• Member Since 19th Jul, 2013
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Fluttercheer


Pony Author, Writer of Foal Stories, Storyteller, Equestrian Analyzer and occasional Pony Artist. You can support the stories I tell on Patreon to get nice rewards or tip me on Ko-fi (LINKS BELOW).

More Blog Posts722

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Jan
21st
2024

Am I an evil person? · 1:07am January 21st

Many years ago, I lived together with a person who called herself my "mother". She was evil and also mentally ill. A few days ago, on Thursday, I came to think about her, because I was thinking about the mistake I made in January of 2017 and how my extreme reaction there must have been because of a mental illness.
I thought back to this person, how she was also mentally ill, but how she was evil regardless. She has locked me up inside for all of my childhood and most of my teenage years, only allowed me to go outside at her side and treated me like I'm her possession. Once she has punched me in the face and popped my upper lip open, then required me not to tell anyone and to come up with a story to cover it up, and she constantly blamed me for her own bad luck in life, to the point that she said she regrets that she birthed me and that I'm Satan. And she did other things to me, that I won't be talking about here. That's how I know that she was evil and that her mental illness has not made her do these evil things. She's always been like this and only became mentally ill later on, on top of all that. I was thinking about this and concluded that even evil people can become mentally ill, because neither is mutually exclusive, and that the mental illness doesn't excuse their evil deeds, because it's not causing them. And then I was asking myself, when even evil people can become mentally ill on top of being evil and when their mental illness doesn't diminish their evil and is no excuse for their evil deeds, does that mean that I am evil, too, with my own mental illness? I was pondering this thought since Thursday and it gave me no rest.
Today, I was thinking about it more. I rode out on the subway to a store that's rather far away because, being a Saturday, the other store I wanted to buy groceries from had already closed. I was thinking about this question, comparing myself with that person from my past, the whole ride to the store and inside the store and was still busy thinking about it on the way back. I was thinking about how I don't know why I made that mistake in January of 2017 and how that leaves the possibility that I am indeed evil, that I reacted like this back then because of a subconscious desire to create havoc, a desire so strong that I was even willing to risk and endanger my dream position of a quest writer for "Legends of Equestria". And I tried to think of good deeds I did before I made that mistake and the resulting conflict happened. I could not come up with many that were selfless, that weren't also selfish and benefitted me too in some way, and only with very few good deeds, namely the rare occasion when I gave a homeless person some money instead of thinking that I don't have much myself and not enough to give (something that was almost never true, I only recently realized), that I didn't benefit from myself. I even gave a ukrainian woman a bit of money today while on the ride to the store, she asked me for some because she didn't have much and ukrainian refugees without a job don't get much money from the government in the country I live in, then later had to admit that I only gave her money to make her go away. I gave a homeless man 5 euros and two bananas on Tuesday and, afterwards, decided this would be the last time I do that for a while because I'm spending too much lately and I start worrying it's becoming a financial risk. But saying "No" to that woman would have ended in arguments, attempts to convince me, and I was not mentally fit for that in this moment, so I only gave her 4 euros to avoid that. I helped her with that, but I wasn't selfless.
I pondered that and I kept trying to remember any good, selfless deeds I did before I made that mistake and that would prove that I'm not evil. When I was switching from one subway line to another, something happened that gave me perspective about that.
On the way to the other subway, I saw an old, chinese man sitting on a small chair. I could not see it well, but he was sitting on something, apparently taking a rest because he had trouble walking. He was sitting at a spot where he wasn't in the way of anyone, didn't block any paths, didn't block access to an emergency exit or an elevator or a staircase or an escalator and was just peacefully minding his own business. A subway security stood in front of him and was arguing with him. The old man was arguing back and he angrily slammed his cane onto the floor. Another security stood guard a few meters away. I saw all that and I was counting 1 + 1 together in a matter of seconds. I looked over to the scene and kept looking at it while I was going past it. The security who stood guard approached me and asked me if I "need something". I stopped and asked him in return if there's any problem. He answered and said that I don't know what is happening here right now. I said that he is right and that I really don't know that, but that I'm wondering why they're badgering an old man who just peacefully sits there and does nothing wrong. He answered: "Don't intervene." I chickened out at that point, just said "Uh-huh" and went my way, up the escalator to my subway. When I looked back from the escalator one more time, the security I talked to was looking at me and still walked a few steps into my direction. I wanted to say more, but since I am mentally battered right now, I didn't bring up the courage to say the other things. But it didn't leave my mind anymore.
One or two minutes later, I went back down to the spot on another route, down a staircase, because I wanted to make sure the old man is alright. I positioned myself nearby and watched. I was being left alone this time, even though the security from earlier was still there and I stood at a spot where he must have seen me. Two more securities were there by that point and the old man stood next to them while they seemed to pick up his belongings. Then they escorted him, one security on each side. I backed up, but kept watching from the distance how they escorted him to an elevator and rode up with him. I also went to the elevators, called one and took the one right next to them and followed them up. I was so tense that I almost forgot to press the button inside the elevator and I arrived upwards after them. My plan was to talk to the old man and ask him what they wanted and if they gave him any trouble. But after I left the elevator, I couldn't see him anymore and was not able to find him again, not even after I took another elevator all the way up to the surface. He had just disappeared in the masses. But this event has answered my question.
I was taking a risk there. When I saw the old man and the securities, I immediately knew they were rascist. The man being chinese, just minding his own business where he didn't disturb or inconvenience anyone, one security standing guard, his aggressive behavior towards me when I inquired what's happening, how he told me not to intervene when I questioned that they took action on the man. Securities only react like this if they're doing something shady. He was nervous, because he knew I had figured out that they treated the old man like this because he was of chinese descent and because I was questioning them for it. This situation could have escalated badly, with some bad luck. They were securities and there was no way of telling how they would react to such an intervention. And I see it from the other angle only now, that they were nazi securities, too, and with how violent nazis are..... If anything more severe had happened, it would have been easy for them to cover it up and make it look like it was either an accident or like I was being at fault for it. They wouldn't really have to fear for their job or any other consequences, because securities are being more believed than a subway passenger. It's the same principle like when most of everyone believes a police officer, rather than some ordinary citizen. But I did it anyway and, after being chicken when I was told not to intervene, still went down the stairs back to the spot to keep an eye on the situation and see if they would do anything physical to the old man. They could have acted against me too, beaten me up in the worst case, and chances are they will remember me now. But I don't regret it.
After that event, I realized I can't be evil if I do something like that. I had no personal benefit from doing that. I was not suspecting that I could benefit from that in any way; I just saw what happened, realized it's rascism and then acted on impulse because I despise rascism and because something snapped in me when I saw that. I even brought myself in danger by intervening. It was selfless what I did, I had no advantage from it, and I could have gotten a very bad disadvantage from it, ending up in hospital because of clashing with a nazi security. I still can't believe that I did that..... but it answered my question. I'm not evil, just misguided in a way I can't fathom, and that led to the mistakes I've made in the last seven years.

I am not resting on that. Some power, or force, has given me a gift there, by letting that happen when I pondered the question whether I'm evil or not and giving me the chance to do the right thing, to show me that I'm not evil. And I did the right thing. But I'm not resting on that. I am going to do more right things, in that way and others, and will make up for the mistakes I've made. And I will prove myself to her, my friend, that I deserve being her friend and that I'm worthy of her friendship.
I feel spurred and encouraged by this event and have more confidence now, more confidence than I ever had since she left me again. And I am going to use that. There is still a chance and I will use what she taught me and the realization this event of today gave me to convince her of returning and to give me and our friendship another chance.
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