Not Quite Awoken, And Not Yet In Control · 12:00am February 16th
I’ve got nothing better to talk about today, so I think I’ll make this my time to come clean about a long-struggling project of mine: Absentia.
Those of you who have been reading my blogs for a while will no doubt recall me having brought this up several times. My first attempt to write it was way back in… 2019? I think? I actually finished a draft of the story then, which came out to some 30k words. But it didn’t feel good to me, and when I introduced it to a couple pre-readers for feedback they echoed my concerns. Thus did I toss the whole thing in the “rejected” bin.
I’ve since tried on four separate occasions to rewrite the story. The first three times I would get maybe a couple chapters in and realize it still wasn’t working. The most recent attempt was last year, and I felt like that one was going well. I stopped working on it in November because I felt my NaNoWriMo work should go to the Guppy Love originalfication. Finally, I picked it up earlier this month, but paused to review everything that was going on with it and what I wanted. And it hit me…
It’s still not very good. The plot is dragging, I was trying to do too many things at once, and certain important elements were getting buried. And I’m all like, “Well, shit. Now what do I do?”
This story has been a curse. I know very well what I want it to be, and I am convinced it could be an excellent piece if approached the right way. But every time I try to do so, I realize that as a critic I would find a lot to be critical of. But I figure I’ve been hinting at it for so long that I might as well come clean about what Absentia is actually supposed to be. For the record, no, I’m not counting this as a C&C blog, on account of how I still very much intend to try writing it. Again. Preferably soon. But maybe after finishing some smaller projects first.
So what is Absentia? One user called it, albeit unintentionally: it’s Rainbow Factory. Or rather, it’s a total reimagining of the concept. Largely ignoring existing literature on the topic, the story would be based entirely on the ideas and concepts brought forth by the two songs, Rainbow Factory and Pegasus Device, much more the latter than the former. Several elements are changed for the overarching world, such as the factory’s age, the intended victims (read: no more foal murder), and what the factory is actually intended to do. Beyond merely being a re-imagining from the ground up of Rainbow Factory, it would also be the introduction of a whole new AU in which all the pre-Magical Mystery Cure Mane Six are corrupted in some way.
The story is set in an AU where magic is fading away for reasons unknown (well, unknown to most). It is set 500 years after the events of the show, assuming MMC never happened. The Rainbow Factory is a modern myth, the kind of tale told around campfires and at sleepovers. Magic has largely disappeared, but a tiny portion of the Equestrian population still has it, making them specialized and highly sought after in the workplace. In this setting appears a pair of archaeologists who have made it their life-mission to rediscover the old Weather Factory of Cloudsdale, which fell to earth somewhere in a mountain range on the borders of Equestria. Though Celestia and Luna have forbade their expedition, they grab a ragtag team of ponies and go anyway.
To their shock, they instead discover the crashed and long-abandoned Rainbow Factory hidden high in the isolated peaks. As they begin to study their find, members of the expedition die one at a time, until it finally comes to light that not only does the factory still work, but somepony is trying to resume production. While this is going on, flashbacks reveal the history of the Factory; how it came to be, why Rainbow Dash agreed to participate, and how the whole system came crashing down.
That was the original idea, and indeed all of those elements remain an intended part of the story. In my most recent attempt, I decided to instead turn the story into two separate but concurrently-told parts: one in the past and one in the present. The present would be the material outlined above, while the past would be told from Rainbow’s perspective and show her gradual acceptance of her role as the Rainbow Mare. The intention was to have the two stories correlate to one another thematically, such that the audience would be able to actively see the similarities of the characters and events as they occur.
The problem I faced was an overemphasis on Rainbow’s story, which was becoming too long to serve as a 1-to-1 comparison with the expedition’s story. Since I was starting off with Rainbow as the in-show character, a lot of work becomes necessary to make her turn to villainy realistic (a primary goal). But the story set in the future doesn’t need to be long, because what is happening in it is comparatively straightforward and doesn't require a lot of time passing to make the character behavior believable. The two simply weren’t mixing well, and Rainbow Dash was drowning out the expedition’s story. On top of that, there were a bunch of sub-elements being introduced on the RD-side of things that was slowing down the story even more and diluting the themes. But those sub-plots are important if I want to make this the overarching AU introduction I desire, with tie-ins plans for much shorter stories involving the other Mane Six.
So now I have a new idea. One of the troubles of the previous plan was trying to tie the individual events together between past and present as the reader read them. The thought now is to divide the main story into three distinct “Parts” that each act as its own contained story, without trying too tie those parts so closely together. The first would focus on Rainbow Dash’s introduction to the originally benign idea of the Rainbow Factory, its evolution into what it ultimately became, and concluding with RD’s final acceptance of her role in regards to it. The second part would focus on Scootaloo (who, despite being so important to the overall story, was one of the characters getting sidelined) and her desire to join the Factory, unaware of its true nature, which would conclude with the factory’s downfall. The final part would be the expedition 500 years later, where some new information is revealed about the factory’s terrible nature.
All that being done, I’d follow the story up with a series of shorts that would show what became of the rest of the Mane Six one at a time, revealing where they went, some who are coming back, and a few who never left.
In the past I often referred to Absentia as horror-lite. This is because while there are indeed some terrible things happening, it’s not really a horror story. Much of the story is set before the factory starts reaping its bloody harvest, and the whole point is to make the corruption of Rainbow Dash – indeed, all the Mane Six – believable and interesting in equal measure. It’s a tragedy, sure, but it’s also a drama piece with adventurous bits as required. I also wanted to broaden the scope by incorporating other characters into the story and demonstrate that the factory’s existence has a broader impact than on just the principle players. For instance, Twilight and Luna play important roles, both shifting between enablers and antagonists at times, and the Factory becomes a key component in the fight to try and prevent the loss of magic in the world (and yes, the reason for said loss does eventually get revealed).
For those of you wondering, yes, I have approached Aurora Dawn in regards to this project. I felt it was important to get his input on my ideas. The primary takeaway was that I approach these kinds of things in a very different way, albeit not a bad one (particularly interesting is how he apparently wanted the Factory in his story to feel 'alive' and Lovecraftian in nature, which is a thought that I applied somewhat to this re-imagining as well, albeit in a very different way). It was a nice chat, and I hope that if I can ever get this damn thing done then it will meet with his approval.
I might not work on this for a little while, because I’ve blown a lot of time on it lately already and I do have other projects. But I’m hoping after a few more releases I can get back to it and finally work on it in earnest. The good news is that a lot of the material in my latest efforts can be retooled to work with this new direction, so the next attempt won’t be a another total rewrite.
That’s enough of that for today. Come by next week for Applejack being a (not-so) useful idiot, Starlight Glimmer being her own worst enemy, and a necromancer hunt gone horribly wrong.
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It's pretty crazy that I stumbled on this blog, because I've also had a story I've toyed with for years now that I've struggled to write centered on an AU of Rainbow Factory; and title of mine is also Absentia.
I was intending to write it after We're Trapped in Stone, but it's been sidelined since. Recently, I've been grabbing for the inspiration to write it in full.
I will say, my idea is quite a bit different from yours and is definitely less epic in scope. Seeing as you've given details on your story, I'll give insight into mine as well.
The story is an AU from the series right from the start. Long ago, Equestria was being consumed by great darkness. The Pegasi found a way to create a forcefield around what was left of Equestria, made from a magic rainbow. In order to keep the rainbow powered and to prevent the overpopulation that would obviously entail in such a close space, the Rainbow Factory was created. And those deemed unfit to serve society were fed to the machine. The Wonderbolts are reimagined as the heads of the Factory, which is why Rainbow is working there: It's a Wonderbolt's Duty to Protect and Preserve.
Funnily enough, my story also focuses on two lines of story, though mine is more basic. It focuses on Rainbow Dash and, of course, Scootaloo; though I think Scoot's role is quite a bit different from what you have in mind. See, she's already Absentia in the story. She works in the factory as essentially a slave, despite being unable to fly, and with no memory of her life before the Factory. The story follows RD discovering the truth about the Factory and Scootaloo discovering the truth about her past.
It's not gonna be a very long fic, probably not that much longer than the original Rainbow Factory story; definitely not the kinda length you're going for. But while I'm not looking to build a line of short stories from the AU, I do have a sequel story in mind that will deal with the fallout from the first story: that story will be called Spectra.
Another interesting thing to note is this:
I've never seen Aurora Dawn mention this detail, but this is also something I've had in mind for the story; the Factory being like a living entity, or at least Rainbow perceiving it as such.
So, there's some insight into my own story. I felt compelled to talked about due to how much of a coincidence it is that we had outwardly similar ideas with the same story title. Plus, I didn't want you to think I was stealing your idea or anything.
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This is not the first time I've had someone write a story with a similar, if not exactly identical, concept to my own at the same time I was doing it (see Guppy Love and The Farmer & The Mermaid). If you ever did release the story, I'd feel obligated to review it... just to scope out the competition.
Mine's on the back burner at the moment, partially because of the lack of public interest but also because the regularly recurring failure to develop it into something I'm happy with is taking up time that could be spent working on other projects. It's time to focus on those for a while, methinks. But someday I might get back to Absentia. I believe the idea is good enough that I might even consider abandoning the MLP version and creating an original fiction variant.
As for Aurora Dawn's "Lovecraftian" comment, that was something he told me in a private conversation. If he mentioned it elsewhere, I don't know about it.
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Well, that's encouraging, seeing as I love seeing my stuff be reviewed, whether it be positive or negative.
Perhaps my story will in turn provide you with inspiration for your story.
After reading all this, for me there seems to be a real problem with links in your outline.
It seems like you want to write something a tad similar from the Goldenblood plotline in project Horizon, when Blackjack discovers what happened to past Equestria, but you're more and more in love with your Goldenblood and your Blackjack is getting sidelined.
When I read your blog I saw three distinct ideas:
And quite frankly they don't seem quite that connected. I'm more of a reader than a writer, but when I hear "Magic is gone" as a premise, while it does make it interesting to think about, the first thing I think off is not "let's go do archeology!" it's "what fresh apocalypse happened in a world like Equestria after the magic was gone? What's the current situation? How does the landscape looks like?". A bit like if one day, electricity suddenly vanished from earth.
I'm not saying this is not workable as your setting, but it's still missing a hook of some sort. What's the world like? If it's not too dissimilar from the show's world, why? What would make people decide to betray Celestia (I'll assume she can still use magic to raise the sun) and go look for a Cloud Factory? What are they looking for in there?
Same thing, as a pure reader I don't know if it would work to see Rainbow Dash fall from grace, do more and more extreme things to save her world, and then switch to Scootaloo's POV where she doesn't know anything. From a story standpoint it would work if us, the reader, shared Scootaloo's bewilderment. Instead the sole basis for the story would be the dramatic irony of us knowing what she doesn't, but I don't know if it can carry the story that far. Once again, from what you wrote, it lacks a hook, something more to keep the story going.
I'm not saying you couldn't make all of this work (any idea can work if done well enough) but the descriptions just seem a bit disconnected from one another. The ideas are all good individually, but I'm not sure about the synergy is what I'm saying. Maybe that's the wall you're hitting?
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Reading all of this, it bears noting that you're not seeing everything. I didn't have time to put down every detail of the concept, nor should I have done so just in case I ever do release anything.
So one error caused by this is the idea that "magic is gone/leaving" is just a side gig that isn't explored. But it is, in fact, a critical element that defines a lot of what is going on with the characters. The way Twilight both aids and sabotages (in a sense) Rainbow Dash is based on this element. A major aspect of Scootaloo's relationship with Rainbow Dash hinges on it. All the new characters in the future portion of the story have had their entire lives defined by it; how could I even write that part of the story without bringing up exactly why they're deciding to break with Celestia and Luna and seek out the factory? Hell, the entire reason the Rainbow Factory is created has to do with the world losing magic. You can't write any of this without exploring the topic. Or, well, you could, but you wouldn't have a very good story if you did. But you wouldn't have known I was addressing any of this from the description above, because again, I don't want to reveal too many details at this time. I'm barely comfortable saying what I have in this response and should probably stop this particular track.
The second thing – the stories not being connected – is simultaneous correct and incorrect. They are very connected, the problem is finding ways to not make any one story overwhelm the others. In that regard your "Goldenblood v Blackjack" metaphor is right on the money.
The hook, on the other hand, is... uncertain. Each one has its hook, but making those hooks last is an issue, especially with all three elements competing for attention. There's also the fourth idea you missed: the rest of the Mane Six. While I don't intend any of their descents into villainy to be broadly told within the Absentia story, planting the seeds of their stories is. Figuring out how to do that is like trying to solve a 3D puzzle with a bunch of 2D puzzle pieces. I still don't know if I can make it work, and that particular element may have to be crapped entirely.
As for the "the reader knows what's going on while Scootaloo doesn't", that's obligatory. This is a re-imagining of Rainbow Factory. By default, the reader knows what it happening. There's no way around that, and it's true for both the Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash side of things. We all know where this is going. The hook, therefor, must be the how.
Anyway, the solution I've already mentioned and which I think could work would be to make each of the three main elements – Rainbow's fall, Scootaloo's discovery, and the future expedition – be their own stories. This way they aren't competing with one another and each builds up to what happens next. This also means I no longer need to have a single unifying hook, but can give each its own hook that only needs to last so long. Now the synergy isn't as big an issue (though it still can't be ignored). The question now becomes whether I write them as three separate FIMFiction stories or as one big story with three "parts".