An introvert can only stay secluded for so long before someone pulls them into the open. In Stuart's hellish nightmare, fantasies are twisted, dreams are annihilated, and personal security shattered. Emotional toil shall ensue evermore.
Alright, chapter two, also very good. You create an interesting picture with the dream creature being an interpretation of our imagination and inner self, which I give props to you for making. You also write Luna well, which is important for this.
Again, a few formatting errors and typos, some making you re-read until the actual meaning clicks.
A big thing that I've noticed is your syntax. Though most of the time your detail is great and I can picture the scene in my head, I would recommend in your new chapters very carefully reading your own work and making sure that the detail is there for the reader. It's very difficult, I won't lie, the reason is because as the writer you know what you want to write, so when you write something you don't see the details missing, but for the reader it is confusing occasionally.
One thing I forgot to mention on chapter one (it is here in chapter two as well) is your use of Ellipses. Ellipses are THREE periods, not two or four (which I saw both of in this chapter, at one point there was one with five.) Just be careful with them and make sure there is three periods.
Last thing, there was one continuity error. (or at least I think so)
Getting up from the bed slowly,
and then five lines later
Luna bolted up wide awake,
Personally, when I picture "bolted up" I see them as laying down and then quickly moving into an upright position, opposed to this where she is already part ways up and then bolting upwards. Make sense?
Alright, chapter two, also very good. You create an interesting picture with the dream creature being an interpretation of our imagination and inner self, which I give props to you for making. You also write Luna well, which is important for this.
Again, a few formatting errors and typos, some making you re-read until the actual meaning clicks.
A big thing that I've noticed is your syntax. Though most of the time your detail is great and I can picture the scene in my head, I would recommend in your new chapters very carefully reading your own work and making sure that the detail is there for the reader. It's very difficult, I won't lie, the reason is because as the writer you know what you want to write, so when you write something you don't see the details missing, but for the reader it is confusing occasionally.
One thing I forgot to mention on chapter one (it is here in chapter two as well) is your use of Ellipses. Ellipses are THREE periods, not two or four (which I saw both of in this chapter, at one point there was one with five.) Just be careful with them and make sure there is three periods.
Last thing, there was one continuity error. (or at least I think so)
and then five lines later
Personally, when I picture "bolted up" I see them as laying down and then quickly moving into an upright position, opposed to this where she is already part ways up and then bolting upwards. Make sense?
i don't understand what's going on with luna. looks like a good story but i can get whats going on.