in the middle part of your story than your beginning and end. In your CB story with Octavia and Vinyl I think you did the action at the beginning pretty well there because I thought that wherever Vinyl is at the beginning will be revealed near the end of the chapter or story. When you got to the middle part of your story I was pretty okay with following it so far until the very end, where I think it contradicts with what happens in the beginning. I have to read it again...
As I was saying you can write the way you want pretty well, it's just that you somehow need to work on your beginning and setting of the places. Thinking back I remember the newfoal PER ponies bothering Octavia in the middle of the street, I think you managed to wrote that scene in the story pretty well. I think you just need to figure out why your middle part is so much better than your beginning and end as well as what you do you feel when writing those sections.
(Um, no I don't) That's a good idea to use your fetish to your advantage in writing this, you'll probably have a good time writing it up when you get around to it and tell a good story about Sturat's psyche in this desperate situation. If you have that much of a good understanding on how it is going to affect him then you'll probably be in your best when writing those situations. The problem is that you're going have to work him and the other characters up to that situation. (Here's a tip in putting in links here, just do this without the spaces in the brackets and website name: [ url ] website name [ /url ] )
Which only becomes better when you're halfway through the story, I have no idea on how you can better yourself unless you keep on writing.
709823
Yeah I kinda figured that given the premise of the story. Speaking of stories did you read the transformation of Octavia from your forum post?
722306 Just now, yeah.
I am quite tired at the moment, so my reply that contains a more in-depth look at your take on this scene will come later, probably tomorrow.
What I will say though is that you managed to write a TF scene far better than I could've hoped for. Far superior indeed. And yes, they are red in the story.
Though Vinyl would have been more horrified to see the effects of it first hoof. As in panicky, immediately rushing towards her side and staring with cold horror at what's happening... And possibly even more horrified as her fears are much more than realized when the ponifictation not only changes her personality, she begins to act just like the other new foals. Examples of which force feeding the potion to young children, betraying her family by converting them to the "better" pony way. Not only that, she also begins to actively attack what was once her own culture. At this point, Vinyl will realize just how much of the individual is stripped away by becoming a pony. Horrified doesn't even begin to describe how Vinyl feels in this situation, just now fully realizing what her so called "benevolent" ruler is planning on doing to Humanity as a whole. Her fellow native born ponies are essentially demonizing an entire species, who while have committed horrible atrocities in the past, have overlooked not only the good they have done in the world, but are also ignorant of what they are essentially preforming is a complete genocide of an entire civilization.
Of course, I am using a Tyrant Celestia for this story's version of her, otherwise I would be hard pressed to create an alternative villain.
As in her Stare now becoming a GLARE. Whoever is found under this scrutinizing gaze will wish they were dead afterwards. Essentially they are traumatized by how furious this normally meek, pegasus becomes.
That, and not all the ponies will agree with what's being done. Quite the opposite actually, with all of the Mane 6 who are usually on Celestia's side will actively rebel and become just as horrified... With Fluttershy being an exception. She just doesn't become horrified. Oh no... She becomes completely enraged.
Pinkie Pie? Though there might be a chance for her to go Pinkamena in this, she will be hit the hardest in the group. Why?
When she realize just how and why the newfoals all seem so happy.... Well, let me put it this way. It won't be a pretty breakdown in the slightest.... Not. At. All. She will be plauged with guilt. As in being the one who fed the children the cupcakes that turned out to be laced in the Potion... It essentially breaks hurt the poor party pony. Turns her hallow. It will be a while before the party pony comes back in full force.
Rarity? Just the barbarity of the act will inspire her to lead a propaganda blitz against this fascist regime, recruiting sympathetic ponies far and wide to aid in their cause. I should mention that being the social gossiper that she is, I would imagine that she will make quite a few human friends here on Earth, fashion being a special interest here, due to our species ALWAYS wearing clothing as the norm, not for just special events.
Actually, I plan to expanded far into almost more than I can handle.
I am thinking about including a Spitfire x Human romance in here as well.
As in a very angry and wrathful Spitfire who had to kill her love interest that has just been ponified in order to stop him from turning other human children into ponies. Either that, or somehow include my minority favorite ship of AppleFire and kill off Applejack as her love interest. (Don't ask me how that happens, I am still trying to think of how to pair them up.) Applejack will die in a valiant sacrifice, holding off other guard ponies while her friends and loves ones escape.
Will continue later. Gotta rest for a day.
Continued.
By the way, there are a variety of scenarios that could take place, branching off into multiple different paths. Depending on how I handle this story, it could potentially grow larger than as it is of current form.
Anyway.....
Rainbow Dash, who may or may not be coupled in with Rarity as a shipping here, will probably be just disgusted likewise with her marefriend. She may be the Element of Loyalty, but that doesn't mean that she is completely blindly loyal to Equestria. Quite the opposite in fact. She is loyal to her beliefs and will stay fighting with her friends, plus the newly gained humans ones until the bitter end. I would imagine her being the blood vulture of the group, what with being acquainted with Gilda, she might take to violence as an option a bit easier than the rest of the gang. Both Rainbow and Rarity here will probably be the ones saving the day, just barely coming in time to save Octavia... Or not and fail miserably. That, or Applejack could be the heroic sacrifice here.
Applejack, as I have said, will probably become a heroic sacrifice somewhere along the line, depending upon how this story develops as I begin to write more chapters, coupled with experience to aid me in this development. As for Spitfire being her marefriend? That will be explained later on in the story. Oddly, I didn't have any good ideas to explain how they meet in the first place... Though now I got an idea for her being introduce to Applejack by Rainbow Dash during one of her visits to Ponyville. Then some sporadic accident out of the blue lands Soarin injured and trapped within the forest. Search party is launched to find him, but Spitfire herself gets trapped as well, only far deeper due to some tornado wounding and hurling her deeper within. Then Applejack launches a heroic rescue, fighting off everything from manticores to timber wolves, till finally hunkering down with Spitfire until help arrives. During that time, a relationship develops. They soon find they have much more in common than originally thought, such as being stubborn to the point of being almost a detriment to them, having family like sisters and similar virtues. Something then just clicks, and before you know it, voila! You got AppleFire! I've always wanted a good excuse to write this pairing anyhow, and this should do quite nicely in the long run of things. Can't say the same for either Applejack nor Spitfire. And this is just one of many ways that I could get them to meet, perhaps maybe developing the relationship earlier at the farm.
As for Spitfire, I figured that they both display similar virtues in my head canon. (Well, to me anyway. But who knows? She only has a couple episodes as a support character.) It could even get a side story as a flashback shipper. Stubborn to a fault, applies herself to a good work ethic, holds to her virtues, showing a similar amount of honesty like Applejack, though perhaps not as much at first. Though that will grow, and there is a point to that. Since if Applejack does indeed die here in this story, she could take over as the Element of Honesty. To balance this out further, I might have some meany pants pegasus soldier swoop in on her and slash both her wings off. (Still trying to figure out what condition she will be in after that.) Applejack will do some heroic sacrifice here by taking a mortal blow for her, or something along those lines. Guilt, sorrow, and rage will be key emotions for Spitfire here. Not only will she have lost her wings, (Which in extension means losing her status as the Wonderbolt Captain.) But she will lose probably only marefriend that actually cared for her sincerely and loved for who she was. Naturally, I might pair her up with Big Macintosh, having her taking over the sister role for Applebloom. Hey, both of them will develop a sisterly bond after this tragic event. And I imagine that their bond might just grow as strong as when it was between both Applebloom and Applejack, or even stronger if I am willing to push it.
Finally, as for Twilight? Viva la Resistance. While the whole world won't be taken down in one fell swoop, she will be aiding in operations in areas where ponies have launched their attack and taken over. This will be your typical resistance operation, using hit and run tactics to hurt their superior enemy. The group will be composed of possibly restored newfoals and any other pony, gryphon, cow, hippo, giraffe and everything else under the sun that has taken more than a mere dislike as to what is going on in this operation. As for the restored newfoals? I am not going to make that either easy for recovery. First, it will take a particularly skilled unicorn in the arts of magic, whom it will take time to properly train other unicorns who may be able to preform the spell. Secondly, it will take time to develop a counter spell. They will be able to suppress it at first, but unless their antidote is administered on a daily basics, the effects of the brainwashing will come back in full effect. And it won't be completely effective either. Another thing, the physical transformation is permanent. Ponies and other magical creatures also rely on their magic "aura" to live. If that suddenly becomes incompatible with the current body.... Well, they die.
In essence, this means Vinyl will now have to deal with an Octavia whom is unpredictable. Not only is this Octavia supportive of her now "beloved" Sun goddess, if captured, the ponies can finalize their finishing touches on the new foals, making their loyalty to Celestia a permanent attachment. That means some turncoats will be beyond help. A tragedy indeed. At this point, even Twilight will be exhausted in just trying to recover just one new foal. True, they CAN be rescued eventually... But that is a process that is going to take months, possibly even years to reverse the brainwashing effects made by their intergration within pony society. In other words, a task done only in peace time.
722716
You sure have alot of shipping ideas, but thanks anyway and you can use this if you want. You're going have to come up with their lines since they are still your interpretations of Vinyl and Octavia.
Well it definitely sounds like you got a plan and as much as I don't WANT you to kill Applejack for the sake of drama and probably get rid of Spitfire's human instead and would RATHER have both of them live, I CAN'T STOP YOU from the telling the story the way you want it to go. I'm also curious as to how your'e going to tell the drama of all the mane cast will suffer from witnessing the people they've become friends with become ponies because I feel like that's alot of bad stuff happening since it's techinically a Vinly and Octavia story. Not to mention that the way that it's happening to them reminds me too much of this game.
I wonder how PER Octavia is going to act though, from the way you describe her personality changes immediately and she goes on to change people with Vinyl not being able to do anything to stop despite being a unicorn. So what does PER Octavia do after her transformation? She just ups and leaves Vinyl and wrecks ponification havoc while be one step ahead of Vinyl or will the changes from her personality to being Xenolestia's happy slave be coming in slowly, like while she's initially happy about surporting Celestia and the ponification but prefers to spend time with Vinyl and then gradually start participating in more ponification activites and then tries to get Vinyl "help" when she voices everything that is wrong with Octavia?
728430 Like I said, I am making this up as I go. There is just so much to cover, with such little experience to actually push forth. Even though an INTP like myself should have trouble even writing this, I want to go forward and beyond. The main problem will be actually producing the chapters themselves, since for whatever reason I can't be botched to write it at home, despite the length of my comments right here and now. It is a miracle alone that I can write upwards up to 1000 words alone, and I am fearful of turning the whole bloody thing into a cheesy, typical low grade reading material. Thus, why I am always starring at a blank screen. I guess you can say I cannot look at the overall picture of each scene, taking in the little details instead. Each and every word has an impact. Each and every word has a different impression upon every reader. How am I to predict what everyone will see when they read this? I know what I will see, yet how can I express this in words alone? Ugh... Such a headache indeed.
And Luna knows that the rest of my stories need a little touch up as well.
Hell, some input would be nice. The more, the merrier.
As for how the rest of the story is going to turn out?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/42449/4/the-conversion-bureau-the-other-side-of-the-spectrum/monsters
Think along these lines. You see how Celestia reacted to Marcus's memories? Yeah, that is going to amount up to how the rest of the human sympathetic ponies are going to react. Utter silent horror at what is truly going on. Haunting grins upon the faces of the newfoals starring right back at them, their supposedly happy smiles only inspiring terror into the ponies who just now realize the full extent of whats going on. That is the line where they realize that they are essentially carrying out a genocide. Unbridled horror is what I want to express thoroughly here in ample amounts.
And when their human friends and loved ones are converted, donning the same sadistic smile upon their now newly formed muzzles?
Unwavering, all encompassing, blind rage. Rage at the complete destruction of all human achievement. Rage at the loss of human monuments that took sweat, blood and tears to build, for it took them many a century to reach this point. Rage at what they now see is a complete and utter genocide. Rage at the unholy lie that up until this point, believed and faithfully followed the whole time. All they know is this isn't harmony.
Not.
In.
The.
Slightest.
Bit.
Here hence, is what Vinyl is going to go through. No words will do justice to show the reader of just how horrified she is at this spectacle. And all that she can ask is this.
"Why!?"
Vinyl raged to the heavens, weeping many bitter tears which stung her eyes, clutching the now dead newfoal that was once Octavia's mother, dead by Vinyl's own hooves. In the corner, both Applejack and Spitfire were attending to Octavia's kid sister, thankfully who escaped the ponification squad's wrath. Spitfire whispered comforting words to the young one as she covered little Diane with both her wings, letting her weep into her fur coat while Applejack hoof closed the eyes of the now dead mother... Her hoof tipped Vinyl's head to eye level.
"Scratch." She spoke softly. "Ah... I don't know what to say."
"Why? Why did this have to happen Applejack? Why did this have to happen? WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO OCTAVIA!?" She shouted, voice hoarse as her hooves slammed into the earth, while Applejack could only look onward mournfully as her marefriend continued to comfort the very troubled youngling.
And once Octavia is completely safe from the brainwashing effects? Complete and utter anguish.
Null to emotion. Null at the lost of her hands. Cationic at the atrocities she committed by her own hooves.
There will be never enough soap to wash off the filthy words that she shouted in praise towards Celestia
730417
*sigh* It looks I don't have much of a choice if you're having that much trouble writing your story, I'll be your prereader. I've never done that before, because of... resposiblities and everything.
Also what you wrote for Vinyl saying the cheesy lines of dramatically saying "WHY?!" again, having her say this for every tragedy will probably lessen the impact that much more, though varaions of the same quesiton should be more acceptable, like "How...?" for example. That and why is Octavai's mother dead and how did this happen? I thought they were making newfoals not killing them. Were they caught in the crossfire of HLF and PER?
I understand the resulting anger from the PER's campaign but you have to find a way to make it appear more naturally rather than suddenly. Why don't you focus on what is going to happen in the next chapter first? ^^;
733690 The word natural and I are complete strangers to each other. This is why I am requesting your aid. My lines are not natural in the slightest. Everything is forced. EVERYTHING.... I just can't nail down that progressive flow.
Read aloud, only a monologue would be appropriate to the theme.
Being an INTP in this regards suuuuuucks...
http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nt-rationale/57803-intj-versus-intp-writing-styles.html
My thoughts cannot be thoroughly expresses by words alone. Only a machine capable of generating an image of what I see could I then hope to share my ideas and vision to the world! Oh dear Luna's beard why!
733690 As for that little scene, it was something that I came up on a whim, after Octavia pretty much made a hit and run on her family, with the mother just about to force the potion down the little one's throat......
Ugh.
734178
I'd say that's not entirely true, you made the scene with Vinyl receiving Octavia's present very well and you wrote the scene where the members of PER creeped Octavia out before Vinyl saved her very good as well. So don't be too hard on yourself in that regard and focus on what's going to happen in the next chapter.
That and sorry for forgetting that this short passage was written as an example. ^^;
735340 Meh. I'll be working out on the other stories of mine that need work.
Particularly giving "An Introvert's Perspective" a heavy revamp. Though I would like some constructive criticism before I go ahead out in the open.
GIve me your impressions on this chapter and the story as a whole. Do be a dear and tear into the third chapter with reckless abandon. You'll know when you see it when you come across..... Well, just see for yourself... God be with you mate.
739600
I need a password, PM me first.