day with Regidar · 11:50pm May 3rd
I1 elucidated myself to consciousness at about 6 AM on Sunday, 2024-04-28, coming from a strange dream.2 After some further brief relapses to slumber, I dressed and made my way to the kitchen. My breakfast consisted of two plain bread rolls. I spent some time sitting, staring, listening to music.3 I then made my exit.
There was brief confusion on exactly where I was to meet Regidar4 but it soon subsided as most brief things tend to do. Regi looked vaguely familiar in a weird way - I didn't pick up until fairly later on that this was for a passing resemblance to a character from the TV show “It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. I didn't mention this resemblance, I assumed Regi had heard the comparison enough times before. When we met, Regi brought me close in this simple motion: Strung an arm around my back (hand in fist form), then sort of bumped our chests together. It wasn't quite a proper hug or embrace, but it was more physical contact than I was used to with most people. I didn't have the reflexes or social experience to properly reciprocate. The motion reminded me of American football in some way, though I have no experience at all with American football. It was kind and also brief. I didn't mention the accent, one that was almost humorous with its distinction from my own.
The first thing we did was walk through the park.5 The first while of it was quiet, on my part at least - as it often is on my end. I am more than used to being the quietest person in any given place, which works out fine in internet chat rooms but ends up a lot more difficult in person. I still wouldn't class this early tract as awkward: Not as full and whole as our later conversations - definitely extremely one-sided - but not awkward. I, at least, was still basking in the happenstance that this happened in the first place, still. The weather was grey, but not cold or rainy. Basic how-are-yous were exchanged, short discussion on the place we were meeting and plans for the day and for food and similar things. The topic of MLP did not come up for a surprising amount of time, really - not until after I'd allowed myself to slip into the conversation as equal, at least.
I've always had this weird need, walking in groups, that anytime we walk past a pole I have to go on the opposite side of the pole to the others.
There was discussion of internet memes, i.e. engagement/unwillful engagement/nonengagement with them. We are both of the age to have been raised by the internet and through its culture of memes, and of the age to now have stepped away from the pulse we once not just had our hands on, but made beat, heart in fist. Through and past the park, we spent a lot of time walking alongside the river, the irony of which only occurred to me the next day.6 There was discussion, too, of some of the beauty of this country. It is a beautiful country when it wants to be.
The topic of accents did come up, actually, but not of our own.
There was a brief7 deviation through a record store. Music was basically what Regi and I really bonded over in the first place - fittingly, here was the place I noticed that Regi was wearing a hoodie with a design based on an album they had introduced me to, an album which I had ended up buying a copy of in that very record store - on another day, a week or two before we visited together - which I thought was sort of cool, the hoodie, but then also the album itself, too. Neither of us bought anything there but it made a nice chance to gush more about music we like - there being a pretty substantial crossover of taste in terms of like pop-punk sorta stuff, more serious and considered indie rock, a few things that start with post-, and then also the pretty typical white-rap-fan8 stuff. I realise, writing this now, I forgot to check if they had a copy of Funeral by Arcade Fire at the store.
Lunch itself was mostly9 insignificant, but the venue itself was not. Waiting there was when I remembered to give Regi the card10 I had written them, which was basically an extended thank you for putting up with me. Regi took it well11 and brought me in for the second bro-hug-bump12 of the day. It was also where we first really started talking about MLP: Regi and I have very similar feelings on the later seasons of Friendship is Magic, but our opinions on the earlier seasons diverge more. Regi views the show as a whole as a well made but ultimately flawed and held-back expression of a far better concept. I see the show as a genuinely good to incredible, for the most part, TV show (kids show or no) that lends itself to fanwork so well because of just how good it is. When the topic of the fate of Cozy Glow came up, we both seemed about equally exasperated. Though the phrase “slam-your-mansterdam” entered my head multiple times it never once exited my lips.
We, at a point, visited a desecrated church.
Discussion of several Fimfiction authors familiar to either the one or the both of us came up throughout the day.13 This served as a reminder of the impossible and incredible nature of our meeting: Like, these two random pony-fic writers, the fact that, out of all the pony-fic writers out there, they even start talking in the first place, and, God, that they actually like each other, of course, and then, somehow, really impossibly, they just so happen to be in the same place at the same time so Hey, why not meet up? A lot of the time, older fandom discussion leaves me with this empty pit inside in terms of “you missed this and can never go back”, but it helps a lot when I'm with friends.14
It worries me that I don’t remember a lot of what happened to be said that day, nor even all the general circles15 the conversations wound about in. I’ve always been fairly fearful for my lack of memory, even though from all exchanges with others I remember pretty much as much as the general person - I think it’s probably some smaller manifestation of the general fear of loss, that these things can just fall behind and pass us by and disappear. Crawl away through some drain and it’s gone, these things which at the time are not only so important but are our whole. That’s the fear of it, that I’m losing part of my friend by losing my memories.16
When I recommended the TV show The Heart, She Holler17 (of which it seems I may be the only actual fan) I accidentally called it a “Gothic Western” instead of a “Southern Gothic”. And, thinking about it, we did discuss the accents - albeit very briefly: “We invented the letter R, then you actually started to pronounce it”.18
We were standing there, middle of some mall19, talking together (about movies I think), so stuck into this little conversation that we didn't realise how fast the time passed: That Regi already needed to go. So, we came in together for one last20 American Football embrace, totalling three for the day. I think the last thing Regi said to me before we parted ways was “see you next year!” which is about equal parts heartbreaking and heartmending to think about.
And then of course, the day is gone and I’m sat here writing this, and there is no dust streaming from my tear ducts, merely the residuals of past worn smiles. I already miss Regi, a lot, but (barring some immediate, truly unforeseen and horrible tragedy) it won’t be forever.
1 Aioli, A.K.A. alaoel, A.K.A. alafoel, A.K.A. various other names not applicable here; past winner of M/M writing contest, future (as of time of writing) winner of quills and sofas speedwrite contest, editor for two 'big name' Fimfiction authors, multiple time featurebox inhabitor, ‘victim’ of interview with It Is All Hell, explicit inspiration for multiple writers and generally an all around acknowledged presence within the community.
2 It was strange, mostly, in the sense that basically all dreams are strange (though, ironically, the vast majority of my dreams are - or used to be, at least - very mundane and unhallucinatory in the way real life is mundane and unhallucinatory, the example coming to mind being a very literal and simple dream of having to pay import tax on a parcel coming from abroad which mirrored basically perfectly the actual experience of paying import tax on a parcel coming from abroad which I carried out later the day of said dream) with the fuzzy and metaphorical nature of the physical aspects of dreams (i.e. this is my old school, even though it looks and sounds nothing like it, this is it, because the dream tells me this is it) but also in the fact that in the dream I was Twilight Sparkle. There was some major issue facing Equestria that only I, as Twilight Sparkle, could solve by giving up part of my magic to bring the balance back to Equestria. Then the next bit is fuzzy, but I'm in my old school (see previous) and I’m meeting Regidar and I'm still Twilight Sparkle. The only part of the conversation I recall was that I pointed out to Regi that the photo they chose for my school ID was really awful. Looking at the card, it wasn't a photo of me at all (Twilight Sparkle or no). It was a poorly cropped photo of the title of one of my Fimfiction stories, dark mode in the featurebox. I use light mode in real life.
3 In order: EP: Notorious Lightning and Other Works by Destroyer, in total. LP: Kaputt by Destroyer, stopping partway through the final track. Single track: If You Could Save Yourself (You’d Save Us All) by Ween - I would continue to sing this to myself throughout the day. Several My Little Pony Tracks: We’re Friendship Bound, official. A Better Way To Be Bad, official. It’ll Be Okay, fan track from Friendship is Witchcraft. (I believe I have finished, for now, my Car Seat Headrest phase and lapsed back into my Destroyer phase.)
4 This is a name close readers may recognise from previous shills of mine: The question, I’m sure, this leaves is “do you only shill your friends?”. I feel, personally, it’s more that I only friend my shills.
5 The park, as in there were multiple but this was the largest and the one we returned to most.
6 Ex.:
“untitled
There was a time, I was held
right alongside the others
and I don't know if it's
true
anymore.
and it feels different because the
reflection in the river
hollowed out and
showed me your bones,
(Do I use the river metaphor too much?)
One Thousand Years
of river's tide,
could tear apart ribs and hearts.
Or ribs at least, and bear the heart:
ready to be plunged
empty of blood, set only of water
water green and brown and blue
under the light of sky, blue
Unafraid of clouds.
but clouds are here, and
we're finally
Distinct
I know now flesh unjoined
where I once presumed
connected at the back,
at the wrist.
Face to Face.
I miss those days, when you were me.
I miss those days of ignorance:
Lost,
floating somewhere down the river.”
None of the poems I wrote about Regidar specifically (which, having reread, feel born of evil spirit and I will refuse to name which ones they are) used river imagery, but all of my work that uses river imagery uses it to refer to the unstable and ever changing nature of relationships (romantic or platonic or etc.), and the fact of the warped reflection of yourself that you will find in/as the other if you do not commit yourself to actually examine deeper and look under the surface. Not that it is all negative, of course: Rivers are beautiful and incredible things, as are relationships. They just need to be taken with the weather. As with most metaphors/allegories/etc., it doesn't translate perfectly into concrete language, but then if it did why would I be using it in the first place?
7 Thinking about it, it was actually pretty long.
8 A fan of rap who is themselves white, not a fan of rappers who are white.
9 I did notice, however, that Regi seemed to break their fries into smaller pieces by hand before eating them.
10 Pretty standard greeting card: Shetland Pony on the front (neither of us brought attention to this, but I assume the irony/relevance of the design was obvious to the both of us), “blank inside for your own message”.
11 A constant worry for me in every interaction is that my affection will be confused for flirtation - I feel already that my affection for my friends is often higher than is typical in platonic relationships (at points almost all consuming, this burn and beat in the heart), and I worry that the way I go about expressing this affection is, too, over the top, or just plain misidentifiable. The common connotations of the phrase “I love you” certainly doesn't help with this, but also just with any compliment I throw, I worry it is too much or too far or too weird. The fact of the matter is, every time I do mean to flirt, my attempt basically ends up as some mangled variation of the phrase “I'm flirting with you”. Anyway, for various reasons, at least one genuinely present on the day, I especially did not want my affection to be confused with flirtation that day.
12 where doing it man / where MAKING THIS HAPEN
13 Not telling who.
14 A friend of mine once very elegantly said “think about what people in the future will miss and treasure it” and I don't know anything people miss more than people.
15 Circles not un-akin to the cyclical ambulations we ended up falling through, on accounts of my not knowing the area as much as I should, vis-a-vis where to go on walks etc.
16 Especially considering that what are other people in our lives but our memories of them, right? Minus some impossible freaky friday situation, our understanding of others is filtered entirely through our personal experience with them: our memory of our time with them, of what others have said about them, of what they’ve said about themselves. It genuinely gives me the shudders here and now to know that when I think of Regi’s voice it’s basically just some low-tier approximation, in my head, something that does not properly resemble the real deal.
17 The Heart, She Holler is a Surreal Southern-Gothic Comedic Anti-Soap, notable, mostly, for being created by the same PFFR who made Wonder Showzen and Xavier: Renegade Angel yet being as popular as neither (despite, subjectively, still being an incredibly strong program), and for basically perfecting the whole “the TV talks back” thing to such a high degree that if no one else ever tries it again, it's no worry because Heart, She did it proper.
18 Non-rhoticity in accent is a constant minor aesthetic thorn in my side, to the point where I have coached myself to smooth out the non-rhotic nature of my vocals when need be, though I never really utilise this ability. My American accent(s) have been described as “passing” to “good”. Ironically, one of the ones I struggle with most is the Boston accent.
19 We had, I believe, just come from a bookshop in the mall - this was, of course, a good venue for discussion of literature, i.e. what we were reading, what we have already read, what we were going to read. Unsurprisingly, me and Regi have very close tastes in terms of lit. (in fact, I was, as of time of writing, still in the middle of a book they had recommended to me a month or so prior - it being a very long book), though Regi has never quite actually powered all the way through Homestuck (a feat which basically defined me as a person) but other than that it’s very similar. Regi, simply, is a person who very much respects the power of language and prose: When it is used well, it is consuming and life-changing. When it is used poorly, it’s just sort of sad, really; this flat bake of text that sews in on the surface all these emotions that should be taking place but really holds none of them beneath, that does not bend itself to prove but still asks that you take it for the gymnast. Poetry is of course strong in this far more non-concrete way, which is hard to put into words, even, but seems to string us both the same.
20 God damn, right? God damn.
What did I just read?
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This blog post is a stylised account of my genuine experience on 2024-04-28, when I met up with Fimfiction user Regidar in person.
That was an interesting read.
I'd say you captured that initial awkwardness of first meeting an online person rather well. I can really identify with that, and a lot of this really.
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Thank you! I think in the technical senses it's definitely weaker than the most of my writing, but I also feel it captures a genuineness and immediacy that would be lost with further revisions. I'm definitely glad to know the feeling in it wasn't lost with the style/execution.
I have a super close friend of 5 years now who I've only known online and both of us have wanted to meet for a while, this feels like how I would hope it might go >< <33 you have a very interesting and unique way of story telling and I love it so much
Enjoyable.