The Curse of Creativity · 2:48am April 6th
I want to write a story.
My last story was uploaded in January. It was a gift exchange over QnS. I’ve started on many stories since then, I haven’t finished a single one besides the ones I’ve written for QnS. That’s all you’ll be getting in the foreseeable future, probably.
I want to write a story just like I want to create music, or write lyrics, or do any other thing that could be constituted as “art” in any way, shape, or form.
The itch to create constantly burns inside me, if I’m not doing anything I consider productive when I’ve got time on my hands— I consider it a waste. I blame it on the AD/HD really. While watching Hermitcraft can keep the toddler brain occupied, the adult brain in me finds it a waste of time.
So, why haven’t I created anything in months?
I ask myself this question constantly. I always want to make more, but I never do. It hasn’t left me in the brightest of states, but I’m relatively nonchalant about it.
And whenever I ask myself this question, I can always come up with the answer. I don’t have time.
But, that’s essentially bullshit. I have plenty of time, I always fire back. But deep inside I know I don’t.
I’m employed now. I work at McDonald’s. They were the only place that would hire me I tried. I was starting to get to the “places I don’t want to work” section on my list. Now they have me working 6 days a week, including nighttime on weekends, because I stupidly said I would work on weekends. But since I’m working so much, the single day I’m not working, my family always wants to do something with me.
I don’t mind this— I like spending time with my family. But when that one day you’re off is busy, well, you’re busy.
So, I’ve taken to calling in on certain days, and this has helped me get my songs done, but I always take long walks across the city because I don’t want my parents to know I call off. Now, again, I lile taking long walks, but when I get to a random Arby’s downtown I only have like 30 minutes to work on shit before I have to get back on the bus and go home.
But also, these long walks give me story ideas, and feed back into that desire to create.
But these ideas are never solid enough to spin a story off of. Sure, there’s that couple flying a pride flag who waved to me off the side of a footpath, and that’s a scene almost like the ones Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay was inspired from. Something as simple as reading gay fanfiction by a lake. Or, something as simple as a bagel in a coffee shop.
But now, I have a whole host of issues I feel the need to worry about so I can’t just write a story that sincere again.
First, I have to make it into a story. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the way I lost that abstract thought. When I see a couple wave at me off the side of a footpath— I want to write a story about a couple off the side of a footpath, not what led them there, their motivations, their thoughts. This often doesn’t lead to very long stories as you can imagine.
Then, I have to go through the back-and-forth of “is this a pony story?” “is it too human?” “is it too experimental?” “is it experimental enough?”
In my mind, I have an audience to satisfy now. I don’t. I haven’t since 2022. To write something as batshit insane as Frag/Ment/Ed requires a strong emotion, and a willingness that you might very well confuse the audience you have. Fluffy little stories feel artificial somehow, even though coziness is a strong emotion. There has to be a catch— and a lot of the times, I don’t have one.
Maybe I’m just a fluff writer at heart, maybe I shouldn’t try and do more. Maybe I can think about that couple off the footpath as simply that— but then we run into the issue of wringing 1k+ words out of that. I know that some of my best stories are the ones where I decided that I wasn’t a fluff writer, but… I never know how to write more stories like that.
And even when I do come up with an idea and can make it work— I’m too tired. When I get home I want to fall asleep and keep my toddler brain occupied while my adult brain takes a power nap.
This was almost a Raining-verse story. This blog post right here. I wanted to make a whole meta thing and release a story that was canceled from the get-go, but then I realized I had to make that work, and that was too much for me.
If you’re wondering why this blog is called “The Curse of Creativity”, it’s because I needed a hook first and foremost— I’ve been in a coma for months. But also because sometimes I feel like it’s just that.
Creativity is necessary for human function. Without creativity, the world would be about 10x more miserable to live in. Artists are important, as are musicians, actors, all of them.
I’d consider creativity one of my greatest strengths even. I can create a wide range of stuff and it’s not half-bad, and I know with practice soon Forgotten Nostalgia will sound like The Shaggs.
But my creativity wants to write a story.
And I cannot.
And until next time; be awesome
-Dashie
Or: "Dashie spends 300 words essentially saying she has writer's block"
Ive only just recently followed you and havent had time to familiarize myself with your work, but it's always unfortunate when someone has a want that can't be fulfilled. There's not a lot I can say that would help when it comes to writer's block, especially for a stranger, but if I were to try, I'd ask: "Why is it that you want to write what you want to write?"
Maybe you've heard it before, maybe not. You don't even have to tell me, specifically, its just the most I can think to offer someone going through this. Maybe if you can get a better angle on the whys of what you want you can find a step forward through this internal conflict. Sort something out decisively, or learn something new. Youre certainly not alone in this feeling, but from what I've seen everyone has a unique experience with it. And everyone has a different answer to that question.
In the meantime, hold strong and take care of yourself, all of that good stuff.
Sorry to hear things are rough for you currently. Definitely hoping they smooth out soon. I wonder if perhaps using a recorder of some sort might help you get ideas down?
As well, there's nothing wrong with having a doc or a fic you drop story snippets into. Not everything has to be done and polished, no? Though I will acknowledge it sounds like that's not quite what you're hoping for. but perhaps it could help as a stopgap?